Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 58 "part one, Chapter 18"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
70 total reviews
Comment from Sharrum
Another excellent chapter. Its getting very interesting or should I say a little tense. Great job on keeping the story flowing at a good pace. Keep on writing.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Another excellent chapter. Its getting very interesting or should I say a little tense. Great job on keeping the story flowing at a good pace. Keep on writing.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you for kind review.
Comment from Rama Rao
An excellent chapter as usual and engrossing. There is tension and action in every chapter. This is something only few writers can manage. To sum it up, what next?
Can't wait till Monday.
Nancy, I don't know when I'll be bacl-back- a typo.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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An excellent chapter as usual and engrossing. There is tension and action in every chapter. This is something only few writers can manage. To sum it up, what next?
Can't wait till Monday.
Nancy, I don't know when I'll be bacl-back- a typo.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jen Gentry
Barb
I have missed several chapters and I will try to go back and get caught up I am still wanting to know how Anna's Ex and his mother get their paybacks you know. This is another great and smooth chapter that is written perfectly
Blessings
Jenny
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Barb
I have missed several chapters and I will try to go back and get caught up I am still wanting to know how Anna's Ex and his mother get their paybacks you know. This is another great and smooth chapter that is written perfectly
Blessings
Jenny
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mara del Mar
Very emotive this chapter, i think I lost one! Excellent, Barbara, very good the developmen of secuences and the form of act of characters. I wait that Bobby this time receives your punishment.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Very emotive this chapter, i think I lost one! Excellent, Barbara, very good the developmen of secuences and the form of act of characters. I wait that Bobby this time receives your punishment.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rama devi
As usual, this has smooth and swift pacing with authentic sounding dialog well balanced with action tags and interspersed with narrative to bring to the scene to life. Excellent build up of tension on the road scene. Even though I have not been able to keep up with all chapters in this story, this draws me in and I can picture the scene like a film. The characters seem authentic, too.
Notes and suggestions-
*After he listened for a few moments, he said, "I'm leaving now."
Consider trimming the first pronoun:
After listening for a few moments, he said, "I'm leaving now."
*When he went to pick him up, he heard the lady screaming and a lamp or something breaking. He heard a man scream obscenities.
Pronouns can be trimmed here as well, thus tightening the sentences. Example:
When picking him up, he heard the lady screaming and a lamp or something breaking, while a man screamed obscenities.
Good closing hook--keeping us wondering...
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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As usual, this has smooth and swift pacing with authentic sounding dialog well balanced with action tags and interspersed with narrative to bring to the scene to life. Excellent build up of tension on the road scene. Even though I have not been able to keep up with all chapters in this story, this draws me in and I can picture the scene like a film. The characters seem authentic, too.
Notes and suggestions-
*After he listened for a few moments, he said, "I'm leaving now."
Consider trimming the first pronoun:
After listening for a few moments, he said, "I'm leaving now."
*When he went to pick him up, he heard the lady screaming and a lamp or something breaking. He heard a man scream obscenities.
Pronouns can be trimmed here as well, thus tightening the sentences. Example:
When picking him up, he heard the lady screaming and a lamp or something breaking, while a man screamed obscenities.
Good closing hook--keeping us wondering...
Love,
rd
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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My question becomes, I have been told not to use words ending with 'ing' that if I must use them, then use them at a very minimum. If I make your suggestions then I am using more 'ing' words. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for your kind review.
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Overusing ING words is not desirable, but not using them at all is now necessary. It all depends on flow and pacing and what sounds best to your ear. If there were an abundance of ING words already in the chapter, I would not recommend it. But in this instance, it sounds better and flows more smoothly (and is tighter without repeating pronouns unnecessarily, which is, IMO, worse than repeating IGN words)
However, On second thought, I think you might trim two ING words in this sentence, too--and perhaps not use the verb scream twice in a row.
When picking him up, he heard the lady scream and a lamp or something break, while a man shouted obscenities.
Hope that helps?
Warmly, rd
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Yes, thank you. Norma and Ted are the ones who kick my ing words out.
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I try to avoid too many, but not to hesitate to use them if it sounds better read aloud... ;-))
Comment from cce29
Again, great chap. Part of your story. Yur writing has good dialogue, and explanation of situations. It's was easy to feel the apprehension, and hurriedness through out the reading. Can't wait to read more. Great job. I believe your whole book will deserve a 6 overall.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Again, great chap. Part of your story. Yur writing has good dialogue, and explanation of situations. It's was easy to feel the apprehension, and hurriedness through out the reading. Can't wait to read more. Great job. I believe your whole book will deserve a 6 overall.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thannk you for your kind review.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Another well penned addition to your story, Barbara. Good job with, details, descriptions, and dialogue. Thanks for the awareness you're providing. Keep Reading & Writing.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Another well penned addition to your story, Barbara. Good job with, details, descriptions, and dialogue. Thanks for the awareness you're providing. Keep Reading & Writing.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Scornwell
As usual, I found this very well written with no mistakes. I wish I had time to go back and read the parts of this that I have missed, I try to keep up but sometimes I just don't have time. Having been witness to this kind of behavior, reading this makes me uncomfortable. I guess I can't say more to impress how realistic I find it.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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As usual, I found this very well written with no mistakes. I wish I had time to go back and read the parts of this that I have missed, I try to keep up but sometimes I just don't have time. Having been witness to this kind of behavior, reading this makes me uncomfortable. I guess I can't say more to impress how realistic I find it.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara ...
You certainly are very good at introducing tension into your writing, carrying your readers along with the urgency or the drama of the moment.
I was very disappointed to see that you have lowered the tone of your otherwise good writing by using vulgar language which is never necessary in order to put emphasis on a situation.
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Hullo Barbara ...
You certainly are very good at introducing tension into your writing, carrying your readers along with the urgency or the drama of the moment.
I was very disappointed to see that you have lowered the tone of your otherwise good writing by using vulgar language which is never necessary in order to put emphasis on a situation.
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind review. I am sorry, but I feel in this situation that is exactly what they would say. I have been gigged for not making my dialogue more realistic.
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, Barbara. Wow! There's a lot going on in this chapter. I am wondering why they released her husband. This poor woman will be harassed as long as he and his family live. Good writing. I'm anxious to read more.
April
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Hi, Barbara. Wow! There's a lot going on in this chapter. I am wondering why they released her husband. This poor woman will be harassed as long as he and his family live. Good writing. I'm anxious to read more.
April
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your kind review.