In Plain Sight
Lurking...28 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This was a hell of a story about the collapse of a well-structured life into some form of breakdown. The only section I felt needed a bit more work was the rhyme. This started out extremely powerfully, but then shrank into slight triteness as it felt as though forcing of the rhyme became too much of a driving force. This is a shame as it deserves a deeper poem than this. kay
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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This was a hell of a story about the collapse of a well-structured life into some form of breakdown. The only section I felt needed a bit more work was the rhyme. This started out extremely powerfully, but then shrank into slight triteness as it felt as though forcing of the rhyme became too much of a driving force. This is a shame as it deserves a deeper poem than this. kay
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Have you ever read kids rhyming books...? they're absolutely atrocious. I have hundreds to them. That's the point of it. A deeper more nuanced 'older' poem would take away the point of that section. At least that's what one of the publishers told me a few years back, so I'll go with that! lol
Much appreciated. G
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Ah, okay. Kids books: I only ever bought ones I could bear to live with after a couple of early gifts that drove us mad . The worst ones for parents seemed to be the ones my daughter loved best (my son had better taste) kay
Comment from estory
Brilliant job with this. I loved it from beginning to end. You had plenty of eerie suspense, in that whispering voice, 'Joe, Joe..' and the shadow that is a part of him, that he can't run away from, a super symbol of one's inner fears. These are the monsters under all our beds, the ones in the closet, behind the door...estory
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Brilliant job with this. I loved it from beginning to end. You had plenty of eerie suspense, in that whispering voice, 'Joe, Joe..' and the shadow that is a part of him, that he can't run away from, a super symbol of one's inner fears. These are the monsters under all our beds, the ones in the closet, behind the door...estory
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Many thanks for another great response to this piece. Much appreciated, as always. G
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Imagination fanning the flames of a titchy spark inside his mind - brilliant! So are:
His muse and imagination running away together
It sounds like Joe has a mental illness that has been with him all of his life and rears its ugly head in times of stress.
This is one of the best things I've read here on FS. It is so well told - the suspense mounts slowly and the action is crazy-good! Of course, that shadow will always be with him.
I regret I don't have six stars for you, as this actually deserves that and more. Great read!
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Imagination fanning the flames of a titchy spark inside his mind - brilliant! So are:
His muse and imagination running away together
It sounds like Joe has a mental illness that has been with him all of his life and rears its ugly head in times of stress.
This is one of the best things I've read here on FS. It is so well told - the suspense mounts slowly and the action is crazy-good! Of course, that shadow will always be with him.
I regret I don't have six stars for you, as this actually deserves that and more. Great read!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Many thanks for your thoughts on this one. I actually wrote this about six years ago and it's been sitting in an old computer I hadn't touched in years. lol Much appreciated. G
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Wow, this is akin to "I just happen to have this old rag hanging in my closet still."
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lol. That's true. I have a habit of not throwing anything away in regards to my writing. I had some truly horrendous pieces but they had good ideas or snippets of writing I didn't know what to do with and then pull them out years later and alter or clean them up. I have files and files of bits & pieces and unfinished work as well as stuff that is. That's my advise to anyone, no matter how bad you think something is, don't throw it away (same with sections edited out of work)
Comment from Frank Malley
When imagination reigns, sometimes ordinary things become threatening. A typewriter, one's own shadow - these things can become terrifying when imagination, and perhaps realities we only guess at, snatch off the appropriate garments of sanity to reveal something foreboding. "In Plain Sight" achieves a darkness of tone that adds some chilling descriptions to the narrative; all in all, it's an excellent scary piece. I do think that the effect could've been achieved with fewer words. (As a small criticism, I think it's a little incredible to use the word 'enjoyed' in "Joe enjoyed the stillness." Maybe 'Joe breathed deeply amid the utter stillness.'
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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When imagination reigns, sometimes ordinary things become threatening. A typewriter, one's own shadow - these things can become terrifying when imagination, and perhaps realities we only guess at, snatch off the appropriate garments of sanity to reveal something foreboding. "In Plain Sight" achieves a darkness of tone that adds some chilling descriptions to the narrative; all in all, it's an excellent scary piece. I do think that the effect could've been achieved with fewer words. (As a small criticism, I think it's a little incredible to use the word 'enjoyed' in "Joe enjoyed the stillness." Maybe 'Joe breathed deeply amid the utter stillness.'
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Hi Frank, many thanks for your thoughts on this one. I can see what you mean about enjoyed, although I used it in the sense of having possession of and taking benefit from as opposed to elation, but I'll have a think about it.
All the best
G
Comment from royowen
Ah hah, of course it's underneath you. I was trying to remember a story of someone's shadow becoming a haunting presence. I do remember a Peter Pan story where he lost his shadow, who refused to be part of him, but hee hee hah, it can't, I wonder if the "dark" half, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Ah hah, of course it's underneath you. I was trying to remember a story of someone's shadow becoming a haunting presence. I do remember a Peter Pan story where he lost his shadow, who refused to be part of him, but hee hee hah, it can't, I wonder if the "dark" half, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Many thanks , Roy. Always appreciated. G
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Bless you
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
So, this guy's dark side is really his shadow. :) Good story, drew me right in and you did an excellent job of building tension with the tone of unseen and unknown threats. Your description of Joe running through the rain and chasing the shadow away on the baseball diamond was almost cinematic. I only had one slightly picky issue, (see the note below), otherwise...loved the whole thing. Well done.
"Attached, if you will." I don't think you need the if you will...just say "Attached." To the point and punchy.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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So, this guy's dark side is really his shadow. :) Good story, drew me right in and you did an excellent job of building tension with the tone of unseen and unknown threats. Your description of Joe running through the rain and chasing the shadow away on the baseball diamond was almost cinematic. I only had one slightly picky issue, (see the note below), otherwise...loved the whole thing. Well done.
"Attached, if you will." I don't think you need the if you will...just say "Attached." To the point and punchy.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Many thanks, I'll have a look at that section again. G
Comment from Ulla
Gareth, that was a very well written spook. I loved it. This good Joe was really taken on a ride. I loved it.
Only found one thing: he thought he even hear it = heard it.
Great story as always. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Gareth, that was a very well written spook. I loved it. This good Joe was really taken on a ride. I loved it.
Only found one thing: he thought he even hear it = heard it.
Great story as always. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Many thanks, Ulla. I've fixed that word several times and doesn't seem to take! lol G
Comment from Mary Shifman
Well, that is really a creepy story. It's fast paced and keeps one's interest. I kept hoping that Joe would escape but the poor guy didn't make it. I liked the poem, too. Nice job.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Well, that is really a creepy story. It's fast paced and keeps one's interest. I kept hoping that Joe would escape but the poor guy didn't make it. I liked the poem, too. Nice job.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Many thanks, once again, Mary. G
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You are welcome.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is extremely well written and very frightening. Of course, horror is supposed to frighten us and this one surely did, at least me. Thank you for sharing your talent with us.
He thought he even hear it. (heard??)
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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This is extremely well written and very frightening. Of course, horror is supposed to frighten us and this one surely did, at least me. Thank you for sharing your talent with us.
He thought he even hear it. (heard??)
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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I hate that word. I've corrected it several times and it keeps coming back! lol many thanks, barbara. G
Comment from BethShelby
This seems be a decent into madness for a blocked writer. Maybe it started when Christie left him. He becomes obcessed with the shadow which is attached to him and seems to be taunting him. He asks himself if he is going crazy. I think the answer is yes. The author is thinking back to his childhood to when his father was about to chase away the demons that haunted him at bedtime. His father is gone and he is alone with no one to dispel them.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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This seems be a decent into madness for a blocked writer. Maybe it started when Christie left him. He becomes obcessed with the shadow which is attached to him and seems to be taunting him. He asks himself if he is going crazy. I think the answer is yes. The author is thinking back to his childhood to when his father was about to chase away the demons that haunted him at bedtime. His father is gone and he is alone with no one to dispel them.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Much appreciated, as always, Beth. G