What We See
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "What We See - Chapter 6B"A wrongly accused teacher reinvents his life
23 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, it seems Alan has found the student he was just thinking about. Very fortunate a young, small, male victim of bullying, who has a speech problem, no father, and shares Alan's interests just happens to be next door. We aren't told yet, but I'm guessing his single mother is attractive, close to Alan's age, and won't mind Alan in the boy's and her life.
I was wondering what a man Alan's age would do everyday. Sitting on the porch, listening to a ballgame all alone seems unnatural for a man his age.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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Hmm, it seems Alan has found the student he was just thinking about. Very fortunate a young, small, male victim of bullying, who has a speech problem, no father, and shares Alan's interests just happens to be next door. We aren't told yet, but I'm guessing his single mother is attractive, close to Alan's age, and won't mind Alan in the boy's and her life.
I was wondering what a man Alan's age would do everyday. Sitting on the porch, listening to a ballgame all alone seems unnatural for a man his age.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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You're right. Perhaps I should have moved him two doors down. :)
A tad contrived? Can't deny it. Convenient and expeditious? Absolutely. But sometimes in a novel, you need some of this to get to your main plot without making the novel too long for people. Would you rather watch a 2-hour movie that is conveniently sped up or a 4-hour movie that covers the same main plot but is ultra-realistic?
There's probably a middle ground here, and if you can think of some suggestions to keep the pace going but are more realistic, I'd love for you to share them with me. I particularly love your reviews where you give me suggestions.
The mother will be attractive, but some sparks will definitely fly between them in the story.
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Space things out. mix things up. Instead have Alan mentor the Bully too. Or have Alan show some form of reluctance around kids. Seeing him rush to the young boys, alone, after what he just went through and lost, seemed odd. A smart person would hesitate, but Alan doesn't.
Unfortunately, there are limits to first person stories. To change locations, scenes, you will have to use flashbacks, because Alan/David must be in every scene.
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Perhaps a smart person would have hesitated, but I think it was more instinctive for him to want to protect an underdog because he was one himself at that age. That was his natural tendency, and I don't think he would have put much thought into it in the moment.
I do like your suggestion about mentoring the bully, and I think I will work that into the story later. Thanks for that.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
His new life is getting interesting. Even his cat seems to take to living on Looser Street. There is one thing you wrote that seems a little odd. You said a few junker cars ....in front of several houses. So is the street lined with junk cars at most of the houses?
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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His new life is getting interesting. Even his cat seems to take to living on Looser Street. There is one thing you wrote that seems a little odd. You said a few junker cars ....in front of several houses. So is the street lined with junk cars at most of the houses?
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2024
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Good point. I will rephrase that.
Comment from royowen
How interesting Jim. Poor David had to start his own business but back in those days there was certainly a market for them. But he's handled the conflict between the two kids, perhaps he'll make a frirmd or two, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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How interesting Jim. Poor David had to start his own business but back in those days there was certainly a market for them. But he's handled the conflict between the two kids, perhaps he'll make a frirmd or two, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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You're right about "back in those days." These days, there aren't too many such repair shops because folks tend to throw broken things away and buy new ones rather than try to fix anything in this disposable society.
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That?s right
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jim, what a great chapter this is. We really get a feel for the neighbourhood and then we have this wee encounter with the two young boys. This is just up Alan's street, of course. I think something is coming out of this encounter. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Hi Jim, what a great chapter this is. We really get a feel for the neighbourhood and then we have this wee encounter with the two young boys. This is just up Alan's street, of course. I think something is coming out of this encounter. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much, Ulla, and for the very kind 6 stars too. Something is definitely coming with this encounter that will shape the rest of the story.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
So David/Alan is making friends that's a good thing. I can't wait to see where this takes us. I know it'll take us somewhere. I am enjoying this story.
I fed him and sat down in the kitchen to watch him eat. ('down' doesn't need to be there, it's understood)
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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So David/Alan is making friends that's a good thing. I can't wait to see where this takes us. I know it'll take us somewhere. I am enjoying this story.
I fed him and sat down in the kitchen to watch him eat. ('down' doesn't need to be there, it's understood)
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Barbara. It may go in some unexpected directions.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Well, that answered that. He does feel the loss. This is an involving story. I am going to be on the lookout for more. I would like your stuff to go to my mailbox so I don't have to hunt for it it. We haven't fanned yet. I will do that now. :-) Karen
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Well, that answered that. He does feel the loss. This is an involving story. I am going to be on the lookout for more. I would like your stuff to go to my mailbox so I don't have to hunt for it it. We haven't fanned yet. I will do that now. :-) Karen
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Yes, he definitely feels it, but the reason I don't have him fight harder for it at the beginning was to show that he starts out as a timid soul. His ex-girlfriend had it right. But he will certainly face other challenges in the story, and we'll see if he has learned anything and has developed the backbone needed to confront them.
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Thanks for the info. I will of course, keep reading. Karen
Comment from eliz100
This is another excellent chapter. You are moving the story along nicely. I look forward to the next chapter.I do not see any room for improvement. Have a blessed day.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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This is another excellent chapter. You are moving the story along nicely. I look forward to the next chapter.I do not see any room for improvement. Have a blessed day.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Lee. A major new character enters the story.
Comment from Mrs. KT
Good morning, Jim!
Moving forward nicely.
I appreciated the authentic dialogue, and I smiled at "sticky-wicket," as it's an expression both my British son-in-law and I use on occasion!
David/Alan handled the altercation between the two boys well...
Ah! The mom has just arrived home... :)
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Good morning, Jim!
Moving forward nicely.
I appreciated the authentic dialogue, and I smiled at "sticky-wicket," as it's an expression both my British son-in-law and I use on occasion!
David/Alan handled the altercation between the two boys well...
Ah! The mom has just arrived home... :)
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Diane. I have a good friend who I use that expression with too. The complete expression we usually use is, "I say old boy, bit of a sticky wicket, wot?"
Yes, Mom has arrived home, seeing her boy talking to a tall stranger. Uh-oh.
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Oh goodness!
:)
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Ho-hum
No excitement here
A few paragraphs of fillers.
Perhaps Tommy is to play a larger part, and I suspect we haven't heard of tub-of-lard Artie since he is in your notes.
Be well.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Ho-hum
No excitement here
A few paragraphs of fillers.
Perhaps Tommy is to play a larger part, and I suspect we haven't heard of tub-of-lard Artie since he is in your notes.
Be well.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Ho-hum, huh?
Perhaps I should have had Alan pull the kid off and accidentally strangle him in the process. Then the police would come and arrest him. He would go on trial for 2nd degree murder and be sentenced to prison for 30 years. In prison, he would join a gang of skinheads, and they would get in a fight with another gang, and he would be stabbed in the neck and bleed out.
Ooh, ooh, then in Chapter 7, I could...
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You are
No longer in charge of your tv
I control the horizontal and the vertical in The Outer Limits
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Dit-dit-dit-do, dit-dit-dit-do. Oh wait, that was the Twilight Zone.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Excellent, Jim! You give us a real feel for the neighbourhood, especially with that inspired name of Loser Street. But it's more than that, in a short space of time, we see life in a disadvantaged area with all its social and material deprivations. Also, we see that pastoral side to Alan, how instinctively he understands young people and knows how to intervene effectively. This warms us still more to your main character and already we see a parallel between him and Tommy as both have dyslexia, a condition that can be explored in more detail now because we have a clear focus of attention. Well done, Jim. This, as ever, is a faultless read with no suggestions to be made. Debbie
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Excellent, Jim! You give us a real feel for the neighbourhood, especially with that inspired name of Loser Street. But it's more than that, in a short space of time, we see life in a disadvantaged area with all its social and material deprivations. Also, we see that pastoral side to Alan, how instinctively he understands young people and knows how to intervene effectively. This warms us still more to your main character and already we see a parallel between him and Tommy as both have dyslexia, a condition that can be explored in more detail now because we have a clear focus of attention. Well done, Jim. This, as ever, is a faultless read with no suggestions to be made. Debbie
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2024
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Boy, what a great review, Debbie. You really get this novel. I'm comparing your review to another I just got, and you seem to really understand the pacing of a story. Not every chapter can be action-packed in a 300+ page novel (which this is likely to turn out to be), and you have to establish the scene and provide context for the more action-filled chapters to follow.
Of course, we never want to give superfluous detail, but we've got to do some scene-setting and character building to make the story believable. I really appreciate this review because you seem to have a very good feel for that.