Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 66 "Anna's in a coma."Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
81 total reviews
Comment from Auroraboreal800
What a sad and dramatic chapter. I liked the realistic dialogue. Things look favorable for Anna's coming out of her coma, I hope she can make it! Love the beautiful artwork.
GREAT JOB!!
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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What a sad and dramatic chapter. I liked the realistic dialogue. Things look favorable for Anna's coming out of her coma, I hope she can make it! Love the beautiful artwork.
GREAT JOB!!
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow! Barbara this is an excellent chapter and the suspense is absolutely on high alert here . I enjoyed this read just like all the others, Well done with this excellent write!
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Wow! Barbara this is an excellent chapter and the suspense is absolutely on high alert here . I enjoyed this read just like all the others, Well done with this excellent write!
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from purrfect tale
I guess if she's waking up then we're getting close to the end. I'll miss reading about these characters.
Troy helped put Michael beside his mother. - then 3 sentences later - With the nurse's assistance, Michael was placed beside Anna.
How could the nurse help put Michael beside his mother if Troy had already done it?
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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I guess if she's waking up then we're getting close to the end. I'll miss reading about these characters.
Troy helped put Michael beside his mother. - then 3 sentences later - With the nurse's assistance, Michael was placed beside Anna.
How could the nurse help put Michael beside his mother if Troy had already done it?
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Good question, I will redo that area. Thank you for your eagle eyes.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, a touching chapter of a child trying to reach out to his mother. Looks like he's succeeded. I have some suggestions on how some parts which appeared choppy, or those that can be better constructed. Of course they are only suggestions:
The women's eyes immediately darted to Anna's unconscious[,] bruised body lying in bed.
Michael [turned his head toward] the bed and cried, "Mama, Mama, Mama!" His arms flung out toward his mother.
- nothing wrong here, but after reading thru to the end, I found you have many of the same phrases - turned head/toward. Try to vary the description. Also the phrase 'Michael turned his head' is quite odd. Where was he looking before it? I'm sure he'd look at the bed too, like the rest of them. How about:
Seeing Anna on the bed, Michael cried, "Mama, Mama, Mama!" He struggled in Betty's arms, his own flung out to reach his mother. - I use 'struggled' as in the next sentence Betty almost dropped him.
Michael's cries became louder as [he left the room]. "Mama, Mama...," could be heard through the door. - this sounds like he did that by himself.
Michael's cries became louder as he was taken out of the room. "Mama, Mama..." His voice pierced through the door.
Paul leaned against the door. "I'm afraid Anna isn't going to heal overnight." He paused, [turned his head], and studied Anna. - don't think that's necessary.
"Anna, can you hear me?" Troy held her hand [as he->and] said, "Dad, tell Margaret to bring Michael back."
- when I put like that, it means delete 'as he' and replace with 'and'.
Margaret brought Michael [and stood beside] Anna's bed. The child [leaned from] Margaret's arms and reached for his mom. "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama!" [came from the baby's mouth]. - not needed.
Margaret brought Michael to Anna's bed. The child leaned away from Margaret's arms and reached for his mom. "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama!"
Again, her eyes opened then quickly closed. - is she able to close it 'quickly'? Try 'then drifted close'. also there are many instances of Anna opened/closed her eyes. try to describe them in different ways.
Betty took Michael's small hand and [moved it so it touched->placed it on] Anna's.
"Maybe touching him and you will help." - this speech sounds odd to me. Sound like Anna's touching Michael and Troy will help? But she can't touch them, right? How about:
"Maybe feeling his touch and yours will help."
[He turned toward the door]. "Sorry." - He started to leave.
Anna's eyes opened slowly and she turned [her head] toward her son. [Her eyes closed.]
Anna's eyes opened slowly and she turned toward her son. After a moment her eyes closed again?
Hope those help in any way.
reply by the author on 20-May-2012
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Hi Barb, a touching chapter of a child trying to reach out to his mother. Looks like he's succeeded. I have some suggestions on how some parts which appeared choppy, or those that can be better constructed. Of course they are only suggestions:
The women's eyes immediately darted to Anna's unconscious[,] bruised body lying in bed.
Michael [turned his head toward] the bed and cried, "Mama, Mama, Mama!" His arms flung out toward his mother.
- nothing wrong here, but after reading thru to the end, I found you have many of the same phrases - turned head/toward. Try to vary the description. Also the phrase 'Michael turned his head' is quite odd. Where was he looking before it? I'm sure he'd look at the bed too, like the rest of them. How about:
Seeing Anna on the bed, Michael cried, "Mama, Mama, Mama!" He struggled in Betty's arms, his own flung out to reach his mother. - I use 'struggled' as in the next sentence Betty almost dropped him.
Michael's cries became louder as [he left the room]. "Mama, Mama...," could be heard through the door. - this sounds like he did that by himself.
Michael's cries became louder as he was taken out of the room. "Mama, Mama..." His voice pierced through the door.
Paul leaned against the door. "I'm afraid Anna isn't going to heal overnight." He paused, [turned his head], and studied Anna. - don't think that's necessary.
"Anna, can you hear me?" Troy held her hand [as he->and] said, "Dad, tell Margaret to bring Michael back."
- when I put like that, it means delete 'as he' and replace with 'and'.
Margaret brought Michael [and stood beside] Anna's bed. The child [leaned from] Margaret's arms and reached for his mom. "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama!" [came from the baby's mouth]. - not needed.
Margaret brought Michael to Anna's bed. The child leaned away from Margaret's arms and reached for his mom. "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama!"
Again, her eyes opened then quickly closed. - is she able to close it 'quickly'? Try 'then drifted close'. also there are many instances of Anna opened/closed her eyes. try to describe them in different ways.
Betty took Michael's small hand and [moved it so it touched->placed it on] Anna's.
"Maybe touching him and you will help." - this speech sounds odd to me. Sound like Anna's touching Michael and Troy will help? But she can't touch them, right? How about:
"Maybe feeling his touch and yours will help."
[He turned toward the door]. "Sorry." - He started to leave.
Anna's eyes opened slowly and she turned [her head] toward her son. [Her eyes closed.]
Anna's eyes opened slowly and she turned toward her son. After a moment her eyes closed again?
Hope those help in any way.
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 20-May-2012
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Sorry for the tardiness of my reply. I wanted to wait until I had time to make changes.
Comment from rheabug
I am in tears with this chapter. The child mother relationship can be very strong even in times of a coma. It takes time though. I know because I was in a coma in 2009. It took me almost a year to come back all the way. Good job! Linda
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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I am in tears with this chapter. The child mother relationship can be very strong even in times of a coma. It takes time though. I know because I was in a coma in 2009. It took me almost a year to come back all the way. Good job! Linda
Comment Written 13-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Thank you for your kind review and insight.
Comment from AprilShower
Her love for her little son is very strong. This almost brought tears to my eyes, Barbara. Hopefully she will recover. I am wondering if tears came into your eyes as you wrote this. This is well written, Barbara.
April
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Her love for her little son is very strong. This almost brought tears to my eyes, Barbara. Hopefully she will recover. I am wondering if tears came into your eyes as you wrote this. This is well written, Barbara.
April
Comment Written 13-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Yes, I had tears. Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome. :o)
Comment from barkingdog
This is a very uplifting chapter, moving along at a rapid pace. The feeling of excitement when the child's cries seem to wake Anna intensifies until finally she speaks his name.
Very good dialogue essential in building up to your drama point.
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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This is a very uplifting chapter, moving along at a rapid pace. The feeling of excitement when the child's cries seem to wake Anna intensifies until finally she speaks his name.
Very good dialogue essential in building up to your drama point.
Comment Written 13-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from writerwish
Glad I didn't miss too much. Anna sure is a fighter. I know things like this happen but your story makes it so real and disheartening. One thing unclear:
"Maybe touching him and you will help."
Maybe I missed something??
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Glad I didn't miss too much. Anna sure is a fighter. I know things like this happen but your story makes it so real and disheartening. One thing unclear:
"Maybe touching him and you will help."
Maybe I missed something??
Comment Written 13-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Touching Michael and Troy might help. Anna and Troy are close. Thank you for the kind review and support.
Comment from RebelRose
Never underestimate the connection between mother and child. This is a very good chapter filled with drama and hope for the readers azs we oull for Anna's recovery.
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Never underestimate the connection between mother and child. This is a very good chapter filled with drama and hope for the readers azs we oull for Anna's recovery.
Comment Written 13-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This excellent chapter shows Anna fighting to overcome her coma so she can tend to her baby son. I enjoyed this read and found nothing to criticize. You may remember that severely battered people often do not remember what happened to them.
Sorry to hear about your old cat. She really sounds like a diva, and she certainly won't want to play with the kittens.
Dave
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Barbara,
This excellent chapter shows Anna fighting to overcome her coma so she can tend to her baby son. I enjoyed this read and found nothing to criticize. You may remember that severely battered people often do not remember what happened to them.
Sorry to hear about your old cat. She really sounds like a diva, and she certainly won't want to play with the kittens.
Dave
Comment Written 13-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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She is a Diva and won't lower herself to even look at the kittens. Thank you for the kind review.