Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Combat soldier"A book of Poetry & Writing
48 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Second review (TWO stars)
As you have let me know you do not intend to revise, I came to read again and decided to add one more star because the content is good. However, I still feel this needs a lot of work on a technical level and am sorry you do not want to work out spag issues. Just want to be sure you understood that the format is okay as long as you call it poetry as opposed to prose, and that it would be easy to fix that first long sentence by removing a comma or two and adding a period or two...please let me know if you change your mind.
First review (ONE star)
The content and idea are interesting and this has potential. However, I honestly feel you need major revision on presentation adn writing style. This is presented as a fiction genre but formatted like a poem. Did you wish this to be a poem or prose? The critique I offer would be different depending on what your intention is. I will be happy to return adn review in depth after you let me know if you want it to be a poem or prose.
But either way, the first sentence is WAY TOO LONG---This is one long sentence, and also has many unnecessary commas-and only one period in dozens of lines!!!!
21A, 21A, this is starlight tango time,
00:00 on a cold damp September morning,
Rain and fog was on the ground,
A four man team made ready,
Orders, patrol and guard this war torn town,
Checking out equipment, rifles, ammunition,
Rubber bullets tear gas grenades and Kevlar vests,
Gas up the armored jeep, remove the hardtop,
Make call sign 22A to starlight, radio check,
We joke and smoke the last cigarette,
Time for us to move again,
Departing the base camp 7.62's locked and loaded,
No lights in this fog,
Heading for downtown Belfast,
Call starlight, 21A radio check,
Back roads there's no one in sight,
Hair on the back of my neck tells me someone is watching,
All moves are monitored by the IRA in this town,
Setup the jeep and barriers to block the road,
People and traffic starts to move again, daylight is coming fast,
We joke about bombs and sniper shots that
Always turn atheist back into God-fearing men,
Tension rising as radio calls burst out for help,
One of the teams is in a firefight and needs help,
Bugging out from this location call sign 22A,
Can be there in 3 mikes,
Starlight gives the go-ahead and luck.
I think you need to format sentences more clearly and also consider using line breaks for dramatic pause effect, allowing the reader to take breath in between. Just a few would do.
I recommend you format at least six or seven sentences and rework this. After that, I'd be happy to return and re-review. I noticed other reviews gave this five stars. I always try to be honest in ratings and since this requires MAJOR REVISION, i give it a one star, but I hope you understand my intention is to help and I will upgrade after changes are suitably made.
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-May-2010
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Second review (TWO stars)
As you have let me know you do not intend to revise, I came to read again and decided to add one more star because the content is good. However, I still feel this needs a lot of work on a technical level and am sorry you do not want to work out spag issues. Just want to be sure you understood that the format is okay as long as you call it poetry as opposed to prose, and that it would be easy to fix that first long sentence by removing a comma or two and adding a period or two...please let me know if you change your mind.
First review (ONE star)
The content and idea are interesting and this has potential. However, I honestly feel you need major revision on presentation adn writing style. This is presented as a fiction genre but formatted like a poem. Did you wish this to be a poem or prose? The critique I offer would be different depending on what your intention is. I will be happy to return adn review in depth after you let me know if you want it to be a poem or prose.
But either way, the first sentence is WAY TOO LONG---This is one long sentence, and also has many unnecessary commas-and only one period in dozens of lines!!!!
21A, 21A, this is starlight tango time,
00:00 on a cold damp September morning,
Rain and fog was on the ground,
A four man team made ready,
Orders, patrol and guard this war torn town,
Checking out equipment, rifles, ammunition,
Rubber bullets tear gas grenades and Kevlar vests,
Gas up the armored jeep, remove the hardtop,
Make call sign 22A to starlight, radio check,
We joke and smoke the last cigarette,
Time for us to move again,
Departing the base camp 7.62's locked and loaded,
No lights in this fog,
Heading for downtown Belfast,
Call starlight, 21A radio check,
Back roads there's no one in sight,
Hair on the back of my neck tells me someone is watching,
All moves are monitored by the IRA in this town,
Setup the jeep and barriers to block the road,
People and traffic starts to move again, daylight is coming fast,
We joke about bombs and sniper shots that
Always turn atheist back into God-fearing men,
Tension rising as radio calls burst out for help,
One of the teams is in a firefight and needs help,
Bugging out from this location call sign 22A,
Can be there in 3 mikes,
Starlight gives the go-ahead and luck.
I think you need to format sentences more clearly and also consider using line breaks for dramatic pause effect, allowing the reader to take breath in between. Just a few would do.
I recommend you format at least six or seven sentences and rework this. After that, I'd be happy to return and re-review. I noticed other reviews gave this five stars. I always try to be honest in ratings and since this requires MAJOR REVISION, i give it a one star, but I hope you understand my intention is to help and I will upgrade after changes are suitably made.
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-May-2010
reply by the author on 04-May-2010
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thank for your comments but i like the way this is laid out and will keep it thanks
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Thanks for letting me know. :)
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PS you might consider changing the genre to poetry---as it does look like poetry. Good luck in your writing. Warmly, rd
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again i will keep it as is , thanks
Comment from Rama Rao
Your excellent poem moved smoothly.
Your subject, a day in Belfast in the dark days of daily terrorism is indeed very interesting. it looks you went through the patrols and survived to write this poem. I could empathise with your poem as the acts of terrorism are continuing in different parts of the world.
One doubt-why rubber bullets? I thought the orders for the patrolling troops were to shoot to kill.
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Your excellent poem moved smoothly.
Your subject, a day in Belfast in the dark days of daily terrorism is indeed very interesting. it looks you went through the patrols and survived to write this poem. I could empathise with your poem as the acts of terrorism are continuing in different parts of the world.
One doubt-why rubber bullets? I thought the orders for the patrolling troops were to shoot to kill.
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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rubber bullets for control than shoot to kill but thanks for reading
Comment from IanC
A very compelling piece. It certainly transports one to a very different and intense place. This is a very good line "We joke about bombs and sniper shots that, Always turn athiests back into God-fearing men,"
I should point out that you have misspelled a word. It's "atheist" not "athiest".
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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A very compelling piece. It certainly transports one to a very different and intense place. This is a very good line "We joke about bombs and sniper shots that, Always turn athiests back into God-fearing men,"
I should point out that you have misspelled a word. It's "atheist" not "athiest".
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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thanks for the comment Ian will change missed that one
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again you have written a short story, ode, ballad, I am not sure what to call it, that will bring people back to reality. Good job.
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Once again you have written a short story, ode, ballad, I am not sure what to call it, that will bring people back to reality. Good job.
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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thanks Barbara remember i;m just starting to write
Comment from E.P. Thomas
DW,
After I finished reading Combat Soldier, I realized that I liked it. But that started me wondering why I hadn't liked it so much while I was reading it. For me, the answer lies in its structure. I blamed it on the choppy sentences at first, but I realized that was what gave the story the immediacy and tension it needed to reflect pending combat.
The shift from simple past tense in the first paragraph to simple present tense was confusing. I think the choppy sentence structure wd be much more effective if you used periods, rather than commas, at the ends of sentences. Using commas just leads into one fragmented thought after another. I know this may be what you intended, but it created a lot more fragmentary episodes than were effectively needed, at least in my mind. As other reviewers have noted, their are also a number of mispellings. I especially liked your use of 'we' as your character point of view. I thought it was also quite effective because it spoke to the collective effort of a combat team. Your use of call signs and sentence brevity reminded me of radio chatter in Vietnam. Very effective format. I know it seems I'm more critical than approving, but it's just the opposite. If I didn't see a good story line, I wdn't have spent so much time telling you things I think needed fixing. Take from comments what you find helpful and can the rest. Good job!
ep
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
|
DW,
After I finished reading Combat Soldier, I realized that I liked it. But that started me wondering why I hadn't liked it so much while I was reading it. For me, the answer lies in its structure. I blamed it on the choppy sentences at first, but I realized that was what gave the story the immediacy and tension it needed to reflect pending combat.
The shift from simple past tense in the first paragraph to simple present tense was confusing. I think the choppy sentence structure wd be much more effective if you used periods, rather than commas, at the ends of sentences. Using commas just leads into one fragmented thought after another. I know this may be what you intended, but it created a lot more fragmentary episodes than were effectively needed, at least in my mind. As other reviewers have noted, their are also a number of mispellings. I especially liked your use of 'we' as your character point of view. I thought it was also quite effective because it spoke to the collective effort of a combat team. Your use of call signs and sentence brevity reminded me of radio chatter in Vietnam. Very effective format. I know it seems I'm more critical than approving, but it's just the opposite. If I didn't see a good story line, I wdn't have spent so much time telling you things I think needed fixing. Take from comments what you find helpful and can the rest. Good job!
ep
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Thank you for reading and your welome comments EP
Comment from anabelle
Beautiful story. You've created a world of tension and provided a fabulous story in very few words. Remarkable.
Thanks for the insight into this type of life.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Beautiful story. You've created a world of tension and provided a fabulous story in very few words. Remarkable.
Thanks for the insight into this type of life.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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thank you for reading
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You're very welcome.
Comment from patmedium
I have sent a copy of this to my stepson, who followed you a few years later. This is clear, concise... well written and a warning of what must never happen again. I lived in Belfast for awhile in the late 60's. Went home to Liverpool when the troubles started. IRA is now trying to be legal and above board... but splinter groups will always attract the teenagers with problems, hence the occasional bomb and kneecapping etc. Pat.
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
|
I have sent a copy of this to my stepson, who followed you a few years later. This is clear, concise... well written and a warning of what must never happen again. I lived in Belfast for awhile in the late 60's. Went home to Liverpool when the troubles started. IRA is now trying to be legal and above board... but splinter groups will always attract the teenagers with problems, hence the occasional bomb and kneecapping etc. Pat.
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Thanks for reading Pat
Comment from btruax
I wonder if we have come a long way since 1972 or if this sort of thing has just moved to a new arena. I liked the short bursts of writing. I think it was fitting for your topic. Nice writing.
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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I wonder if we have come a long way since 1972 or if this sort of thing has just moved to a new arena. I liked the short bursts of writing. I think it was fitting for your topic. Nice writing.
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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thank you
Comment from Josipher32
deepwater,
"Combat Soldier" was a well written war and historical fictional piece. I especially enjoyed the atwork that accompanied the story.
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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deepwater,
"Combat Soldier" was a well written war and historical fictional piece. I especially enjoyed the atwork that accompanied the story.
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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thank you
Comment from RazberryBullet
Yes, Belfast was a war zone for far too many years :( Seems to have settled down now.
suggstions: We joke about bombs and sniper shots that
Always turn /athiests back into god fearing men>atheists back into God-fearing men
Good job!
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
|
Yes, Belfast was a war zone for far too many years :( Seems to have settled down now.
suggstions: We joke about bombs and sniper shots that
Always turn /athiests back into god fearing men>atheists back into God-fearing men
Good job!
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Thank you