Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "storm warning"A book of Poetry & Writing
178 total reviews
Comment from Peter@Poole
This is a well composed poem but with some grammatical errors, so I've indicated them below. I like your use of internal rhyme and near rhyme.
~~~~~
As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm has found me out on my own
This sea is a mountain, I'll have to fly white caps of fury, so hard to survive
[Screams'](Screams) from this monster advise me to go hide, but no place to run as [times](time's] on her side
A crack from the mainsails, mast down to stay, dead in the water, no time to pray
Calls to the coastguard, no one to hear, lights in the night sky, as flares drift so clear
[Radios stop working](Radio's stopped working), time being denied, water is freezing as I push outside
Swim from the rigging as she turns to die, slowly [slip's](slips) under (as) I say goodbye
Time has stopped ticking in her watery grave, I'm all alone with this monstrous rage
Danger has passed me, I'm out of fight, flashes of my [love](loved) ones revolve through this night
Slipping beneath now, tears [feel](fill) my eyes thinking of [love](loved) ones I leave far behind
But someone has caught me, [carry's](carries) me high warm smiling faces with glows in their eyes
I have come home now, at rest in this place. The Sea, and its Sailors, we sail to the end [This last line is not clear; sailors sail but seas do not]
~~~~~
You've got some issues regarding plurals and possessives, such as, for example, 'the dogs raced', where dogs is plural, and 'the dog's bone', where the bone belongs to the dog. If it had been, 'the dogs' bone', that would have indicated that more than one dog owned the bone. I don't think it spoils your poetry but it would improve it if you mastered this. You're honest in your bio about grammar and spelling. If you want to check for grammar and stuff before you post, just pm me, Peter
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
  |
This is a well composed poem but with some grammatical errors, so I've indicated them below. I like your use of internal rhyme and near rhyme.
~~~~~
As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm has found me out on my own
This sea is a mountain, I'll have to fly white caps of fury, so hard to survive
[Screams'](Screams) from this monster advise me to go hide, but no place to run as [times](time's] on her side
A crack from the mainsails, mast down to stay, dead in the water, no time to pray
Calls to the coastguard, no one to hear, lights in the night sky, as flares drift so clear
[Radios stop working](Radio's stopped working), time being denied, water is freezing as I push outside
Swim from the rigging as she turns to die, slowly [slip's](slips) under (as) I say goodbye
Time has stopped ticking in her watery grave, I'm all alone with this monstrous rage
Danger has passed me, I'm out of fight, flashes of my [love](loved) ones revolve through this night
Slipping beneath now, tears [feel](fill) my eyes thinking of [love](loved) ones I leave far behind
But someone has caught me, [carry's](carries) me high warm smiling faces with glows in their eyes
I have come home now, at rest in this place. The Sea, and its Sailors, we sail to the end [This last line is not clear; sailors sail but seas do not]
~~~~~
You've got some issues regarding plurals and possessives, such as, for example, 'the dogs raced', where dogs is plural, and 'the dog's bone', where the bone belongs to the dog. If it had been, 'the dogs' bone', that would have indicated that more than one dog owned the bone. I don't think it spoils your poetry but it would improve it if you mastered this. You're honest in your bio about grammar and spelling. If you want to check for grammar and stuff before you post, just pm me, Peter
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
thanks peter
Comment from fictionwriter
Nice to know that the ghost ships are out there to save those drowning sailors. I'd rather slip away and go to heaven, but I guess to sailor the sea is heaven. Great job.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
|
Nice to know that the ghost ships are out there to save those drowning sailors. I'd rather slip away and go to heaven, but I guess to sailor the sea is heaven. Great job.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
thank you fictionwriter, GW
Comment from Charlene0513
To deepwater,
A poem which dramatizies the events of someone at war with the sea but the struggle is lost as he finds himself a sunder.
Very explosive odyssey with a great deal of poignant and powerful trials to overcome.
One error:
1)As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm ["have"omit] (has) found me out on my own
Charlene
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
|
To deepwater,
A poem which dramatizies the events of someone at war with the sea but the struggle is lost as he finds himself a sunder.
Very explosive odyssey with a great deal of poignant and powerful trials to overcome.
One error:
1)As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm ["have"omit] (has) found me out on my own
Charlene
Comment Written 20-May-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
-
thank you for your welcome comment Charlene, GW
Comment from missy98writer
deepwater,
Wonderful poem you've written. Great imagery and descriptive writing. Awesome art work you used. Excellent rhymes and very good narrative. I love the lines:
As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm have found me out on my own
This sea is a mountain, I'll have to fly white caps of fury, so hard to survive
Screams' from this monster advise me to go hide, but no place to run as times on her side
A crack from the mainsails, mast down to stay, dead in the water, no time to pray
You're a very talented writer. You've written another fabulous poem. . .Melissa!
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
|
deepwater,
Wonderful poem you've written. Great imagery and descriptive writing. Awesome art work you used. Excellent rhymes and very good narrative. I love the lines:
As I sail this moonlit sea to home, a storm have found me out on my own
This sea is a mountain, I'll have to fly white caps of fury, so hard to survive
Screams' from this monster advise me to go hide, but no place to run as times on her side
A crack from the mainsails, mast down to stay, dead in the water, no time to pray
You're a very talented writer. You've written another fabulous poem. . .Melissa!
Comment Written 20-May-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
-
thank you Melissa for reading Gary
Comment from Kingsland
a storm have found me out on my own> has not have
Danger has pass me,>passed
You really present some excellent imagery in this piece of poetic art. I could see a lot of what was transpiring as a I read this poem. This was just a delight piece of poetic art to have read and written a review for... John
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
|
a storm have found me out on my own> has not have
Danger has pass me,>passed
You really present some excellent imagery in this piece of poetic art. I could see a lot of what was transpiring as a I read this poem. This was just a delight piece of poetic art to have read and written a review for... John
Comment Written 20-May-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
-
thank you john and for the comments
Comment from Nicki_Mist
That's one place i do not want to be in a storm is the water! I have sen the true storys on TV and it so scary during storms. You did a lovely job with imagery and creativeness in this. Great job.
Nicole
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
|
That's one place i do not want to be in a storm is the water! I have sen the true storys on TV and it so scary during storms. You did a lovely job with imagery and creativeness in this. Great job.
Nicole
Comment Written 20-May-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
-
thank you Nicki
Comment from geraldine
A good and enjoyable tale made real in rhyme. A few small problems at the beginning that need looking at to aid the flow. Line 1 do you mean to say 'a storm has found me out on my own. Line 2 I think the second comma is is the wrong place. Line 3 might flow a little smoother with 'as time is on her side'.
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
 |
A good and enjoyable tale made real in rhyme. A few small problems at the beginning that need looking at to aid the flow. Line 1 do you mean to say 'a storm has found me out on my own. Line 2 I think the second comma is is the wrong place. Line 3 might flow a little smoother with 'as time is on her side'.
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
-
thanks for the comments I will look at the change
Comment from Valkarie
I like this because...It has an emotional feel about it and is very concise and has a good flow and artistic expression. The poem on the whole has a good balance which captures the rhythm and reasoning of this poem making it a very enigmatic piece.
Valkarie...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
|
I like this because...It has an emotional feel about it and is very concise and has a good flow and artistic expression. The poem on the whole has a good balance which captures the rhythm and reasoning of this poem making it a very enigmatic piece.
Valkarie...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
-
Thank you