Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Part One chapter three"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
84 total reviews
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Barbara,
I can honestly say I heaved a sigh when Anna and her little boy were safe. I hope the judge puts him away for good but fear it won't be that simple. I believe Troy's feelings for Anna are deeper than he knows. Another well written chapter. Hope all goes okay with your and your radiation treatment. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Hi Barbara,
I can honestly say I heaved a sigh when Anna and her little boy were safe. I hope the judge puts him away for good but fear it won't be that simple. I believe Troy's feelings for Anna are deeper than he knows. Another well written chapter. Hope all goes okay with your and your radiation treatment. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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I think Troy's feelings are deeper than he knows and so does his dad. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is another great chapter. It's good to get a bit of background into troy's family. I was a bit surprised at Troy's father's reaction though, as I thought you hinted in a previous chapter that Troy's mother was a battered wife.
[Stockholm syndrome.] - interesting, I've never heard of that syndrome before x
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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This is another great chapter. It's good to get a bit of background into troy's family. I was a bit surprised at Troy's father's reaction though, as I thought you hinted in a previous chapter that Troy's mother was a battered wife.
[Stockholm syndrome.] - interesting, I've never heard of that syndrome before x
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. Stockholm syndrome is espeically a problem in prison camps.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent addition to your book, barbara, i hope anna is able to see the goodness in this man and accept it at face value, i enjoyed the one on one time with troy and his father. i know what your husband means, everytime i write about abuse, i can't get people to believe i'm not writing from experience
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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this is an excellent addition to your book, barbara, i hope anna is able to see the goodness in this man and accept it at face value, i enjoyed the one on one time with troy and his father. i know what your husband means, everytime i write about abuse, i can't get people to believe i'm not writing from experience
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Thank you for understanding. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from amada
Seems that Troy is a good and gallant fellow, but I think he is already emotionally involved with the young mother. A great chapter, good follow up.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Seems that Troy is a good and gallant fellow, but I think he is already emotionally involved with the young mother. A great chapter, good follow up.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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I think he is too and so does his dad. I hope he behaves himself, for her sake. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Deorre Leonard
Bobby is finally getting what he deserves. I hope Troy and Anna get together he seems like such a good guy. This is a good read another great chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Bobby is finally getting what he deserves. I hope Troy and Anna get together he seems like such a good guy. This is a good read another great chapter.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is very well written and has so much truth in it. I didn't note any missing words.Again, I am so glad you are addressing this issue, and are doing it so well!!! Debbie
Your husband sounds like a nice guy-at least he is aware of what you are writing about. Hope you are doing ok with the radiation!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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This is very well written and has so much truth in it. I didn't note any missing words.Again, I am so glad you are addressing this issue, and are doing it so well!!! Debbie
Your husband sounds like a nice guy-at least he is aware of what you are writing about. Hope you are doing ok with the radiation!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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He is aware and we were discussing the poem Thursday evening. I read him a few reviews and he asked me to mention he wasn't an abuser. Some thought my post indicated I had personal knowledge.
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That is to bad. I hope he feels better about it now. Debbie
Comment from RebelRose
Another great chapter. Thanks for the author's notes. I knew that abused women felt this way but I didn't know the name for it. Tell your husband not to worry, we didn't think you wrote this from true experience, LOL.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Another great chapter. Thanks for the author's notes. I knew that abused women felt this way but I didn't know the name for it. Tell your husband not to worry, we didn't think you wrote this from true experience, LOL.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from nor84
Hello, Barbara. I'm laid up with a sprained wrist and dictating this, so if you get a weird word in here, blame Dragon NaturallySpeaking.
Instead of saying "he watched the police forced their way..." Can you show the police forcing their way inside. We're looking through Troy's eyes.
In the sentence beginning Troy he released a deep breath, you don't need a comma at all.
Count the number of times you use the word "Troy" in this chapter and see how many can be replaced with a pronoun, or by changing the sentence structure. Character name repeats are one of the main reasons I manuscript is rejected. stand out.
The sentence "his dad came in from the den smiled" is missing a word.
Also watch out for unnecessary repeats of "dad" in dialogue. When Troy speaks to his dad, he usually says it. It's clear that the two men are having a discussion until Betty glances toward the kitchen.
Troy Hess to see the picture, and we have to see it through his eyes, before he comments that he liked it. He looks at it first, then he comments.
I would say, "Troy explained how he had met Anna and everything that led up to the 911 call. Starting the sentence with had makes it clear that he met her in the past, but then you want to immediately drop past-present tense and use past tense.
In the sentence that begins I remember, the dialogue continues with "I told you I wanted an honest job. You always shot back, 'Become a judge then'." -- I think the punctuation should be like that, with the ' before the period.
It's better to show Troy finishing his tea and cookies by showing it, and then saying "he stood." The "ing" phrases should be avoided whenever possible at the beginning of a sentence.
I hope this review has been helpful. Generally, a very good job.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Hello, Barbara. I'm laid up with a sprained wrist and dictating this, so if you get a weird word in here, blame Dragon NaturallySpeaking.
Instead of saying "he watched the police forced their way..." Can you show the police forcing their way inside. We're looking through Troy's eyes.
In the sentence beginning Troy he released a deep breath, you don't need a comma at all.
Count the number of times you use the word "Troy" in this chapter and see how many can be replaced with a pronoun, or by changing the sentence structure. Character name repeats are one of the main reasons I manuscript is rejected. stand out.
The sentence "his dad came in from the den smiled" is missing a word.
Also watch out for unnecessary repeats of "dad" in dialogue. When Troy speaks to his dad, he usually says it. It's clear that the two men are having a discussion until Betty glances toward the kitchen.
Troy Hess to see the picture, and we have to see it through his eyes, before he comments that he liked it. He looks at it first, then he comments.
I would say, "Troy explained how he had met Anna and everything that led up to the 911 call. Starting the sentence with had makes it clear that he met her in the past, but then you want to immediately drop past-present tense and use past tense.
In the sentence that begins I remember, the dialogue continues with "I told you I wanted an honest job. You always shot back, 'Become a judge then'." -- I think the punctuation should be like that, with the ' before the period.
It's better to show Troy finishing his tea and cookies by showing it, and then saying "he stood." The "ing" phrases should be avoided whenever possible at the beginning of a sentence.
I hope this review has been helpful. Generally, a very good job.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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I made a hard copy so I don't miss any errors. I am off to make corrections. I am sorry to hear about your wrist. I hope you recover soon.
Comment from Deejharrington
A very good job of writing an emotional episode. Such abuse is hard on everyone. I certainly hope she doesn't return to that jerk. But I know many women do. You have done a great job with the description of the scene and the dialog with his (adopted?) parents. Nicely done chapter.
deb
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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A very good job of writing an emotional episode. Such abuse is hard on everyone. I certainly hope she doesn't return to that jerk. But I know many women do. You have done a great job with the description of the scene and the dialog with his (adopted?) parents. Nicely done chapter.
deb
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from amahra
Wow. It's about time; I've been outside that door wondering if he'd killed her or not. I'm so glad he didn't and the kid is ok. I don't think he was a coward for calling the police instead of doing something himself. I hope he doesn't blame himself. Loved this chapter. Below are a few things I found:
A woman officer carried Michael and walked beside[the] stretcher. You forgot the word "the".
His dad came in from the den smiled [smiling] Did you mean to say smiling instead of smiled?
Before she left [,] she kissed Troy's cheek.
spouse abuse." and I think you mean [spousal abuse]
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Wow. It's about time; I've been outside that door wondering if he'd killed her or not. I'm so glad he didn't and the kid is ok. I don't think he was a coward for calling the police instead of doing something himself. I hope he doesn't blame himself. Loved this chapter. Below are a few things I found:
A woman officer carried Michael and walked beside[the] stretcher. You forgot the word "the".
His dad came in from the den smiled [smiling] Did you mean to say smiling instead of smiled?
Before she left [,] she kissed Troy's cheek.
spouse abuse." and I think you mean [spousal abuse]
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Thank you for catching those errors. I am off to make the corrections.