Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Chapter 7, part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
80 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
What a scary situation. Poor Cassie has been caught up in such a real danger.
One thing that stood out to me in this chapter, was how some of the characters were talking about their children so freely - and even kiddingly, while in front of Sara. Perhaps you could mention how they made sure Sara couldn't hear - or they whispered - etc... Just so that they don't appear uncaring. I know if my daughter was missing and those who were searching for her were joking around, etc. - I'd be furious and probably throw them out. ;)
I feel Sara is way too distrustful of Joe's actions; I understand though, with her history with men.
Good action and dialogue in this chapter. Cassie's actions before her disappearance are beginning to come to light. I hope they follow the clues and find her before any real harm happens.
How was your first day back to work? I hope you are feeling well and gaining your strength back. Take things slow. Big hugs, Barbara!
Nic
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
  |
What a scary situation. Poor Cassie has been caught up in such a real danger.
One thing that stood out to me in this chapter, was how some of the characters were talking about their children so freely - and even kiddingly, while in front of Sara. Perhaps you could mention how they made sure Sara couldn't hear - or they whispered - etc... Just so that they don't appear uncaring. I know if my daughter was missing and those who were searching for her were joking around, etc. - I'd be furious and probably throw them out. ;)
I feel Sara is way too distrustful of Joe's actions; I understand though, with her history with men.
Good action and dialogue in this chapter. Cassie's actions before her disappearance are beginning to come to light. I hope they follow the clues and find her before any real harm happens.
How was your first day back to work? I hope you are feeling well and gaining your strength back. Take things slow. Big hugs, Barbara!
Nic
Comment Written 05-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
-
My first day bavk, put immediately in bed when I got home. I am doing a little better day, but will be asleep shortly.
Comment from Tellis
This is a great chapter and she's being a complete turd about his treatment of Roy. If she can't see that he was an abuser all these years then maybe she needs some professional help.
Tellis
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
 |
This is a great chapter and she's being a complete turd about his treatment of Roy. If she can't see that he was an abuser all these years then maybe she needs some professional help.
Tellis
Comment Written 05-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
-
I think her selkf-esteem is so low that it needs to be built and I plan on doing that. We should watch Sara grow, if I do it right. Thank you for you kind review.
Comment from RebelRose
In a way, I can I can understand Sara's fears about Joe but in a larger part, I don't understand why she can't see him as the real Joe. The one who is so tender and gentle and caring with her and Cassie. I hope she learns to trust him and her fears subside. That's the romantic in me. Great chapter.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
|
In a way, I can I can understand Sara's fears about Joe but in a larger part, I don't understand why she can't see him as the real Joe. The one who is so tender and gentle and caring with her and Cassie. I hope she learns to trust him and her fears subside. That's the romantic in me. Great chapter.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for you kind review.
Comment from quashdog
So a child is missing and the mother herself was raped when she was a teen. Good story line I really like it but for some reason I'm having trouble with the ebb and flow of the narrative. Maybe if you, the narrator, did some more talking in between some of the dialog we'd get a better picture of the characters, setting etc.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
 |
So a child is missing and the mother herself was raped when she was a teen. Good story line I really like it but for some reason I'm having trouble with the ebb and flow of the narrative. Maybe if you, the narrator, did some more talking in between some of the dialog we'd get a better picture of the characters, setting etc.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2010
-
My strong area is my strong dialogue, but it's no for every one. Please read my other reviews. Many people like my use of dialogue. It's my voice and style. It's a personal perference. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jonez08
The drama continues, Cassie's disappearence adds suspense which I love in my stories and you've created great tension and mystery, Sara on the other hand is somewhat over the top in her distrust, I look forward to where we heading. I pointed a few things out for your consideration.
observations: For a chapter this length I noticed repetition, for instance, you used walked five times and turned five times, a couple of them can easily be changed to she faced him or he strode, something to mix things up. Fresh writing is one of the biggest challenges for us writers, at least for me.
who describes himself as a fifteen(-) year(-) old boy,"
"I thought(--)"
--instead of a period this should show an abrupt stop
she ran cold water in (her hands)
With the towel still in (her hands)
--these are right together, consider something like: Still holding the towel, Sara
Emily's my six(-)month(-)old daughter. I nurse her
She listened(,) as Joe said to the men,
--no comma needed
Casssandra
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
|
The drama continues, Cassie's disappearence adds suspense which I love in my stories and you've created great tension and mystery, Sara on the other hand is somewhat over the top in her distrust, I look forward to where we heading. I pointed a few things out for your consideration.
observations: For a chapter this length I noticed repetition, for instance, you used walked five times and turned five times, a couple of them can easily be changed to she faced him or he strode, something to mix things up. Fresh writing is one of the biggest challenges for us writers, at least for me.
who describes himself as a fifteen(-) year(-) old boy,"
"I thought(--)"
--instead of a period this should show an abrupt stop
she ran cold water in (her hands)
With the towel still in (her hands)
--these are right together, consider something like: Still holding the towel, Sara
Emily's my six(-)month(-)old daughter. I nurse her
She listened(,) as Joe said to the men,
--no comma needed
Casssandra
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
-
I will work on taking those repetiions out. I was already told my another reviewer that I used too many 'ing' words and to take some of them out, so I am not sure what to change them to.
Comment from marcellawachtel
Cassie going missing is seeping into every situation and conversation and altering everything subtly. Sarah is more and more suspicious of Joe--this entire segment has a lot of high points and a lot of action both in the main plot and in the periphery. I am enjoying this one.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
|
Cassie going missing is seeping into every situation and conversation and altering everything subtly. Sarah is more and more suspicious of Joe--this entire segment has a lot of high points and a lot of action both in the main plot and in the periphery. I am enjoying this one.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from RaymondJohn
Your usual fine use of detail. I had a mini-seminar about Facebook chat, and knew about FOS. I also have read a lot about the predators. I am always amazed at the naivete of the young. A very enjoyable write. Thanks. Ray.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
|
Your usual fine use of detail. I had a mini-seminar about Facebook chat, and knew about FOS. I also have read a lot about the predators. I am always amazed at the naivete of the young. A very enjoyable write. Thanks. Ray.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Allieas
the story flows very naturally and the dialogue is realistic. I'm kind of jumping in to the middle of a story, but it's caught my attention as interesting even without having read the rest of it.
the only thing that kind of stuck out to me was this:
He dropped the sheets as he tried to put his arms around her. When she backed away, he stopped. "I'd never hurt either of you. I wouldn't have killed Roy, either, but I did want to cause the same amount of pain he's caused you that Sunday morning in that church parking lot." He released a deep breath. "Or the prom night when he raped you."
Sara walked silently toward her room. After she shut the door, she leaned against it. I want to believe Joe isn't capable of harming Cassie or me, but can I?
it's a kind of a huge thing to say (I don't know what happened in the story before this...) but it seems like nothing really happens after. Did she just turn her back on him and walk away? What was he thinking that she did that? I don't know. Or did you do that on purpose to leave it up to the reader to fill in the space?
anyway, your story seems really interesting and well-researched and is an enjoyable read. good luck with it =)
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
|
the story flows very naturally and the dialogue is realistic. I'm kind of jumping in to the middle of a story, but it's caught my attention as interesting even without having read the rest of it.
the only thing that kind of stuck out to me was this:
He dropped the sheets as he tried to put his arms around her. When she backed away, he stopped. "I'd never hurt either of you. I wouldn't have killed Roy, either, but I did want to cause the same amount of pain he's caused you that Sunday morning in that church parking lot." He released a deep breath. "Or the prom night when he raped you."
Sara walked silently toward her room. After she shut the door, she leaned against it. I want to believe Joe isn't capable of harming Cassie or me, but can I?
it's a kind of a huge thing to say (I don't know what happened in the story before this...) but it seems like nothing really happens after. Did she just turn her back on him and walk away? What was he thinking that she did that? I don't know. Or did you do that on purpose to leave it up to the reader to fill in the space?
anyway, your story seems really interesting and well-researched and is an enjoyable read. good luck with it =)
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
-
I did leave it as a hook. We will find out more, but I can not give what Joe is thinking in this situation because we are in Sara's POV. Thank you for your kind review. I alway appreciate comments. That's how I find out if a chapter is working.
Comment from Kelly Shackelford
Out of all the chapters I have read, this one is very nicely paced Tight and light, just like we readers like them. Great job and i look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
|
Out of all the chapters I have read, this one is very nicely paced Tight and light, just like we readers like them. Great job and i look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from KayteeF
I have come across this during blind reviewing, and recognize the continuing story about Cassie, Joe and Sarah.
I can understand why Sarah would be worried about Joe's aggression, but I do hope she will come to realise that Joe is not just anyone, and heed the strength of having caring friends.
I hope all goes well with your chemo, you need to rest some, so please do not overdo things. God Bless.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
|
I have come across this during blind reviewing, and recognize the continuing story about Cassie, Joe and Sarah.
I can understand why Sarah would be worried about Joe's aggression, but I do hope she will come to realise that Joe is not just anyone, and heed the strength of having caring friends.
I hope all goes well with your chemo, you need to rest some, so please do not overdo things. God Bless.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
-
I am dead tired after my first day back with 21 first graders. I am questioning my reasonng for returning to work so fast. Anyway, thank you for your kind review.