Sewn Into the Sky
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Sewn Into the Sky"Collection of Free Style Poetry
39 total reviews
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
This is a very good poem full of metaphor and descriptive writing. You describe loneliness so well but your author notes are so optimistic. Your poem is full of 'sounds' and I particularly like your ending - 'From few words struck cold.. onwards. Lovely lines - when the writer finally realizes his family was together. A thoughtful poem, well written. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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This is a very good poem full of metaphor and descriptive writing. You describe loneliness so well but your author notes are so optimistic. Your poem is full of 'sounds' and I particularly like your ending - 'From few words struck cold.. onwards. Lovely lines - when the writer finally realizes his family was together. A thoughtful poem, well written. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Thank you Dorothy. Yes it was dark until the very end when I had that realization that I wasn't alone, that none of us were. I'm so glad you liked the metaphors and sounds. Few picked up on that! Thank you!
Comment from visionary1234
oh YEAH! I'm not reviewing much at the moment Greg but if ever anything deserved a sixer this one would be it! LOVE the stronger verb & descriptive choices you've made here. Well done - definitely one of your best!
Big hugs
Sharyn
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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oh YEAH! I'm not reviewing much at the moment Greg but if ever anything deserved a sixer this one would be it! LOVE the stronger verb & descriptive choices you've made here. Well done - definitely one of your best!
Big hugs
Sharyn
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked the corrections. I changed most adverbs and I also changed a couple of other things. So you would be the one who could tell if it was improved. I'm SO happy you liked it. One of my best? That's really nice. Its one of my favorites as I said. So that means even more! :)
Comment from rama devi
Wow--what a unique and powerful poem, my friend.
The emotional depth and intensity is tremendous.
Superb originality in free verse voicing, phrasing style and formatting as well.
Striking presentation with fine artwork and color scheme that suit the tone and tenor of your theme.
I think the minimal end-line punctuation style fits this well. Reads smoothly. Good flow
Ironic phrasing with low and high:
Never was I lower than when I met the night tonight on high
Nice consonance of S sounds to sound like what this describes:
The soft hiss of humming tires carry on in the distance
as if some drawing waves were reaching for my balcony
Very imaginative simile.
Awesome descriptive with fantastic poetic devices:
A snapping crunch sneaks between the rosemary bushes ~
quivering, green and shaggy with their pointed barbs, so gentle,
they resemble fat lavender bubbles from my window now
Loved reading that aloud, especially since it also sounds like what it describes. Bravo.
*
A dog howls within earshot ~ a deafening pitch,
like the pull of a bow across crusted violin strings
Awesome simile. So original!
Remarkable phrase:
It continues to whine into my life unaware of me
Powerfully voiced:
None of these noises, these numb instances, were of anything here
Simple, familiar, boring, as the tattered throw upon my shoulders
No, no it was not a sound that introduced us ~ quite different...
but the shout of a vacant voice, breathless, which stole my senses
Her song was silence, an empty hollow, left where the wind had run
WOW. That gave me chills.
**
* I crept onto damp blades of sleeping grass ~ soft needled carpet,(~ here instead of ,)
*great prescriptive with CREAMY SOUP:
looked up into a creamy soup of deep purple...perfectly endless,
*left as a pebble,(NO ,) before a coliseum forever growing, never finished
Excellent alliteration and consonance of L:
I listened, held my heartbeat level, letting my head fall back to a tilt
WOW...what an amazing line, Intense and enigmatic (in the best way) and thought provoking. Very unique and expressive:
We spoke minutes on years, tip toes to fathoms, nothing into all...
Remarkable, memorable and thought provoking lines: (note one spag too)
A man with but a shadow lives in solitude, solely by willful choice,
for he who is truly alone,(no ,) looks into my eyes, content with his doubt
*
Those words few, struck cold, twisted knots of agony, stretched ~
I had unravelled from my father's heart ~ was sewn into a memory
Powerful reflectiveness. One suggestion...Those FEW WORDS instead of words few.
Powerful epiphany in the closing...very impacting:
But soon a soft balm fell atop my wound, a heat kissed this icy ache
for due to this encounter under a faceless sky, I finally realized ~
my family was together, everywhere, mine within everything inside
I met the night tonight, at the loneliest time in my life
...never more.
I rarely give a six when there are spag nits to fix, but they are minor and the poem is powerful--one of your best. I also know, from experience, that you tend to fix nits...and since the site does not allow me to return with a six after edits, I am giving it in advance.
Kudos.
Amazing work
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Wow--what a unique and powerful poem, my friend.
The emotional depth and intensity is tremendous.
Superb originality in free verse voicing, phrasing style and formatting as well.
Striking presentation with fine artwork and color scheme that suit the tone and tenor of your theme.
I think the minimal end-line punctuation style fits this well. Reads smoothly. Good flow
Ironic phrasing with low and high:
Never was I lower than when I met the night tonight on high
Nice consonance of S sounds to sound like what this describes:
The soft hiss of humming tires carry on in the distance
as if some drawing waves were reaching for my balcony
Very imaginative simile.
Awesome descriptive with fantastic poetic devices:
A snapping crunch sneaks between the rosemary bushes ~
quivering, green and shaggy with their pointed barbs, so gentle,
they resemble fat lavender bubbles from my window now
Loved reading that aloud, especially since it also sounds like what it describes. Bravo.
*
A dog howls within earshot ~ a deafening pitch,
like the pull of a bow across crusted violin strings
Awesome simile. So original!
Remarkable phrase:
It continues to whine into my life unaware of me
Powerfully voiced:
None of these noises, these numb instances, were of anything here
Simple, familiar, boring, as the tattered throw upon my shoulders
No, no it was not a sound that introduced us ~ quite different...
but the shout of a vacant voice, breathless, which stole my senses
Her song was silence, an empty hollow, left where the wind had run
WOW. That gave me chills.
**
* I crept onto damp blades of sleeping grass ~ soft needled carpet,(~ here instead of ,)
*great prescriptive with CREAMY SOUP:
looked up into a creamy soup of deep purple...perfectly endless,
*left as a pebble,(NO ,) before a coliseum forever growing, never finished
Excellent alliteration and consonance of L:
I listened, held my heartbeat level, letting my head fall back to a tilt
WOW...what an amazing line, Intense and enigmatic (in the best way) and thought provoking. Very unique and expressive:
We spoke minutes on years, tip toes to fathoms, nothing into all...
Remarkable, memorable and thought provoking lines: (note one spag too)
A man with but a shadow lives in solitude, solely by willful choice,
for he who is truly alone,(no ,) looks into my eyes, content with his doubt
*
Those words few, struck cold, twisted knots of agony, stretched ~
I had unravelled from my father's heart ~ was sewn into a memory
Powerful reflectiveness. One suggestion...Those FEW WORDS instead of words few.
Powerful epiphany in the closing...very impacting:
But soon a soft balm fell atop my wound, a heat kissed this icy ache
for due to this encounter under a faceless sky, I finally realized ~
my family was together, everywhere, mine within everything inside
I met the night tonight, at the loneliest time in my life
...never more.
I rarely give a six when there are spag nits to fix, but they are minor and the poem is powerful--one of your best. I also know, from experience, that you tend to fix nits...and since the site does not allow me to return with a six after edits, I am giving it in advance.
Kudos.
Amazing work
Love,
rd
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Hi Rama. You've made me really, immensely happy! I immediately changed the errors. I hope I did it right. I am just amazed, really amazed at this. You just have no idea how much it means to me. THIS review actually makes me feel like I might have something. Something special, talent. I'm so happy you read this. Its hard to get anyone to pay attention to the metaphors or the way certain words flow together. Like fat lavender bubbles (our rosemary bushes are plump and look almost purple at night). Breathless, senseless...her song was silence. Bow, crusted violin strings. See, no one pays attention to these things. I'm grateful. I put a lot of myself into this one. Without sounding full of myself or like some great writer, its actually the opposite for me (I have a problem with confidence in my writing) I was thinking about something. Its weird, when I'm writing I kind of zone out and it comes out quickly. My poetry is written fast. When I read it back it is a reflection of the deepest parts in me though, sometimes parts that I don't think about. Of course that's different when writing iambic pentameter. THOSE take a while for me! ;) I am iambically challenged sometimes. But really, the fact that you actually read this and appreciated the parts that were important to me, means more than you know. More than you know. Its such a reward to know that someone read, actually felt, what I read. Chills, really? I am so grateful and I am so so very humbled by your six stars. Truly. It really brought some light into my day. Thank you Rama my friend. I hope you are doing great.
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Thanks for your wonderful response, my friend. I honestly think you've got all the factors that can lead to eventually publishing: talent, originality, enthusiasm (which includes efforts to improve) and intensity.
My poetry comes out quickly too--from the muse's surreal mystical perch in the sky! Whenever I TRY to write something just because I want to, it usually comes out dry and heady. My muse has her own whims and often drops in in the wee hours. When the muse is present and motivated, it comes out inspired without effort. That's one reason I do not write so often.
I think it is the same for many creative people. So you're not alone!
Keep up your creative process, my friend.
Warmest regards,
rd
Comment from country ranch writer
We all need a helping hand some time and must reach out for a life line. WE CAN BE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE AND FEEL SO ALONE BECAUSE WE FORGOT HOW TO COMMUNICATE OUR FEELINGS. HERE IT IS A FAMILY WHO BRINGS OUT THE THE GOOD IN EVERYONE AND CARES AND GIVES US A HELPING HAND WHEN WE BACK SLIDE SOME TIMES. MY GRANDPA USED TO SAY A FRIEND IN NEED IS A TRUE FRIEND INDEED
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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We all need a helping hand some time and must reach out for a life line. WE CAN BE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE AND FEEL SO ALONE BECAUSE WE FORGOT HOW TO COMMUNICATE OUR FEELINGS. HERE IT IS A FAMILY WHO BRINGS OUT THE THE GOOD IN EVERYONE AND CARES AND GIVES US A HELPING HAND WHEN WE BACK SLIDE SOME TIMES. MY GRANDPA USED TO SAY A FRIEND IN NEED IS A TRUE FRIEND INDEED
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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That's a good saying. Its true. We need to reach out when we need a hand. I have a family now finally, its an amazing feeling that I'm just starting to get used to. Thank you for reading this, really.
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always around when there is a need to talk
Comment from Ben Colder
When at first reading you poem; I was taken in by feeling a touch of Shakespeare. My compliments with the progress you have made writing poetry. Well done my friend. Blessings.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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When at first reading you poem; I was taken in by feeling a touch of Shakespeare. My compliments with the progress you have made writing poetry. Well done my friend. Blessings.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Wow that's a pretty huge compliment Ben. I'm so honored. Thank you! I'm grateful that you read this. And I'm grateful for the review. Thank you very very much.
Comment from allborn66
This is a lovely piece. I love the reflective tone that it has. You communicate your theme wonderfully. The word choice is strong. We are not alone.
Barbara
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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This is a lovely piece. I love the reflective tone that it has. You communicate your theme wonderfully. The word choice is strong. We are not alone.
Barbara
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. We are not alone, correct. Thank you.
Comment from michaelcahill
Wow. This is the first of your pieces I have read. I am blown away. Incredible imagery that puts me any place you direct me to. The detail is amazing and unique in its perspective and slant. One of the finest pieces I have read on here or anywhere else for that matter. This is one beautiful work of art. Cannot wait to read more. This makes my night. mikey
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Wow. This is the first of your pieces I have read. I am blown away. Incredible imagery that puts me any place you direct me to. The detail is amazing and unique in its perspective and slant. One of the finest pieces I have read on here or anywhere else for that matter. This is one beautiful work of art. Cannot wait to read more. This makes my night. mikey
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Wow. Wow I myself am blown away. This might be the greatest compliment I have ever received here. You have made MY night my friend. Its so rewarding, so wonderful, when someone "gets" my writing. You caught all the imagery. I'm just so grateful and happy about that. I'd love to read your work. You're a great reader, insightful. I'm honored by your words. Truly I am. Have a wonderful night. Thank you.
Comment from SteveY
Totally a six and deserves a 10! Your ability to describe comes right out of the realms of astral world itself! Truly heavenly descriptions and wonderful marvelous poetic flow and language!
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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Totally a six and deserves a 10! Your ability to describe comes right out of the realms of astral world itself! Truly heavenly descriptions and wonderful marvelous poetic flow and language!
Comment Written 21-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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Thank you Steve! Wow thank you. This piece really had a lot of me in it. Its an important one to me so the fact that you gave it a six is HUGE. It means more than you know. You're one of the ones I speak of in the notes btw. Thank you truly. I'm so immensely grateful.
Comment from l.raven
OH Gregory, I love the wording in your poem...And I love the words universal fabric...we are all sewn together...what a wonderful write...you are so sweet...just to know that we are all one...a beautiful picture...so very nicely written...Luff Linda xxoo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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OH Gregory, I love the wording in your poem...And I love the words universal fabric...we are all sewn together...what a wonderful write...you are so sweet...just to know that we are all one...a beautiful picture...so very nicely written...Luff Linda xxoo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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Thank you Linda that's so kind of you to say. I know it was a bit long so I'm truly grateful. Thank you.
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They are never to long Gregory...It's what it takes to write them...you are so welcome...luff Linda xxoo