Jose's Paycheck
...will the embezzler get caught?36 total reviews
Comment from Marvin Calloway
For a long story, it was written so well that it read like a short story. Captivating. Couldn't put it down, so to speak.
A reference to you-know-who made it daring.
More than excellent.
Marv
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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For a long story, it was written so well that it read like a short story. Captivating. Couldn't put it down, so to speak.
A reference to you-know-who made it daring.
More than excellent.
Marv
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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YAY!! Thank you so much for your wonderful review, Marv. I was so worried about the length and HOPED it would be entertaining enough to hold the reader's attention. Your comments took away that worry and gave me a great deal of encouragement.
The shining sixth star is absolutely lovely,
~patty~
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
Hi Patty
This is a very clever story, the characters and story line marry together beautifully, so much so that it has a feel of reality about it
A wonderful read, loved it.
Mitchell
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hi Patty
This is a very clever story, the characters and story line marry together beautifully, so much so that it has a feel of reality about it
A wonderful read, loved it.
Mitchell
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hi Mitchell; thank you so much for the lovely review. This is based in some truth. About ten years ago, I was hired to be the assistant controller of a company and detected this type of fraud in my second month. The guy went to prison for two years and was ordered to pay back the funds he stole.
It still intrigues me how people will jeopardize their jobs and freedom for something like this,
~patty~
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Wow, that's unbelievable Patty, unfortunately there are people out there like this
Mitchell
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written character story. It takes a very ingenious brain to figure out such a scheme and gets away with it for a long time, until someone knowledgeable pickup on the fraud.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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A very well-written character story. It takes a very ingenious brain to figure out such a scheme and gets away with it for a long time, until someone knowledgeable pickup on the fraud.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hi Sandra; this is based in some reality. I went to work for a firm as the assistant controller and discovered the fraud in the second month I was there. He went to prison for two years and was made to pay the company back - I doubt if he owns his time-share anymore.
Thank you for reading,
~patty~
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I worked with at least three fraudsters in my banking career that was caught out while I was working with them without suspecting anything until they know their secret is going to be revealed. The panic us written on their faces.
Comment from giraffmang
hi Patty,
Nice job with the in depth characterisation here of Michael, woven backstory and 'double-life'. His worries and stresses come across very well.
There are a couple of things you may want to check on, I noticed-
Michael O'Rourke's heart was beating at an unusually rapid pace in his chest - you could delete the last three words - where else would it be beating?
People were always quick to assumptions based on nothing. - maybe 'quick to make assumptions'.
and measured the coffee, he prepared the first morning's brew. - perhaps invert this to the morning's first brew?
bustle starts at eight o'clock, but You must get your data entry done - you.
straightforward can be one word.
Wearing a wireless headset all day, she went about her work seamlessly. She input data, answered, and made calls, and still managed to keep up with the office gossip. - this opinion of Michael's sits a little at odds with this from earlier - If you didn't spend so much time talking and gossiping with the other clerks, maybe you could get your work done in a timely manner. It's the seamlessly comment that feels at odds most.
Nice twist with the Jose stories and the websites. Sure to appeal.
So, Jose's pay paid for the top-shelf scotch, dinners at five-star restaurants, and time-share vacations all over the world.- makes me wonder how much Jose was getting paid - surely not enough for all that. Immigrant labour tends to be on the lower end of the pay scale.
"It will take longer than an hour. Should we? - need closing speech marks here.
Sure, that Bill was hoping for encouragement- unnecessary comma here.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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hi Patty,
Nice job with the in depth characterisation here of Michael, woven backstory and 'double-life'. His worries and stresses come across very well.
There are a couple of things you may want to check on, I noticed-
Michael O'Rourke's heart was beating at an unusually rapid pace in his chest - you could delete the last three words - where else would it be beating?
People were always quick to assumptions based on nothing. - maybe 'quick to make assumptions'.
and measured the coffee, he prepared the first morning's brew. - perhaps invert this to the morning's first brew?
bustle starts at eight o'clock, but You must get your data entry done - you.
straightforward can be one word.
Wearing a wireless headset all day, she went about her work seamlessly. She input data, answered, and made calls, and still managed to keep up with the office gossip. - this opinion of Michael's sits a little at odds with this from earlier - If you didn't spend so much time talking and gossiping with the other clerks, maybe you could get your work done in a timely manner. It's the seamlessly comment that feels at odds most.
Nice twist with the Jose stories and the websites. Sure to appeal.
So, Jose's pay paid for the top-shelf scotch, dinners at five-star restaurants, and time-share vacations all over the world.- makes me wonder how much Jose was getting paid - surely not enough for all that. Immigrant labour tends to be on the lower end of the pay scale.
"It will take longer than an hour. Should we? - need closing speech marks here.
Sure, that Bill was hoping for encouragement- unnecessary comma here.
All the best
G
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hi G; as always, you have pointed out my errors I didn't catch and given me ideas on how to improve the piece.
I tightened up the paragraph about Janet's work, and made it clear that Jose's pay helped to support his lifestyle. I also made it clear that he owned ONE timeshare that allowed him to switch the locations of his week to different parts of the world.
I so appreciate your clear and concise reviews and I'm glad you enjoyed this character development piece. Hopefully, Michael and his devious plot will catch the eye of the committee.
Thanks, G,
~patty~
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I hope so. it is a real character study, but not at the expense of the story either. Good strong balance. Good Luck. G
Comment from nancy_e_davis
'Crime doesn't pay.' That is usually drummed into our heads at an early age. 'Cheaters never win,' another good saying, but there will always be those without the background needed to deter them from a life of crime. This is a good example of , no mater how smart you think you are, there is always someone smarter. Well done Patty. I didn't see anything that needed tweaked. Nancy
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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'Crime doesn't pay.' That is usually drummed into our heads at an early age. 'Cheaters never win,' another good saying, but there will always be those without the background needed to deter them from a life of crime. This is a good example of , no mater how smart you think you are, there is always someone smarter. Well done Patty. I didn't see anything that needed tweaked. Nancy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hi Nancy; thank you so much for your time to read this story. It is based on some truth as I was the person hired and found the fraud after my second month in my position. He went to prison and was ordered to repay the sum of money, but I'm not sure it really taught him anything.
~patty~
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
The auditors were coming for their semi-annual examination of the company books of the Doug's Four Ducks.
"Mike had been embezzling funds through a simple, but complicated scheme." This seems like a contradiction.
Michael was stealing from the company so it's no wonder he was so nervous but somehow he got away with it.
Well done, Patty,
Gypsy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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The auditors were coming for their semi-annual examination of the company books of the Doug's Four Ducks.
"Mike had been embezzling funds through a simple, but complicated scheme." This seems like a contradiction.
Michael was stealing from the company so it's no wonder he was so nervous but somehow he got away with it.
Well done, Patty,
Gypsy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hi Gypsy; thank you so much for reading this rather lengthy post. I did go in and edit the line about 'simple, but complicated.'
I appreciate your feedback. Have a wonderful day,
~patty~