Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Part Two Chapter One"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
89 total reviews
Comment from SWANNY
The story is moving along nicely. I have a few suggestions again. When it comes to the dialogue, you may or may not agree with my suggestions, as it's more a matter of preference than something being actually wrong.
Troy placed his hand at her wrist and led her toward an empty table. "I would like to know how you bruised your arm. I don't remember seeing it yesterday." (Suggestion: I don't remember seeing those bruises yesterday. What happened?")
After watching for a reaction, he whispered, "Is that why you're reading up on divorce?" (Suggestion: He watched for a reaction. "Is that why you're reading up on divorce?")
"I cradled mom's head (Should be Mom's)
After he studied her for a few minutes, he asked, "Are there children involved?" (Suggestion: ..., he asked, "Do you have children?"
"A six-month old son, Michael." (six-month-old son)
I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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The story is moving along nicely. I have a few suggestions again. When it comes to the dialogue, you may or may not agree with my suggestions, as it's more a matter of preference than something being actually wrong.
Troy placed his hand at her wrist and led her toward an empty table. "I would like to know how you bruised your arm. I don't remember seeing it yesterday." (Suggestion: I don't remember seeing those bruises yesterday. What happened?")
After watching for a reaction, he whispered, "Is that why you're reading up on divorce?" (Suggestion: He watched for a reaction. "Is that why you're reading up on divorce?")
"I cradled mom's head (Should be Mom's)
After he studied her for a few minutes, he asked, "Are there children involved?" (Suggestion: ..., he asked, "Do you have children?"
"A six-month old son, Michael." (six-month-old son)
I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I liked your suggestions. I will make them. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from cholb22
I re-read part one before reading part two just to familiarize myself with the storyline again, I was really impressed with this, and I look forward to reading part three when you post it. I have been in Anna's situation before, and I guess am a little sensitive to how she is feeling e.t.c, in the past I have read stories that contain domestic abuse and been sickened by the lack of understanding that has been shown by the author, but you have carried it off beautifully! I will be interested to see how this progresses! thanks for sharing a really good read! :)
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I re-read part one before reading part two just to familiarize myself with the storyline again, I was really impressed with this, and I look forward to reading part three when you post it. I have been in Anna's situation before, and I guess am a little sensitive to how she is feeling e.t.c, in the past I have read stories that contain domestic abuse and been sickened by the lack of understanding that has been shown by the author, but you have carried it off beautifully! I will be interested to see how this progresses! thanks for sharing a really good read! :)
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your encouraging words and the kind review. I hope you stay with the story and help me stay realistic.
Comment from moyramouse
You have developed this story very well, keeping it totally believable and never allowing the dialogue to become overly emotional. You have drawn us into Anna's life and sad situation and we are all hoping that Troy is the man he appears to be. xmouse
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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You have developed this story very well, keeping it totally believable and never allowing the dialogue to become overly emotional. You have drawn us into Anna's life and sad situation and we are all hoping that Troy is the man he appears to be. xmouse
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JW
This was another excellent addition to your story. As usual, the storyline flowed smoothly, it was very realistic, and you easily held the reader's interest. Good job.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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This was another excellent addition to your story. As usual, the storyline flowed smoothly, it was very realistic, and you easily held the reader's interest. Good job.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
How frustrating! I am so glad you are writing about domestic violence. It is so common and so often hidden due to embarrassment or fear. Well written chapter. Hope you are doing well! Take care. Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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How frustrating! I am so glad you are writing about domestic violence. It is so common and so often hidden due to embarrassment or fear. Well written chapter. Hope you are doing well! Take care. Debbie
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
bab, interesting chapter. i have some suggestions for you:
i'm having trouble understanding this part:
Troy stared at the book. "I don't want you to repay me. If you want, I'll return it."
what does he mean by 'If you want'. is he referring to she wanting to pay, or wanting the book? if it's about wanting the book, then why he wants to return it? if it's about wanting to pay. maybe it should be clearer this way:
Troy stared at the book. "I don't want you to repay me. If insist, I'll return it."
[another thing, why does he stare at the book? it's a bit too strong. since he purchased it, he should have looked enough. how about 'Troy glanced...' instead?
Troy put his arm around her waist and led her toward an empty table. - i feel like it's too early for him to do such thing. 'put his arm around' is like holding her close. how about 'caught her arm', or maybe just 'placed his hand at her waist'.
Troy placed a plate [holding] a ham and cheese sandwich, - a bit awkward. how about 'a plate filled with a ham...'
She shook her head [no], - 'shook her head' already shows a negative gesture. so no need the word 'no'.
He reached over, slightly pushed the sleeve up her arm, revealing the blue and purple finger imprints.
He reached over and pushed the sleeve slightly up her arm..
If he finds it, he'll ask questions[.]"
"Until tomorrow." - i thought it's better to add something here. maybe 'he said with a smile, or:
He nodded. "Until tomorrow."
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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bab, interesting chapter. i have some suggestions for you:
i'm having trouble understanding this part:
Troy stared at the book. "I don't want you to repay me. If you want, I'll return it."
what does he mean by 'If you want'. is he referring to she wanting to pay, or wanting the book? if it's about wanting the book, then why he wants to return it? if it's about wanting to pay. maybe it should be clearer this way:
Troy stared at the book. "I don't want you to repay me. If insist, I'll return it."
[another thing, why does he stare at the book? it's a bit too strong. since he purchased it, he should have looked enough. how about 'Troy glanced...' instead?
Troy put his arm around her waist and led her toward an empty table. - i feel like it's too early for him to do such thing. 'put his arm around' is like holding her close. how about 'caught her arm', or maybe just 'placed his hand at her waist'.
Troy placed a plate [holding] a ham and cheese sandwich, - a bit awkward. how about 'a plate filled with a ham...'
She shook her head [no], - 'shook her head' already shows a negative gesture. so no need the word 'no'.
He reached over, slightly pushed the sleeve up her arm, revealing the blue and purple finger imprints.
He reached over and pushed the sleeve slightly up her arm..
If he finds it, he'll ask questions[.]"
"Until tomorrow." - i thought it's better to add something here. maybe 'he said with a smile, or:
He nodded. "Until tomorrow."
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I will correct those area. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi barbara,
There are way to many Bobbys in this world and too few Troys...
Well written, good dialogue and realistic storyline. Well done.
Patrick
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Hi barbara,
There are way to many Bobbys in this world and too few Troys...
Well written, good dialogue and realistic storyline. Well done.
Patrick
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I agree. I wish there were more white knights. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Readywriter52
Troy seems like a compassionate man. But Anna is suspicious of him. She should be. He's a stranger to her. Her husband abuses her so she must have a hard time trusting men. She does need to be cautious.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Troy seems like a compassionate man. But Anna is suspicious of him. She should be. He's a stranger to her. Her husband abuses her so she must have a hard time trusting men. She does need to be cautious.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I agree Anna needs to be very cautious.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Barbara:
that happened to me yesterday -- about not being able to
post because something went wrong every time I tried to
do so - I finally took it as a sign I needed to do more
reviewing before I posted
this is another excellent chapter
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Barbara:
that happened to me yesterday -- about not being able to
post because something went wrong every time I tried to
do so - I finally took it as a sign I needed to do more
reviewing before I posted
this is another excellent chapter
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. Sometimes the site has issues.
Comment from write hand blue
Couldn't stop reading it, so very well written.
A very visual and well thought out
plot. A great storyline
with an interesting
future..Mel.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Couldn't stop reading it, so very well written.
A very visual and well thought out
plot. A great storyline
with an interesting
future..Mel.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.