Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Part 4 Chapter 5"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
78 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thnks for letting me know you fixed spg
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi my friend-
This has good pacing and dialog.
I cannot comment on character and plot development, since I've not read previous chapters, but by intuition I felt the character development might okay because I could feel a clear sense of them from the dialog which is also well paced and true to life with good application of action tags.
*In the den, Paul greeted Everett with a handshake,(I think no comma is required) as Betty called them to breakfast.
*
When he returned, his dad continued, "Who knew there would be money in making sure buildings don't collapse."
Suggestion-Best to use he said and she said rather than alternative words like' continued'
*
Troy grinned. "A civil engineer who specializes in structural damage." He left with more dishes and returned.(ADD missing lie break)
"I sent an engineering team to Stonewall County
My only other suggestion to improve this chapter is to use more descriptive narrative, as it leans a bit too heavily on DIALOG.
Overall a good chapter.
w
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Second review
Thnks for letting me know you fixed spg
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi my friend-
This has good pacing and dialog.
I cannot comment on character and plot development, since I've not read previous chapters, but by intuition I felt the character development might okay because I could feel a clear sense of them from the dialog which is also well paced and true to life with good application of action tags.
*In the den, Paul greeted Everett with a handshake,(I think no comma is required) as Betty called them to breakfast.
*
When he returned, his dad continued, "Who knew there would be money in making sure buildings don't collapse."
Suggestion-Best to use he said and she said rather than alternative words like' continued'
*
Troy grinned. "A civil engineer who specializes in structural damage." He left with more dishes and returned.(ADD missing lie break)
"I sent an engineering team to Stonewall County
My only other suggestion to improve this chapter is to use more descriptive narrative, as it leans a bit too heavily on DIALOG.
Overall a good chapter.
w
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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I have made the corrections, except for taking out dialogue. I am willing to wait and see what a publisher says about my dialogue. Thank you for your kind review.
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HI dear B
Thanks for letting me know you fixed spag. Will upgrade. Love, rd
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Thank you for the upgrade. I appreciate it.
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Most welcome, dear.
Comment from Tellis
Another well written and very interesting chapter and I hope they find her before her husband does. Great stuff and no spags noticed.
Tellis
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Another well written and very interesting chapter and I hope they find her before her husband does. Great stuff and no spags noticed.
Tellis
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Chris Tee
Dear Barbara,
This is a beautiful story and you paint the characters and events so clearly.
I actually look forward to this story's postings.
Another well written part here girl.
It was an excellent and pleasurable read.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Dear Barbara,
This is a beautiful story and you paint the characters and events so clearly.
I actually look forward to this story's postings.
Another well written part here girl.
It was an excellent and pleasurable read.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from PrincessinPurple
This chapter is good. I do not see any correction that need to be made. I like how Troy care for Anna and Michael. I hoe everything works out at the end.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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This chapter is good. I do not see any correction that need to be made. I like how Troy care for Anna and Michael. I hoe everything works out at the end.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Debasish Datta
The flow is smooth and continuous from the previous piece. There is an air of purposiveness and progress carrying forward to the storyline capably, holding the reader's interest and attention. The gnawing concern, suspense and strain in Troy's mind comes through effectively while he attempts to conform with the niceties and requirements of daily life.
The length permitted for each piece should be increased (this is for the site administrators) to enable both reader and writer to have the satisfaction of wellroundedness to each write.
Thanks. Debasish
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
|
The flow is smooth and continuous from the previous piece. There is an air of purposiveness and progress carrying forward to the storyline capably, holding the reader's interest and attention. The gnawing concern, suspense and strain in Troy's mind comes through effectively while he attempts to conform with the niceties and requirements of daily life.
The length permitted for each piece should be increased (this is for the site administrators) to enable both reader and writer to have the satisfaction of wellroundedness to each write.
Thanks. Debasish
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from The Stranger
well this particular passage sort of passes without incident, just a sort of clearing the air piece, but that is good, there needs to be passages that allow the reader to be able to relax and reflect
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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well this particular passage sort of passes without incident, just a sort of clearing the air piece, but that is good, there needs to be passages that allow the reader to be able to relax and reflect
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This is very cleverly written Barbara and I enjoyed reading it. Is this a true story or fiction? It is very well thought out. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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This is very cleverly written Barbara and I enjoyed reading it. Is this a true story or fiction? It is very well thought out. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from fionageorge
Barbara, I have been away for several weeks, but am pleased I caught this chapter of your book. I was able to pick up on the story-line again, and as always, admire you for the manner in which you use dialogue to advance you stories, and to reinforce your characters' personalities. This chapter is well written, the dialogue is excellent. Thanks for sharing and warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Barbara, I have been away for several weeks, but am pleased I caught this chapter of your book. I was able to pick up on the story-line again, and as always, admire you for the manner in which you use dialogue to advance you stories, and to reinforce your characters' personalities. This chapter is well written, the dialogue is excellent. Thanks for sharing and warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 21-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for the kind review. Glad you are back.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an exceptional chapter even if it's a bridge. You do an excellent job of shaping dialogue to reflect their thoughts that they do not want to express directly. I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Barbara,
This is an exceptional chapter even if it's a bridge. You do an excellent job of shaping dialogue to reflect their thoughts that they do not want to express directly. I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
Comment Written 20-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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I appreciate your kind review, constant support, and the encouragment you give me.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Nice follow-up, Barbara. The exchange between Paul,Troy, and Betty flowed well and holds the attention of the reader. Fine job on this.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Nice follow-up, Barbara. The exchange between Paul,Troy, and Betty flowed well and holds the attention of the reader. Fine job on this.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.