Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Part three Chapter two"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
82 total reviews
Comment from sunnilicious
Super short chapter. I'm glad every chapter is not violent and sexual. And still, I can't stop reading. Troy is living in an emotional vortex from childhood. And Anna's on the verge of cheating and stuck. This story can only get better. Maybe even psycho-sexual. All the best! - Alicia
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Super short chapter. I'm glad every chapter is not violent and sexual. And still, I can't stop reading. Troy is living in an emotional vortex from childhood. And Anna's on the verge of cheating and stuck. This story can only get better. Maybe even psycho-sexual. All the best! - Alicia
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and the encouragement. I am not sure why you gave me four stars. I am not sure what to improve to get five.
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4-stars due to length... 8-10 pages is the norm for a chapter, unless it's an epilogue or last chapter. Good work.
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All the years I have been on FS, I have never heard that rule or received four stars for that reason!!!!! I don't post by chapters, because my chapters in the novels run 15 - 20 pages. I break them up at appropriate places. It is a post, not a chapter. I will remember that from now on.
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Those are rules I learned writing my masters dissertation, which is also true for writing a novel. Don't be upset. I promise never to think in that manner on FanStory again. Happy Sunday.
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You are correct for writing a novel, but people rarely post entire chapters on FS because they are too long and won't be read and you won't get many reviews and therefore no help.
Comment from MS Writer
Yes, this story is a reality in many women's lives. I believe that your portrayal of Anna is what these women go through. You keep the reader's interest because it is a well written story. Anxious for the next chapter.
Glad to hear that radiation is not as bad as chemo.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Yes, this story is a reality in many women's lives. I believe that your portrayal of Anna is what these women go through. You keep the reader's interest because it is a well written story. Anxious for the next chapter.
Glad to hear that radiation is not as bad as chemo.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words/
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
this novel just gets better and better. I see what you mean about adding to the last chapter. It's a powerful scene but it would stronger still with the previous action to lead us up to it. Brilliant hook to end on. suspenseful drama and I really like the hook you threw in with troy's mother. good way of giving him dimension without having to go into a backstory. A good tip learned there x
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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this novel just gets better and better. I see what you mean about adding to the last chapter. It's a powerful scene but it would stronger still with the previous action to lead us up to it. Brilliant hook to end on. suspenseful drama and I really like the hook you threw in with troy's mother. good way of giving him dimension without having to go into a backstory. A good tip learned there x
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and I appreciate your encouraging words.
Comment from SWANNY
A couple of small suggestions:
He heard Anna's voice,(period) "We don't need anything."
"Anna, it's Troy." He pushed the door open a little. "I was worried. Damn! Did Bobby do this to you?" He touched her black and blue cheek. "Why didn't you call?" He brushed hair away from her swollen-shut eye.
(Again, I think you can do more with this. Perhaps between "I was worried" and "Damn! Did Bobby do this to you?" you could give more detail of his reaction. Maybe have him notice her face (describe it) and have him gasp or react to it some way before he continues talking)
Overall, pretty good. In general, maybe look for more opportunities to throw in some details, some reactions/actions, internal thoughts, etc.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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A couple of small suggestions:
He heard Anna's voice,(period) "We don't need anything."
"Anna, it's Troy." He pushed the door open a little. "I was worried. Damn! Did Bobby do this to you?" He touched her black and blue cheek. "Why didn't you call?" He brushed hair away from her swollen-shut eye.
(Again, I think you can do more with this. Perhaps between "I was worried" and "Damn! Did Bobby do this to you?" you could give more detail of his reaction. Maybe have him notice her face (describe it) and have him gasp or react to it some way before he continues talking)
Overall, pretty good. In general, maybe look for more opportunities to throw in some details, some reactions/actions, internal thoughts, etc.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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I don't like to through in too many descriptions. I don't like to read overly descriptive work. I like to use my imagination. I want that paragraph to move quick. If I add descriptions it slows it down. It must move quick because Bobby is on the warpath, they only have seconds. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Posting length does present problems. All by itself this is a powerful chapter. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. In no way have you cheapened or downplayed anything. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Posting length does present problems. All by itself this is a powerful chapter. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. In no way have you cheapened or downplayed anything. :) Nancy
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and words.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Barbara,
Even though short this is a stunning chapter. I do hope Troy can save her from Bobby, monster that he is. I know she is too scared of Bobby to try to escape and then I suppose she doesn't know where she would escape to. I'll hold my breath until you post another chapter. Glad the radiation is going okay. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Hi Barbara,
Even though short this is a stunning chapter. I do hope Troy can save her from Bobby, monster that he is. I know she is too scared of Bobby to try to escape and then I suppose she doesn't know where she would escape to. I'll hold my breath until you post another chapter. Glad the radiation is going okay. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your blessing. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from mumsyone
This is another good chapter, well written and well edited. Glad to hear you are doing okay with the radiation treatments.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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This is another good chapter, well written and well edited. Glad to hear you are doing okay with the radiation treatments.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and well wishes.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Good writing and the story is really moving along at an interesting and crisp pace. One item to point out. You wrote: "That's in the area of town I thought is was" Change "is" to "it."
billy
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Good writing and the story is really moving along at an interesting and crisp pace. One item to point out. You wrote: "That's in the area of town I thought is was" Change "is" to "it."
billy
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for catching that. The other reviewers had not. I will make the change.
Comment from Gungalo
Awesome, so glad he took the initiative to go find her. There will be a fiasco now but hopefully it will end up with her husband in jail and her safely away. It's a great write and it did indeed belong by itself. Your were right about that!!
Anyone who knows your writing knows the is serious stuff Matters not if you mark it as fiction as I guess would be the only rightful category for it is is not autobiographical!!!
Well done you!!! I look forward to your next chapter!
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Awesome, so glad he took the initiative to go find her. There will be a fiasco now but hopefully it will end up with her husband in jail and her safely away. It's a great write and it did indeed belong by itself. Your were right about that!!
Anyone who knows your writing knows the is serious stuff Matters not if you mark it as fiction as I guess would be the only rightful category for it is is not autobiographical!!!
Well done you!!! I look forward to your next chapter!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and words. I appreciate both of them.
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My pleasure!! I appreciate your writing girl!!
Comment from amahra
That's not fair to leave us right there on the porch while this poor woman is being hurt. I hope he breaks the door down and saves her and the kid in time. I don't see why you couldn't have included this chapter though.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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That's not fair to leave us right there on the porch while this poor woman is being hurt. I hope he breaks the door down and saves her and the kid in time. I don't see why you couldn't have included this chapter though.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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I felt the previous chapter would have been too long if I added these few words. It would have been over 2,000 words. I don't like posting that many words. This is the official end of chapter 2. Next week I'll begin chapter 3. Thank you for your kind review.