Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 46 "Okoka Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
Boy, are we at a bit of a disadvantage here as we have not read any of the previous chapters. Very intriguing and a bit frightening. Miss Evelyn is 86 and has broken her hip and is in the hospital with no computer so we are tag teaming, I'm reading to her and typing her response. God loves you an we do too.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Boy, are we at a bit of a disadvantage here as we have not read any of the previous chapters. Very intriguing and a bit frightening. Miss Evelyn is 86 and has broken her hip and is in the hospital with no computer so we are tag teaming, I'm reading to her and typing her response. God loves you an we do too.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Hi to both of you. Thank you, Miss Evelyn, for reading my chapter. I can imagine that it was confusing, so your taking time to review is most gracious. I hope you are mending well and will be back at 'it' soon. Blessings, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
Oh my! This is really spooky. What would Georgie Lutz have to do with any of this. He's apparently an old man with dementia. This mystery keeps getting more and more complicated. Something is going to have to come together soon.
These murders do they have anything to do with Father Brian??? Could this man have possibly died from a nightmare?
This is well written, Bev, but I can't even guess what's happening.
April
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Oh my! This is really spooky. What would Georgie Lutz have to do with any of this. He's apparently an old man with dementia. This mystery keeps getting more and more complicated. Something is going to have to come together soon.
These murders do they have anything to do with Father Brian??? Could this man have possibly died from a nightmare?
This is well written, Bev, but I can't even guess what's happening.
April
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Thanks for taking time to read, April. I really appreciate your generous review and support. :0) Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I'm glad I read this while the sun is streaming through the kitchen window. If I'd read it at night, I'd be switching on every single light in the house!
Straightening, he moved to the line of wheelchairs in front of the table to distribute communion. - I think Communion should be capitalized.
I must say I giggled at Harriet's comment about the wine chalice, and then the argument that ensued. Really well done, Bev. :D
She was a large woman suffering from the mistaken belief she was half the size attested to by her mirror. Her short skirts inevitably rode up her cellulitic thighs, and her knees slapped against each other in a chain reaction that started with her six inch heels. - Brilliant description!!!
Brian shifted his weight to his left side, and let silence hang between them like a distorted bubble. When he offered no encouragement for her to expound on her troubles, she turned back to the matter at hand. - Perfectly executed!
"You're killing me." - You're scaring me! Whoa. Talk about a chill, Bev.
Fantastic post. Not a long one, yet strangely the shortness of it seemed to accentuate the impact.
What can I say? Superb writing, brilliant tension, and very very creepy.
Bravo, dear lady.
Love Av
xxxx
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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I'm glad I read this while the sun is streaming through the kitchen window. If I'd read it at night, I'd be switching on every single light in the house!
Straightening, he moved to the line of wheelchairs in front of the table to distribute communion. - I think Communion should be capitalized.
I must say I giggled at Harriet's comment about the wine chalice, and then the argument that ensued. Really well done, Bev. :D
She was a large woman suffering from the mistaken belief she was half the size attested to by her mirror. Her short skirts inevitably rode up her cellulitic thighs, and her knees slapped against each other in a chain reaction that started with her six inch heels. - Brilliant description!!!
Brian shifted his weight to his left side, and let silence hang between them like a distorted bubble. When he offered no encouragement for her to expound on her troubles, she turned back to the matter at hand. - Perfectly executed!
"You're killing me." - You're scaring me! Whoa. Talk about a chill, Bev.
Fantastic post. Not a long one, yet strangely the shortness of it seemed to accentuate the impact.
What can I say? Superb writing, brilliant tension, and very very creepy.
Bravo, dear lady.
Love Av
xxxx
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Hiya, Av. Thanks for liking my favorite parts LOL. I know a few folks are beginning to wonder if I'll ever get to the conclusion and I can only promise that, yes, I do have an ending in mind. I really appreciate your encouragement and patience, Av. Not to mention your generosity! You're the best. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Bev,
This is really rather alarming - and I am sure glad I am not reading it at night when its dark. This creepy post made me shiver as my imagination went wild.
Impressive imagery that carries both the evil thread and the mystery of darkness which freaks me out.
Your characters actions and dialogue really create a sense of mental imbalance. Really well done Bev, you scared me witless.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Dear Bev,
This is really rather alarming - and I am sure glad I am not reading it at night when its dark. This creepy post made me shiver as my imagination went wild.
Impressive imagery that carries both the evil thread and the mystery of darkness which freaks me out.
Your characters actions and dialogue really create a sense of mental imbalance. Really well done Bev, you scared me witless.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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I take your last comment as high praise, my dear friend. Thank you especially, noting the sense of mental imbalance. Bingo! That's just what I want the reader to think of Father Brian.
A great review for which I am grateful.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from lindalcreel
The church is hiding more secrets and I have to wonder what Father Brian's part is in all of this. Could be he's just naive, but he has to know about the murders. I wonder who's next on the hit list and what they can to to protect the parishioners, if anything. Your story has a lot of suspense and I'm curious to see the truths are they start to unravel. Great read. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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The church is hiding more secrets and I have to wonder what Father Brian's part is in all of this. Could be he's just naive, but he has to know about the murders. I wonder who's next on the hit list and what they can to to protect the parishioners, if anything. Your story has a lot of suspense and I'm curious to see the truths are they start to unravel. Great read. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Hi, lindal. Thank you much for stopping by to read. I really appreciate your words of support and your generosity. Warmest
regards, Bev
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Always welcome Bev.
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:0)
Comment from Rondeno
You really did a job on Maureen Penfold, didn't you? Poor woman, savaged by Bev's pen!
This really is excellent, Bevvers (as you know). And goody, we're going to get an exorcism!
You have the authentic professional prose style, hun.
Love,
Mikey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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You really did a job on Maureen Penfold, didn't you? Poor woman, savaged by Bev's pen!
This really is excellent, Bevvers (as you know). And goody, we're going to get an exorcism!
You have the authentic professional prose style, hun.
Love,
Mikey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Mike, thank you so much for this awesome review! I'm honored coming from a writer I so admire. Thanks, buddy. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension,
Sounds like Fr Brian needs to have a good long think and talk to his fellow exorcists - then do the biz on that Rectory of his.
Nice touch, letting the murdered man talk through a man with dementia, sure fire way to through all manner of smokescreens in the way.
Good chapter, I can see nothing I would suggest correcting.
Patrick
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Hi Writingfundimension,
Sounds like Fr Brian needs to have a good long think and talk to his fellow exorcists - then do the biz on that Rectory of his.
Nice touch, letting the murdered man talk through a man with dementia, sure fire way to through all manner of smokescreens in the way.
Good chapter, I can see nothing I would suggest correcting.
Patrick
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Patrick, really appreciate this gracious and encouraging review. I've patched up, hopefully, all the little booboos thanks to my first few reviewers. Sometimes I don't see the forest for the trees. Thanks again!
Bev
Comment from Selina Stambi
She was a large woman suffering from the mistaken belief she was half the size attested to by her mirror.
... Loved this line. I had a neighbor like this - in her mini skirts and tight t-shirts she was an incredibly awful sight!
Wowzers! Oh, my dear friend, you do know how to create a cliff hanger that has your reader howling to know more.
Another intriguing and attention-holding chapter, Bev.
Can't wait for more! :)
xxx
Sonali
Spags:
Previously: Two elderly parishioners of St. Matilde's Cath(o)lic Church
link to the present day(')s
," she hollered. (not hollared)
conclusion of the Mass, facility aides (no apostrophe in aides)
andHe's been known to ... should be ... and he's been known to
"screaming until he's hoarse.(Upper case s and open inverted commas)
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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She was a large woman suffering from the mistaken belief she was half the size attested to by her mirror.
... Loved this line. I had a neighbor like this - in her mini skirts and tight t-shirts she was an incredibly awful sight!
Wowzers! Oh, my dear friend, you do know how to create a cliff hanger that has your reader howling to know more.
Another intriguing and attention-holding chapter, Bev.
Can't wait for more! :)
xxx
Sonali
Spags:
Previously: Two elderly parishioners of St. Matilde's Cath(o)lic Church
link to the present day(')s
," she hollered. (not hollared)
conclusion of the Mass, facility aides (no apostrophe in aides)
andHe's been known to ... should be ... and he's been known to
"screaming until he's hoarse.(Upper case s and open inverted commas)
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Thanks so very much, Sonali. It's interesting that I made some of the changes you mention prior to getting this review. I wonder sometimes if it's a delay in getting it changed at FanStory's end? Anyway, the one section about the dreaming has been edited to actually make sense LOL. I'd inadvertently pasted something into the paragraph.
I appreciate your suggestions, support and encouragement, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Another riveting chapter, Bev. Your description of the communion scene is priceless. I felt I was in the room watching the whole thing. You did a heck of a job with Maureen. I learned a new word today . . . cellulitic. The paragraph is left with a heck of a cliff hanger. Very well done. A treat to read as always!
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Another riveting chapter, Bev. Your description of the communion scene is priceless. I felt I was in the room watching the whole thing. You did a heck of a job with Maureen. I learned a new word today . . . cellulitic. The paragraph is left with a heck of a cliff hanger. Very well done. A treat to read as always!
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Aw, thanks so much, buddy. I really appreciate you taking time to point out what you liked in the chapter. Some of the material for this chapter came from my time spent visiting my Dad when he was in a nursing home.
Thanks again for the generous rating and gracious review!
:0) Bev
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Writingfundimension ....
I have read this chapter of your story with interest, especially because it is about a Priest although in some parts, the respect for the priesthood is somewhat lacking.
There are just a few small changes recommended ...
* You have - St.Matilde's Cathlic Church ... which should be - Catholic Church ...
* You need to check your spelling of 'pedophile'
* You have - facility aide's ... this should be - aides ...
* You have - andHe's been known ... this should be -
and he's been known ....
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Love from ... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Hullo Writingfundimension ....
I have read this chapter of your story with interest, especially because it is about a Priest although in some parts, the respect for the priesthood is somewhat lacking.
There are just a few small changes recommended ...
* You have - St.Matilde's Cathlic Church ... which should be - Catholic Church ...
* You need to check your spelling of 'pedophile'
* You have - facility aide's ... this should be - aides ...
* You have - andHe's been known ... this should be -
and he's been known ....
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Love from ... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
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Thank you much for your detailed review, Nanette Mary. I'm sorry if you find my portrayal of Father Brian's human flaws distressing. Throughout the novel I have portrayed him as a man in crisis, but one whose faith will win out in the end.
And thanks so much for catching the spags - especially since the section you mentioned last was actually an editing error. It reads much more smoothly with the deleted material.
Warmest regards, Bev