Comment from gene roush

Excellent

This opens with nice tension that you carry throughout the posting.
"Suit yourself, but we've got to hurry. We'll have to get as far from here as we can before daybreak. That's when I figure they'll notice we've gone missing and send the Cougar Kin out.",
But struggles to feel natural in others,"but not to worry" doesn't feel accurate to me
Some of the imagery feels a bit incongruent as well."A tuft of gray hair rested on his head in hopeless disarray, and a thick white beard graced his chin" hair in disarray seems out of place with a graceful beard.
I realize that I'm nit picking with my criticism, but there's a lot of strength in this story, (the five stars) I don't want to see it bogged down with such correctable little things.
Thanks for sharing
Gene

 Comment Written 29-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017

Thank you, Gene, and that does make sense. Yes, it is nitpicking, but then that's what it takes to smooth things out. When writing, we often don't see what others do because we see it in our head, and showing it to others, often miss the little things.
Thanks for your help,
Rhonda

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Rhonda,

Sounds like SOMEone had to do quite a bit of research for THIS chapter - or else all that time in the girl scouts is paying off, girlfriend! *smile* Very nice!

One (very small!) note:
1.) tell him old Sani says he's alright in his book."
--> while 'alright' is becoming accepted, 'all right' is the more appropriate phrase.

Thanks!

 Comment Written 29-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017

Oh, okay, thanks for the advice of alright/all right. Makes sense!!

I did do a lot of research. A dear friend of mine is a Girl Scout leader, and was raised with a survival guy named Bear something other. She's helped me a lot with the survival info. As far as the area, I took a journey to New Mexico and Colorado to do hands on research. Thank you for noticing!!

Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

I don't envy them walking in the desert - couldn't stand the heat for a start - they seem to be doing OK though - and the old man seems to know a few survival tricks.

The only light they had[,] was provided by a full yellow - no comma

No," Koko [said](replied). "The only one I - perhaps break the "said"s up with - replied

and in a pinch - isn't it - at a pinch
Archie(,) you start digging." - comma


Margaret

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 Comment Written 29-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017

Thank you for your careful eyes, Margaret!
I don't know the proper wording for "in or at a pinch", but I've always heard it the way I wrote it. It might be a Texas colloquialism. I'm not sure! Thanks for pointing it out.
The old man does know a lot about survival, and one must wonder why he hasn't escaped before now??? There's a lot more to him than meets the eye.
Thanks for your time and attention!
Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from Mystic Angel 7777

Excellent

It's good to see they made it out. Archie is quite right as now Ayala is in it just as deep as the rest of them so she will need to knock off the attitude and start pitching in. You did a great job with the part about allowing the earth to speak to you as many Indian cultures have used those same methods for centuries. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.

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 Comment Written 29-Jan-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017

Thank you for your R & R, it is so helpful.
I'm glad you picked up on the Indian culture. I actually have done quite a bit of research on this book, unlike the Daredevil Girls, which is a sort of whimsical story where I made everything up. I took a lot of time traveling, speaking to Native Americans, reading, and speaking with survival specialists. My hope is to not come across as too "teachy". I want the information to flow naturally, not sound like a term paper. Please let me know if it edges that direction.

Thanks so much,
Rhonda

reply by Mystic Angel 7777 on 29-Jan-2017

Rhonda,

Your research shows well, but only to one who has studied it as you have or simply is intuitive to the elemental world. It comes across as an integral part of the story because you introduce it subtly and in the context in which it is used it comes across as part of the natural instincts which promote survival. You really are handling it well and I doubt (I?ll be surprised if I am wrong) very many readers here even thought the section significant. My instinct tells me it is going to play a huge role in this little group?s ability to survive. It does NOT come across as preachy or contrived at all since it ?fits? with the way the story is flowing so far. I think myself very blessed to be able to read it and to have such a gifted writer as a new friend.

reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017

That is so sweet. The honor is entirely mine!
Thank you for explaining how it worked in so thoroughly, because that is the most helpful type of review. If I had any nominations left, I would nominate you. I'm glad we've become writing buddies!!