Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 1 Part Two"Can love survive small town gossip?
67 total reviews
Comment from RazberryBullet
Liked how you 'introduced' the two to each other with a little background for both Joe and Sara. An interesting little 'mystery' regarding Cassie's father.
Well done!
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Liked how you 'introduced' the two to each other with a little background for both Joe and Sara. An interesting little 'mystery' regarding Cassie's father.
Well done!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
A real family oriented scene with the VW beetle as the initiator. Your narration and dialogue flowed really well. The chapter was very entertaining.
Isaiah Ramesses
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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A real family oriented scene with the VW beetle as the initiator. Your narration and dialogue flowed really well. The chapter was very entertaining.
Isaiah Ramesses
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an excellent bridge chapter. You do an excellent job of developing Sara's character, and it sounds like she, not Joe, will be the book's main person. I'm also glad that Joe and Sara's parents all feel good about Joe's asking her out. Of course, there's conflict, but it is better that it doesn't come from the parents (at least not yet).
I enjoyed this read and have several suggestions:
"We [We'd - short for We had] better go shopping and see what we can find."
"While growing up, I had a schoolgirl crush on you. I'm glad you asked me." The "While growing up" phrase seems a bit stilted. I'd write, "Back when I was a kid" or something such.
I need to get Cassie home. It's a school night." Cassie's already home - she teased them all a short while before. Of course, this could be Sara's unsettled frame of mind. For myself, I'd change the word "home" to "settled."
Dave
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Barbara,
This is an excellent bridge chapter. You do an excellent job of developing Sara's character, and it sounds like she, not Joe, will be the book's main person. I'm also glad that Joe and Sara's parents all feel good about Joe's asking her out. Of course, there's conflict, but it is better that it doesn't come from the parents (at least not yet).
I enjoyed this read and have several suggestions:
"We [We'd - short for We had] better go shopping and see what we can find."
"While growing up, I had a schoolgirl crush on you. I'm glad you asked me." The "While growing up" phrase seems a bit stilted. I'd write, "Back when I was a kid" or something such.
I need to get Cassie home. It's a school night." Cassie's already home - she teased them all a short while before. Of course, this could be Sara's unsettled frame of mind. For myself, I'd change the word "home" to "settled."
Dave
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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I made a hard copy of your suggestions so I make sure I don't miss anything. I value your reviews. Thank you.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara. I love the interaction between Joe and Sara, playful and friendly, which emphasizes the fact that they have known each other since childhood. Also, it shows good characterization. Enjoyable chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Hi, Barbara. I love the interaction between Joe and Sara, playful and friendly, which emphasizes the fact that they have known each other since childhood. Also, it shows good characterization. Enjoyable chapter.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from dportwood
barbara.wilkey,
Very engaging story as you let the reader join the characters and witness events and conversations.
I did notice this one item:
His heart skipped a beat, when he noticed her eyes sparkle and the dimples in her cheeks caused by the grin spread across her face.
May be better as:
His heart skipped a beat when he noticed her eyes sparkle. A grin spread across her face and caused dimples in her cheeks.
Just a thought.
Duane
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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barbara.wilkey,
Very engaging story as you let the reader join the characters and witness events and conversations.
I did notice this one item:
His heart skipped a beat, when he noticed her eyes sparkle and the dimples in her cheeks caused by the grin spread across her face.
May be better as:
His heart skipped a beat when he noticed her eyes sparkle. A grin spread across her face and caused dimples in her cheeks.
Just a thought.
Duane
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for making that suggestion. I will fix it. I appreciate your review.
Comment from fictionwriter
I like the interaction between the two of them. Seems he really does have a soft spot for her. Great job.
Bob walked in and stood beside Joe and watched out the window.( I prefer not to have all the ands. I would say: Bob walked in, stood beside Joe, and watched out the window. It flows better that way.)
"Mom! Mr. Barnes is here." ( I would take out the exclamation point, as I don't think she's yelling.)
Her bluntness surprised him. "You're not a slut. I guess it's only fair I answer. I'm not married because I never met the right woman." (connect these two paragraphs)
He grinned. "Instead of meeting the right woman, maybe I'm not the right man. I'm a workaholic and, because of the nature of my work, I'm never around long enough to form a serious relationship. Did I answer your question?"
I guess." She released a deep breath. "Are we going for a walk, or stand by my beautiful classy car all night?" (delete this here, and work it into the next paragraph)She grinned.
His heart skipped a beat, when he noticed her eyes sparkle and the dimples in her cheeks( caused by the grin spread across her face). "This car's definitely a classic, just like its owner," he teased, patting the hood.
Oh(delete ,) look(,) it's really late.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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I like the interaction between the two of them. Seems he really does have a soft spot for her. Great job.
Bob walked in and stood beside Joe and watched out the window.( I prefer not to have all the ands. I would say: Bob walked in, stood beside Joe, and watched out the window. It flows better that way.)
"Mom! Mr. Barnes is here." ( I would take out the exclamation point, as I don't think she's yelling.)
Her bluntness surprised him. "You're not a slut. I guess it's only fair I answer. I'm not married because I never met the right woman." (connect these two paragraphs)
He grinned. "Instead of meeting the right woman, maybe I'm not the right man. I'm a workaholic and, because of the nature of my work, I'm never around long enough to form a serious relationship. Did I answer your question?"
I guess." She released a deep breath. "Are we going for a walk, or stand by my beautiful classy car all night?" (delete this here, and work it into the next paragraph)She grinned.
His heart skipped a beat, when he noticed her eyes sparkle and the dimples in her cheeks( caused by the grin spread across her face). "This car's definitely a classic, just like its owner," he teased, patting the hood.
Oh(delete ,) look(,) it's really late.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your eagle eye and I am off to make the corrections.
Comment from LadyWave
I enjoyed reading this. It was easy to follow and flowed very well. The dialogue was great - realistic and believable. I also liked the rapport between Joe and Sara.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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I enjoyed reading this. It was easy to follow and flowed very well. The dialogue was great - realistic and believable. I also liked the rapport between Joe and Sara.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jadapenn
Ah, I'm getting settled into this story. I like Joe, have for quite some time. Looks like all Task Force's men will meet their match before long.
Well written. I'm glad Joe has told Sara to stop degrading herself.
Luv jada
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Ah, I'm getting settled into this story. I like Joe, have for quite some time. Looks like all Task Force's men will meet their match before long.
Well written. I'm glad Joe has told Sara to stop degrading herself.
Luv jada
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review. My favorite Task Force man is still Matt.
Comment from CKLA
This is a really good read. The characters are natural. I can't wait to see where this is leading. I can't believe the whole town would ostrasize her for having Cassie. There has to be more to it than that.
Collette
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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This is a really good read. The characters are natural. I can't wait to see where this is leading. I can't believe the whole town would ostrasize her for having Cassie. There has to be more to it than that.
Collette
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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I was raised in a small town and things like that do happen. I wish they didn't. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
Your latest chapter of 'Another Pretty Face' is well written and a very enjoyable read. Sara being ostracized by the community is horrible. I love Joe's comment: "I was just wrapped around her pretty little finger."
Why do I have a feeling that Sara's daughter might be Joe's. Hum, food for thought. Outstanding descriptive writing, excellent dialogue, great narrative, and very good imagery. I could seen the story unfold in my head as I read. Here are some examples of your descriptive writing:
Joe took a bite of cookie, followed by a sip of milk. "You're telling me for the past fifteen years she's been chastised by the townspeople?" After his mom nodded, he asked, "What about Cassie's father? Somebody must have an idea who he is. I'm sure she didn't get pregnant by herself."
Linda smiled. "By the sound of things outside, I'd say he still enjoys irritating you."
After dinner, Mark answered a knock on the door and grinned. "Joe, I guess you're here to see Sara. She's in the spare bedroom with her mom. They're discussing dresses." He changed the TV station. "I can't believe there's not a ballgame on." He glanced toward the room before he sat in the recliner. "You're welcome to go in there but, when women talk clothes, I suggest you stay out of the way."
"I agree with Cassie. You look pretty good for an old lady." Joe chuckled. "Maybe you should leave your cane at home. It may get in the way while we're dancing." Glancing toward Mark, he teased, "Do you have any old burlap sacks in the garage or at the hardware store she can wear?"
"Yes, it's a 1968. I was born in 1975." After laughing, Sara said, "But not older than you, you were born in 1966." She patted the hood. "I think its original color was light blue, but I'm not sure." She opened the front passenger door and pointed to a spot. "I think this is the last original patch of paint."
My dad had two VW's he had a Blue 1972 Supper Beetle Bug and a Blue 1968 Beetle Bug. They were awesome cars that went forever on a tank of gas. My sister, Suzanne also had a 1974 VW Beetle Bug. I loved this chapter. Your doing a stellar job. Enjoy the Six, my friend. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Barbara,
Your latest chapter of 'Another Pretty Face' is well written and a very enjoyable read. Sara being ostracized by the community is horrible. I love Joe's comment: "I was just wrapped around her pretty little finger."
Why do I have a feeling that Sara's daughter might be Joe's. Hum, food for thought. Outstanding descriptive writing, excellent dialogue, great narrative, and very good imagery. I could seen the story unfold in my head as I read. Here are some examples of your descriptive writing:
Joe took a bite of cookie, followed by a sip of milk. "You're telling me for the past fifteen years she's been chastised by the townspeople?" After his mom nodded, he asked, "What about Cassie's father? Somebody must have an idea who he is. I'm sure she didn't get pregnant by herself."
Linda smiled. "By the sound of things outside, I'd say he still enjoys irritating you."
After dinner, Mark answered a knock on the door and grinned. "Joe, I guess you're here to see Sara. She's in the spare bedroom with her mom. They're discussing dresses." He changed the TV station. "I can't believe there's not a ballgame on." He glanced toward the room before he sat in the recliner. "You're welcome to go in there but, when women talk clothes, I suggest you stay out of the way."
"I agree with Cassie. You look pretty good for an old lady." Joe chuckled. "Maybe you should leave your cane at home. It may get in the way while we're dancing." Glancing toward Mark, he teased, "Do you have any old burlap sacks in the garage or at the hardware store she can wear?"
"Yes, it's a 1968. I was born in 1975." After laughing, Sara said, "But not older than you, you were born in 1966." She patted the hood. "I think its original color was light blue, but I'm not sure." She opened the front passenger door and pointed to a spot. "I think this is the last original patch of paint."
My dad had two VW's he had a Blue 1972 Supper Beetle Bug and a Blue 1968 Beetle Bug. They were awesome cars that went forever on a tank of gas. My sister, Suzanne also had a 1974 VW Beetle Bug. I loved this chapter. Your doing a stellar job. Enjoy the Six, my friend. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Your review is greatly appreciated.
