Mental Floss
Should One Floss Daily?42 total reviews
Comment from krprice
I turned. . . That was the bend. . . delete that
I felt. . . You same as. . sentence doesn't make sense
Chaunce stood. . . delete that
For a full minute. .. tale-tale should be tell-tale. . .
Excellent post.
Karlene
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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I turned. . . That was the bend. . . delete that
I felt. . . You same as. . sentence doesn't make sense
Chaunce stood. . . delete that
For a full minute. .. tale-tale should be tell-tale. . .
Excellent post.
Karlene
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Ah, thank you, Karlene
You same as. . sentence doesn't make sense [I wonder if "You same as invited her" is a regional thing? I might consider changing it if I get any other mention of it. It sounds perfectly all right to me.]
Chaunce stood. . . delete that [Why? I do wish you would explain your suggestions. I used "Chaunce stood" three times.]
Bless you for finding my tale-tale. I made the change.
I DO appreciate your review, Karlene.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly. It is long, but it moves at a good pace so one doesn't mind the length at all. I feel sorry for young girls like Audrey as I think they are simply looking for a way to feel good about themselves - very misguided but seems to feed their need until they become old enough to realize they are only being used badly. I am happy that Jay stood his moral ground :). I wish you all the best in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly. It is long, but it moves at a good pace so one doesn't mind the length at all. I feel sorry for young girls like Audrey as I think they are simply looking for a way to feel good about themselves - very misguided but seems to feed their need until they become old enough to realize they are only being used badly. I am happy that Jay stood his moral ground :). I wish you all the best in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Thank you for your kind review. I agree with you about Audrey. I'm finding from other reviewers that her actions aren't that rare.
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Unfortunately, they are not which just attests to the lack of sound parenting and moral fiber in the world today.
Comment from bookishfabler
Holy crap, that was some story. I have no idea if there were nits or spags. I was so engrossed in it. Some notes I had as I read.
Yeah. Wouldn't want their titty hard-ons to show."
(I chuckled too)
I felt a wave of revulsion at the thought of a grown man, with two days' stubble, for crying out loud, taking her to the caves. "I thought she came to see you, Barry. You same as invited her." (Not good)
Good luck in the contest
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Holy crap, that was some story. I have no idea if there were nits or spags. I was so engrossed in it. Some notes I had as I read.
Yeah. Wouldn't want their titty hard-ons to show."
(I chuckled too)
I felt a wave of revulsion at the thought of a grown man, with two days' stubble, for crying out loud, taking her to the caves. "I thought she came to see you, Barry. You same as invited her." (Not good)
Good luck in the contest
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Bless you, Heidi. I'm so happy you enjoyed reading this story. "You same as invited her." (Not good) [Karlene, in her review, said that quote didn't make sense. I told her it did to me; that it might be a regional thing. I assured her I would consider changing it, though, if I had any other reviewers who agreed with her. I think what you meant by the "Not good" was the situation wasn't good for Barry, right? Or was the wording not good. Thanks again, Heidi. The six stars mean SO MUCH to me.
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I meant the situation.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Wow, Jay, that was overly-long, but as it's a contest entry
I can understand.
It was such a treat to find something posted from you, my friend.
A couple of minor things you:
A couple (of) hours
"Where're the squirrels[,](?)" he asked -
(")You know, we're about as old now
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Wow, Jay, that was overly-long, but as it's a contest entry
I can understand.
It was such a treat to find something posted from you, my friend.
A couple of minor things you:
A couple (of) hours
"Where're the squirrels[,](?)" he asked -
(")You know, we're about as old now
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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You have such a good editing eye, Margaret. I made all the changes. Thanks for bringing them to my attention. Yeah, it's too long for the contest. I think you meant it would have been better attended to for general readership if I had it cut into three chapters. I would agree. Thanks again for the six stars, Margaret.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
So nice to see this crop up today in my in-box. I haven't reviewed the scripts you've had up as I find them harder to read in any meaningful way - although I have now spent a bit of time studying the form. Good to see the full prose back.
I can recognize now a compensation mechanism secretly at work, cramming all Chaunce's insecurity into the obscene bulge of his chest, shoulders and arms, and thick ropes of muscle crawling over his thighs. - We all that 'small man syndrome' here, something I was guilty of in the past - well I played rugby too so that helped to divert the accusations lol
for a couple hours. - I have since gathered that this is acceptable as I keep wanting to put an 'of' in between these.
who was what we, today, call Down Syndrome - we would say 'has Sown Syndrome' rather than 'is' here.
"Where're the squirrels," he asked - I think this should have a question mark inserted.
You know, we're about as old now, as Chaunce was back then?" - need opening speech marks here.
Great storytelling, Jay. Full of choice expressions and description. Very engrossing.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Hi Jay,
So nice to see this crop up today in my in-box. I haven't reviewed the scripts you've had up as I find them harder to read in any meaningful way - although I have now spent a bit of time studying the form. Good to see the full prose back.
I can recognize now a compensation mechanism secretly at work, cramming all Chaunce's insecurity into the obscene bulge of his chest, shoulders and arms, and thick ropes of muscle crawling over his thighs. - We all that 'small man syndrome' here, something I was guilty of in the past - well I played rugby too so that helped to divert the accusations lol
for a couple hours. - I have since gathered that this is acceptable as I keep wanting to put an 'of' in between these.
who was what we, today, call Down Syndrome - we would say 'has Sown Syndrome' rather than 'is' here.
"Where're the squirrels," he asked - I think this should have a question mark inserted.
You know, we're about as old now, as Chaunce was back then?" - need opening speech marks here.
Great storytelling, Jay. Full of choice expressions and description. Very engrossing.
All the best
G
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much for the corrections. I took care of them except the reference to "Down Syndrome". I didn't quite understand what you meant. I'm happy to enjoyed this, G. It's good writing stories again.
Comment from LIJ Red
Right down to the hemming and hawing between you guys at the end, this sure rings true. Dark? Or just realistic, something not talked a lot about? At any rate, the delivery is exceptional.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Right down to the hemming and hawing between you guys at the end, this sure rings true. Dark? Or just realistic, something not talked a lot about? At any rate, the delivery is exceptional.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Red, for the six stars and your kind words. Yeah, a few people thought it wasn't dark.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Avery good story and an excellent contest entry. Very long though. I think you would get more reviews if you broke this up into art least two chapters, The readers on this site are not known for reading long posts.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Avery good story and an excellent contest entry. Very long though. I think you would get more reviews if you broke this up into art least two chapters, The readers on this site are not known for reading long posts.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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I know what you are saying about the chapters. If it weren't a contest, it would have been in at least three parts. Also there was a 3,000 word beginning to the story that I abandoned. Yeah, I know about the readers on this site. I am one of them who feels the same way. Hey, Thomas, thanks for hanging in there and reading it despite its length.
Comment from c_lucas
When I was in high school they found a group of girls in Junior High charging two dollars a trick. This is very well written with a tantalizing read.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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When I was in high school they found a group of girls in Junior High charging two dollars a trick. This is very well written with a tantalizing read.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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I think Audrey would have paid. Thanks, Charlie, for reading.
Comment from w.j.debi
It was certainly an engaging tale. You tell just enough to let the imagination fill in the rest. An eleven-year-old who thought she was much older and who let young men let their imaginations run on ahead of themselves.
You do a great job of intermingling the eating of a PB&J sandwich with memories, gossip and teasing. It creates a great visual of two young men taunting each other with what coulda woulda shoulda ya have done.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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It was certainly an engaging tale. You tell just enough to let the imagination fill in the rest. An eleven-year-old who thought she was much older and who let young men let their imaginations run on ahead of themselves.
You do a great job of intermingling the eating of a PB&J sandwich with memories, gossip and teasing. It creates a great visual of two young men taunting each other with what coulda woulda shoulda ya have done.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much, W.J. debi. I'm thrilled you stuck through to the end. It's awfully long for a contest.
Comment from ProSongwriter
Good Evening, Jay!
What a story! I';ve been to Avila Beach several times but always preferred Pismo, maybe 5 miles north ... something like that. But I didn't run into Audrey!
Old memories are great stories but so few can parlay them as good as you do. You give your characters real-life personalities and attitudes ... not conjured, over-the-top attributes that take away from the legitimacy of the story.
I enjoyed this from beginning to end. Your pen writes with magic ink!
Have a great evening,
Alan
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2017
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Good Evening, Jay!
What a story! I';ve been to Avila Beach several times but always preferred Pismo, maybe 5 miles north ... something like that. But I didn't run into Audrey!
Old memories are great stories but so few can parlay them as good as you do. You give your characters real-life personalities and attitudes ... not conjured, over-the-top attributes that take away from the legitimacy of the story.
I enjoyed this from beginning to end. Your pen writes with magic ink!
Have a great evening,
Alan
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Alan, for the kindness and the six stars! My stories aren't complete until I get your review. So happy you enjoyed it. Actually, Pismo is about 5 miles to the south of Avila, not north. When I was in high school the kids wouldn't be caught dead in Pismo, LOL.
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You're too kind, Jay! But it's a feather in my cap that my reviews have some significance to you.
Got my directions turned around ... damn! It's been a few years since I've been there and this old brain has a little bit of the glow knocked of off it!
I like that pier at Pismo. I also like Morro Bay, but not for the beaches ... they're kind of rocky. But the "rock" is pretty cool and the town is more quaint.
Best to you,
Alan