Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Part three, Chapter 10"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
79 total reviews
Comment from Piggies Grandma
Poor Anna, it must be horrible to have a man treat you like that. I don't understand why she ever ended up with him. This is very cleverly written, Barbara.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Poor Anna, it must be horrible to have a man treat you like that. I don't understand why she ever ended up with him. This is very cleverly written, Barbara.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from anderaj
I really enjoyed this even though I haven't read the rest of the chapters.
One thing I would mention at this time is Anna's thoughts. They seem out of place and a little disruptive. I would probably just incorporate them into the regular text.
For example: "Anna glanced around the empty courtroom. I doubt any of those chairs will be filled. How long is this going to take? I wonder what Paul and Mr. Young are discussing."
Instead you might say: Anna glanced around the empty courtroom, wondering what they were discussing and whether the courtroom chairs would be filled today. Glancing at her watch, she speculated on how long it would take.
Just an idea. Consider doing that with other thoughts.
Also, some of the dialogue seems a little forced. For example: "Anna turned to Betty. 'Where's Michael sleeping? I want to check on him.'" You may want to consider not making this dialogue. One idea would be, "Anna and Betty went to check on Michael, who was sleeping upstairs." There are several places this could be done. In many cases, actions are more descriptive than dialogue.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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I really enjoyed this even though I haven't read the rest of the chapters.
One thing I would mention at this time is Anna's thoughts. They seem out of place and a little disruptive. I would probably just incorporate them into the regular text.
For example: "Anna glanced around the empty courtroom.
Instead you might say: Anna glanced around the empty courtroom, wondering what they were discussing and whether the courtroom chairs would be filled today. Glancing at her watch, she speculated on how long it would take.
Just an idea. Consider doing that with other thoughts.
Also, some of the dialogue seems a little forced. For example: "Anna turned to Betty. 'Where's Michael sleeping? I want to check on him.'" You may want to consider not making this dialogue. One idea would be, "Anna and Betty went to check on Michael, who was sleeping upstairs." There are several places this could be done. In many cases, actions are more descriptive than dialogue.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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The problem with doing that with the thoughts is--you have switched to passive voice and you are supposed to use active voice and you're supposed to keep your words ending with 'ing' to a minimum. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from eliz100
This was a good read from beginning to end. The question is will Anna be one of the lucky ones and not get hurt or killed by Bobby.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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This was a good read from beginning to end. The question is will Anna be one of the lucky ones and not get hurt or killed by Bobby.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from peggles
This is a well paced chapter I liked how you involve your characters all the way through the story
I don't like that Bobby there is something very dark and deep about him
he is a very dangerous man I think Anna has a lot to worry about will he try to kill her or kidnap Michael
what will happen Barbara I can't wait to read more don't make it too long
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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This is a well paced chapter I liked how you involve your characters all the way through the story
I don't like that Bobby there is something very dark and deep about him
he is a very dangerous man I think Anna has a lot to worry about will he try to kill her or kidnap Michael
what will happen Barbara I can't wait to read more don't make it too long
Comment Written 28-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jfmorgan
Good job, Barbara wilkey. I looked at your writing before and I thought it was well developed but I believe this installment in more polished than the others. I found little if anything would change with editing. Very well done.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Good job, Barbara wilkey. I looked at your writing before and I thought it was well developed but I believe this installment in more polished than the others. I found little if anything would change with editing. Very well done.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sweet Anita
This is my first chapter to read. I just joined FanStory two days ago. Your story is very interesting. I will try and catch up and continue to follow. I didn't see any errors in your writing. Good job.
Nita
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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This is my first chapter to read. I just joined FanStory two days ago. Your story is very interesting. I will try and catch up and continue to follow. I didn't see any errors in your writing. Good job.
Nita
Comment Written 27-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rheabug
Oh my goodness, it is certainly a shame that it couldn't just be over for her. He is one cruel little man. He need to go to a shrink. Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Oh my goodness, it is certainly a shame that it couldn't just be over for her. He is one cruel little man. He need to go to a shrink. Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 27-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from judiverse
Great work, Barbara. Your characterizations of Anna and other characters come across really well. She is concerned about her son and the judge's decision. When she expresses her fear that Bobby will try to kill her, she is going back to her past passive behavior. Even during the hearing it seems that Bobby's behavior is typical of an abusive husband. You give a really good picture of his type. I think the judge made a good decision in the case. Rewarding reading. judiverse
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2011
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Great work, Barbara. Your characterizations of Anna and other characters come across really well. She is concerned about her son and the judge's decision. When she expresses her fear that Bobby will try to kill her, she is going back to her past passive behavior. Even during the hearing it seems that Bobby's behavior is typical of an abusive husband. You give a really good picture of his type. I think the judge made a good decision in the case. Rewarding reading. judiverse
Comment Written 27-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from purrfect tale
Very well done. The pacing was good and the characters very real. I was sucked into the story quickly and I haven't read any of the previous chapters! I found one proofreading error. In the line: "The glare on his face reminded her, how dangerous he would become."- you don't need the comma
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2011
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Very well done. The pacing was good and the characters very real. I was sucked into the story quickly and I haven't read any of the previous chapters! I found one proofreading error. In the line: "The glare on his face reminded her, how dangerous he would become."- you don't need the comma
Comment Written 27-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Beejay
Quite a cliff hanger, what's going to happen? I was totally absorbed by it,a very clever piece of writing. well done I can't wait to read more
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2011
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Quite a cliff hanger, what's going to happen? I was totally absorbed by it,a very clever piece of writing. well done I can't wait to read more
Comment Written 27-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.