Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 70 "part one, Chapter 21"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
75 total reviews
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Barbara,
It is difficult to imagine the fear Anna feels unless it happened to me, which thank heavens it didn't. You have done a remarkable job in writing this chapter. Remembering what happened to her is going to be so painful. You have done a fine job in telling the emotions Anna is feeling. I hope she finds a way to deal with the trauma of what happened to her. Well done....blessings, chey
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
  |
Hi Barbara,
It is difficult to imagine the fear Anna feels unless it happened to me, which thank heavens it didn't. You have done a remarkable job in writing this chapter. Remembering what happened to her is going to be so painful. You have done a fine job in telling the emotions Anna is feeling. I hope she finds a way to deal with the trauma of what happened to her. Well done....blessings, chey
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from visionary1234
You are right - for a first timer there is some confusion Barbara. But from what I CAN understand/ read ... you write with a GREAT flow (I doubt you find this surprising) and I really like your buildup of dramatic tension thru dialogue and quick, to-the-point description - so your "craft" is not obvious - the best kind! Well done! Glad to har kitties judged innocent!
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
|
You are right - for a first timer there is some confusion Barbara. But from what I CAN understand/ read ... you write with a GREAT flow (I doubt you find this surprising) and I really like your buildup of dramatic tension thru dialogue and quick, to-the-point description - so your "craft" is not obvious - the best kind! Well done! Glad to har kitties judged innocent!
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara ....
I have read this relatively short chapter of your book with interest in which you cleverly reflect the confusion in Anna's mind as she is taken back to her apartment.
There are just a few small changes to recommend ...
* You have - who was going to sit by me .. I suggest - to sit next to me ...
* You have - You look like you're already tired ... I suggest - You look as if you're already tired ...
* You have - I'm all right - it is usual to say ...
I'm alright ....
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from ... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
|
Hullo Barbara ....
I have read this relatively short chapter of your book with interest in which you cleverly reflect the confusion in Anna's mind as she is taken back to her apartment.
There are just a few small changes to recommend ...
* You have - who was going to sit by me .. I suggest - to sit next to me ...
* You have - You look like you're already tired ... I suggest - You look as if you're already tired ...
* You have - I'm all right - it is usual to say ...
I'm alright ....
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from ... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Thank you for your eagle eye. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Terra Dane
At the risk of being hated or banned from reading your stories--here it is--a major problem with the writing--too much information. It is bogging it down. Do we need to know every step? No, because we've all walked a person out of a hospital most of us have, at least.
Paul went ahead of the group to bring the car around. Instead of closer to the exit -- we can all assume he won't pull it further from the exit.
After Troy opened the door, the nurse pushed the wheelchair into the hall. --We know he's getting the door and where else is the nurse going to push the wheelchair--out the window? If so that's important and necessary, otherwise this is just a lot of words for a lot of boring action -- routine action that any thinking person can fill in. As the nurse wheeled her into the hall, Paul joined them. That way we can even eliminate the nurse taking control of the wheelchair.
All this extra stuff slows the pace--the tension you should be portraying in this seen. Think about what really is necessary to the telling of the story.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
 |
At the risk of being hated or banned from reading your stories--here it is--a major problem with the writing--too much information. It is bogging it down. Do we need to know every step? No, because we've all walked a person out of a hospital most of us have, at least.
Paul went ahead of the group to bring the car around. Instead of closer to the exit -- we can all assume he won't pull it further from the exit.
After Troy opened the door, the nurse pushed the wheelchair into the hall. --We know he's getting the door and where else is the nurse going to push the wheelchair--out the window? If so that's important and necessary, otherwise this is just a lot of words for a lot of boring action -- routine action that any thinking person can fill in. As the nurse wheeled her into the hall, Paul joined them. That way we can even eliminate the nurse taking control of the wheelchair.
All this extra stuff slows the pace--the tension you should be portraying in this seen. Think about what really is necessary to the telling of the story.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
I have been gigged for not having enough action. To be honest I am about ready to through this novel in the trash. Thank you.
-
To date I have thrown every novel, I've written in the trash and brought them out again. As I've said I don't read romance fiction, but this is a subject you clearly are willing to take on and tell a story about--it's a challenge--all I was saying is get to the specifics--don't get caught up in every detail--i.e. the wheelchair to the door--unless specifically it matters to story. I don't know what action people are talking about--romance fiction is not high action, but action can be emotion. When you go off into the characters personal thoughts you might instead write those in description--make the reader see via description-shaking, sweating, paling from fear are actually action, action is a look, an expression, a weight in the air, an exchange of relevant discussion. Again, free write--go there in your head. You have a good marriage now--I don't know your past or who you know, but to write about abuse is to get into that character--spend time with her, with her abuser--know everything--every intimate detail. Action is not pushing wheelchair into hall or guns blazing. Live and breathe her emotions and the action comes--this could be a great chapter--just let go of whatever is holding you back!!!!
-
I rewrote of few of those areas. I have been told I should spend more time describing what they where and to be honest what the hospital room and hallway looks like.
-
Whoever told you that is an idiot. The hospital room only matters to the extent that it matters to story and your intent. Is there something in the room that makes the main character think of something, experience some emotion--in that case relevant--if not irrelevant--we've all been, at least most of your audience, in a hospital room, not much to describe. This is what I mean when I say get into the head of your MC--maybe the flowers someone sent matter, maybe the blackened television screen, or the way the light cuts threw a curtain, but it must matter to the story you are telling--be relevant to your intent, the emotion... I sense very much your devotion to the subject matter, to achieving something with this--don't listen to idiots on writing--just write. I am really just trying to help, because I sense your passion for this--you've been working and keep going--it matters. Forget the points, the stars, the comments and delve into why Barbara Wilkey wants to tell this story, why you care about your main character, why this story must be told and inevitably something magic will happen, but you must let go to emotion, internal, deep, ever evolving emotion then you know what you need to put in there and leave out. I don't care who is driving the wheel chair, but what does it feel like to be in there and sense a destination you must visit but cannot remember what happened there. It's a great setup!!!
-
Matter of fact, I took one of the wheelchairs out and a reviewer told me it was confusing. That's were I don't understand.
-
Don't listen to everyone on this site--listen to your heart. People don't pay attention and sometimes fail to think for themselves.
Comment from sunnilicious
Lonely Hearts Meet
part one, Chapter 21 by barbara.
Anna got hurt pretty badly. ANd they talk about food. That's so southern. She gave the code away. So much excitment. Thank goodness there was a couch. Will there be a future problem from giving away the code? Why is the baby not returned for Momma?
Good dialogue. Nice work.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
|
Lonely Hearts Meet
part one, Chapter 21 by barbara.
Anna got hurt pretty badly. ANd they talk about food. That's so southern. She gave the code away. So much excitment. Thank goodness there was a couch. Will there be a future problem from giving away the code? Why is the baby not returned for Momma?
Good dialogue. Nice work.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Anna is going to stay with Paul and Betty for a few days. Michael is there. After they get some cloths, she will be with her son. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Janie King
My brother and his wife live in Corpis Christi, TX..I assume that's where you are going...Ann'a alive and she will recover and now that the jerk is dead maybe she can have a life. Have a grand time. God bless./
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
|
My brother and his wife live in Corpis Christi, TX..I assume that's where you are going...Ann'a alive and she will recover and now that the jerk is dead maybe she can have a life. Have a grand time. God bless./
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review. We have lived in TX for almost 7 years and haven't been there yet. I think it's time.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Wonderful chapter as always. I'm eager to see what happens next with Anna. Is her memory going to come back completely. Great job.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
|
Wonderful chapter as always. I'm eager to see what happens next with Anna. Is her memory going to come back completely. Great job.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Thank ou for the kind review.
Comment from mumsyone
Good chapter, Barbara. Amnesia would be a horrible thing to experience.
She took a step inside(,) put her hand over her mouth(,) and whispered, "Oh my God!"
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
|
Good chapter, Barbara. Amnesia would be a horrible thing to experience.
She took a step inside(,) put her hand over her mouth(,) and whispered, "Oh my God!"
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
I can't believe I forgot those commas, DARN!! Thank you for the catch.
Comment from whispering fox
this chapter of your book is quite exceptional!you were very creative with your descriptions,and your choice of characters.especially the part at the end of the chapter(21)where anna's senses are going wild!
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
 |
this chapter of your book is quite exceptional!you were very creative with your descriptions,and your choice of characters.especially the part at the end of the chapter(21)where anna's senses are going wild!
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review and encouragement.
Comment from LJ-HBIC
It's nice to read another portion of this book. The last I read was when Anna was in the hospital. I look forward to her memory returning and how she deals with that. I love the support she is receiving though and am glad that at least helps her feel safe, even if subconsciously. Great job!
P.S. Glad the kittens have settled down!
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
|
It's nice to read another portion of this book. The last I read was when Anna was in the hospital. I look forward to her memory returning and how she deals with that. I love the support she is receiving though and am glad that at least helps her feel safe, even if subconsciously. Great job!
P.S. Glad the kittens have settled down!
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.