Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "storm warning"A book of Poetry & Writing
178 total reviews
Comment from Peter Burger
Yeah, it's me again. I see you changed settings. Refreshing. I like your other poem better. You might want to somehow separate "mountain" and "all" with a punctuation. It's two separate ideas unclearly merged. "carries me high warm smiling faces." Sounds awkward.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Yeah, it's me again. I see you changed settings. Refreshing. I like your other poem better. You might want to somehow separate "mountain" and "all" with a punctuation. It's two separate ideas unclearly merged. "carries me high warm smiling faces." Sounds awkward.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank for the comments peter
Comment from rama devi
HI Gary--
This is a beautiful and well penned poem. I enjoyed reading it. Sounds wonderful read aloud. The cadence and rhyming are excellent and the theme and circumstance skillfully depicted. Love the closing on the high note of grace.
I would love to see this shine to its full potential, and on a technical level I it needs some fine tuning.
It works fine to have minimal punctuaiton, avoiding periods. But there are a few spots where the missing in-line punctuation gives a bump in the flow and makes the reader have to read twice to get the pauses. Since you have in-line punctuaiton elsewhere, I think if you add it in these spots noted below it would improve the flow and fix the spag issues.
Also, as you have opted not to use periods or caps in all sentences except the first and last, it is my humble suggestion for your consideration to avoid the cap in first line and period in last line in order to keep it consistent.
Reviewing notes and suggestions- (in parenthesis)
As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm has found me out on my own
this sea is a mountain I'll have to fly(,) white caps of fury, so hard to survive
screams'(no ') from this monster advise me to go hide, but no place to run as time's on her side
a crack from the mainsails, mast down to stay, dead in the water, no time to pray
calls to the coastguard, no one to hear,(;) lights in the night sky, as flares drift (remove extra space) so clear
radios stop working, time being denied, water is freezing as I push outside
swim from the rigging as she turns to die, slowly slips under(dash or semicolon) I say goodbye
time has stopped ticking in her watery grave, I'm all alone with this monstrous rage
danger has passed me, I'm out of fight, flashes of my loved ones revolve through this night
slipping beneath now, tears fill my eyes thinking of love(d) ones I leave far behind
but someone has caught me, carries me high(,) warm smiling faces with glows in their eyes
I have come home now, at rest in this place(;) T(t)he Sea, and its Sailors, we sail in God's grace.
one more suggestion-
screams' from this monster advise me to go hide,
Slightly bumpy cadence in this line when read aloud. Removing one syllable might fix it---maybe try-
screams' from this monster advise me to hide,
the intensity of the circumstance and emotional charge is tangibly felt while reading,. A superb poem---would love to see it polished!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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HI Gary--
This is a beautiful and well penned poem. I enjoyed reading it. Sounds wonderful read aloud. The cadence and rhyming are excellent and the theme and circumstance skillfully depicted. Love the closing on the high note of grace.
I would love to see this shine to its full potential, and on a technical level I it needs some fine tuning.
It works fine to have minimal punctuaiton, avoiding periods. But there are a few spots where the missing in-line punctuation gives a bump in the flow and makes the reader have to read twice to get the pauses. Since you have in-line punctuaiton elsewhere, I think if you add it in these spots noted below it would improve the flow and fix the spag issues.
Also, as you have opted not to use periods or caps in all sentences except the first and last, it is my humble suggestion for your consideration to avoid the cap in first line and period in last line in order to keep it consistent.
Reviewing notes and suggestions- (in parenthesis)
As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm has found me out on my own
this sea is a mountain I'll have to fly(,) white caps of fury, so hard to survive
screams'(no ') from this monster advise me to go hide, but no place to run as time's on her side
a crack from the mainsails, mast down to stay, dead in the water, no time to pray
calls to the coastguard, no one to hear,(;) lights in the night sky, as flares drift (remove extra space) so clear
radios stop working, time being denied, water is freezing as I push outside
swim from the rigging as she turns to die, slowly slips under(dash or semicolon) I say goodbye
time has stopped ticking in her watery grave, I'm all alone with this monstrous rage
danger has passed me, I'm out of fight, flashes of my loved ones revolve through this night
slipping beneath now, tears fill my eyes thinking of love(d) ones I leave far behind
but someone has caught me, carries me high(,) warm smiling faces with glows in their eyes
I have come home now, at rest in this place(;) T(t)he Sea, and its Sailors, we sail in God's grace.
one more suggestion-
screams' from this monster advise me to go hide,
Slightly bumpy cadence in this line when read aloud. Removing one syllable might fix it---maybe try-
screams' from this monster advise me to hide,
the intensity of the circumstance and emotional charge is tangibly felt while reading,. A superb poem---would love to see it polished!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thanks for your welcome review rama devi and the comments i will get around to make the change when i get back from offshore Gary
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Thanks for your nice reply, Gary. How exciting that you are offshore! The ocean is a poem in itself---no wonder you write great poems!
Warmly, rd
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thanks again rd yes sometimes i need help when writing...Gary
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You already have talent, passion and originality.
Technique and craft will come with time and experience. I am pleased to see more receptivity on your part to the constructive critique process--that is where the real value in reviewing comes, not in empty stars! When I look at my own poetry five years back, i'd give it three stars---mediocre even when spag free. it is because of the critique process that my own writing has grown and the feedback from experienced reviewers is a big factor in my own progress. I just like to pass on what was given to me freely.
Sometimes when first coming here people think a lower rating with feedback is hurtful---destructive. Actually, CONSTRUCTIVE CritICISM is just that---positive and helpful!
You show great potential, Gary!
Keep up the great work.
Warmly, rd
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made all the change and reissued thanks
Comment from zoocq
Absolutely beautiful...sad and scary at the same time. It is almost an analogy of how we struggle our way through life...until we let go and seek help from a higher source. Wonderful!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Absolutely beautiful...sad and scary at the same time. It is almost an analogy of how we struggle our way through life...until we let go and seek help from a higher source. Wonderful!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you zoocq for your review and comments GW
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Wow!
I am impressed!
I love the sound of your words.
They flow so well, and smooth.
I would give you another 6 star but I just gave you my last one on your other poem.
I like the photo.
Nice title.
Good rhymes.
I like every word but especially the first 4 lines and the last 2 lines of your poem.
2 spags: 3rd line: screams' should be screams
4th line from the bottom: love ones should be loved ones
Great job.
Kathryn
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Wow!
I am impressed!
I love the sound of your words.
They flow so well, and smooth.
I would give you another 6 star but I just gave you my last one on your other poem.
I like the photo.
Nice title.
Good rhymes.
I like every word but especially the first 4 lines and the last 2 lines of your poem.
2 spags: 3rd line: screams' should be screams
4th line from the bottom: love ones should be loved ones
Great job.
Kathryn
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you for your welcome comments and review Kathryn
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you're welcome.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
What a beautiful and sad, in many ways, poem. From the very beginning you are able to capture the attention of the readers. The metaphors in this writing are just the perfect ones to defined all the storms situation and your tension and feeling... Is this poem autobiographical?
Thank you very much for sharing, I really liked it!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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What a beautiful and sad, in many ways, poem. From the very beginning you are able to capture the attention of the readers. The metaphors in this writing are just the perfect ones to defined all the storms situation and your tension and feeling... Is this poem autobiographical?
Thank you very much for sharing, I really liked it!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you for your welcome review and comments Auroraboreal GW
Comment from luisestable
The problem here and there are one of two, or I should say one of the problems is that I do not know if this should be a poem, a prose poem, or a piece of prose. It was in the poetry category, so maybe you intended it to be a poem, what kind I do not know. It reads like a piece of prose in construction and division of lines and also in the punctuation and length of the lines of sentences, for they are more like sentences than poetic lines.
The language is not bad, but the division of this is more indicative of prose writing than an good attempt to try to write poetry.
Take care now!
Luis
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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The problem here and there are one of two, or I should say one of the problems is that I do not know if this should be a poem, a prose poem, or a piece of prose. It was in the poetry category, so maybe you intended it to be a poem, what kind I do not know. It reads like a piece of prose in construction and division of lines and also in the punctuation and length of the lines of sentences, for they are more like sentences than poetic lines.
The language is not bad, but the division of this is more indicative of prose writing than an good attempt to try to write poetry.
Take care now!
Luis
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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great Luis now i need to come read some of your
Comment from medicnate
A very well written poem that keeps the readers interested and wanting more. The poem flows well and gets its point across. Very well done.
~medicnate~
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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A very well written poem that keeps the readers interested and wanting more. The poem flows well and gets its point across. Very well done.
~medicnate~
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you medicnate
Comment from jwlee211
I really like your descriptions of the storm. I also can feel the frustration and the worry of the character in the midst of the storm Great work
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I really like your descriptions of the storm. I also can feel the frustration and the worry of the character in the midst of the storm Great work
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you jw for the review
Comment from jason456
What a frightening, yet tender and sad, message in a beautifully written poem. I can feel you words and your faith as I read this. Great job!
Patti :)
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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What a frightening, yet tender and sad, message in a beautifully written poem. I can feel you words and your faith as I read this. Great job!
Patti :)
Comment Written 13-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you Patti for the review and comment
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It was my pleasure. Patti :)
Comment from Kellytr
deepwater, I have friends who have had a similar experience. It must be one of the most frightening scenarios, to find yourself in an vast ocean at the mercy of nature and especially at night. You tell this story well - a great build up to the final rescue. Well done! Kelly
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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deepwater, I have friends who have had a similar experience. It must be one of the most frightening scenarios, to find yourself in an vast ocean at the mercy of nature and especially at night. You tell this story well - a great build up to the final rescue. Well done! Kelly
Comment Written 13-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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thank you Kelly for your review