Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Desert Danger"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
42 total reviews
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Finally I am in at the start of a piece and hopefully am able to enjoy a piece as it unfolds.
Thank you for the summary. I see no problems to be changed and quite a wonderful description to get us started.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Finally I am in at the start of a piece and hopefully am able to enjoy a piece as it unfolds.
Thank you for the summary. I see no problems to be changed and quite a wonderful description to get us started.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, Barb. Some have critiqued all the info up front, but I did so because we read disjointed on this site and decided to go for the front load of info. I am so excited to have you at the start, and hopefully you can follow along on this journey with me.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good beginning. Now that he can't go anywhere, he'll have no choice but to count on the locals for help. I'm assuming there's no cell reception where he is, so calling for help isn't possible?
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Good beginning. Now that he can't go anywhere, he'll have no choice but to count on the locals for help. I'm assuming there's no cell reception where he is, so calling for help isn't possible?
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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You are entirely right!! He is at their mercy. haha. He should have kept his eyes on the road!
Thanks for joining in,
Rhonda
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Rhonda,
I'm thrilled to be in on the first chapter of a new book! You introduced your protagonist, and you used details to provide the reader with a modest description of him. You didn't front load the story with too much physical description or revel all the details all at once - nice job. You have nice descriptive narrative throughout this piece - again, nice job. I'm thinking that the deer running out in front of Archie and causing an accident is the inciting incident . . . yes? From the general summary of your book, I think the antagonist will be revealed shortly! Nice job with all of this.
I did notice some spags and such:
Archie looked out of the window of his car. (You used 'of' twice in this sentence, and very close together. If you eliminate the first one it will tighten up the sentence, and it will have a smoother flow when reading.)
Of course[,] Archie knew that one reason he had won the election . . . (You need a comma after introductory words.)
. . . father's leadership, as Andy had answered a higher calling. As of the past November . . . (You used 'as' twice in close proximity. For me, it doesn't ring right to the ears when reading. Maybe eliminate the second one and just say 'This past November . . .')
appearance of a great[,] tawny ocean filled (Two or more adjectives that modify the same noun need to be separated with a comma)
dotted by clusters of branching cactus (Did you mean 'cacti' here? )
What few trees dared to fight the merciless environment, appeared small and gnarled, {their} life energy sapped by an unforgiving sun. (This is a run-on sentence. Start the second sentence with the word 'their.')
Archie wondered how the many and varied {the} species of desert animals could thrive in such harsh conditions. (The syntax is off, here. I think it is just an extra word - 'the.')
worked hard to teach him[,] and his younger brothers[,] to appreciate ('and his younger brothers' is a parenthetical expression and needs to be set apart from the rest of the sentence with commas.)
He didn't consider himself particularly spoiled, his parents had worked hard to teach him and his younger brothers to appreciate life when they were young, but he just couldn't imagine wanting to live in so barren a habitat. (This is a run-on sentence. It could be made into three sentences, such as: He didn't consider himself particularly spoiled. His parents worked hard to teach him, and his younger brothers, to appreciate life when they were young. He just couldn't imagine wanting to live in so barren a habitat.)
It was a nice place to visit, and it acted as a tonic to his soul...but live there? He {had} rather not... (The word 'had' will work here, but to my ears, it sounds like something a stuffy old English butler might say. The word 'would' would also work and not sound so stuffy and perfect. Not sure which way you want your character to come across to the reader . . .)
peoples of the southwest plains (capitalize Southwest because it is part of the country rather than directions)
The people here wanted to expand, {to} make the parched land more productive. (Run-on sentence. It is an easy fix to make it one sentence. Change the indicated 'to' to an 'and.')
Archie's soul began to heal[,] and his nerves relax[ed]. (Separate two independent clauses, aka complete sentences, with a comma. Also, I suspect a typo on 'relax' - it should be relaxed.)
But he was on vacation, more or less, and {so he} let it fly free. (I think this sentence can be tightened up and will flow smoother if you eliminate the words, 'so he.')
{Archie} was appealing to the media. {Archie's} two little brothers, though attractive in their own right, were slight in stature like their mother, and sported her blonde hair and blue eyes. Also, unlike {Archie}, they hated public attention. (The rule for using proper nouns and their pronouns is to use the proper noun {Archie} once, then for the next three times you refer to the proper noun {Archie}, use a pronoun {he, his, him}; then for the fourth use, switch back to the proper noun {Archie}. However, there is always an exception to the rule, and I think this last sentence is one of those exceptions. You'll need to stick with 'Archie' because if you replace it with a pronoun, it won't sound or read too well.)
All-in-all, his family was totally happy doing whatever they did, even his mother who had dedicated her life to the raising of her children -- an ambitious project in Archie's estimation. (Run-on sentence can be made into two, and perhaps a slight rewording to tighten it up. Something like: All-in-all, his family was completely happy doing what they did for a living. Especially his mother, who dedicated her life to raising her children - an ambitious project in Archie's estimation.)
Smiling to himself, he passed a sign on I-40 declaring fifty miles to Gallup, a bold New Mexico insignia proudly proclaiming this road as belonging to them, emblazoned on the top. (Run-on sentence, and a couple of other things going on here. I would end the first sentence after 'Gallop.' For the next sentence - another rule of thumb is that less is more; when it comes to adjectives and adverbs, especially the ly adverbs, use them only when absolutely necessary, if at all. Not sure a sign can 'proudly' proclaim something; it is an inanimate object. Also, 'belonging to them' - there is no antecedent to identify 'them.' The choice is yours, but maybe just shuffle the words around. Perhaps something such as: 'An insignia, emblazoned on the top, proclaimed the road belonged to New Mexico.' It gets rid of the excess verbiage and tightens the sentence up, too.)
No sooner had he leaned his head back against the headrest to enjoy the sensation, then he was startled by a deer appearing to his right on the road. (This sentence is cumbersome and doesn't flow well off the tongue. Perhaps some minor rewording - such as: Just as he leaned his head back against the headrest, to enjoy the sensation, a deer startled him when it appeared on the road, to his right.)
Instinctively Archie leaned forward and reached for the brake. His foot connected to the pedal and he pressed it, but there was no response. (This is a step-by-step sequence, and not really needed. It would suffice to simply state, 'Archie slammed on the brakes, but there was no response.' The reader would automatically know he leaned forward, he reached for the brake, his foot connected with the pedal, and he pressed it. A step-by-step can be boring and seldom moves the story forward. Also, by eliminating the excess verbiage, it tightens up the sentence.)
He pressed again, and the pedal snapped with a sickening clatter and fell onto the floorboard. (Going to play devil's advocate with this one. When something 'snaps' is the sound you hear a 'clatter?' You wrote that when the pedal snapped, it fell onto the floorboard. Where else could it fall but the floorboard? Is that part of the sentence really needed? It is excess verbiage and by eliminating it, would tighten up the sentence.)
I think you're off to a great start with this book. I like what you wrote in the general summary - it promises to be an interesting ride, for sure!
Suzanne
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Rhonda,
I'm thrilled to be in on the first chapter of a new book! You introduced your protagonist, and you used details to provide the reader with a modest description of him. You didn't front load the story with too much physical description or revel all the details all at once - nice job. You have nice descriptive narrative throughout this piece - again, nice job. I'm thinking that the deer running out in front of Archie and causing an accident is the inciting incident . . . yes? From the general summary of your book, I think the antagonist will be revealed shortly! Nice job with all of this.
I did notice some spags and such:
Archie looked out of the window of his car. (You used 'of' twice in this sentence, and very close together. If you eliminate the first one it will tighten up the sentence, and it will have a smoother flow when reading.)
Of course[,] Archie knew that one reason he had won the election . . . (You need a comma after introductory words.)
. . . father's leadership, as Andy had answered a higher calling. As of the past November . . . (You used 'as' twice in close proximity. For me, it doesn't ring right to the ears when reading. Maybe eliminate the second one and just say 'This past November . . .')
appearance of a great[,] tawny ocean filled (Two or more adjectives that modify the same noun need to be separated with a comma)
dotted by clusters of branching cactus (Did you mean 'cacti' here? )
What few trees dared to fight the merciless environment, appeared small and gnarled, {their} life energy sapped by an unforgiving sun. (This is a run-on sentence. Start the second sentence with the word 'their.')
Archie wondered how the many and varied {the} species of desert animals could thrive in such harsh conditions. (The syntax is off, here. I think it is just an extra word - 'the.')
worked hard to teach him[,] and his younger brothers[,] to appreciate ('and his younger brothers' is a parenthetical expression and needs to be set apart from the rest of the sentence with commas.)
He didn't consider himself particularly spoiled, his parents had worked hard to teach him and his younger brothers to appreciate life when they were young, but he just couldn't imagine wanting to live in so barren a habitat. (This is a run-on sentence. It could be made into three sentences, such as: He didn't consider himself particularly spoiled. His parents worked hard to teach him, and his younger brothers, to appreciate life when they were young. He just couldn't imagine wanting to live in so barren a habitat.)
It was a nice place to visit, and it acted as a tonic to his soul...but live there? He {had} rather not... (The word 'had' will work here, but to my ears, it sounds like something a stuffy old English butler might say. The word 'would' would also work and not sound so stuffy and perfect. Not sure which way you want your character to come across to the reader . . .)
peoples of the southwest plains (capitalize Southwest because it is part of the country rather than directions)
The people here wanted to expand, {to} make the parched land more productive. (Run-on sentence. It is an easy fix to make it one sentence. Change the indicated 'to' to an 'and.')
Archie's soul began to heal[,] and his nerves relax[ed]. (Separate two independent clauses, aka complete sentences, with a comma. Also, I suspect a typo on 'relax' - it should be relaxed.)
But he was on vacation, more or less, and {so he} let it fly free. (I think this sentence can be tightened up and will flow smoother if you eliminate the words, 'so he.')
{Archie} was appealing to the media. {Archie's} two little brothers, though attractive in their own right, were slight in stature like their mother, and sported her blonde hair and blue eyes. Also, unlike {Archie}, they hated public attention. (The rule for using proper nouns and their pronouns is to use the proper noun {Archie} once, then for the next three times you refer to the proper noun {Archie}, use a pronoun {he, his, him}; then for the fourth use, switch back to the proper noun {Archie}. However, there is always an exception to the rule, and I think this last sentence is one of those exceptions. You'll need to stick with 'Archie' because if you replace it with a pronoun, it won't sound or read too well.)
All-in-all, his family was totally happy doing whatever they did, even his mother who had dedicated her life to the raising of her children -- an ambitious project in Archie's estimation. (Run-on sentence can be made into two, and perhaps a slight rewording to tighten it up. Something like: All-in-all, his family was completely happy doing what they did for a living. Especially his mother, who dedicated her life to raising her children - an ambitious project in Archie's estimation.)
Smiling to himself, he passed a sign on I-40 declaring fifty miles to Gallup, a bold New Mexico insignia proudly proclaiming this road as belonging to them, emblazoned on the top. (Run-on sentence, and a couple of other things going on here. I would end the first sentence after 'Gallop.' For the next sentence - another rule of thumb is that less is more; when it comes to adjectives and adverbs, especially the ly adverbs, use them only when absolutely necessary, if at all. Not sure a sign can 'proudly' proclaim something; it is an inanimate object. Also, 'belonging to them' - there is no antecedent to identify 'them.' The choice is yours, but maybe just shuffle the words around. Perhaps something such as: 'An insignia, emblazoned on the top, proclaimed the road belonged to New Mexico.' It gets rid of the excess verbiage and tightens the sentence up, too.)
No sooner had he leaned his head back against the headrest to enjoy the sensation, then he was startled by a deer appearing to his right on the road. (This sentence is cumbersome and doesn't flow well off the tongue. Perhaps some minor rewording - such as: Just as he leaned his head back against the headrest, to enjoy the sensation, a deer startled him when it appeared on the road, to his right.)
Instinctively Archie leaned forward and reached for the brake. His foot connected to the pedal and he pressed it, but there was no response. (This is a step-by-step sequence, and not really needed. It would suffice to simply state, 'Archie slammed on the brakes, but there was no response.' The reader would automatically know he leaned forward, he reached for the brake, his foot connected with the pedal, and he pressed it. A step-by-step can be boring and seldom moves the story forward. Also, by eliminating the excess verbiage, it tightens up the sentence.)
He pressed again, and the pedal snapped with a sickening clatter and fell onto the floorboard. (Going to play devil's advocate with this one. When something 'snaps' is the sound you hear a 'clatter?' You wrote that when the pedal snapped, it fell onto the floorboard. Where else could it fall but the floorboard? Is that part of the sentence really needed? It is excess verbiage and by eliminating it, would tighten up the sentence.)
I think you're off to a great start with this book. I like what you wrote in the general summary - it promises to be an interesting ride, for sure!
Suzanne
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Hi, Suzanne,
I really appreciate all the time and effort you put into this review. It is very detailed, and I know it took you a lot of time to do it. I have made a copy of it so I can go through it and make changes. It will take me a while, but I wanted to let you know I am working on it, and I do appreciate your help.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
It may be a risky choice writing two books at once, so good luck to you! lol
I kind of wish you hadn't included so much information in the background blurb. Personally I would have left out the last line and replaced it with something of a mystery like 'but their existence may not be all it seems' to keep some intrigue going. I'm sure there will be lots of intrigue but this could have been revealed through the narrative rather than up front.
I would try to avoid some of the telling in the opening paragraph and write around the use of was to make the narrative more immersive and dynamic.
'A warm desert breeze blew threw the open car window. Archie inhaled the scent of sagebrush and cactus, banishing the months of toil from his soul. His red Ferrari tore up the highway like a hungry predator.' or something like that.
As far as his eyes could see - nice extended metaphor in this paragraph.
He had rather not - perhaps would rather not here.
Just a thought that the narrative could have been broken up a little with some dialogue. Either an utterance from the man himself or in his reminisces.
Lots of informational backstory here and sounds like a promising story.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
It may be a risky choice writing two books at once, so good luck to you! lol
I kind of wish you hadn't included so much information in the background blurb. Personally I would have left out the last line and replaced it with something of a mystery like 'but their existence may not be all it seems' to keep some intrigue going. I'm sure there will be lots of intrigue but this could have been revealed through the narrative rather than up front.
I would try to avoid some of the telling in the opening paragraph and write around the use of was to make the narrative more immersive and dynamic.
'A warm desert breeze blew threw the open car window. Archie inhaled the scent of sagebrush and cactus, banishing the months of toil from his soul. His red Ferrari tore up the highway like a hungry predator.' or something like that.
As far as his eyes could see - nice extended metaphor in this paragraph.
He had rather not - perhaps would rather not here.
Just a thought that the narrative could have been broken up a little with some dialogue. Either an utterance from the man himself or in his reminisces.
Lots of informational backstory here and sounds like a promising story.
All the best
G
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for your analysis of the first chapter of the new book.
You're right on all points, and I like the idea of how to add in dialogue, which you know I like. I will try to incorporate this into the new chapters.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from schatzling
First and foremost, I wanted to thank you for selecting my Art to accompany your very first chapter in this absolutely wonderful book you are writing. I am truly humbled. They do go well together indeed.
Second, this is the very first time I am reading the first chapter of a book.....at least I think so. Since I am fairly new to FanStory, I may have done so in the past, but really was unaware of it, if you know what I mean.
AND last but not least, I want to tell you that you are an incredible writer. I love your style. When this chapter came to an end, I was hoping your next chapter was already available to read. This is exactly the kind of book one wants to stay up with until wee early in the morning...just to get a couple hours in before having to wake up and go to work. I truly enjoyed reading it. I especially like how you describe your characters within the story itself. There are a couple words I had to look up that I was unfamiliar with....but that is a good thing. After all, English is my second language.
Thank you so much for sharing your talents with us. Am looking forward to all of your writings for this particular book. ANDS when I have some more time, I plan to check out your profile and read some of your other works
I wish you all the best with this book project.....GOOD FORTUNE to you. When you publish it, maybe YOU COULD sign my copy that I plan to purchase. Maybe I could buy your first copy. I am very serious!!!!!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.....YES...6 stars is what this deserves. How many chapters will it have 8? 11? 13"? Eight six stars then you will receive if they are anyth9ing like this chapter. Perhaps even 11 or 13 (heehee!) Keep writing.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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First and foremost, I wanted to thank you for selecting my Art to accompany your very first chapter in this absolutely wonderful book you are writing. I am truly humbled. They do go well together indeed.
Second, this is the very first time I am reading the first chapter of a book.....at least I think so. Since I am fairly new to FanStory, I may have done so in the past, but really was unaware of it, if you know what I mean.
AND last but not least, I want to tell you that you are an incredible writer. I love your style. When this chapter came to an end, I was hoping your next chapter was already available to read. This is exactly the kind of book one wants to stay up with until wee early in the morning...just to get a couple hours in before having to wake up and go to work. I truly enjoyed reading it. I especially like how you describe your characters within the story itself. There are a couple words I had to look up that I was unfamiliar with....but that is a good thing. After all, English is my second language.
Thank you so much for sharing your talents with us. Am looking forward to all of your writings for this particular book. ANDS when I have some more time, I plan to check out your profile and read some of your other works
I wish you all the best with this book project.....GOOD FORTUNE to you. When you publish it, maybe YOU COULD sign my copy that I plan to purchase. Maybe I could buy your first copy. I am very serious!!!!!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.....YES...6 stars is what this deserves. How many chapters will it have 8? 11? 13"? Eight six stars then you will receive if they are anyth9ing like this chapter. Perhaps even 11 or 13 (heehee!) Keep writing.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, first of all, for the wonderful artwork. I think it is beautiful, and, like you said, goes well with the chapter.
Thank you for the six star review, especially at the beginning of the book, that sure helps get it off to a brilliant start.
I appreciate, as well, the remarks you made about the book and my writing. That is so sweet, and helpful.
I promise to save you a copy!!
Take care, and please stay with me on the book. I would be so proud!
Take care,
Rhonda
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Oh yes indeed. I plan to read every chapter that you write. I will be with you every step of the way.
Comment from Mike Stevens
Well, this ought to be good, Rhonda--I wonder, the story line would help explain the Trump voters. Are you sure you didn't hear about this on Fox News?
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Well, this ought to be good, Rhonda--I wonder, the story line would help explain the Trump voters. Are you sure you didn't hear about this on Fox News?
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Truly funny, but this time, I'm afraid the Pres is a bit on the liberal side, as you will find out later...
Thanks for the review!
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Good, because now I can safely read without grinding my teeth!
Comment from MelB
Still looking out over the vast stretch of nature, Archie's soul began to heal and his nerves relax. - relax(ed)
Hi Rhonda, fantastic imagery and description! This promises to be a suspenseful story. I'm so glad the deer made it to safety.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Still looking out over the vast stretch of nature, Archie's soul began to heal and his nerves relax. - relax(ed)
Hi Rhonda, fantastic imagery and description! This promises to be a suspenseful story. I'm so glad the deer made it to safety.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Melissa. Yeah, the deer made a quick escape, but you'll find out more about him later...
Thanks for the read and review. I'm glad you're reading this one as well. I hope you stay with it. Your opinion means a lot to me!
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
Your introductory chapter felt like the unfurling of a great map. And on the map, we follow Archie's plans and journey to the top. It's the familiar space, the heritage of a particular American power family, and the general goodness of the man, as he surges across the desert.
You release many relevant facts about his life, his place in the little dynasty, and where he stands alongside his brothers. We even see him unfold in the environment he likes to visit, not live among.
And then, there's the dramatic survival reach as a deer appears suddenly before him. It seems you've killed him off, but I doubt it. Too much Archie already. This man is central to the plot.
This is such a new and positive direction for your writing, Rhonda. Love the idea of politics, science, the old south and west all embroiled in a new, big stew. Look forward to what comes next.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Your introductory chapter felt like the unfurling of a great map. And on the map, we follow Archie's plans and journey to the top. It's the familiar space, the heritage of a particular American power family, and the general goodness of the man, as he surges across the desert.
You release many relevant facts about his life, his place in the little dynasty, and where he stands alongside his brothers. We even see him unfold in the environment he likes to visit, not live among.
And then, there's the dramatic survival reach as a deer appears suddenly before him. It seems you've killed him off, but I doubt it. Too much Archie already. This man is central to the plot.
This is such a new and positive direction for your writing, Rhonda. Love the idea of politics, science, the old south and west all embroiled in a new, big stew. Look forward to what comes next.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Thanks so much for the advise and commentary. This book is for an older set of readers, so, thus a little harder line on description at the beginning. Some didn't like it, and I'll take their advice into account in the next chapters, but, what the heck, I've gotta start somewhere, right?
It isn't quite as dark as the DDG, yet anyway. No vampires and werewolves, but danger, none-the-less.
Again, much thanks for checking it out!!
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A very well written beginning chapter to your novel, my friend. An interesting story-line and acharacter we can already identify with. I will try to follow this one~Debbie
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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A very well written beginning chapter to your novel, my friend. An interesting story-line and acharacter we can already identify with. I will try to follow this one~Debbie
Comment Written 01-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Debbie!! I hope you are able to follow through. I'm like you, I'm always catching a book midstream. lol. It's hard to catch up that way.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from CEO2020
This promises to be a very good story! I am giving you six stars because of your opening paragraph. I find it exceptional writing in the skill of imagery and SHOWING.
"The evening was perfect. There was a warm desert breeze blowing through windows partially rolled down. The scent of sagebrush and cactus infiltrated Archie's senses like a narcotic, chasing away months of toil from his soul. The red Ferrari he was belted into tore across the open expanses of highway like a lion chasing its prey. He was young, powerful, and determined to rid the country of all ills, self imposed and otherwise."
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2016
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This promises to be a very good story! I am giving you six stars because of your opening paragraph. I find it exceptional writing in the skill of imagery and SHOWING.
"The evening was perfect. There was a warm desert breeze blowing through windows partially rolled down. The scent of sagebrush and cactus infiltrated Archie's senses like a narcotic, chasing away months of toil from his soul. The red Ferrari he was belted into tore across the open expanses of highway like a lion chasing its prey. He was young, powerful, and determined to rid the country of all ills, self imposed and otherwise."
Comment Written 01-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the brilliant six stars!! The first for my new book!!
This book isn't young adult, so I stray a bit from my heavy conversational style of the Daredevil Girl stories. Thank you for commenting on this style. It helps me immensely!!
Have a great night,
Rhonda