Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "A Mato Moon"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from robina1978
This detective really thinks and try to find the logic, which is more than they do where we live. This paralysing drug sounds interesting and a good lead.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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This detective really thinks and try to find the logic, which is more than they do where we live. This paralysing drug sounds interesting and a good lead.
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thank you, Ine. I am patterning him after real-life detectives I've seen in action. Really appreciate your supportive review.
Warm regards, Bev
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Have you seen those with your own eyes?
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The detectives? Yes, it's who my detective character is patterned after.
Comment from Blurch
This shows really good writing with good grammar and puntcuation. I don't know the plot so I can't say anything about what you worte but I can see how well you wrote it and it's in the excellent category.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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This shows really good writing with good grammar and puntcuation. I don't know the plot so I can't say anything about what you worte but I can see how well you wrote it and it's in the excellent category.
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thanks so much, Burch. I'm delighted you stopped by to read my chapter and by your generous review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the sheriff finds out the victim wasn't assaulted and is saved from miss padget's niece by jana but wonders why jana was hanging around
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the sheriff finds out the victim wasn't assaulted and is saved from miss padget's niece by jana but wonders why jana was hanging around
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thank you, sweet. I sure appreciate your support for my novel and your great review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from dportwood
Writingfundimension,
Your writing style is fresh and clear and makes the dialogue and situation realistic. I like the way you describe the characters bringing them to life.
You may want to consider this:
the woman shot a hostile look in the direction of someone him. (Must be something left out).
Duane
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Writingfundimension,
Your writing style is fresh and clear and makes the dialogue and situation realistic. I like the way you describe the characters bringing them to life.
You may want to consider this:
the woman shot a hostile look in the direction of someone him. (Must be something left out).
Duane
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hi, Duane. Thank you much for your very nice compliments and generous review. Also appreciate you catching that error!
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Gungalo
So will Derek make it worth while?
Later, he would ponder the possibility that Jana Burke could only have known the woman was Darcy Shaw if she had been eavesdropping from a hidden location.
Oh I can't wait until the continuation. LOL!!
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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So will Derek make it worth while?
Later, he would ponder the possibility that Jana Burke could only have known the woman was Darcy Shaw if she had been eavesdropping from a hidden location.
Oh I can't wait until the continuation. LOL!!
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thanks so much, Gungalo, for taking time to read my chapter. I appreciate your support and generosity! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Another great chapter under your belt. Some interesting interactions in this one. Hints of the deepening mystery. Just love it, my friend.
This: Derek deliberately lifted one finger after another to encourage his fists to relax their grip on the steering wheel.
And this: His mind was a dozen steps into the future when he brought a cardboard container to his lips, and cursed the cold crud he spit back into the cup. - Both are bloody great visuals, and so original. You rock, Bev.
Breaking my own rule about leaving trash in the patrol cars.
The detective sucked a mint to rid himself of the stale coffee's (nasty) you could lose this adverb if you like - taste and ....
Yes, I wondered about that cross too. Interesting....
direction of someone (behind?) him. Hearing Jana Burke's voice, Sheriff Oleson thanked the gods for the detective's exquisite timing.
Later, he would ponder the possibility that Jana Burke could only have known the woman was Darcy Shaw if she had been eavesdropping from a hidden location. - hmmm - interesting again.....
You always leave me wondering.
Love the way this is turning out. Brilliant stuff.
Love Av
x
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Another great chapter under your belt. Some interesting interactions in this one. Hints of the deepening mystery. Just love it, my friend.
This: Derek deliberately lifted one finger after another to encourage his fists to relax their grip on the steering wheel.
And this: His mind was a dozen steps into the future when he brought a cardboard container to his lips, and cursed the cold crud he spit back into the cup. - Both are bloody great visuals, and so original. You rock, Bev.
Breaking my own rule about leaving trash in the patrol cars.
The detective sucked a mint to rid himself of the stale coffee's (nasty) you could lose this adverb if you like - taste and ....
Yes, I wondered about that cross too. Interesting....
direction of someone (behind?) him. Hearing Jana Burke's voice, Sheriff Oleson thanked the gods for the detective's exquisite timing.
Later, he would ponder the possibility that Jana Burke could only have known the woman was Darcy Shaw if she had been eavesdropping from a hidden location. - hmmm - interesting again.....
You always leave me wondering.
Love the way this is turning out. Brilliant stuff.
Love Av
x
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hi, Av. A great big thanks for your awesome and generous review. I really appreciate you pointing out the sections of interest to you, and I have corrected the glaring error LOL. Always so appreciate your wisdom, my friend.
Love ya, Bev
Comment from Carole Rosa
Bev, This is a very interesting and well written chapter to your book. I haven't read any other chapters. I don't know much about the story, but this was captivating. Nice job. Carole
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Bev, This is a very interesting and well written chapter to your book. I haven't read any other chapters. I don't know much about the story, but this was captivating. Nice job. Carole
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Carole, thank you for taking time to read my chapter. I really appreciate your support and generosity! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Well penned and facts are mounting. This kept my attention and had me wondering over the new data.
I think this is penned well, a great solid post for the story line.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Loved this part:)
"He waited for her to catch up, and tried to keep from laughing at the way her shoes caused her knees to bow outwards, making her look like a creeping crab." // Well this had me laughing hysterically......I never walked like that in heels....mind you at 5ft9 before I put heels on I still looked like the Jolly Green giant...Do you have that brand in the USA??LOL
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Well penned and facts are mounting. This kept my attention and had me wondering over the new data.
I think this is penned well, a great solid post for the story line.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Loved this part:)
"He waited for her to catch up, and tried to keep from laughing at the way her shoes caused her knees to bow outwards, making her look like a creeping crab." // Well this had me laughing hysterically......I never walked like that in heels....mind you at 5ft9 before I put heels on I still looked like the Jolly Green giant...Do you have that brand in the USA??LOL
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Thank you, Maureen. I sure appreciate your awesome review. Glad you liked that section. I was having a bit of fun because with my joints the way they are, I can't even think about wearing any shoe with a significant heel. Thanks for your support, my friend. I always look foward to your insights. Love, Bev
Comment from inkedone
Very interesting story. I love a good mystery novel. You write really well and you keep the reader involved. I love the convesations and how they flow so evenly between the characters.
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Very interesting story. I love a good mystery novel. You write really well and you keep the reader involved. I love the convesations and how they flow so evenly between the characters.
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Hello, inkedone. I love mysteries, too. So I really appreciate your great review of my Father Brian mystery. Thanks, especially for taking time to let me know the elements of the chapter that worked for you. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
As far as I know you don't need a comma before the and unless it's a compound sentence. No biggie though.
-to his lips[,] and cursed
-taste[,] and corralled
-traced[,] and leave
-eyes of (the) public (you had a typo)
Make this one paragraph:Derek Oleson's cheeks flushed a deep red at the insulting inference that he'd lost control of the murder investigation. But he lived by the adage of picking your fights.(may want to add 'and continued to listen.') I got hammered for breaking thing apart too much. Unless it's for emphasis it isn't necessary. I think they were right.
Love the running blonde's creeping crab legs. And then you top it with an image of HIM running in high heels. LMAO.
So, why would Darcy have been hiding to hear Oleson's conversation with Shaw? Could she be the news leak? It's never seemed likely. Good. Leave us wanting.
What's the killer up to? And where is the cross? Good to keep us questioning.
The HUGE print kinda made my eyes jiggle and a reader can't scan as quickly. But, I wouldn't miss a chapter because of that. Why'd you change it? The former choice was nice.
No sixes in your column yet. But, this intricate chapter with so much detail to the case deserves one.
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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As far as I know you don't need a comma before the and unless it's a compound sentence. No biggie though.
-to his lips[,] and cursed
-taste[,] and corralled
-traced[,] and leave
-eyes of (the) public (you had a typo)
Make this one paragraph:Derek Oleson's cheeks flushed a deep red at the insulting inference that he'd lost control of the murder investigation. But he lived by the adage of picking your fights.(may want to add 'and continued to listen.') I got hammered for breaking thing apart too much. Unless it's for emphasis it isn't necessary. I think they were right.
Love the running blonde's creeping crab legs. And then you top it with an image of HIM running in high heels. LMAO.
So, why would Darcy have been hiding to hear Oleson's conversation with Shaw? Could she be the news leak? It's never seemed likely. Good. Leave us wanting.
What's the killer up to? And where is the cross? Good to keep us questioning.
The HUGE print kinda made my eyes jiggle and a reader can't scan as quickly. But, I wouldn't miss a chapter because of that. Why'd you change it? The former choice was nice.
No sixes in your column yet. But, this intricate chapter with so much detail to the case deserves one.
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Hi, Ellen. I sure appreciate all your good tips. I really struggle with the commas when {and} is involved. So, I'm going to trust that you have a better handle on that than I do and remove the commas. A good idea to make those two sentences into one and I can think of a better way to make them read more smoothly.
I actually have revised the type since you read it. It's probably too small now. I go between word and Office Excel and the type size differs in each one. Yikes! Drives me cwazy. Thanks for the great review and virtual six, buddy. Love ya, Bev
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I put mine in under advanced editor but have to tell it what type and size. It's a hassel since it doesn't go in paragraphed. Yuck. Do you have any suggestions as to how to do it better. I have MS Word.
Great chapter, Bev. My stars are prisoners.:) e
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I'm such a dope when it comes to this technical stuff. Word is what I use, but I can't use any fancy type because FanStory won't accept it.
Thanks again, Ellen :0) Xxx Bev
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That's what I found out. So use advanced editor. It takes so much time. Posting is a pain. I even get extra spaces after Word has corrected for them. Mostly they are at the beginning of paragraphs. Does that happen to you?
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Not paragraphs, I meant sentences. The beginning of sentences.
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If I'm understanding you correctly, Ellen, your system automatically indents your paragraphs? My system is pretty basic and I've not had that problem yet.
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Forget the paragraphs. I meant that the FS advanced editor adds a space in front of many sentences when I cut and paste it from word.
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Okay. NOW I get what you're saying. Yes, that does happen as well as splitting up paragraphs and extra spacing the lines. I'd post directly on the site if it wasn't so time consuming during the back and forth of editing. Would be nice if they upgraded the mechanics to allow more features. Hopefully, we're on the same wave length now, Ellen LOL! Xxx
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It must happen to us all. How frustrating for everyone. Yes, editing on site is impossible, time-wise. :) e