Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Chapter 8; part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
78 total reviews
Comment from Kevin Armes
Dear Barabara,
Like others I find this entire scenario unbelievable. As I think we're all adults here and want to write to the highest standard, I see no reason why I shouldn't be forthright in why I think that.
Even if you want us to suspend our belief and accept that a mother whose daughter is in the hands of kidnappers would start decorating, this dialogue is just unreal. (I've read your note about your friend who does this when she's worried about her husband but that's an entirely different scenario - this girl is ACTUALLY missing.) Let's look at some examples -
"We're no closer to finding Cassie than we were yesterday, are we?" She slapped a roller full of paint against the wall. This sounds like she's discussing something trivial. This is her daughter right?
Sara hurried to Cassie's room and returned. "Here's Cassie's hair brush." She handed it to Joe, then glanced at George. "This lilac would look better in my bedroom. I think the light tan you chose would look better in the living room. Is it too late to start over?"
So here you want us to believe that a mother, who has just been asked to get her kidnapped daughter's hairbrush to enable a DNA match to be done, would return asking breezily about the colour of her bedroom wall? Has she been heavily sedated? Has she had a full frontal lobotomy that has destroyed all her maternal instincts?
You may argue that that other reviewers disagree with me. I see not all of them do, and the rest, in my opinion, are doing you a great disservice by allowing you to think that this scenario bears any resemblance to what would happen in reality.
It goes on -
With her eyes closed, she asked, "Was she raped?"
"There was no evidence of rape in the SUV." He adjusted his jacket. "All we know is the older couple who owns the SUV had nothing to do with Cassie's abduction."
George touched Sara's arm. "After we get the tan paint, I'll buy lunch."
Sara stared at the front door. "Maybe we should repaint the lilac before dinner."
I want to metaphorically slap this insipid woman and shake her up. In the space of two lines of dialogue she's gone from 'was she raped?' then back to her lilac colour scheme!! NO! NO! NO!
Ask any mother if they would behave like this. If they say they would, call social services immediately and have their children forcibly extracted from their home on the grounds of not having the required nurturing, parental instincts.
I'm sorry. I cannot make this review different and I refuse to gloss over the cracks - no chasms - as other reviewers have. I would be a coward for doing so and you would be a coward for not looking at this entire chapter again and imagining how a parent would be reacting to a kidnapped daughter. They would not even be able to HOLD a paint roller, let alone witter on like Martha Stewart on Valium about colour schemes.
Please take a deep breath and understand that this is not a personal insult. I don't know or even care about you as person so why would I bother to insult you. This is simply an honest review of a piece of writing. My comments are no more harsh than you would get from an agent or a publisher if they agreed with me. Unfortunately, I suspect any agent or publisher who did share my opinion, would toss it on the slush pile and you would never be any the wiser.
With the very best of good wishes - though I doubt you will think so,
Kevin Armes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2011
   |
Dear Barabara,
Like others I find this entire scenario unbelievable. As I think we're all adults here and want to write to the highest standard, I see no reason why I shouldn't be forthright in why I think that.
Even if you want us to suspend our belief and accept that a mother whose daughter is in the hands of kidnappers would start decorating, this dialogue is just unreal. (I've read your note about your friend who does this when she's worried about her husband but that's an entirely different scenario - this girl is ACTUALLY missing.) Let's look at some examples -
"We're no closer to finding Cassie than we were yesterday, are we?" She slapped a roller full of paint against the wall. This sounds like she's discussing something trivial. This is her daughter right?
Sara hurried to Cassie's room and returned. "Here's Cassie's hair brush." She handed it to Joe, then glanced at George. "This lilac would look better in my bedroom. I think the light tan you chose would look better in the living room. Is it too late to start over?"
So here you want us to believe that a mother, who has just been asked to get her kidnapped daughter's hairbrush to enable a DNA match to be done, would return asking breezily about the colour of her bedroom wall? Has she been heavily sedated? Has she had a full frontal lobotomy that has destroyed all her maternal instincts?
You may argue that that other reviewers disagree with me. I see not all of them do, and the rest, in my opinion, are doing you a great disservice by allowing you to think that this scenario bears any resemblance to what would happen in reality.
It goes on -
With her eyes closed, she asked, "Was she raped?"
"There was no evidence of rape in the SUV." He adjusted his jacket. "All we know is the older couple who owns the SUV had nothing to do with Cassie's abduction."
George touched Sara's arm. "After we get the tan paint, I'll buy lunch."
Sara stared at the front door. "Maybe we should repaint the lilac before dinner."
I want to metaphorically slap this insipid woman and shake her up. In the space of two lines of dialogue she's gone from 'was she raped?' then back to her lilac colour scheme!! NO! NO! NO!
Ask any mother if they would behave like this. If they say they would, call social services immediately and have their children forcibly extracted from their home on the grounds of not having the required nurturing, parental instincts.
I'm sorry. I cannot make this review different and I refuse to gloss over the cracks - no chasms - as other reviewers have. I would be a coward for doing so and you would be a coward for not looking at this entire chapter again and imagining how a parent would be reacting to a kidnapped daughter. They would not even be able to HOLD a paint roller, let alone witter on like Martha Stewart on Valium about colour schemes.
Please take a deep breath and understand that this is not a personal insult. I don't know or even care about you as person so why would I bother to insult you. This is simply an honest review of a piece of writing. My comments are no more harsh than you would get from an agent or a publisher if they agreed with me. Unfortunately, I suspect any agent or publisher who did share my opinion, would toss it on the slush pile and you would never be any the wiser.
With the very best of good wishes - though I doubt you will think so,
Kevin Armes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2011
-
Every person has a right to there opinion.
Comment from marcii
I think trying to distract ones mind with occupying it with the painted would be a good idea, though I don't feel that if this was my daughter I'd be able to do it.
Marcii
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2010
|
I think trying to distract ones mind with occupying it with the painted would be a good idea, though I don't feel that if this was my daughter I'd be able to do it.
Marcii
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2010
-
I have a friend, whose husband flies helicopters to transport the special forces unit around. He will get a call anytime of night. If he's not home for breakfast, she turns on CNN to see what part of the world he's in. She paints her house over and over again. That's where I got the idea.
Comment from KayteeF
It just goes to show that when distressed we cannot really make up our mind, hence the changes in the color of the rooms.
At least Sara has good caring company around her.
Once again we are on tenterhooks at the end of this chapter.
Clever tactics and well done.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
|
It just goes to show that when distressed we cannot really make up our mind, hence the changes in the color of the rooms.
At least Sara has good caring company around her.
Once again we are on tenterhooks at the end of this chapter.
Clever tactics and well done.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind reveiw.
Comment from zoocq
As usual...a cliff hanger with waiting for Cassie's whereabouts. I love the painting scene...I picture myself in the same spot and think I would probably wander or write.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
|
As usual...a cliff hanger with waiting for Cassie's whereabouts. I love the painting scene...I picture myself in the same spot and think I would probably wander or write.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your input. I have taken a few hits for the painting scene.
Comment from Mary Faucheux
I'll have to go back and catch up. But looked perfectly fine to me. I enjoyed it very much and look forward to more. Great job.
Mary
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
|
I'll have to go back and catch up. But looked perfectly fine to me. I enjoyed it very much and look forward to more. Great job.
Mary
Comment Written 21-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from marym224
Enjoyed reading this again,Barbara. I like the way you balance the tension, and the romance, with ordinary things like wall painting! The story flows well because of this, and I am looking forward to more. No spags that I can pick up.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
|
Enjoyed reading this again,Barbara. I like the way you balance the tension, and the romance, with ordinary things like wall painting! The story flows well because of this, and I am looking forward to more. No spags that I can pick up.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Tellis
I thought this was a great chapter and I didn't notice any spags. I hope he is on his way to catch and punish those criminals.
Tellis
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
|
I thought this was a great chapter and I didn't notice any spags. I hope he is on his way to catch and punish those criminals.
Tellis
Comment Written 21-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind revwiew.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi bab, poor sara, still not much news on her daughter, causing their relationship to become strained. Hope there'll be good news in the next chapter.
Just two suggestions:
Do you think it's too light?" - I thought it's more suitable to put - Don't you think...
He ran from the house. - this sounds like he's escaping instead of rushing somewhere. How about - He dashed out of the house.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
|
Hi bab, poor sara, still not much news on her daughter, causing their relationship to become strained. Hope there'll be good news in the next chapter.
Just two suggestions:
Do you think it's too light?" - I thought it's more suitable to put - Don't you think...
He ran from the house. - this sounds like he's escaping instead of rushing somewhere. How about - He dashed out of the house.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Barbara, a good chapter with lots of conflict in Sara about Cassie and Joe. It must be hard for her to stand and paint instead of being out there looking for her child.
Now Joe feels a bit sorry for himself.
Luv jada
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
|
Hi Barbara, a good chapter with lots of conflict in Sara about Cassie and Joe. It must be hard for her to stand and paint instead of being out there looking for her child.
Now Joe feels a bit sorry for himself.
Luv jada
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from marcellawachtel
Joe, while still so much interested in Sarah, is really not as self confident as he should be; Sarah is to worried and anxious that Cassie be found, she can't really relate to him- this new clue might change things, once they decipher it. Well written as usual, keeping the reader guessing.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
|
Joe, while still so much interested in Sarah, is really not as self confident as he should be; Sarah is to worried and anxious that Cassie be found, she can't really relate to him- this new clue might change things, once they decipher it. Well written as usual, keeping the reader guessing.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.