The Battle of Fredricksburg
Contest Entry (173 Words)50 total reviews
Comment from Unspoken94
This battle contest is very interesting. Because you have
no author's notes, you've got us all scrambling on Google
to put your poem in context. I imagine that this poem took
awhile to put together. I am especially appreciative in the
way you show that in war, everybody loses and you expressed
that in Lee's reaction. Well done. -Bill
  |
This battle contest is very interesting. Because you have
no author's notes, you've got us all scrambling on Google
to put your poem in context. I imagine that this poem took
awhile to put together. I am especially appreciative in the
way you show that in war, everybody loses and you expressed
that in Lee's reaction. Well done. -Bill
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi Mystic Angel,
I've read this poem now four times and was going to skip the review, but as it is obvious that nothing I say or think is going to influence your chances in the voting booth, I'll share my thoughts.
With each read I felt like you had shifted tenses back and forth through the poem, but finally decided that the last two stanzas should at least be highlighted as having grammatical errors:
The north retreated, limping back
from what was one ill planned attack.
Lee in prayerful silence grieved
for losses which can't be retrieved.
Today there barely stands a stone
or remnant of some small atone
for all the carnage and blood spilt
upon which civil rights was built.
It is the last lines in each of these stanzas, grammatically speaking which have the wrong form of the words you have used. In the first of the two, I believe that can't needs to be couldn't. In the last line of the poem you have the plural subject (civil rights) and the singular (was, which should be were; if you used present tense, was is the equivalent of is and you would say 'upon which civil rights are built.')
I had thought, perhaps, others might have noticed, thus I didn't not need to mention, however, you were kind enough to read and review my selection, and I wanted to do the same for yours.
I realize that perhaps you were aware of this and chose to defy convention in the name of 'poetic license,' however, if that is the case, perhaps it is best at least addressed in author's notes.
Bravo on your success in the voting booth, despite what my thoughts were lol
Kim
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
 |
Hi Mystic Angel,
I've read this poem now four times and was going to skip the review, but as it is obvious that nothing I say or think is going to influence your chances in the voting booth, I'll share my thoughts.
With each read I felt like you had shifted tenses back and forth through the poem, but finally decided that the last two stanzas should at least be highlighted as having grammatical errors:
The north retreated, limping back
from what was one ill planned attack.
Lee in prayerful silence grieved
for losses which can't be retrieved.
Today there barely stands a stone
or remnant of some small atone
for all the carnage and blood spilt
upon which civil rights was built.
It is the last lines in each of these stanzas, grammatically speaking which have the wrong form of the words you have used. In the first of the two, I believe that can't needs to be couldn't. In the last line of the poem you have the plural subject (civil rights) and the singular (was, which should be were; if you used present tense, was is the equivalent of is and you would say 'upon which civil rights are built.')
I had thought, perhaps, others might have noticed, thus I didn't not need to mention, however, you were kind enough to read and review my selection, and I wanted to do the same for yours.
I realize that perhaps you were aware of this and chose to defy convention in the name of 'poetic license,' however, if that is the case, perhaps it is best at least addressed in author's notes.
Bravo on your success in the voting booth, despite what my thoughts were lol
Kim
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you and while I disagree with many of your comments .... "civil rights" (which is the correct manner in which we refer to those laws in total here) especially, I am more than appreciative of your right (civil in delivery) to share them. I write what my heart speaks and am never concerned with grammar - punctuation - or many ofthe other rules of rote that stifle one's creative energy and flow. Best of all, I have no problem with those who wish to write that way and critiques accordingly so we are good. Hugs and winning is never my goal .... touching a heart or two with a few words is. I did not touch yours BUT I did touch a couple of others :) and that is all that matters to me.
Comment from William Ross
Exellent, very well done, written really well, about the Civil war. Lots of good rgyming a great read. good luck in the contest with this.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
Exellent, very well done, written really well, about the Civil war. Lots of good rgyming a great read. good luck in the contest with this.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much, William. I truly appreciate all of the encouragement your kind and candid encouragement provides, It make writing a joy for me.
Comment from Janet Foor
An excellent "battle" poem for the contest. Good picture to give the reader a visual of the battle. Good rhyme and excellent detail throughout. Well done.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
An excellent "battle" poem for the contest. Good picture to give the reader a visual of the battle. Good rhyme and excellent detail throughout. Well done.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much. Your kind encouragement is greatly appreciated.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Wow, you never cease to amaze me - you are very talented, my friend. What a wonderful way to remember such an important historic event. Your poetry is full of imagery, and flawless in delivery. (Out of sixes already...sigh...)
So, I learn something about this site after all -- nearly eight years here and I thought I knew just about all there was to know about FanStory. lol. Then again, Tom loves to surprise us with a change now and then...
But my review of your poem doesn't change one iota-- it's still wonderful.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
Wow, you never cease to amaze me - you are very talented, my friend. What a wonderful way to remember such an important historic event. Your poetry is full of imagery, and flawless in delivery. (Out of sixes already...sigh...)
So, I learn something about this site after all -- nearly eight years here and I thought I knew just about all there was to know about FanStory. lol. Then again, Tom loves to surprise us with a change now and then...
But my review of your poem doesn't change one iota-- it's still wonderful.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much for the kind and generous encouragement and feedback. It is such generous support as this that inspires me daily to keep writing and for that I am truly grateful.
Comment from Domino 2
Thanks for entering, Monica.
I've heard about the incredibly high casualty rate of the civil war, and much of this responsibility must have been down to the Generals ill-planned tactics on both sides, as I think you infer here.
You create a very real atmosphere of dread, discipline, heroism and bloodshed in this excellent and dramatic poem.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
Thanks for entering, Monica.
I've heard about the incredibly high casualty rate of the civil war, and much of this responsibility must have been down to the Generals ill-planned tactics on both sides, as I think you infer here.
You create a very real atmosphere of dread, discipline, heroism and bloodshed in this excellent and dramatic poem.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much for the kind and generous encouragement and feedback. It is such generous support as this that inspires me daily to keep writing and for that I am truly grateful.
Comment from MacMhuirich
This Battle Contest is wonderful, there are many unheard of battles and I've never heard of this one. The work is well written in good rhyme and good form.
I like the artwork you have chosen which I assume is a painting of this battle.
Thank you for sharing this battle and best wishes for the contest.
Bless you
John
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
This Battle Contest is wonderful, there are many unheard of battles and I've never heard of this one. The work is well written in good rhyme and good form.
I like the artwork you have chosen which I assume is a painting of this battle.
Thank you for sharing this battle and best wishes for the contest.
Bless you
John
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much for the kind and generous encouragement and feedback. It is such generous support as this that inspires me daily to keep writing and for that I am truly grateful.
Comment from lightink
I love when women enter this contest! The description of the battle is full of pathos and rightfully solemn. However, the last lines give meaning to it all:
"for all the carnage and blood spilt
upon which civil rights was built."
Excellent writing!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
I love when women enter this contest! The description of the battle is full of pathos and rightfully solemn. However, the last lines give meaning to it all:
"for all the carnage and blood spilt
upon which civil rights was built."
Excellent writing!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much for the kind and generous encouragement and feedback. It is such generous support as this that inspires me daily to keep writing and for that I am truly grateful.
Comment from Mastery
Wow! This is a well-written and rhyming poem about a very decisive battle, Monica. Super job all the way through. I liked this stanza in particular:
"Today there barely stands a stone
or remnant of some small atone
for all the carnage and blood spilt
upon which civil rights was built."
Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
Wow! This is a well-written and rhyming poem about a very decisive battle, Monica. Super job all the way through. I liked this stanza in particular:
"Today there barely stands a stone
or remnant of some small atone
for all the carnage and blood spilt
upon which civil rights was built."
Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much, Bob. I try my best and when I receive such encouragement it just inspires me to keep trying even harder.
-
Good! :)
Comment from LIJ Red
Lincoln's war to force the South into line was not going well. When he
made it an issue of human freedom, those boys in blue marched right into the cannon's mouth. One side fighting for their homes and lives,
the other for human rights. Fate got ugly in that war. this is in my favorite, tetrameter quatrains. Excellent.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
|
Lincoln's war to force the South into line was not going well. When he
made it an issue of human freedom, those boys in blue marched right into the cannon's mouth. One side fighting for their homes and lives,
the other for human rights. Fate got ugly in that war. this is in my favorite, tetrameter quatrains. Excellent.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
-
Thank you very much. It was a war so wasteful. Yet, as in all devastating events, people came out stringer and with a clearer vision of the future. Something I fear we have lost in this new century.