Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Fleeting Memories"A book of Poetry & Writing
58 total reviews
Comment from Oatmeal
deepwater,
Well chosen words are expressive. The theme is strong. Your arrangement looks very nice. The flow is smooth.
I did locate one small oversight. Nothing to worry about at all. It will be a quick fix.
(Father time) was forgiving as we floated into space,
**Father Time
Everything else looks great.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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deepwater,
Well chosen words are expressive. The theme is strong. Your arrangement looks very nice. The flow is smooth.
I did locate one small oversight. Nothing to worry about at all. It will be a quick fix.
(Father time) was forgiving as we floated into space,
**Father Time
Everything else looks great.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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thanks
Comment from Dom G Robles
This is a good poem, I think, which needs some kind of adjustments. It has potential for being superb when some of the lines are rephrased. The problem here, I think, is that some of the lines are not very smooth or straight. The flow is interrupted by distracting and disrupting images. For instance, the first sentence, the writer says, "As I awake this morning, a new day of my life, so with fleeting memories of this woman so warm by my side, she lays there sleeping, angel so in peace... This whole sentence has excellent imagery and can be more enriched with a recast of the entire sentence. Let's examine. The first line up to morning is very expressive...a new day of my life is a clause describing "As I awake this morning...there is here, a discontinuity of thought...If I were to rephrase it, it would be something like this: As I awake this morning, fleeting memories of a woman--so warm by my side--laying there--sleeping--this angel in peace...The point I am saying here is the continuity of the image...This is but one example of the entire that I was trying to portray. I believe the writer could have a literary piece that is superb--a poem rich in imagery and expression. Added with this, I think, the author can put some more figures of speech in some of the lines. But I like best the line in which he/she said: "Father time was forgiving as we floated into space..." (personification of time... Congratulations.
father time... and the use of the word "floated" in space are superb (I think, this line deserves a six or more) Congratulations. Don't blame me, blame the rules of the game where we are to provide (help) from our point of view. Thank you.
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reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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This is a good poem, I think, which needs some kind of adjustments. It has potential for being superb when some of the lines are rephrased. The problem here, I think, is that some of the lines are not very smooth or straight. The flow is interrupted by distracting and disrupting images. For instance, the first sentence, the writer says, "As I awake this morning, a new day of my life, so with fleeting memories of this woman so warm by my side, she lays there sleeping, angel so in peace... This whole sentence has excellent imagery and can be more enriched with a recast of the entire sentence. Let's examine. The first line up to morning is very expressive...a new day of my life is a clause describing "As I awake this morning...there is here, a discontinuity of thought...If I were to rephrase it, it would be something like this: As I awake this morning, fleeting memories of a woman--so warm by my side--laying there--sleeping--this angel in peace...The point I am saying here is the continuity of the image...This is but one example of the entire that I was trying to portray. I believe the writer could have a literary piece that is superb--a poem rich in imagery and expression. Added with this, I think, the author can put some more figures of speech in some of the lines. But I like best the line in which he/she said: "Father time was forgiving as we floated into space..." (personification of time... Congratulations.
father time... and the use of the word "floated" in space are superb (I think, this line deserves a six or more) Congratulations. Don't blame me, blame the rules of the game where we are to provide (help) from our point of view. Thank you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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thanks for your comments Dom
Comment from amada
Hi cowboy, I like your writing. Very passionate, loving and infinite. A truly and special love poem. Your images are very sincere and simple, the best kind.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Hi cowboy, I like your writing. Very passionate, loving and infinite. A truly and special love poem. Your images are very sincere and simple, the best kind.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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thank you amada
Comment from Ann Smith
I like the image of the woman by your side and the kiss's of perfection. You are right about the fact that we do need to reflect on each moment. I especially like the last line, memories of perfection from the wonders of last night. We all should be so lucky. Welcome to fanstory. I joined in Jan. and have learned so much. ann
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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I like the image of the woman by your side and the kiss's of perfection. You are right about the fact that we do need to reflect on each moment. I especially like the last line, memories of perfection from the wonders of last night. We all should be so lucky. Welcome to fanstory. I joined in Jan. and have learned so much. ann
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thanks Ann i joined last week
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I hope you are enjoying the site, but it can become addictive. ann
Comment from irishauthorme
I knew that there wqas something really different about you when I read your great poem, the expression, the flow, and the memory recall are all unique.
And then I look you up, and see that you were born an Englishman, and that you are now a Texas cowboy!
Well, I was raised a Nevada cowboy, became a prison guard because ranchwork does not pay so good, and am now retired.
Enjoyed your poem, keep writing!
irish
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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I knew that there wqas something really different about you when I read your great poem, the expression, the flow, and the memory recall are all unique.
And then I look you up, and see that you were born an Englishman, and that you are now a Texas cowboy!
Well, I was raised a Nevada cowboy, became a prison guard because ranchwork does not pay so good, and am now retired.
Enjoyed your poem, keep writing!
irish
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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thanks irish
Comment from Pili Pubul
Excellent poem, you created deep and meaningful images of a lover in a fantastic style. Thank you for sharing.
So reflect on the moment's that came into your life
Memories of perfection from the wonders of last night,
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Excellent poem, you created deep and meaningful images of a lover in a fantastic style. Thank you for sharing.
So reflect on the moment's that came into your life
Memories of perfection from the wonders of last night,
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from jwlee211
Excellent poem. A great tribute to a lover. Your well crafted words help the reader to understand your passion. Gives them a chance to experience their passion
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Excellent poem. A great tribute to a lover. Your well crafted words help the reader to understand your passion. Gives them a chance to experience their passion
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from Donna Thompson
The passion of last evening, our souls we did release,
Her kiss's of perfection, reflected of red wine,
All boundaries removed, as our bodies intertwined,
very nicely done with great description and depth.. well done
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
|
The passion of last evening, our souls we did release,
Her kiss's of perfection, reflected of red wine,
All boundaries removed, as our bodies intertwined,
very nicely done with great description and depth.. well done
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you