Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 68 "part four, Chapter 20"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
70 total reviews
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, Barbara. I'm glad she is responding to people and is awake. I wanted to read more. Hopefully now they will leave her alone. This woman has been in hell and there has been no way out. The whole family she married into are crazy. The little bit that's here is well written. :o)
April
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Hi, Barbara. I'm glad she is responding to people and is awake. I wanted to read more. Hopefully now they will leave her alone. This woman has been in hell and there has been no way out. The whole family she married into are crazy. The little bit that's here is well written. :o)
April
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Lots of wonderful things about this chapter, barbara. Anna seems to have made it without significant brain injury so far - except for some amnesia which might be a blessing. And I love the continuing theme of the Indian blankets representing, for me, safety and a new start.
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Lots of wonderful things about this chapter, barbara. Anna seems to have made it without significant brain injury so far - except for some amnesia which might be a blessing. And I love the continuing theme of the Indian blankets representing, for me, safety and a new start.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and insight.
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You're welcome, barbara. xx Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Another good chapter, with
natural dialogue, Barbara.
Thank goodness Anna is becoming
more aware, albeit slow;y. Poor Troy
must be drained, both physically
and emotionally while sitting all
that time by the bed.
One small thing... re nurse - pushed Anna's bed from the room - THEN introduces herself to Anna.... Might I suggest, she introduces herself BEFORE pushing the bed... just seems right somehow. Perhaps saying... She then turned to Anna to introduce herself. 'Good morning.....
Well-penned, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Another good chapter, with
natural dialogue, Barbara.
Thank goodness Anna is becoming
more aware, albeit slow;y. Poor Troy
must be drained, both physically
and emotionally while sitting all
that time by the bed.
One small thing... re nurse - pushed Anna's bed from the room - THEN introduces herself to Anna.... Might I suggest, she introduces herself BEFORE pushing the bed... just seems right somehow. Perhaps saying... She then turned to Anna to introduce herself. 'Good morning.....
Well-penned, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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I wondered the same thing. I will take care of that. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from robina1978
Anna gets more and more aware of what goes on around her I think. You write all these chapters so well. You are such a capable writer, wished I had your skill.
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Anna gets more and more aware of what goes on around her I think. You write all these chapters so well. You are such a capable writer, wished I had your skill.
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from dmt1967
I liked your story it was well told on a subject most people don't like talking about it was written very well and it was a great story thank you
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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I liked your story it was well told on a subject most people don't like talking about it was written very well and it was a great story thank you
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
This is another good, well-written chapter... but something makes me wonder how necessary is all this dialogue and stuff.
I mean this has been going on for quite awhile and if you're trying to make this story move along, some of it will have to be cut eventually.
It's kinda like that old rule that tells us to cut a paragraph or two describing how a character gets up, walks across the room, looks out the window, lights a cigarette, scratches his face and then picks up his keys, puts them into his pocket, puts on his jacket and walks out the door, locks it, then descends the stairway, one step at a time. Sometimes it's better to just say, "he went out."
Good work. Hope this is helpful. Keep going...
cheers
js
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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This is another good, well-written chapter... but something makes me wonder how necessary is all this dialogue and stuff.
I mean this has been going on for quite awhile and if you're trying to make this story move along, some of it will have to be cut eventually.
It's kinda like that old rule that tells us to cut a paragraph or two describing how a character gets up, walks across the room, looks out the window, lights a cigarette, scratches his face and then picks up his keys, puts them into his pocket, puts on his jacket and walks out the door, locks it, then descends the stairway, one step at a time. Sometimes it's better to just say, "he went out."
Good work. Hope this is helpful. Keep going...
cheers
js
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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I need this and have gotten great reviews because a person doesn't wake up from a coma quickly and reviewers who have knowledge of this have praised me. Thank you.
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You want praise? Fine, you got praise. Personally, I prefer help perfecting my work, but that's just me. What do I know? I've only published 2 books and been given advances for 2 more. Good luck getting this one published. Sorry my advice wasn't more helpful.
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I right romance and the rules are a little different. I have a few people who I trust to give me an honest review. One of them worked in neurology for years, I feel he knows how somebody comes out of a coma. They come out of it very slowly. I wanted it to be realistic not fake. I could of had her come out in a paragraph, but it would be fake.
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I get your point, and sympathize with the dilemma. This all brings to mind a comment I heard once a long time ago from one of my favorite creative writing teachers. It stuck in my mind then and I think about it all the time to this day, many years later. Over the years, it's become one of my ''Golden Rules'' in writing.
Here it is, word for word.
''Veracity is not a valid justification for poor dramatic development.'
Just some food for thought there. As another of my mentors once told me, "Take what you need and leave the rest.''
Hope this is helpful.
cheers!
js
Comment from jjstar
I realize I'm a little late (okay,very late) coming into this story, but fully intent to go back and start from the beginning.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, I can almost guess why Anna is in the hospital and why Troy is hovering over, wondering how much he should tell her.
Your chapter flows so easily and the dialogue is not stilted, as many seem to be. You make it seem effortless.
I admire your talent and natural abilities. I probably will not get around to review each of your pieces, but know that I am a fan!
Sincerely,
Jessica
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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I realize I'm a little late (okay,very late) coming into this story, but fully intent to go back and start from the beginning.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, I can almost guess why Anna is in the hospital and why Troy is hovering over, wondering how much he should tell her.
Your chapter flows so easily and the dialogue is not stilted, as many seem to be. You make it seem effortless.
I admire your talent and natural abilities. I probably will not get around to review each of your pieces, but know that I am a fan!
Sincerely,
Jessica
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're very welcome
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow! there is improvement and hopefully full recovery with Anna. Another captivating piece of writing here Barbara. Well done indeed with this marvelous part chapter.
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Wow! there is improvement and hopefully full recovery with Anna. Another captivating piece of writing here Barbara. Well done indeed with this marvelous part chapter.
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, found no nits here, just a suggestion to this part:
"Yes sir, I did." She pushed Anna's bed from the room. "Good morning, I'm Sarah. I'll be with you until you return to your room. You'll be pretty busy for the next few hours. The doctor has quite a few tests he wants done."
I thought the nurse should greet Anna first before pushing her bed away, and try not to make her sound so cold and business like. Try:
"Yes sir, I did." She then smiled down at Anna. "Good morning, I'm Sarah. I'll be with you until you return to your room. You'll be pretty busy for the next few hours. The doctor has quite a few tests he wants done. Shall we go?" With another smile, she pushed Anna's bed out the room.
Also, I think it's time to move on to other scenes, unless you have more complications in store for Anna.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2012
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Hi Barb, found no nits here, just a suggestion to this part:
"Yes sir, I did." She pushed Anna's bed from the room. "Good morning, I'm Sarah. I'll be with you until you return to your room. You'll be pretty busy for the next few hours. The doctor has quite a few tests he wants done."
I thought the nurse should greet Anna first before pushing her bed away, and try not to make her sound so cold and business like. Try:
"Yes sir, I did." She then smiled down at Anna. "Good morning, I'm Sarah. I'll be with you until you return to your room. You'll be pretty busy for the next few hours. The doctor has quite a few tests he wants done. Shall we go?" With another smile, she pushed Anna's bed out the room.
Also, I think it's time to move on to other scenes, unless you have more complications in store for Anna.
Comment Written 29-May-2012
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2012
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I have made the change. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
barbara:
Sitting beside someone at the hospital is very, very
draining as I am sure you know. I've been amazed at
just how fatigued one can get just sitting around
doing nothing.
I love the picture of the Indian Blankets. I can only
imagine what a room full of those would look like.
thanks for sharing another great chapter
love,
jan
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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barbara:
Sitting beside someone at the hospital is very, very
draining as I am sure you know. I've been amazed at
just how fatigued one can get just sitting around
doing nothing.
I love the picture of the Indian Blankets. I can only
imagine what a room full of those would look like.
thanks for sharing another great chapter
love,
jan
Comment Written 28-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.