The Parisian Necromancer
A tale of Revolutionary France21 total reviews
Comment from Slo_6
Fantastic. This was a pleasure from beginning to end: surprising and original. The action moves so smoothly from one moment to the next. I can't judge the historical accuracy of the translated language here, but I can say it was a blast to read.
I am going to offer one suggestion, but it's more compliment than constructive criticism. You wrote, "executed by the state he helped create ... in the very manner in which he had created it." You may have wanted the ellipses for some dramatic pause or other form of emphasis, but you don't need the extra punctuation to amplify this irony. The same goes for the italics. Your narrator has already established enough personality to deliver a line with a flourish.
Thanks for sharing this.
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with the criteria outlined on the Q&A page.**
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2024
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Fantastic. This was a pleasure from beginning to end: surprising and original. The action moves so smoothly from one moment to the next. I can't judge the historical accuracy of the translated language here, but I can say it was a blast to read.
I am going to offer one suggestion, but it's more compliment than constructive criticism. You wrote, "executed by the state he helped create ... in the very manner in which he had created it." You may have wanted the ellipses for some dramatic pause or other form of emphasis, but you don't need the extra punctuation to amplify this irony. The same goes for the italics. Your narrator has already established enough personality to deliver a line with a flourish.
Thanks for sharing this.
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with the criteria outlined on the Q&A page.**
Comment Written 23-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2024
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Thank for this awesome review, and your exceptional rating! I'm so happy you enjoyed the story. And you are abolutely right about the ellipses and italics. I have removed both. Thanks for the sharp-eye!
Patrick
Comment from F. William Lester
Well done, Patrick, and congratulations on your latest win. Great story. I liked the concept and the way you took the story of Languille's demise to give rise to your own. I like the way it is constructed and the nice twist in the end with Robespierre's death. I know this is fiction, but did Robespierre actually kill himself or die by guillotine? Or is this fiction as well? Thanks for sharing another well-written piece. Stay well, Frank
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Well done, Patrick, and congratulations on your latest win. Great story. I liked the concept and the way you took the story of Languille's demise to give rise to your own. I like the way it is constructed and the nice twist in the end with Robespierre's death. I know this is fiction, but did Robespierre actually kill himself or die by guillotine? Or is this fiction as well? Thanks for sharing another well-written piece. Stay well, Frank
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Hi Frank!
Thank you so much for your words! To answer your question, Robespierre totally did try to kill himself with a musket pistol, failed, and was guillotined the next day:
FROM WIKI: LeBas handed a pistol to Robespierre, then killed himself with another pistol.[494] According to Barras and Courtois, Robespierre wounded himself when he tried to commit suicide by pointing the pistol at his mouth, but the gendarme Méda prevented him from killing himself successfully.
At approximately 6 p.m., [the next day] the condemned were conveyed in three carts to the Place de la Révolution for execution,
Robespierre was the tenth to ascend the platform. During the preparation for his execution, the executioner Charles-Henri Sanson, dislodged the bandage securing his shattered jaw, eliciting an anguished scream until his demise. Following his beheading, the crowd erupted in applause and jubilant cries, which reportedly endured for fifteen minutes.
So yeah, all that is true. 😊
I appreciate you, Frank! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and thank you so much for one of your 6-stars! Have a great weekend!
Patrick
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You're welcome, Patrick, and thanks for the information about Robespierre. You have a great weekend as well.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Patrick,
Firstly, that is a very powerful opening quote. There is a Polanski movie (The Tenant) where the main character muses that if his arm is amputated, he would refer to "me, and my arm"; similarly with an amputated leg: "me and my leg". "Me" remains, and the limbs take on a separate identity. But, he reasons, if his head was amputated, he would refer to "me, and my body".
He goes on to consider why the head sees itself as "me". I think your opening quote settles the debate. I've read of this phenomenon in decapitated chickens, but never thought it would be the case for a decapitated human.
It sets up your tale (Mary Shelley meets the Zombie Apocalypse!) wonderfully.
I complement you on your homework. Not just your research regarding the times, but of the location too. This should be simple stuff but it is often overlooked (moving from "Place de la Revolution (Concorde) westward down the Avenue des Champs-Elysees" is geographically correct, for example - although I think it'd take a good 10 minutes to get the head 'home' to just off Rue Saint-Honore, which is a bit more than 30-seconds, but I think the reader is well-prepared to suspend belief for the benefit of the super tale you have served up.)
However, nit-picking aside, it is the overarching atmosphere you have created that I was most struck by. The character's thinking and manner; his environment, his observations. This is all handled noticeably well. It reminded me of the writing style in Luther Blisset's "Q" (and if you've not read that work, my reference to it is meant to be a compliment.)
...and then there are your lovely turns of phrase from "...a pocket of mumbling scarecrows..." to "...a dutiful pig seeking truffles...", and great lines, casually handled "...her mouth hung slack as if she were indifferent to the whole thing..." This makes for such enjoyable reading.
Even the more gruesome aspects (and, really, it is ALL gruesome) are handled with great flair: "Your fruit is rotten, Monsieur," a dirty little girl said, trailing behind me. "It's dripping. Perhaps you may spare some?" Not only is the image immediate and uncomfortable, but the prospect of the possibilities in the scene, should he concede for example, is just as great a horror.
...and then there is beauty in the horror too: "She kept the affection for me in her eyes until they melted away..." my, my - romantic AND repulsive. That's clever.
In passing, you've been super diligent with your capitalisation, but in the dialogue with Robespierre the Necromancer says "...Le president..." and I am wondering is this should not be a capital P ? (Similarly, earlier on, he references "the new republic", this, however, is an ambiguous reference, perhaps not to the actual thing (capitals) but to the concept (lower case).
The ending is well plotted and set up. The Revolution always eats itself.
Bearing in mind that, "I pledge to rate in accordance with the criteria outlined on the Q&A page" this is a six, all day long.
This is a great piece. I hope you receive the recognition your work and imagination deserve.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
Cheers
phill
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Hello Patrick,
Firstly, that is a very powerful opening quote. There is a Polanski movie (The Tenant) where the main character muses that if his arm is amputated, he would refer to "me, and my arm"; similarly with an amputated leg: "me and my leg". "Me" remains, and the limbs take on a separate identity. But, he reasons, if his head was amputated, he would refer to "me, and my body".
He goes on to consider why the head sees itself as "me". I think your opening quote settles the debate. I've read of this phenomenon in decapitated chickens, but never thought it would be the case for a decapitated human.
It sets up your tale (Mary Shelley meets the Zombie Apocalypse!) wonderfully.
I complement you on your homework. Not just your research regarding the times, but of the location too. This should be simple stuff but it is often overlooked (moving from "Place de la Revolution (Concorde) westward down the Avenue des Champs-Elysees" is geographically correct, for example - although I think it'd take a good 10 minutes to get the head 'home' to just off Rue Saint-Honore, which is a bit more than 30-seconds, but I think the reader is well-prepared to suspend belief for the benefit of the super tale you have served up.)
However, nit-picking aside, it is the overarching atmosphere you have created that I was most struck by. The character's thinking and manner; his environment, his observations. This is all handled noticeably well. It reminded me of the writing style in Luther Blisset's "Q" (and if you've not read that work, my reference to it is meant to be a compliment.)
...and then there are your lovely turns of phrase from "...a pocket of mumbling scarecrows..." to "...a dutiful pig seeking truffles...", and great lines, casually handled "...her mouth hung slack as if she were indifferent to the whole thing..." This makes for such enjoyable reading.
Even the more gruesome aspects (and, really, it is ALL gruesome) are handled with great flair: "Your fruit is rotten, Monsieur," a dirty little girl said, trailing behind me. "It's dripping. Perhaps you may spare some?" Not only is the image immediate and uncomfortable, but the prospect of the possibilities in the scene, should he concede for example, is just as great a horror.
...and then there is beauty in the horror too: "She kept the affection for me in her eyes until they melted away..." my, my - romantic AND repulsive. That's clever.
In passing, you've been super diligent with your capitalisation, but in the dialogue with Robespierre the Necromancer says "...Le president..." and I am wondering is this should not be a capital P ? (Similarly, earlier on, he references "the new republic", this, however, is an ambiguous reference, perhaps not to the actual thing (capitals) but to the concept (lower case).
The ending is well plotted and set up. The Revolution always eats itself.
Bearing in mind that, "I pledge to rate in accordance with the criteria outlined on the Q&A page" this is a six, all day long.
This is a great piece. I hope you receive the recognition your work and imagination deserve.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
Cheers
phill
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Hi Phill!
Thanks for reviewing the story! The idea about the center of one's identity being in the head makes a lot of sense. You anecdote about the Polanski movie reiterates that. I think of that scene in "Saving Private Ryan" where the soldier on the beach loses his arm and then goes back to pick it up. He is portrayed as being somewhat confused emotionally, and I remember thinking, well yeah, I would want to go pick up that piece of myself as well.
I have never been to Paris, so I used a map during the Revolution. I am glad I got most of it correct. I admit I didn't worry a whole lot about distance and times. I hope that the Necromancer's walk home in the first scene is vague enough for that to be okay.
I agree about "Le President." I'm not quite sure why I left that uncapitalized. I just fixed it right up.
Thanks again for your time and expertise. I am very gratified that yo enjoyed the story!
Patrick
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Hi again,
You know, when a chicken is decapitated it works the other way around - the head dies, but the body continues to be mobile for some time after (hence the expression to "run around like a headless chicken").
The centre of one's identity being the mind (consciousness, the accidental byproduct of brain) is perhaps only a feature in 'higher' animals.
Still, your work was a pleasure to read - and aside from the entertainment value, it proved to be intellectually stimulating too: "...what is "me"...?"
cheers
phill
Comment from DonandVicki
A true horror to read, I think this could be lengthened into a novel or novella. I got a feeling of being back in the time period. Well written and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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A true horror to read, I think this could be lengthened into a novel or novella. I got a feeling of being back in the time period. Well written and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thank you for your review and comments! I agree that it might work as a novella. I will see if I feel compelled to expand it. Have a great weekend! 😊
Comment from Mrs. KT
And what an exceptional tale it is, Patrick!
DAMN!
I do not recall ever reading such an intense, incredibly creative, and polished piece of writing on FanStory since I joined the site in 2007. Well, that may not be 100% true, because I've read some superlative postings, but this is right up there with the best of the best.
I was intrigued from beginning to end.
Frighteningly wonderful.
Please accept my virtual six stars = much deserved.
Thank you for sharing!
fondly,
diane
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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And what an exceptional tale it is, Patrick!
DAMN!
I do not recall ever reading such an intense, incredibly creative, and polished piece of writing on FanStory since I joined the site in 2007. Well, that may not be 100% true, because I've read some superlative postings, but this is right up there with the best of the best.
I was intrigued from beginning to end.
Frighteningly wonderful.
Please accept my virtual six stars = much deserved.
Thank you for sharing!
fondly,
diane
Comment Written 14-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Hi Diane! Awwww, thank you for your ringing endorsement of the story. It is very gratifying to me that you enjoyed it. 😊
Comment from Alex Biasin
Very creative and imaginative story.
It moved along at a good pace and had a very readable flow.
There were lots of intriguing elements to the story to keep the reader interested and a good twist at the end, turning the tables on the dastardly Robespierre.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Very creative and imaginative story.
It moved along at a good pace and had a very readable flow.
There were lots of intriguing elements to the story to keep the reader interested and a good twist at the end, turning the tables on the dastardly Robespierre.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Thank you for you comments! 😊
Comment from karenina
Poe is off somewhere thinking , with envy, "Man, I wish I'd written that."
There is nothing more horrifying than man's inhumanity to man...
Except the same done in the name of the Lord
The interweaving of history with the necromancer is genius...
The ending is jaw dropping perfect.
will not soon forget this, Patrick...
And any hope of a peaceful sleep is lost!
Karenina
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Poe is off somewhere thinking , with envy, "Man, I wish I'd written that."
There is nothing more horrifying than man's inhumanity to man...
Except the same done in the name of the Lord
The interweaving of history with the necromancer is genius...
The ending is jaw dropping perfect.
will not soon forget this, Patrick...
And any hope of a peaceful sleep is lost!
Karenina
Comment Written 13-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Awww, thank you for that. For anyone to ever compare any of my work to Poe is the ultimate compliment! I am sorry if I gave you nightmares! Thank you for always being there to read my stuff. I appreciate you very much! And thanks for the 6-star! 💕
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Easiest six star ever to give out!
:)
Comment from Julie Helms
This is a masterpiece, Patrick. Using an already horror-filled event in history as setting to your story works well. I think the intro with the historical observation is also a help to the reader who was not already familiar with it.
Some comments:
the seventh enemy of the Revolution
(I would suggest setting off "enemy of the revolution" in some way. I first read it as the seventh enemy. Pausing in the wrong place. Maybe italics?)
Eléonore blinked her eyes as if she was shocked she could do so
(subjunctive...)
God favors the Revolution and the Jacobins
(This sent me on some research. I don't know much about French history, but I do know Scottish history. So I was curious if this was related to the Jacobites. It's not. Now I know!)
This was brilliantly conceived and written. A publishable piece of work. Excellent job!
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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This is a masterpiece, Patrick. Using an already horror-filled event in history as setting to your story works well. I think the intro with the historical observation is also a help to the reader who was not already familiar with it.
Some comments:
the seventh enemy of the Revolution
(I would suggest setting off "enemy of the revolution" in some way. I first read it as the seventh enemy. Pausing in the wrong place. Maybe italics?)
Eléonore blinked her eyes as if she was shocked she could do so
(subjunctive...)
God favors the Revolution and the Jacobins
(This sent me on some research. I don't know much about French history, but I do know Scottish history. So I was curious if this was related to the Jacobites. It's not. Now I know!)
This was brilliantly conceived and written. A publishable piece of work. Excellent job!
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 12-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Hi Julie! All fixed up! I am so happy that you liked the story. And thank you so much for the 6-star! 😊
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Good grief Herbert this is Astonishing,brilliant, classical, detailed, electrifying, fantastic, gory, hideous, intelligent, judgemental, kickass, lurid, majestic, nefarious, obsessive,
paranormal, rare, suspenseful, terrifying, unusual, vindictive, wicked, yucky and......Zombie-like. Karen
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Good grief Herbert this is Astonishing,brilliant, classical, detailed, electrifying, fantastic, gory, hideous, intelligent, judgemental, kickass, lurid, majestic, nefarious, obsessive,
paranormal, rare, suspenseful, terrifying, unusual, vindictive, wicked, yucky and......Zombie-like. Karen
Comment Written 12-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Thank you, Karen! I am happy you enjoyed the story! And thank you for your 6-star! 😊
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:-)
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Firstly, this is deserving of more than I can award, so I apologise, Patrick! But this is an incredible piece in which you take that initial extract to a whole new level. It's true horror and you undoubtedly fulfil the brief but - and I'm usually a wimp with this sort of thing - I actually found beauty and poignancy in the communication with Eleonore, if not so much with Robespierre. It didn't make me shudder with repulsion so I think I might be a bit odd now. Anyway, your writing is faultless and effortless to read and your knowledge of this period of history is such that I'm sure you must have been there at the time:)) Your story also seems to contain a message that is timeless, that, whatever we do through violence, in a vain attempt to redress the balance in life, our efforts are pointless and counter-productive, satisfying no higher authority than ourselves. Well done, Patrick, and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Firstly, this is deserving of more than I can award, so I apologise, Patrick! But this is an incredible piece in which you take that initial extract to a whole new level. It's true horror and you undoubtedly fulfil the brief but - and I'm usually a wimp with this sort of thing - I actually found beauty and poignancy in the communication with Eleonore, if not so much with Robespierre. It didn't make me shudder with repulsion so I think I might be a bit odd now. Anyway, your writing is faultless and effortless to read and your knowledge of this period of history is such that I'm sure you must have been there at the time:)) Your story also seems to contain a message that is timeless, that, whatever we do through violence, in a vain attempt to redress the balance in life, our efforts are pointless and counter-productive, satisfying no higher authority than ourselves. Well done, Patrick, and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 12-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Hi Debbie! Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words. It's very gratifying to me that you enjoyed the story. And your final statements are spot on when it comes to human nature and human history. Was it Nietzche that said this world is nothing but a will to power? Unfortunately, history tells us this may be all too true.
On an unrelated topic, I have you in line for a Port Raid! I am so behind on my reviews, but it is coming soon, hopefully by the end of this weekend! Thank you again! 😊
Patrick
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Don't say this, Patrick. It makes me nervous:))
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That's fair. You can see what a Port Raid is if you wish by looking at my reviews through my profile and see how I have done them for others. They are painless, I promise. 😁
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Unless of course, you were talking about Nietzche, than I'm at a loss. 😎
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No, just the prospect of you dropping by here. I'll have to get the tea on:)
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Oh, please do about the tea! And I am harmless. Even as my reviewing persona Eyepatch Patrick. 😊 See you soon!