Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Juliet"A collection of poems on these themes
104 total reviews
Comment from DR DIP
Steve if I had 6 stars left I would give it It is an amazing write you know besides the great story within the poem I love the flow and the internal rhyming well done.
dip
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Steve if I had 6 stars left I would give it It is an amazing write you know besides the great story within the poem I love the flow and the internal rhyming well done.
dip
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Thanks, Dip.
This one was from a couple of years, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.' The rhyme and stanza structure is borrowed from Poe's 'The Raven'.
Steve
Comment from royowen
What a brilliantly sad and poignantly posthumous poetic story, about a girl whom our hero had possibly met under the haze of a drug or alcohol induced fog. But the clever use of internal rhyme, and story-like narrative was wonderfully woven and some alliteration, rendered it a classic, well done Steve, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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What a brilliantly sad and poignantly posthumous poetic story, about a girl whom our hero had possibly met under the haze of a drug or alcohol induced fog. But the clever use of internal rhyme, and story-like narrative was wonderfully woven and some alliteration, rendered it a classic, well done Steve, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Thanks, Roy.
This one was from a couple of years, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.' The rhyme and stanza structure is borrowed from Poe's 'The Raven'.
Steve
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Great poem Steve,
Comment from Dean Kuch
Well, when kiwisteveh is told to "Write about this", it is quite obvious that he takes it to heart, and very seriously.
Needless to say, I detected the nod in meter, composition, and flow to Poe's classic piece, "The Raven", here. Anyone who hasn't either isn't reading it or has never read, "The Raven," or Poe, for that matter.
Much would be the pity...
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Well, when kiwisteveh is told to "Write about this", it is quite obvious that he takes it to heart, and very seriously.
Needless to say, I detected the nod in meter, composition, and flow to Poe's classic piece, "The Raven", here. Anyone who hasn't either isn't reading it or has never read, "The Raven," or Poe, for that matter.
Much would be the pity...
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Well I obviously couldn't slip ol' Edgar Allen past you. This one was from a couple of years, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.'
Thanks for the great review.
Steve
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My pleasure, Steve. It's an excellent piece.
~Dean
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading this poem/story contest entry. The descriptions were absolutely perfect. I saw this was a repost so I am guessing this contest is over.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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I enjoyed reading this poem/story contest entry. The descriptions were absolutely perfect. I saw this was a repost so I am guessing this contest is over.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Thanks, Barbara.
This one was from a couple of years, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.' The rhyme and stanza structure is borrowed from Poe's 'The Raven'.
Steve
Comment from Just2Write
You've done a great job with the provided picture - and a with a re-make of Poe's Classic - the Raven, no less. I think this image was used for a Sonnet Contest a year or so back. I loved how you let your imagination run wild here, and how you spun this rather bizarre picture into a very intriguing story. I hope that the authorities have the right perp - it seems this poor fellow doesn't remember what happened.
You leave us wondering on many points - just the way a good story should be told.
Excellent work here, Steve - Good luck in the contest.
Rose.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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You've done a great job with the provided picture - and a with a re-make of Poe's Classic - the Raven, no less. I think this image was used for a Sonnet Contest a year or so back. I loved how you let your imagination run wild here, and how you spun this rather bizarre picture into a very intriguing story. I hope that the authorities have the right perp - it seems this poor fellow doesn't remember what happened.
You leave us wondering on many points - just the way a good story should be told.
Excellent work here, Steve - Good luck in the contest.
Rose.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Thanks, Rose.
I was experimenting with Poe's rhyme and stanza structure - it was exquisite torture!
This one was from a couple of years, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.' It took out second place in a Story in a Poem contest - pipped by an even better story from Brook.
Steve
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I remember Brooke expressing some very exasperating comments about that bit of artwork. I have also written a couple of poems using that distinct rhythm of Poe's. Each was an exquisitely painful challenge - but writing to such a distinct meter can only improve one's skills. R.
Comment from Ogden
Scrupulously written, with clever rhyming, vocabulary, and Raven-ish meter, and a deliciously Poe-ish atmosphere and tale.
Reincarnation? Welcome back, Ed!
Don
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Scrupulously written, with clever rhyming, vocabulary, and Raven-ish meter, and a deliciously Poe-ish atmosphere and tale.
Reincarnation? Welcome back, Ed!
Don
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Thank you!
This one was from a couple of years, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.' The rhyme and stanza structure is borrowed from Poe's 'The Raven', which you spotted of course.
Steve
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a fantastic feast of feminine rhyme and flows like a white water rafting stream rushing down a mountainside. It also flows like Poe's famous raven using the same meter, trochaic octameter over five lines emulating the raven precisely, right down to the curtailed sixth line, of each stanza in trochaic tetrameter. The somewhat macabre nature of the content, resulting from this ekphrastic contest, the drowned woman also echoes another of Poe's famous pieces Annabelle Lee.
This was a thoroughly enjoyable experience, but you really cannot expect a six on a Saturday.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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This is a fantastic feast of feminine rhyme and flows like a white water rafting stream rushing down a mountainside. It also flows like Poe's famous raven using the same meter, trochaic octameter over five lines emulating the raven precisely, right down to the curtailed sixth line, of each stanza in trochaic tetrameter. The somewhat macabre nature of the content, resulting from this ekphrastic contest, the drowned woman also echoes another of Poe's famous pieces Annabelle Lee.
This was a thoroughly enjoyable experience, but you really cannot expect a six on a Saturday.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Thanks, Gynt.
This is a revived piece from a couple of years ago. I used to have a note on it about borrowing Poe's rhyme and stanza structure, but I've removed all the notes from pieces I've put in this new 'book.' I concluded from the experiment that Poe was a genius - as if we didn't know that already!
Steve
Comment from William Ross
very good on write about this, lots of great rhyming and some double rhyming on the lines. I great read and write on this , wish I really had a 6 left to give on this wonderful piece. have a great day.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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very good on write about this, lots of great rhyming and some double rhyming on the lines. I great read and write on this , wish I really had a 6 left to give on this wonderful piece. have a great day.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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Thanks, William - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from rama devi
This was such fun to read aloud, dear Steve. Great internal rhyme and creative rhymes and slant rhymes. (Love debt and Juliet--inventive slant rhyme!) Great pacing and rhythmic groove, though a couple of scansion issues are noted below. Great poetic devices. Great descriptive detail, emotional energy and satirical wit.
This would be a six if I had one, in spite of nits.
Especially enjoyed these lines:
How the heart is frail and tender and how quickly we surrender,
for when love calls, no defender can escape that silken net;
there's no palisade or rampart that will stand when so beset,
though this path may find regret.
AND
Through the ether it goes winging, I can hear the sound of ringing,
but no softly-tempered singing of an angel do I get;
and
And the bruising they'd detected meant a murder was suspected,
could it be some drug injected, could have killed my Juliet?
and
From my grief, policemen shake me, to a prison cell they take me,
where they try their best to break me using smile and guile and threat.
and
Lying stricken, broken-hearted, through my fevered brain there darted,
bolts of grief for my departed love, the murdered Juliet.
A stormy sea of sorrow wraps in shades of deepest jet
all my thoughts of Juliet.
The above are my faorite parts for either wit or phonetics or inventive rhymes or all of the above.
Nit notes (Using prose spag rules, which I think serve the prose-like storytelling style but your commas made for pause effect are acceptable...these are just suggestions):
*
and the bones of last night's trouble,(no ,) for that crumpled serviette;
*
Then there comes a whoop of pleasure,(--) I have found the missing treasure,
*Scansion forced on eagerly:
While my heart begins to caper, eagerly I grasp the paper,
*This line seems to be missing a beat:
as my fears slowly taper that I've lost my Juliet,
Maybe add 'now' between fears and slowly or find a three-syllable synonym for slowly.
*
In a reverie or dreaming,(no ,) of the thoughts that then come teeming,
suddenly(,) I hear a screaming - in my mind it echoes yet;
*
just as if some terror fleeing,(no ,) or by evil all beset,
*scansion forced on palette:
and her skin a ghastly colour from the Devil's own palette;
*
Now my memory is taunting of that night so deeply haunting,(;)
no explanation can I give for clothes found wringing wet.
Hilarious it in the closing and fantastic rhyming too:
By nightmares dark, afflicted, as a monster I'm depicted;
in a week I stand convicted and the sentence has been set.
Tomorrow ends my sorrow for I'll die without regret -
to reclaim my Juliet.
Loved reading this aloud!
Warmly, r d
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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This was such fun to read aloud, dear Steve. Great internal rhyme and creative rhymes and slant rhymes. (Love debt and Juliet--inventive slant rhyme!) Great pacing and rhythmic groove, though a couple of scansion issues are noted below. Great poetic devices. Great descriptive detail, emotional energy and satirical wit.
This would be a six if I had one, in spite of nits.
Especially enjoyed these lines:
How the heart is frail and tender and how quickly we surrender,
for when love calls, no defender can escape that silken net;
there's no palisade or rampart that will stand when so beset,
though this path may find regret.
AND
Through the ether it goes winging, I can hear the sound of ringing,
but no softly-tempered singing of an angel do I get;
and
And the bruising they'd detected meant a murder was suspected,
could it be some drug injected, could have killed my Juliet?
and
From my grief, policemen shake me, to a prison cell they take me,
where they try their best to break me using smile and guile and threat.
and
Lying stricken, broken-hearted, through my fevered brain there darted,
bolts of grief for my departed love, the murdered Juliet.
A stormy sea of sorrow wraps in shades of deepest jet
all my thoughts of Juliet.
The above are my faorite parts for either wit or phonetics or inventive rhymes or all of the above.
Nit notes (Using prose spag rules, which I think serve the prose-like storytelling style but your commas made for pause effect are acceptable...these are just suggestions):
*
and the bones of last night's trouble,(no ,) for that crumpled serviette;
*
Then there comes a whoop of pleasure,(--) I have found the missing treasure,
*Scansion forced on eagerly:
While my heart begins to caper, eagerly I grasp the paper,
*This line seems to be missing a beat:
as my fears slowly taper that I've lost my Juliet,
Maybe add 'now' between fears and slowly or find a three-syllable synonym for slowly.
*
In a reverie or dreaming,(no ,) of the thoughts that then come teeming,
suddenly(,) I hear a screaming - in my mind it echoes yet;
*
just as if some terror fleeing,(no ,) or by evil all beset,
*scansion forced on palette:
and her skin a ghastly colour from the Devil's own palette;
*
Now my memory is taunting of that night so deeply haunting,(;)
no explanation can I give for clothes found wringing wet.
Hilarious it in the closing and fantastic rhyming too:
By nightmares dark, afflicted, as a monster I'm depicted;
in a week I stand convicted and the sentence has been set.
Tomorrow ends my sorrow for I'll die without regret -
to reclaim my Juliet.
Loved reading this aloud!
Warmly, r d
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
-
Rama, thanks for the excellent review and the virtual six.
This one was from a couple of years ago, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.' The rhyme and stanza structure is borrowed from Poe's 'The Raven'. I remember this placed second in a Story in a Poem contest. Brook won it with an even better yarn!
I'm off to take a look at those pesky commas. The scansion on 'palette' is down to my pronunciation with the stress on the second syllable. The other one I'll look at fixing...
Steve
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Congrats on second place. It's superb. I believe that word needs a stress on first syllable but it's possible both ways are correct. Glad you found the review helpful. :)
Big warm smiles, rd
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem and interpretation of the artwork. The murder of a beloved one, it seems the one that says he loved her, was the very one who took her life, and he will soon join her in the afterlife.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
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A very well-written poem and interpretation of the artwork. The murder of a beloved one, it seems the one that says he loved her, was the very one who took her life, and he will soon join her in the afterlife.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2016
-
Rama, thanks for the excellent review and the virtual six.
This one was from a couple of years ago, but I've revived it and put it in my 'book.' The rhyme and stanza structure is borrowed from Poe's 'The Raven'. I remember this placed second in a Story in a Poem contest. Brook won it with an even better yarn!
I'm off to take a look at those pesky commas. The scansion on 'palette' is down to my pronunciation with the stress on the second syllable. The other one I'll look at fixing...
Steve
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Sorry, Sandra - I've posted a reply to somebody else into your box by mistake. Thank you very much for your review, too!
Steve
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No problem.