A Painted Face
a final show55 total reviews
Comment from inside echo
This is a very sad poem. I hope this isn't speaking about wishing this for yourself. It almost reads like a suicide note. It is well written with great rhyme and flow. The message it sends is clear, sadly clear. Thank you for sharing. Good luck in your contest
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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This is a very sad poem. I hope this isn't speaking about wishing this for yourself. It almost reads like a suicide note. It is well written with great rhyme and flow. The message it sends is clear, sadly clear. Thank you for sharing. Good luck in your contest
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Hi there, this is not biographical but it is 'real' based on my work over the last few years, sadly. I appreciate the review and your thoughts.
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I am sorry it is real for you. You are welcome.
echo
Comment from stephybs
This is a very sad piece and make me want to cry. I can feel the sadness and the lonely emotion these words have produced. Very expressive!
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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This is a very sad piece and make me want to cry. I can feel the sadness and the lonely emotion these words have produced. Very expressive!
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Many thanks for sharing your honest response to the piece. It is very much appreciated.
Comment from flamingstar
Ahh! A dreary read so early in the morning! Your rhythm is off in lines 8 and 12 which threw me off into the bushes as I was bouncing along. Also, I was a bit confused by the fact that in S1 you seem to be making an observation about someone else's sad affect, but then in S2L3 it suddenly changes to "I" and apparently becomes your story. I'm sure that was your intent, but IMO in such a short poem it would be better to keep it "personal" in all three stanzas.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Ahh! A dreary read so early in the morning! Your rhythm is off in lines 8 and 12 which threw me off into the bushes as I was bouncing along. Also, I was a bit confused by the fact that in S1 you seem to be making an observation about someone else's sad affect, but then in S2L3 it suddenly changes to "I" and apparently becomes your story. I'm sure that was your intent, but IMO in such a short poem it would be better to keep it "personal" in all three stanzas.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Hi there, thank you very much for the observations on the piece. The first stanza is also in the first person, personal narrative. The observation made is of themselves, a disconnected view all be it, as if staring in a mirror.
In what way is the rhythm off in the lines you mention, so I can look at it more closely? Much appreciated.
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okay, look at the difference in emphasis between lines 7 and 8 because you have to place some artificial emphasis on 8 to make it rhyme with 7:
i SIT aLONE, aWAIT my FATE (fine)
knowING all THE while, IT'S too LATE. (have to stress this way to maintain rhythm which sounds forced)
If you read that line in normal conversation it might sound like:
KNOWing all the WHILE, it's TOO late...
Can you hear the difference??
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My wife hears it. I don't talk like that because of my heavy accent! lol
Many thanks for the clarification - it is very useful. Much appreciated
Comment from Glasstruth
Life is a show, or as Shakespeare wrote, "A stage, and we're just mere actors" Sound like where romance has failed and the sadness and rejection creeps in. The last line is a great closer. Well crafted. Les
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Life is a show, or as Shakespeare wrote, "A stage, and we're just mere actors" Sound like where romance has failed and the sadness and rejection creeps in. The last line is a great closer. Well crafted. Les
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Many thanks for this great, Les. It means a lot coming from you. It is very much appreciated.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this poem about seeking the end to a painful life, great imagery presented. good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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this is an excellent write, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this poem about seeking the end to a painful life, great imagery presented. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Many thanks for the great response to this piece. Much appreciated
Comment from mfowler
All the way through your melancholy poem I wondered when you would link to the prompt. Well, you did and at the last minute in such a clever way. The show becomes metaphor for existence, and the voice, the sad decrier of a life seen as nearly over. This is a sensitive and original piece with an excellent chance in this competition. Best of luck.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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All the way through your melancholy poem I wondered when you would link to the prompt. Well, you did and at the last minute in such a clever way. The show becomes metaphor for existence, and the voice, the sad decrier of a life seen as nearly over. This is a sensitive and original piece with an excellent chance in this competition. Best of luck.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Many thanks for your very thoughtful and insightful review, Mark. Alas I have known too many young people on the brink of this, as well as many older ones. Much appreciated, as always.
Comment from Chrissy710
This is a sad but lovely poem and I like your take on the brief 'the show must go on'. I'm sure there would be many who you describe who would agree with you. good work Cheers Christine
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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This is a sad but lovely poem and I like your take on the brief 'the show must go on'. I'm sure there would be many who you describe who would agree with you. good work Cheers Christine
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Hi Chrissy, many thanks for your thoughts on this piece. I have known quite a few at this point. thankfully most of them are still in the show. Much appreciated.
Comment from songecho
I am not familiar with poetry. What you have done is describe your attitude with a method which is profound to me, however.
( It bad news; it's sad news. I'm not meant to live alone. All by myself; don't want to live all by myself anymore. )
( Don't make a grown man cry. Whenever i saw sunshine she could only see the rain.)
The damage is done so i guess i'll be leaving.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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I am not familiar with poetry. What you have done is describe your attitude with a method which is profound to me, however.
( It bad news; it's sad news. I'm not meant to live alone. All by myself; don't want to live all by myself anymore. )
( Don't make a grown man cry. Whenever i saw sunshine she could only see the rain.)
The damage is done so i guess i'll be leaving.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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I am very sorry but could you please elaborate on your review. I don't understand it at all, nor the reason for the rating.
generally in a review, the reviewer should try to be constructive or at least give an explanation to the rating. you really appear to have done neither. Some clarification would be appreciated.
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Poetry is a difficult project to write. I can't do it.
It is my believe, unfortunately to many, that there is a song lyric to describe any situation.
Now what was i doing? I will do anything just to see you.
Did you ever fall in love? Am i too blind to see?
Making me feel painless, this relationship is so dangerous. Take a day to make up.
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This still doesn't help in any way. The review should be about what is written, not about the reviewer. If you have nothing constructive or encouraging to offer then you should stop reviewing. The review makes no sense
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You came along and made my heart sing. I like your style, it's driving me wild with the things you do.
I'm going to offer a suggestion. ( Love's got me doing things i thought I never would do. )
People who write seriously might consider understanding the following terms:
Metaphor. You want to trust her.
Mixed metaphor You've got to look for lies.
Allegory: Just say that you need me.
Simile Go on and fool me.
Parable Nobody but you and me;
we've got it together.
Paradox You're my first; my last; my
everything.
I see so many ways that i can love you; you're my reality.
It's 103 between her and me, and it's only 92 in Daytona. I can't get enough.
He walks with a purpose.
I've changing my mind. ( An American dream; sometimes I thank GOD for unanswered prayers.
You can do this if you try.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
A sad poem expressing a reluctance to go on. But we do until the end. Good rhyming couplets. Without love of some kind it is hard to go on but many do. Thoughtful and well written poem. Good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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A sad poem expressing a reluctance to go on. But we do until the end. Good rhyming couplets. Without love of some kind it is hard to go on but many do. Thoughtful and well written poem. Good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Many thanks for your thoughtful response to this piece.
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem could be seen as a 911 moment as a person deals with depression the sameness and stagnation of posing. The appearance of happiness is often draining.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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This poem could be seen as a 911 moment as a person deals with depression the sameness and stagnation of posing. The appearance of happiness is often draining.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Many thanks for the thoughtful response to this one. it is very much appreciated.