Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Well, after the last chapter, I had a good feeling more coincidences would happen to get Alan out of the trouble he put himself in, easily discover his hard drive, and get rid (punish) the brothers without him shooting or actively harming or killing anyone. Must keep things PG-13 around here.

I won't lie, this isn't a great story, to many things 'just happen' to a mostly passive and nice MC. Now, I think this is something you could address during post rewrites. You simply have to progress to Alan being more active and rounded as a character. More believable by lessening the happenstances, and having Alan show more manly characteristics.
But, if you're happy with the final product, that's all that matters.

 Comment Written 04-May-2024

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reply by the author on 04-May-2024

I'm not planning to do anything more with this story post-publication on FanStory. I realize it would never make it in the broader marketplace, but I had fun writing it. I'm happy enough with the final product, but not as much as my golf stories.

I do appreciate your sticking it out this far. Just two more chapters of torture for you if you care to finish it.

reply by lancellot on 04-May-2024

Ha! It's not torture. You write well. I did wonder if there was a designed journey or plot outline charted before you began, and who, if anyone was your MC modeled after.

reply by the author on 05-May-2024

No, I'm pretty much a pantser when writing a novel with only a vague idea of how it will go when I start. The only ideas I had when I started were that he would be wrongly blamed for sexual assault, he would meet the kid next door who was dyslexic, and he would invent a device to help dyslexics. Also that the street they lived on would be referred to as Loser St.

When I get about halfway through a novel, then I know how the rest will likely go and I will create a rough outline for the second half, but even then, new ideas come up.

For example, I didn't conceive of Alan's chasing Warren to get his hard drive back until quite late in the game when I thought just getting the patent rights to his invention wouldn't be exciting enough as a climax.

His character was inspired by my son and myself to a degree. My son, although a successful mechanical engineer, has always been quite naive, unassuming, and not very worldly. Very pleasant and a nerd. No dyslexia, but his personality is similar. Alan's sense of humor and occasional goofiness and playfulness is similar to mine, as is his moral code.

Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

Oh yea!!! Go Alan. Showing that moxie!

Excellent chapter, Jim. Looks like he can still bring the heat, even though it was a rock.

I'm guessing Warren will not due anything stupid like go after Alan or Ginnie?

Looking forward to the next couple of chapters...

John

 Comment Written 04-May-2024

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reply by the author on 04-May-2024

Thanks, John. Much more than 20 feet and he might not have been so accurate. Yeah, we're done with Warren. Now it's just go home and enjoy his future.

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

This is a very well written chapter filled with action. Everything seemed to fall into place for Alan/David. He has his hard drive and is safe, right now. I am hoping Warren didn't wipe it clean. Thank you for sharing.

 Comment Written 04-May-2024

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reply by the author on 04-May-2024

Thanks so much, Barbara. He's in the clear now. Nothing left but the denouement where I wrap everything up.

Comment from Tom Horonzy

Excellent

Well, this was a good read but (guffaw) somewhat hard to believe. A rock with no warmup after how many years not playing, and then the guy falling taken balusters with him, but most will read this without a thought. Did he call the police, or left the scene... clean?

 Comment Written 04-May-2024

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reply by the author on 04-May-2024

Nah, he left Dennis with the phone to call the police with his one good arm. He split after getting what he came for.

You're right, though, it would have been more realistic had Alan missed with the rock and been shot dead by Warren. Maybe I'll rewrite the end of the story that way. Then I'll blame you for all the grief I'll get.

Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

Very nicely written.
I've always said, "JUST SHOOT HIM!" You see movies where the bad guy toys with the protagonist, talking blue streaks, giving the good guy a chance to figure out a plan. "JUST SHOOT HIM! DON'T TALK. SHOOT!"
Good work, Alan! (smiley face here)

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 Comment Written 04-May-2024

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reply by the author on 04-May-2024

Thanks, Wayne. I know. I'm the same way. JUST SHOOT HIM, for crying out loud. The bad guys seem to love toying with their victims and showing how clever and confident they are. Makes it more fun for the viewers that way, though.

reply by Wayne Fowler on 04-May-2024

maybe 'some' viewers
(smiley face here)

Comment from Wendy G

Excellent

Ah Jim! He's done it, just as well he was good at baseball. And he hasn't killed anyone, which is good. Plus he
has his hard drive. Now he just has to get back home safely! Well written. Sorry I don't have any sixes left. But I think I will sleep better tonight!
Wendy

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 Comment Written 04-May-2024

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reply by the author on 04-May-2024

Thanks, Wendy. Yes, you can relax and sleep well from now on. We've reached the climax, and it's just denouement the rest of the way.