Comment from size17

Excellent

My life was a heap of shit on a runaway train, and the tracks ahead were broken.

At this point in the story I was very much into the story. At first I thought all the string descriptions would detract from the action. I generally prefer to jump right in. I'm very glad you did not . The opener uses many senses to achieve a setting that is crucial to the story. Not only that, the way things are described tells us about the narrator too. Then when you get to the section I mention the train becomes a metaphor and is very effective.

When that first sequence was over and it was just a dream I thought oh no it's going to be one of THOSE pieces where the story is only a dream. But you turned into a hell and it was horrific - and that's a good thing.

The only thing I have to critique is the other passenger. His only role in the story is similar to the parked car just a part of the scenery. I wanted more from him.

It's a visceral tale and tough to get through but it's well written. One last question any symbolic meaning in the numbers you used?

 Comment Written 09-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012

Ah, somebody that really takes notice! Thanks so much for taking the time to really think about things and give solid feedback.

I also hate those 'just a dream' outcomes, which is why I wanted to turn it on its head, almost have him wishing for the cliche. I did want to make more of the other passenger, and still might. I also wanted to explore the reactions of others on the train more, but the length was getting away from me. This often happens with my short stories; I get progressively more ideas in my head while I'm writing, and end up either turning them into a novella or savagely cutting elements in the hope of using them later in something else.

The thug names started as a creepily anonymous naming system that, in my mind, denoted their ranks amongst themselves. I let it sit in the back of my mind in case an opportunity appeared to turn it into something more, but nothing cropped up. Damn, that steals some of the mistique!

Thanks so much for the review - very much appreciated.

Mike

Comment from Artasylum

Excellent

sometimes there is karma and bullies no longer have power... I say yes... good read and better ending couldn't deserve it more... thanks again and looking forward. yours, diana

 Comment Written 09-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012

Thank you, Diana. This was difficult to write, but I needed it to be harsh. So glad you liked it.

Mike

Comment from Galactia

Excellent

great story. poor guy can never win no matter the situation. Such as life. after been stabbed in the back, would of been nice for a fair go policy. lol

Great story
Regards
Tia
5 stars from me :)

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 Comment Written 09-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012

Thank you, Tia. This one took a lot out of me - glad you liked the result :-).

Mike