Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Part One of Chapter Two"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
93 total reviews
Comment from Doug LeCroy
Well written. Kept my interest to the end. Now I'm wondering what happens next. That is what a writer is supposed to do: make the reader turn the page. Good job.
doug
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Well written. Kept my interest to the end. Now I'm wondering what happens next. That is what a writer is supposed to do: make the reader turn the page. Good job.
doug
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and the encouraging words.
Comment from Gungalo
Wow you!!! What a riveting close to this chapter. The man is a monster and no good can come from him at all. I feel bad for her and her son and wonder just how far and how much more she can tolerate?
Troy seems almost too good to be true. but he's a wonderful character so far. I'm loving this story you tell and look forward to the next chapter!!!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Wow you!!! What a riveting close to this chapter. The man is a monster and no good can come from him at all. I feel bad for her and her son and wonder just how far and how much more she can tolerate?
Troy seems almost too good to be true. but he's a wonderful character so far. I'm loving this story you tell and look forward to the next chapter!!!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review. Troy has issues,also. They will come to light much later.
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I've been gathering that. YOu drop little hints about him every chapter!!
Comment from mumsyone
This chapter is full of suspense: hoping Anna won't get caught contacting Troy; hoping Troy is being truly honest with Anna; hoping Anna won't have to face Bobby when she gets home with baby and medicine; then seeing that he is right there. You leave the reader wanting to turn to the next page.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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This chapter is full of suspense: hoping Anna won't get caught contacting Troy; hoping Troy is being truly honest with Anna; hoping Anna won't have to face Bobby when she gets home with baby and medicine; then seeing that he is right there. You leave the reader wanting to turn to the next page.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. Yes, Bobby is right there and it isn't good.
Comment from RebelRose
I was wondering how she was going to explain how she was able to purchase the medicine. Now, I fear that he pour it out and the poor baby won't get any relief. Very good chapter, my friend. I can't wait to see what happens to little Michael.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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I was wondering how she was going to explain how she was able to purchase the medicine. Now, I fear that he pour it out and the poor baby won't get any relief. Very good chapter, my friend. I can't wait to see what happens to little Michael.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. My next post will answer some questions.
Comment from axelbeariter
Can they help each other find love, or are their struggles too much/This is pretty picky, but add a question mark to this sentence.----other patient's/s/b plural, no apostrophe--patients----Michael's blond head--this little guy--running his fingers through his short brown hair--chubby little hand--Instead of a description dump, you deftly work these details in innocuously--good work.---- room, before/no comma needed----He's been drinking./not needed. previous sentence says it all----Looks like you'll keep me busy----I've got a new post, A Micro-Wilderness/check it out. Axel
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Can they help each other find love, or are their struggles too much/This is pretty picky, but add a question mark to this sentence.----other patient's/s/b plural, no apostrophe--patients----Michael's blond head--this little guy--running his fingers through his short brown hair--chubby little hand--Instead of a description dump, you deftly work these details in innocuously--good work.---- room, before/no comma needed----He's been drinking./not needed. previous sentence says it all----Looks like you'll keep me busy----I've got a new post, A Micro-Wilderness/check it out. Axel
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thnak you for your kind review and I'll get to those areas.
Comment from Deejharrington
Another terrific chapter! Troy may have paid for the doctor's visit and the medicine, but it will be Anna who will really pay the highest price for what she did for her son. How I hate the cowards who abuse women!
I hope it is good news that they are not doing another round of chemo. My thoughts are with you.
deb
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Another terrific chapter! Troy may have paid for the doctor's visit and the medicine, but it will be Anna who will really pay the highest price for what she did for her son. How I hate the cowards who abuse women!
I hope it is good news that they are not doing another round of chemo. My thoughts are with you.
deb
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. I will let you know in a few weeks if it's good news or not. The doctors are still debating that.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
I really like this chapter but I feel there's something missing from the beginning. I can't quite explain what it is, though, but I'll try.
{"Anna, is that you?" Silence filled the air for a moment, before he said, ["Anna, please don't hang-up."] - The last part of this sentence sounds like it's come too soon if that makes sense. I also felt some of the sentences were a bit repetitive and not as tight as your usual writing. It's not that I want to re-write this section for you but it's the only way I can describe what I felt was wrong. Please don't be offended and just ignore my suggestion if you disagree :-)
*** Silence filled the air for a moment before she said, "Michael probably has an ear infection. My insurance has a co-pay for doctor's visits," her voice trailed off.
"And Bobby controls the money," Troy interjected, as Michael's crying filled the silence. "How much do you need?" When she didn't respond he asked, "Anna, are you still there?
"Yes," she whispered, Tears rolled down her cheeks. "I need fifteen dollars for co-pay and money for the prescription."
"Okay. What time is Michael's appointment?"
"I haven't made it yet."
"Go ahead and book it. Give me directions, and I'll be there as soon as I can." ***
The rest of the chapter was word perfect as always, and I like the hook you've thrown in here [I haven't been with a woman since Angela discovered my diagnosis and walked out.] - Very intriguing and looking forward to finding out x
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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I really like this chapter but I feel there's something missing from the beginning. I can't quite explain what it is, though, but I'll try.
{"Anna, is that you?" Silence filled the air for a moment, before he said, ["Anna, please don't hang-up."] - The last part of this sentence sounds like it's come too soon if that makes sense. I also felt some of the sentences were a bit repetitive and not as tight as your usual writing. It's not that I want to re-write this section for you but it's the only way I can describe what I felt was wrong. Please don't be offended and just ignore my suggestion if you disagree :-)
*** Silence filled the air for a moment before she said, "Michael probably has an ear infection. My insurance has a co-pay for doctor's visits," her voice trailed off.
"And Bobby controls the money," Troy interjected, as Michael's crying filled the silence. "How much do you need?" When she didn't respond he asked, "Anna, are you still there?
"Yes," she whispered, Tears rolled down her cheeks. "I need fifteen dollars for co-pay and money for the prescription."
"Okay. What time is Michael's appointment?"
"I haven't made it yet."
"Go ahead and book it. Give me directions, and I'll be there as soon as I can." ***
The rest of the chapter was word perfect as always, and I like the hook you've thrown in here [I haven't been with a woman since Angela discovered my diagnosis and walked out.] - Very intriguing and looking forward to finding out x
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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I will recheck the beginning of the post. Thank you for your kind review.
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I hope it helped in some way. It is so difficult sometimes, to explain what you mean on line. I know what I felt was wrong with it as I read it, but it took me ages to put it into words lol x
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Not a problem. I will work on it.
Comment from JEMMAC
As a male new to fanstory I decided it would be a good exercise for me to see what makes a good romantic piece.
There is a sweet sadness pervading this work. I enjoyed both the atmosphere and the characters controlled exchanges.
I found the doctor's waiting room slow and somewhat irritating, so you scored there too. I did not like the brief description of the waiting drunk, did he have to be such a slob, but there again......
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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As a male new to fanstory I decided it would be a good exercise for me to see what makes a good romantic piece.
There is a sweet sadness pervading this work. I enjoyed both the atmosphere and the characters controlled exchanges.
I found the doctor's waiting room slow and somewhat irritating, so you scored there too. I did not like the brief description of the waiting drunk, did he have to be such a slob, but there again......
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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In the next post you see how much of a jerk this man really is. This is not your typical romance. I usually write typical romance novels, I am spreading my wings with this one. In one of the pervious posts I have a hint of how horrible Bobby really is. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Troy is being an awfully good friend. I wonder what this is about. He has his own medical problems, and they must be serious for a woman to walk out on him over them. You have my curiosity aroused. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Troy is being an awfully good friend. I wonder what this is about. He has his own medical problems, and they must be serious for a woman to walk out on him over them. You have my curiosity aroused. :) Nancy
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. It will be awhile before we discover what's wrong with Troy.
Comment from Writeaway...
Once again Barbara, a brilliant piece of writing, bravo. I was kept in thralled from beginning to end and cannot suggest anything for improvement, an excellent job, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Once again Barbara, a brilliant piece of writing, bravo. I was kept in thralled from beginning to end and cannot suggest anything for improvement, an excellent job, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 27-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.