The Three Kings Game
Do not play this game.9 total reviews
Comment from john mallahan
"Off with it's head!" screams to me, not only from the mirrors, but from the depth's of something...Have not lived in a walkup, but have avoided the mirrors. The ones that show themselves when you least suspect. The ones, that not only steal the air from the room, but make it impossible to breath or move. Essences of fear, that I think you captured so brilliantly. And, is any of it ever worth it? Planchet moves when it feel like. We control nothing...
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2019
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"Off with it's head!" screams to me, not only from the mirrors, but from the depth's of something...Have not lived in a walkup, but have avoided the mirrors. The ones that show themselves when you least suspect. The ones, that not only steal the air from the room, but make it impossible to breath or move. Essences of fear, that I think you captured so brilliantly. And, is any of it ever worth it? Planchet moves when it feel like. We control nothing...
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2019
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Aww thank you for this great review. And "is any of it ever worth it" is definitely a question my protagonists like to ask themselves!
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh, my freaking gawd!! Well, it is more than obvious why this was the winner!! You held me spellbound right from the moment I began reading this until the end. This was an absolutely MASTERFUL job, with suspense and intrigue, spun like a web with TERROR and --this is the part the jars me most-- BELIEVABILITY...and I do not ever get into this kind genre what. so. ev. er!! So, a million kudos to you, Brooke. You are the measuring stick by which I will judge every future story of this kind. Wowie. Zowie. Absolutely phenomenal!! xo
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2019
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Oh, my freaking gawd!! Well, it is more than obvious why this was the winner!! You held me spellbound right from the moment I began reading this until the end. This was an absolutely MASTERFUL job, with suspense and intrigue, spun like a web with TERROR and --this is the part the jars me most-- BELIEVABILITY...and I do not ever get into this kind genre what. so. ev. er!! So, a million kudos to you, Brooke. You are the measuring stick by which I will judge every future story of this kind. Wowie. Zowie. Absolutely phenomenal!! xo
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2019
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Haha thank you for your kind words!! What an amazing compliment! Hopefully you will become a more regular reader of this genre :)
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2019
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 05-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2019
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Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!
Comment from Sam Frearson-Tubito
Hi there, wow. I was gripped from the very beginning. I absolutely loved this piece. My heart is still beating fast. Good luck with the contest. Very well written story.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Hi there, wow. I was gripped from the very beginning. I absolutely loved this piece. My heart is still beating fast. Good luck with the contest. Very well written story.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Thank you SO much for taking the time to read and leave such a nice review! I really appreciate it!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you may struggle to get a decent amount of reviews or in-depth reviews for this piece due to the length. As sad to say, the average post is less than 1000 words on site. You can get reviews for longer pieces but they need to be promoted much better with a bigger payout otherwise folk wander over to poetry and review six words for the same money as your over 6000 word story.
It may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for dialogue can make for a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen. It is something of a convention on site. Also, many folk simply skip over large blocks of unbroken text.
'she's here, she's here. If you're watching this, it's too late for us.' - maybe start this with a capital.
Be careful of our adverb usage. It's by no means excessive but when you do use them, they tend to come on pairs or small clumps. This makes them stand out.
New York City real estate as an "efficiency kitchen," - It's normally best to use different marks to differentiate from dialogue.
There, I thought. That should tide me over long enough to do some preliminary research.- it may be preferable to use a comma following thought here rather than a full stop / period.
. Because they haven't gotten laid in awhile." - in this instance it would be a while, I think.
One thing that struck me was that there was never a purpose given for the game. To what end?
The rules don't make sense if you can't blow out the candle before 4:34 then why would there be no repercussions for this - f anything should happen to your body during the ritual, the fan will blow out the candle and the ritual will end, bringing you back to safety. This is essence is like blowing the candle out early.
moving to my divorc�©e palace uptown, - needs edited for code.
It was all so terribly clich�©. - and here as well.
She would just be settling into her work day. - workday could be a single word here.
My waist-length blond hair--always my best feature - generally speaking blonde for female, blond for male.
pimple-free in my teen years, and was wrinkle-free now - unnecessary comma here.
aybe I had been half asleep when I answered the phone and had dreamt the whole thing. I decided not to check my call log, in the event that it would refute that theory.- she already had checked the call log to discover there was no caller ID.
It was two feelings together: fight-or-flight meets a leaden feeling of dread- technically this would be three feelings...
. It was a unfamiliar, and physically uncomfortable, - this doesn't scan well. I would suggest deleting 'a' from in front of uncomfortable.
My hardcover copy of Infinite Jest was the closest thing I could reach.- where was this. Earlier in the story there's nothing in the bedroom except a bed and side table. Given she also had a laptop, candle, phone and lighter in there, where was the big book?
disappointedly at the meager offerings of my apartment. - meagre?
Everything was eerily dark and still.- how was it still dark if she'd turned on all of her lights? It isn't until later they go out.
The phone, in spite of having been fully charged, was dead. Upon opening the laptop, its faithful glow greeted me.- why would the phone be dead and the laptop not? Also there's no indication that the phone had been charged since it had been used earlier that day or the previous night.
"No, no, no, no....." On the Ides, the King must die. - when using the ellipsis no more than four dots.
By the time she walked from the doorway to the side of my bed- this would have taken no time at all given the description of the room size earlier.
When people were together in the same place, the spirits could still scare them -- like they had the weak-minded YouTubers, almost to death -- but they could not harm them. - this seems too convenient. Why would this be the case? I think it would be better to leave it as a mystery, unexplained as the reasoning is weak here.
And then, there was nothing in my head or body.
I could hear banging at my apartment door, and the buzzer rang repeatedly. The noise was distorted, as if it was traveling underwater, but I could tell it was Joe's voice. - this doesn't really add up. if there was nothing in the head or body how could this be heard and related?
Near the ending with going inside the mirror could do with a little more clarity in the write.
I think you have something here. There's an eeriness and a peculiar, suitable tone to the proceedings. Some of the descriptions are excellent and the mood is very apt. I do think, though, that it needs some ironing out in terms of cohesion, and reasoning as well as a few technicalities as detailed above.
best of luck
GMG
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
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Hi there,
I think you may struggle to get a decent amount of reviews or in-depth reviews for this piece due to the length. As sad to say, the average post is less than 1000 words on site. You can get reviews for longer pieces but they need to be promoted much better with a bigger payout otherwise folk wander over to poetry and review six words for the same money as your over 6000 word story.
It may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for dialogue can make for a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen. It is something of a convention on site. Also, many folk simply skip over large blocks of unbroken text.
'she's here, she's here. If you're watching this, it's too late for us.' - maybe start this with a capital.
Be careful of our adverb usage. It's by no means excessive but when you do use them, they tend to come on pairs or small clumps. This makes them stand out.
New York City real estate as an "efficiency kitchen," - It's normally best to use different marks to differentiate from dialogue.
There, I thought. That should tide me over long enough to do some preliminary research.- it may be preferable to use a comma following thought here rather than a full stop / period.
. Because they haven't gotten laid in awhile." - in this instance it would be a while, I think.
One thing that struck me was that there was never a purpose given for the game. To what end?
The rules don't make sense if you can't blow out the candle before 4:34 then why would there be no repercussions for this - f anything should happen to your body during the ritual, the fan will blow out the candle and the ritual will end, bringing you back to safety. This is essence is like blowing the candle out early.
moving to my divorc�©e palace uptown, - needs edited for code.
It was all so terribly clich�©. - and here as well.
She would just be settling into her work day. - workday could be a single word here.
My waist-length blond hair--always my best feature - generally speaking blonde for female, blond for male.
pimple-free in my teen years, and was wrinkle-free now - unnecessary comma here.
aybe I had been half asleep when I answered the phone and had dreamt the whole thing. I decided not to check my call log, in the event that it would refute that theory.- she already had checked the call log to discover there was no caller ID.
It was two feelings together: fight-or-flight meets a leaden feeling of dread- technically this would be three feelings...
. It was a unfamiliar, and physically uncomfortable, - this doesn't scan well. I would suggest deleting 'a' from in front of uncomfortable.
My hardcover copy of Infinite Jest was the closest thing I could reach.- where was this. Earlier in the story there's nothing in the bedroom except a bed and side table. Given she also had a laptop, candle, phone and lighter in there, where was the big book?
disappointedly at the meager offerings of my apartment. - meagre?
Everything was eerily dark and still.- how was it still dark if she'd turned on all of her lights? It isn't until later they go out.
The phone, in spite of having been fully charged, was dead. Upon opening the laptop, its faithful glow greeted me.- why would the phone be dead and the laptop not? Also there's no indication that the phone had been charged since it had been used earlier that day or the previous night.
"No, no, no, no....." On the Ides, the King must die. - when using the ellipsis no more than four dots.
By the time she walked from the doorway to the side of my bed- this would have taken no time at all given the description of the room size earlier.
When people were together in the same place, the spirits could still scare them -- like they had the weak-minded YouTubers, almost to death -- but they could not harm them. - this seems too convenient. Why would this be the case? I think it would be better to leave it as a mystery, unexplained as the reasoning is weak here.
And then, there was nothing in my head or body.
I could hear banging at my apartment door, and the buzzer rang repeatedly. The noise was distorted, as if it was traveling underwater, but I could tell it was Joe's voice. - this doesn't really add up. if there was nothing in the head or body how could this be heard and related?
Near the ending with going inside the mirror could do with a little more clarity in the write.
I think you have something here. There's an eeriness and a peculiar, suitable tone to the proceedings. Some of the descriptions are excellent and the mood is very apt. I do think, though, that it needs some ironing out in terms of cohesion, and reasoning as well as a few technicalities as detailed above.
best of luck
GMG
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to provide this thorough and thoughtful feedback. I really appreciate it!
Comment from F. Wehr3
I don't believe I've read your work before, but I have to say I was entertained by it. Good storytelling and unique. You build up the attention throughout and make a fully fleshed out character, someone we'll actually care about. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
First, I'd highly recommend you add a space between all of your paragraphs. This helps with reading on this site. It has to be done manually, a pain but well worth it for the reader.
I'd really like if you revised the piece and use one verb tense instead of switching back and forth from present to past. (Excluding dialogue)
Because they haven't gotten laid in awhile." --Pretty sure it's a while.
moving to my divorc�©e palace
It was all so terribly clich�©. --just two words that have code in them.
I think you have a good shot at winning this contest. Good luck!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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I don't believe I've read your work before, but I have to say I was entertained by it. Good storytelling and unique. You build up the attention throughout and make a fully fleshed out character, someone we'll actually care about. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
First, I'd highly recommend you add a space between all of your paragraphs. This helps with reading on this site. It has to be done manually, a pain but well worth it for the reader.
I'd really like if you revised the piece and use one verb tense instead of switching back and forth from present to past. (Excluding dialogue)
Because they haven't gotten laid in awhile." --Pretty sure it's a while.
moving to my divorc�©e palace
It was all so terribly clich�©. --just two words that have code in them.
I think you have a good shot at winning this contest. Good luck!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 08-May-2019
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Thank you for this feedback!! I?m terrible with formatting on this site! It?s the most consistent feedback I receive....hopefully one day I?ll figure it out 🤦♀️ Thank you, again!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Wow, what a great ride! This story is unique and very well written. You had me enthralled from the first word to the last! I have no 6 to offer you, but would if I could.
Nicely penned, but you need to go through and clean up the gremlin messes. I didn't tag them for you, but I think there were two. Does it to me all the time.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Wow, what a great ride! This story is unique and very well written. You had me enthralled from the first word to the last! I have no 6 to offer you, but would if I could.
Nicely penned, but you need to go through and clean up the gremlin messes. I didn't tag them for you, but I think there were two. Does it to me all the time.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 08-May-2019
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Thank you SO much! And yes....the gremlin messes plague me!!
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It was a great story, and how I know about the pesky gremlin!!
Comment from Tpa
This item is absolutely perfect for me. I must enjoy every single aspect of the item. I must leave that particular item and feel like I would tell someone about it, think about it or refer to it with confidence later during the day. The Author has paid particular attention to the language used and the words were chosen. Every single grammar issue has been resolved and there are no spelling mistakes. I would highly recommend this item to a friend.
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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This item is absolutely perfect for me. I must enjoy every single aspect of the item. I must leave that particular item and feel like I would tell someone about it, think about it or refer to it with confidence later during the day. The Author has paid particular attention to the language used and the words were chosen. Every single grammar issue has been resolved and there are no spelling mistakes. I would highly recommend this item to a friend.
Comment Written 08-May-2019
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Wow!!! Thank you for this amazing praise! My head will not fit through the door 😂
Comment from Cybertron1986
I'm at work right now, but I can't stop reading this. So, I bookmarked it to enjoy it tonight. I'm just going ahead to give you a deserving six star ratings prior to me finishing this. I love this kind of stuff. Your story has an original feel to it. I don't encounter good horror/thriller stories such as this. Being that it's morning now, I look forward to having a frightful read tonight. Already have the goosebumps. Great write!!!
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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I'm at work right now, but I can't stop reading this. So, I bookmarked it to enjoy it tonight. I'm just going ahead to give you a deserving six star ratings prior to me finishing this. I love this kind of stuff. Your story has an original feel to it. I don't encounter good horror/thriller stories such as this. Being that it's morning now, I look forward to having a frightful read tonight. Already have the goosebumps. Great write!!!
Comment Written 08-May-2019
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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I know I sent a message earlier, but I just wanted to thank you again 💖