Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Part three, Chapter 8"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
87 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
That has to be one of the most terrifying things to have to do. Just to enter the house would be hard, but deciding what to take, and how he will react to having it gone Another great chapter!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
  |
That has to be one of the most terrifying things to have to do. Just to enter the house would be hard, but deciding what to take, and how he will react to having it gone Another great chapter!!! Debbie
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from TammyGail
Well done writing this chapter......
Very compelling indeed
Something plenty can relate to
You captured my att at the beginning
And had it till the last word.......
Well done.........
Thanks for sharing .......
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
Well done writing this chapter......
Very compelling indeed
Something plenty can relate to
You captured my att at the beginning
And had it till the last word.......
Well done.........
Thanks for sharing .......
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Dane Thibeault
This is an excellent piece. I have never read any other parts of this work, however, I was captivated from beginning to end. This piece impressibly blends a unique concoction of suspense, mystery, and awe, and I feel that it vividly conveyed a realistic situation. Excellent work.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
This is an excellent piece. I have never read any other parts of this work, however, I was captivated from beginning to end. This piece impressibly blends a unique concoction of suspense, mystery, and awe, and I feel that it vividly conveyed a realistic situation. Excellent work.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Barbra,
A police officer and Eric Young, Bobby's attorney(,) parked in the street. (add the other half of the interruption comma)
the wall her head had made. Splattered blood stains
(Good scene description, good sense of linking emotional response to the setting. Also a nice balance of dialog and action)
When she found her house key, she removed it from the ring[,] and handed (consider removing this comma)
Besides(,) if I save my money, maybe I can buy my own."
(I wondered if a pause here sounded right)
A large blood stain(bloodstain) on the
A woman's voice yelled, "Anna, there you go with that vivid
"I have supervised everything(,) making sure nothing is
supposed to sleep? This gold(-)digger took everything."
The mother's added arrival did a nice job of showcasing conflict, and the denial of a parent that their child could be wrong of any wrong-doing. The continuity and POV of this chapter stayed strong. Good flow, strong sentences, I appreciated the balance of action and dialog tags.
Turtle.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
Hi Barbra,
A police officer and Eric Young, Bobby's attorney(,) parked in the street. (add the other half of the interruption comma)
the wall her head had made. Splattered blood stains
(Good scene description, good sense of linking emotional response to the setting. Also a nice balance of dialog and action)
When she found her house key, she removed it from the ring[,] and handed (consider removing this comma)
Besides(,) if I save my money, maybe I can buy my own."
(I wondered if a pause here sounded right)
A large blood stain(bloodstain) on the
A woman's voice yelled, "Anna, there you go with that vivid
"I have supervised everything(,) making sure nothing is
supposed to sleep? This gold(-)digger took everything."
The mother's added arrival did a nice job of showcasing conflict, and the denial of a parent that their child could be wrong of any wrong-doing. The continuity and POV of this chapter stayed strong. Good flow, strong sentences, I appreciated the balance of action and dialog tags.
Turtle.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank your for the kind review. I have made the changes.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Strong and descriptive writing here, Barbara.
Anna's fear, even in recall, was palpable.
I have accompanied a few women in similar situations so can appreciate the atmosphere of this situation. It is very accurate. Also very apt description of that vile mother-in- law.
Juliette
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
 |
Strong and descriptive writing here, Barbara.
Anna's fear, even in recall, was palpable.
I have accompanied a few women in similar situations so can appreciate the atmosphere of this situation. It is very accurate. Also very apt description of that vile mother-in- law.
Juliette
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review. I appreciate your insight. I am wanting to keep this realistic, if I get off track please let me know.
Comment from dmjones
Excellent chapter again Barbara. I see why Bobby is the way he is. His mother is certainly no help, though, I suspect Bobby's father knows the truth.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
Excellent chapter again Barbara. I see why Bobby is the way he is. His mother is certainly no help, though, I suspect Bobby's father knows the truth.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review and insight.
Comment from adewpearl
Excellent natural-sounding dialogue - you do an especially effective job with Bobby's mother and her unexpected and emotional appearance. I have known mothers like this, totally blinded to their children's faults - this is a perfect intro to this character. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
Excellent natural-sounding dialogue - you do an especially effective job with Bobby's mother and her unexpected and emotional appearance. I have known mothers like this, totally blinded to their children's faults - this is a perfect intro to this character. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review. I have missed you. I hope everythings all right.
Comment from rama devi
An excellent chapter, dear B, very expressive and rich with emotion. One can feel the tension in the air between Anna and Bobby's mother. God pacing, dialog and sentence construction. excellent use of action tags.
A few spag nits, mostly relating to commas:
*A police officer and Eric Young, Bobby's attorney(,) parked in the street.
*When she found her house key, she removed it from the ring,(NO COMMA NEEDED HERE) and handed it to Bobby's attorney.
* Besides(,) if I save my money, maybe I can buy my own."
* "Anna, let's start on the next room. (")--end-quote is missing.
Good work!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
An excellent chapter, dear B, very expressive and rich with emotion. One can feel the tension in the air between Anna and Bobby's mother. God pacing, dialog and sentence construction. excellent use of action tags.
A few spag nits, mostly relating to commas:
*A police officer and Eric Young, Bobby's attorney(,) parked in the street.
*When she found her house key, she removed it from the ring,(NO COMMA NEEDED HERE) and handed it to Bobby's attorney.
* Besides(,) if I save my money, maybe I can buy my own."
* "Anna, let's start on the next room. (")--end-quote is missing.
Good work!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 13-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
In my punctuation books and in the schools it's taught that in a series a comma is needed before the and. I noticed many people on this site do not put one there, but as long as my books and the schools teach it and my editor doesn't take it out, I am leaving it. I will fix the rest.
-
There are different schools of thought regarding this point and both are correct.
My suggestion is based on 1) modern style preferences and 2) it does not seem like a series, exactly. the first part is qualifying WHEN, not listing a thing. IN this instance, i still think that comma is not required but that's your choice, of course ;-)
Comment from ulster3
Hello, barbara.
Well, a sad situation grows worse when Bobby's mother gets involved. She seems a bit pushy and over-invested. I'm wondering how over-powering she may have been in his growing years...
This is another very fine chapter. It takes patience to research and write prose of this quality.
Warmly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
Hello, barbara.
Well, a sad situation grows worse when Bobby's mother gets involved. She seems a bit pushy and over-invested. I'm wondering how over-powering she may have been in his growing years...
This is another very fine chapter. It takes patience to research and write prose of this quality.
Warmly, Rebecca
Comment Written 12-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Readywriter52
Eric Young seems to have doubts about his client, Bobby. He sees the signs of abuse around her home. Bobby's mother is delusional. She keeps insisting that everything is Anna's fault. She enables her son to continue abusing his wife. This chapter shows the relationship between Bobby and his mother.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
|
Eric Young seems to have doubts about his client, Bobby. He sees the signs of abuse around her home. Bobby's mother is delusional. She keeps insisting that everything is Anna's fault. She enables her son to continue abusing his wife. This chapter shows the relationship between Bobby and his mother.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review.