Unyielding Trial
on mental health41 total reviews
Comment from Sherman541
I so understand and relate with this. The "Ugly Dog" and monsters. The endless, sleepless nights and dreams. Wanting so bad to get up, to step up, to do, but so unable to do anything. Crying, not hungry, setting in slump that looks more like a chocolate chip type pile or lump. Good Luck and Best Wishes in the Contest. I am sure, it is still on or over. I looked, but did not see. Sherman541
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
  |
I so understand and relate with this. The "Ugly Dog" and monsters. The endless, sleepless nights and dreams. Wanting so bad to get up, to step up, to do, but so unable to do anything. Crying, not hungry, setting in slump that looks more like a chocolate chip type pile or lump. Good Luck and Best Wishes in the Contest. I am sure, it is still on or over. I looked, but did not see. Sherman541
Comment Written 24-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2018
-
Sherman, this is a pleasant surprise, thank you so very much for stopping by to read and review. I am honored..
jlsavell
-
You are most welcome :)
Comment from kiwisteveh
Jimi, this is a powerful and eloquent description of the black dog, depression. perhaps it would be better called prose poetry than freeform and of course the concluding haiku also connects it to the haibun form.
Too many good bits to list here, but here are a few...
The stench of its presence seeps into your pores. Its frayed leash, a rotted albatross of emotional maggots snakes up the ankles. Slithers its way into your soul. Sucks the air. Strangles your life-force without a care.
<>
"You're not a good person! You're not a good person!" sqauwks the cancerous raven, who swoops out of nowhere. The enraptured blackbird of doom and judgement. Flitting and shitting. Infecting your spirit with worthlessnes.
<>
Spin doctors, with white, bloodstained coats and sheepish grins, line the walls with paper and pen. Obedient dogs sit quietly beside, perky ears and lapping tongues. Pills spill, intended to kill...kill the black dog. The grotesque thing which brought you here, with fear to spare.
<>
If you get round to editing this - perhaps for publication, because it deserves it - here are a few thoughts of things you might consider:
They say it, too, laid at Churchill's feet.
<
'fastly closing'
I like the consistent stage metaphor used throughout this 'stanza' but 'fastly' brought me up short. In both meanings of 'fast' , the correct adverb is the same word 'fast'. 'closing fast' would be better, or look for an alternative e.g. 'firmly'.
Its last chorus were the lyrics of an outcaste.
Two things here: were --> was (verb agrees with its subject, not the following object) 'was the lyrics' may sound a little odd, but it is correct. Also, no 'e' on outcast.
Is your raven really 'enraptured'? The word carries connotations of extreme joy (also others, I know) so seems a little out of place.
'extoll' looks like wrong spelling to me. may be an American thing??
Anyway, great piece. happy to give a six despite my few little nits.
Steve
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
 |
Jimi, this is a powerful and eloquent description of the black dog, depression. perhaps it would be better called prose poetry than freeform and of course the concluding haiku also connects it to the haibun form.
Too many good bits to list here, but here are a few...
The stench of its presence seeps into your pores. Its frayed leash, a rotted albatross of emotional maggots snakes up the ankles. Slithers its way into your soul. Sucks the air. Strangles your life-force without a care.
<>
"You're not a good person! You're not a good person!" sqauwks the cancerous raven, who swoops out of nowhere. The enraptured blackbird of doom and judgement. Flitting and shitting. Infecting your spirit with worthlessnes.
<>
Spin doctors, with white, bloodstained coats and sheepish grins, line the walls with paper and pen. Obedient dogs sit quietly beside, perky ears and lapping tongues. Pills spill, intended to kill...kill the black dog. The grotesque thing which brought you here, with fear to spare.
<>
If you get round to editing this - perhaps for publication, because it deserves it - here are a few thoughts of things you might consider:
They say it, too, laid at Churchill's feet.
<
'fastly closing'
I like the consistent stage metaphor used throughout this 'stanza' but 'fastly' brought me up short. In both meanings of 'fast' , the correct adverb is the same word 'fast'. 'closing fast' would be better, or look for an alternative e.g. 'firmly'.
Its last chorus were the lyrics of an outcaste.
Two things here: were --> was (verb agrees with its subject, not the following object) 'was the lyrics' may sound a little odd, but it is correct. Also, no 'e' on outcast.
Is your raven really 'enraptured'? The word carries connotations of extreme joy (also others, I know) so seems a little out of place.
'extoll' looks like wrong spelling to me. may be an American thing??
Anyway, great piece. happy to give a six despite my few little nits.
Steve
Comment Written 07-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
-
Good evening Steve,
Goodness where do I begin. I will begin with a big thank you for not only the six but for the suggestions. I will think again about the blackbird. And make the necessary changes. This is quite humbling, especially since it paid you not one cent to review. Again a big thank you. I seem to be on a fight for the depressed role lately. Do not get me wrong, I am not depressed by a long shot, but there are many I care deeply for which battle so and it appears to be an alarming epidemic. I just want to bring more awareness to it. Again a big thank you Steve,
Jimi
-
My pleasure.
Yes, it does seem almost like an epidemic. We live in a peaceful semi-paradise here in NZ and yet we have one of the highest rates of suicide in the developed world and it is the leading cause of death for the 13 - 23 age group.
Like you I have lived with a sufferer and can appreciate the struggle...
Comment from estory
I thought this was an interesting prose poetry piece. It was very surreal, dream like, or nightmare like, with all those repeating images of the rabid dogs and men in lab coats walking around, haunting and hanging over everything. some of the stanzas were stronger, others weaker. I think the opening was a bit disjointed and the cuts in the lines chopped up the flow a little too much, but the second stanza was stronger, "the bleak hallway" stanza and the "spin doctors" stanza were better too. It seems to work a little better with more alliterations, prose poetry needs something like that to create the musical elements. but the images were real strong and the sense of these fears and anxieties dogging you were nicely rendered estory
|
I thought this was an interesting prose poetry piece. It was very surreal, dream like, or nightmare like, with all those repeating images of the rabid dogs and men in lab coats walking around, haunting and hanging over everything. some of the stanzas were stronger, others weaker. I think the opening was a bit disjointed and the cuts in the lines chopped up the flow a little too much, but the second stanza was stronger, "the bleak hallway" stanza and the "spin doctors" stanza were better too. It seems to work a little better with more alliterations, prose poetry needs something like that to create the musical elements. but the images were real strong and the sense of these fears and anxieties dogging you were nicely rendered estory
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
Comment from smbau
The poet expresses darkness engulfed by clinical depression victims. Readers feel the sadness and very little glimpse of hope to be understood and to get out from the unyielding trial- the black dog. Very educative on a subject many appear to ignore than mention yet is around and among us.
|
The poet expresses darkness engulfed by clinical depression victims. Readers feel the sadness and very little glimpse of hope to be understood and to get out from the unyielding trial- the black dog. Very educative on a subject many appear to ignore than mention yet is around and among us.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem, Unyielding Trial, is presented in a haibun-like format that pairs this free verse with a haiku-esque summary. The subject matter is deep and intense, depicting this ongoing battle with depression. Each stanza in the verse creates a metaphorical scene of phantom doctors with plans and pills, the menace of depression in its beastly form, and the overall sense of frustration with the whole situation. Powerful write.
|
This poem, Unyielding Trial, is presented in a haibun-like format that pairs this free verse with a haiku-esque summary. The subject matter is deep and intense, depicting this ongoing battle with depression. Each stanza in the verse creates a metaphorical scene of phantom doctors with plans and pills, the menace of depression in its beastly form, and the overall sense of frustration with the whole situation. Powerful write.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
Comment from dmt1967
I suffer from depression as well. The way you describe it is very well and I like the black dog symbolism as it is a true one. The hopelessness and loneliness one feels when the jaws clamp onto you and won't let go. Thank you for sharing.
|
I suffer from depression as well. The way you describe it is very well and I like the black dog symbolism as it is a true one. The hopelessness and loneliness one feels when the jaws clamp onto you and won't let go. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
Comment from Charmisa Parker
Wow, it's really amazing how a writer can convey so many emotions by thier work alone. The picture also speaks for itself. I believe it talks about the negative side of life, which I believe emerges our inner demons. Great work!
|
Wow, it's really amazing how a writer can convey so many emotions by thier work alone. The picture also speaks for itself. I believe it talks about the negative side of life, which I believe emerges our inner demons. Great work!
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
Comment from Joy Graham
This is terrific. It feels as though you can see inside my soul. You had me from beginning to end. This is such a relatable subject to many, many readers out there.
- "Swim! Swim! You can do it if you really want (too)" - should that be, "to"?
This is an important subject to share to bring awareness. We are not alone in this world, though it seems that way at times.
|
This is terrific. It feels as though you can see inside my soul. You had me from beginning to end. This is such a relatable subject to many, many readers out there.
- "Swim! Swim! You can do it if you really want (too)" - should that be, "to"?
This is an important subject to share to bring awareness. We are not alone in this world, though it seems that way at times.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2017
Comment from Kingsrookviii
Jimi! Wow, I love this and it was like a slap in the face like a wake up nudge! I truly suppose I'd forgotten just how powerful of a writer that you are. I do suffer from depression, although I have been pretty lucky for some time now; but Christ you hit this out of the effing park. Marvelous use of language, raw and rough, this one is. I tip my hat to you, my friend. Bruce.
|
Jimi! Wow, I love this and it was like a slap in the face like a wake up nudge! I truly suppose I'd forgotten just how powerful of a writer that you are. I do suffer from depression, although I have been pretty lucky for some time now; but Christ you hit this out of the effing park. Marvelous use of language, raw and rough, this one is. I tip my hat to you, my friend. Bruce.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2017
Comment from His Grayness
Wow! This rare and unique writing sure deserves six stars for the education alone, but all I can offer is five and sincere THANK YOU for a great reading experience. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
|
Wow! This rare and unique writing sure deserves six stars for the education alone, but all I can offer is five and sincere THANK YOU for a great reading experience. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
Comment Written 20-Jun-2017