Guilt-Stained Badge
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Sorry"2nd Place Finish
9 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
. . . where he (lay) down with a groan.
Wonder how Tamra would know of Paco, if her job comes after the fact. Maybe Morgan has spoken of him to her?
Perhaps could delete: "at the pain speaking induced." Reader knows it hurts him to talk.
Change of POV in same para. Suggest revise to:
He stared at the liquid. "That's not the type of drink I had in mind." . . .
Is she sitting next to him? Perhaps: She ran one hand through his blond hair, leaned closer then gripped his hand with the other.
Suggest: In no more than a minute, his aches and pains subsided. He felt (that) he was floating on fluffy clouds. Nice alliteration.
Suggest: . . . magnificent, light blue eyes (as) he drifted off . . .
. . . just (lay) back and enjoyed . . .
Perhaps revise to:
. . . reflecting magnificently from a (kitchen light over the sink)
It seems that Tamra is taking advantage of a grieving, hurting, physically injured, drugged up Morgan.
Interesting twist if he'd wanted Tamra all along and settled for Debra instead.
Perhaps reconsider the breakfast and how much he ate if he's got a very sore mouth and smashed face. Maybe she made him something soft, easy to chew. (Sorry, it's the nurse in me!)
Sol
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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. . . where he (lay) down with a groan.
Wonder how Tamra would know of Paco, if her job comes after the fact. Maybe Morgan has spoken of him to her?
Perhaps could delete: "at the pain speaking induced." Reader knows it hurts him to talk.
Change of POV in same para. Suggest revise to:
He stared at the liquid. "That's not the type of drink I had in mind." . . .
Is she sitting next to him? Perhaps: She ran one hand through his blond hair, leaned closer then gripped his hand with the other.
Suggest: In no more than a minute, his aches and pains subsided. He felt (that) he was floating on fluffy clouds. Nice alliteration.
Suggest: . . . magnificent, light blue eyes (as) he drifted off . . .
. . . just (lay) back and enjoyed . . .
Perhaps revise to:
. . . reflecting magnificently from a (kitchen light over the sink)
It seems that Tamra is taking advantage of a grieving, hurting, physically injured, drugged up Morgan.
Interesting twist if he'd wanted Tamra all along and settled for Debra instead.
Perhaps reconsider the breakfast and how much he ate if he's got a very sore mouth and smashed face. Maybe she made him something soft, easy to chew. (Sorry, it's the nurse in me!)
Sol
Comment Written 16-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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So many great suggestions here! You are awesome sauce, my friend!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Holey moley you have a fertile although somewhat odd view about women. Tamara would not have jumped on an injured man to service him. Yuck and double yuck. If he was sprouting a hard on maybe she would have rode him, gently. She took advantage and would not expect to be going steady afterwards.
Menfolk can be such dolts. Karen :-)
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2024
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Holey moley you have a fertile although somewhat odd view about women. Tamara would not have jumped on an injured man to service him. Yuck and double yuck. If he was sprouting a hard on maybe she would have rode him, gently. She took advantage and would not expect to be going steady afterwards.
Menfolk can be such dolts. Karen :-)
Comment Written 12-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2024
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Maybe your keen brain has found a clue?
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
He certainly lands on his feet with women doesn't he? He must be drop-dead attractive:) Back to work after upsetting Tamra, he's still in a mess. I think he needs another appointment with his therapist! Small edit: The two wom(e)n are so much alike; Those eyes. I just can't.... (dots rather than full stop maybe? Your story is going well, Doug! Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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He certainly lands on his feet with women doesn't he? He must be drop-dead attractive:) Back to work after upsetting Tamra, he's still in a mess. I think he needs another appointment with his therapist! Small edit: The two wom(e)n are so much alike; Those eyes. I just can't.... (dots rather than full stop maybe? Your story is going well, Doug! Debbie
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Debbie. I have fallen behind a bit. Great fixes. I like the three dot suggestion!
D
Comment from royowen
It looks like Morgan has fallen for Tamra who is his deceased wife's identical twin, Morgan I'd well aware of his failings, which is where a lot of us have been. I can see that's the basis of the story, the characters are important to you, well done Douglas, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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It looks like Morgan has fallen for Tamra who is his deceased wife's identical twin, Morgan I'd well aware of his failings, which is where a lot of us have been. I can see that's the basis of the story, the characters are important to you, well done Douglas, blessings Roy
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Roy. Morgan is on a bad path!
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Yep
Comment from Terry Broxson
Douglas, I'm not much of a proofreader, so I didn't see anything to correct. I see what you mean by the relationships being hard to get down. I know you alluded to some history with Morgan and Tamra. Now we got more history.
But Morgan willing jumps in bed with anybody, but pushes Tamra away, but only after doing the deed. I guess he could blame on the drugs, but there is more going on here. Terry.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Douglas, I'm not much of a proofreader, so I didn't see anything to correct. I see what you mean by the relationships being hard to get down. I know you alluded to some history with Morgan and Tamra. Now we got more history.
But Morgan willing jumps in bed with anybody, but pushes Tamra away, but only after doing the deed. I guess he could blame on the drugs, but there is more going on here. Terry.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Me thinks Morgan is on a bad path.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am hoping Morgan rethinks his decision about Tamra. Maybe she can help him turn his life around. I'm pretty sure she has the power to do it. He just needs to get over the guilt. Easier said than done. This is a really good story and I like it, a lot. I'm cheering Morgan on.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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I am hoping Morgan rethinks his decision about Tamra. Maybe she can help him turn his life around. I'm pretty sure she has the power to do it. He just needs to get over the guilt. Easier said than done. This is a really good story and I like it, a lot. I'm cheering Morgan on.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Barbara. I am falling behind a bit.
Douglas
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Just as Mckey Spillane would have written a chapter. Dusk and dreary. Man beaten to hell. Women in short-slitted skirts. A shot rings out, and another corpse is laying in the street.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Just as Mckey Spillane would have written a chapter. Dusk and dreary. Man beaten to hell. Women in short-slitted skirts. A shot rings out, and another corpse is laying in the street.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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A man after my own heart. I love lad Mike Hammer. Great stuff!
Comment from Julie Helms
I feel sorry for Tamra in one way, but what the heck was she thinking climbing on someone who was wounded and drugged up!
got some wet clothes (cloths)?
he may be killing those poor woman (women)
thought it all a dream if he hadn't woke with the small woman (hadn't woken)
Paco's worn down brick building (worn-down brick building)
Still don't know what this great secret is!!
Julie :-)
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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I feel sorry for Tamra in one way, but what the heck was she thinking climbing on someone who was wounded and drugged up!
got some wet clothes (cloths)?
he may be killing those poor woman (women)
thought it all a dream if he hadn't woke with the small woman (hadn't woken)
Paco's worn down brick building (worn-down brick building)
Still don't know what this great secret is!!
Julie :-)
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Julie. I have fallen behind!
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I like your Kermie profile pic!
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Ha!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Wish Morgan hadn't been quite so cold and mean to Tamra. He could have iced the relationship a little more smoothly. (smiley face here)
"Sorry, but I agree that he may be killing those poor woman. - (women?)
Keep going, you're doing great!
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Wish Morgan hadn't been quite so cold and mean to Tamra. He could have iced the relationship a little more smoothly. (smiley face here)
"Sorry, but I agree that he may be killing those poor woman. - (women?)
Keep going, you're doing great!
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Thanks buddy! Almost half-way there. Gonna keep on rollin!