My First snow
Sweet childhood memory38 total reviews
Comment from JeJo
"a little song as light as a sleigh pushed by the wind." is a beautiful and original simile
I love how the child has a cute secret and "knows" what her parents do not.
A couple suggestions:
"and lay quiet" - and lay quietly
For tense, "She giggled and flew" should be "she giggles and flies" and
landed - lands - JeJo
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"a little song as light as a sleigh pushed by the wind." is a beautiful and original simile
I love how the child has a cute secret and "knows" what her parents do not.
A couple suggestions:
"and lay quiet" - and lay quietly
For tense, "She giggled and flew" should be "she giggles and flies" and
landed - lands - JeJo
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
Comment from DrJane
What a delightful story! This is one memory you will always have that is very special. Thanks for sharing it with all of us.
Blessings,
Jane
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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What a delightful story! This is one memory you will always have that is very special. Thanks for sharing it with all of us.
Blessings,
Jane
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you so much for your wonderful review
Comment from knowledge
I was about half way through your wonderful story when it dawned on me...is this real. I had to go back to your category and saw that it was biographical. I kept on reading and...yep...found out it was a little girl's dream.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I was about half way through your wonderful story when it dawned on me...is this real. I had to go back to your category and saw that it was biographical. I kept on reading and...yep...found out it was a little girl's dream.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you so much for your wonderful review , Iā??ve had a vivid imagination for as long as I can remember; so vivid that the lines between reality and fantasy were always blurry......
Comment from RazberryBullet
Nice imagery here with the orange fairly and the blue snow :)
Needs technical work. Sentences tend to shift from present tense to past tense without any reason. You should pick one or the other.
some suggestions: (past>I got up and approached the window. The floor was cold as (present>I pad across it with bare feet. Once decorating the window, the white ice flowers (pres>/are gone--the window (pres>is clean and clear. I (pres>hear buzzing from the air around me...the sky (pres>is very white and freckled with blue sparkles. The fairy (past>landed in my open palm with translucent wings buzzing like a dragonfly. More and more glowing flakes (pres>fill the air.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Nice imagery here with the orange fairly and the blue snow :)
Needs technical work. Sentences tend to shift from present tense to past tense without any reason. You should pick one or the other.
some suggestions: (past>I got up and approached the window. The floor was cold as (present>I pad across it with bare feet. Once decorating the window, the white ice flowers (pres>/are gone--the window (pres>is clean and clear. I (pres>hear buzzing from the air around me...the sky (pres>is very white and freckled with blue sparkles. The fairy (past>landed in my open palm with translucent wings buzzing like a dragonfly. More and more glowing flakes (pres>fill the air.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thanks, you are right some of the shifts in tense made no sense. I meant only the fairy to be in past tense. I think i fixed it now
Comment from jmdg1954
Very nicely done... truly as seen through the eyes of a child. A fantastic imagination you have to cleverly think this through... I liked the line.. "she does not know-but I know everything. She does not know that I talked to the orange fairy and that I saw how the season'sfirst snow started"...
good luck in the contest...
John
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Very nicely done... truly as seen through the eyes of a child. A fantastic imagination you have to cleverly think this through... I liked the line.. "she does not know-but I know everything. She does not know that I talked to the orange fairy and that I saw how the season'sfirst snow started"...
good luck in the contest...
John
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you John :)
Comment from adewpearl
What a lovely story of that first snow through the eyes of a child, still capable of seeing and hearing the orange fairy :-) What a sweet entry in this contest - good dialogue, lovely use of setting to create mood, nice descriptive detail - thoroughly enjoyable. Brooke
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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What a lovely story of that first snow through the eyes of a child, still capable of seeing and hearing the orange fairy :-) What a sweet entry in this contest - good dialogue, lovely use of setting to create mood, nice descriptive detail - thoroughly enjoyable. Brooke
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you so much Brooke :)
Comment from gypsy44
what a charming, sweet memory written from a child perspective.
the sentence with the split orange "the same way my dad splits them and gives me the bigger piece".is absolutely precious
good job!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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what a charming, sweet memory written from a child perspective.
the sentence with the split orange "the same way my dad splits them and gives me the bigger piece".is absolutely precious
good job!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thanks a lot
Comment from P1
this is a really great entry especially
being non fiction and told through a childs
eyes. i think you did a lovely job here
and have a real chance willing the prompt
good luck
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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this is a really great entry especially
being non fiction and told through a childs
eyes. i think you did a lovely job here
and have a real chance willing the prompt
good luck
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thanks so much, i am delighted you liked it
Adina