Metaphorical Seas
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Two Sahara"a series of blank impressions
25 total reviews
Comment from FrankieW
GREAT use of metaphor and simile: Slurs of powdered lions,
stir like the blurred wings of a million moths. Loved the imagery you created in my mind.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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GREAT use of metaphor and simile: Slurs of powdered lions,
stir like the blurred wings of a million moths. Loved the imagery you created in my mind.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Hello there
I thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading some books about the Empty Quarter of Saudi and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it.
Warm regards
phill
Comment from squid152
My brain was so overloaded with images that I had to take a break after reading it. Then I came back and read it again. Your use of descriptive words like Sirocco winds", "slurs of powder lions", "Sun's rise bleeds" and scorpions as silent as sea shells", blew my mind.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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My brain was so overloaded with images that I had to take a break after reading it. Then I came back and read it again. Your use of descriptive words like Sirocco winds", "slurs of powder lions", "Sun's rise bleeds" and scorpions as silent as sea shells", blew my mind.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Hello there
I am sorry to come back to you so late â?? thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading some books about the Empty Quarter of Saudi and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it.
Warm regards
phill
Comment from kintesiegel
this is an amazing piece of work. I am impressed by the descriptions but am a bit lost in the desert. I fear this is my inadequacy not the poem's intent.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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this is an amazing piece of work. I am impressed by the descriptions but am a bit lost in the desert. I fear this is my inadequacy not the poem's intent.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Hello there
I am sorry to come back to you so late â?? thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading some books about the Empty Quarter of Saudi and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it.
Warm regards
phill
Comment from Herb
mostly iambic it is or it ain't. I didn't notice, and enjoyed it, Its either iambic or it ain't so if it ain't don't mention it.
Peter
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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mostly iambic it is or it ain't. I didn't notice, and enjoyed it, Its either iambic or it ain't so if it ain't don't mention it.
Peter
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Hello there Peter
I am sorry to come back to you so late â??
Well: exactly! I put the mostly in as the first reviews I got mauled me for not being actually to form. So, you turn a three-star effort into a five-star effort by getting your excuses in first!
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it.
Warm regards
phill
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
As each dun mountain shivers redefined,
anonymous tan desert tides dissolve,
while night exhales its frozen breath and moors
the darkest craft upon this wretched shore. <<< Now THIS is poetry!!!!!
ripe rosaries of dew
cascade; a dawn's accumulated wealth
disbursed as bounty, showered on the meek <<< superb ending
Nobody does it better, Phil! :)
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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As each dun mountain shivers redefined,
anonymous tan desert tides dissolve,
while night exhales its frozen breath and moors
the darkest craft upon this wretched shore. <<< Now THIS is poetry!!!!!
ripe rosaries of dew
cascade; a dawn's accumulated wealth
disbursed as bounty, showered on the meek <<< superb ending
Nobody does it better, Phil! :)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
-
Hello there
I am sorry to come back to you so late â?? thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading Wilfrid Thesigerâ??s books about the Marsh Arab and the Empty Quarter of Saudi and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it.
Warm regards
phill
Comment from ajdevore
This paints a clear picture of two different deserts. An actual picture would not have distracted, just added another dimension. I love the basalt fists, the only hiccup for me was the word bruise. The broken tooth part was fine, but try as I might I couldn't imaging a bruised landscape that resembled a broken tooth. Maybe you could help me. I need a lot of education where poetry is concerned.
I loved the cuneiform insect trails, the scorpions waiting for mistakes. When I lived in Arizona we had to shake our shoes out every morning.
The great absence of sand was a nice touch, although I did not understand the capitalization. All in all a first class submission.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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This paints a clear picture of two different deserts. An actual picture would not have distracted, just added another dimension. I love the basalt fists, the only hiccup for me was the word bruise. The broken tooth part was fine, but try as I might I couldn't imaging a bruised landscape that resembled a broken tooth. Maybe you could help me. I need a lot of education where poetry is concerned.
I loved the cuneiform insect trails, the scorpions waiting for mistakes. When I lived in Arizona we had to shake our shoes out every morning.
The great absence of sand was a nice touch, although I did not understand the capitalization. All in all a first class submission.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
-
Hello there
I am sorry to come back to you so late â?? thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading Wilfrid Thesigerâ??s books about the Marsh Arab and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it: it was really just meant to be night and day views of the same empty space...the broken tooth â?? well, I imagine the rock structures you see in desert areas, worn down by sand and wind â?? you see then best in Arizona I think? Do you not have those large columns of rock in the desert or am I thinking of somewhere else? Fractured objects, large and from a distance, like a row of broken teeth...perhaps?
The capitalisation of "Great Absence" is a reference to a desert area (elsewhere other than the Sahara) which is referred to a "the Empty Quarter" - with capitals. So, I thought to name the apparent 'absence' of my desert formally...just an idea.
Warm regards
phill
Comment from rama devi
OH, wow, warm welcome to Fs word-wizard. What awesome imagery and phrasing. You have a keen sense of the musicality of words and the art of poetry. However, as you can see by the rating, this piece has some issues relating scansion in meter. Having mostly iambic meter is not a problem here, but some of the lines that seem iambic have certain words where the scansion is forced. As you seem adept to some extent, I will assume you know what scansion is. if not, let me know and I'll explain.
This poem has the potential to be super-outsanding. I'm quite impressed!
Reviewing notes- (line by line)
Exhausted, spent in moans, sirocco winds
what fine word choices and alliteration/consonance of S sounds
expose mauve basalt fists, torn minarets
Scansion forced on this part: mauve basalt
BAsalt should be accented baSALT (correct me if I'm mistaken, please)
in rows; each distant bruise a broken tooth,
Excellent simile and alliteration too.
an island in a storm-wracked copper sea.
well phrased with more excellent phonetics and devices. Love reading your lines aloud!
Along ghost-rivers hollow torrents swirl
I'm not sure but it sounds to me like the scansion is forced on Ghost-rivers
as barren dust-clouds gutter out like flames ---potent phrase and imagery. You have a wonderful agility in choosing pitch perfect, precise verbs. I admire that so much!
and slurs of powdered lions, reshaped dunes, --Stroke of genius line. Outstanding.
stir like the blurred wings of a million moths.
Scansion slightly forced in this super-brilliant line. love the internal proximal rhyme of slurs and stir, echoes by blurred. Nice alliteration on M, too. You are indeed a word-musician. Brilliant.
As each dun mountain shivers redefined, --great line
anonymous tan desert tides dissolve, --ditto
while night exhales its frozen breath and moors --wonderful!
the darkest craft upon this wretched shore. --ditto!
Outstanding stanza~!
The sun's rise bleeds a mystery of light, --love this
revealing obscure marks on ribbed inclines;
scansion forced on obscure. Nice consonance of B in obscure and ribbed.
the cuneiform of insect trails, short works --excellent vocabulary
of foreign text in undulating Braille. --stroke of genius line!
*one spag suggestion-
Poised, lapis-tongued(,) a lizard tilts to hear,
amazing--tilts is the perfect verb here. paints a picture-portrait. You're very gifted.
susurrus-soft, red butterflies descend --fabulous phrasing with lots of sibilant es's. this line rolls off the tongue
while scorpions as silent as sea-shells --ditto, though the scansion is forced on sea-shells
await mistakes, beneath a cornflower sky. --scansion off on this line but nice word choices.
From spider threads, ripe rosaries of dew --nicely phrase and fine imagery-simile
cascade; a dawn's accumulated wealth --superb phrasing with consonance of C and wonderfully subtle personification.
disbursed as bounty, showered on the meek --great line
alive upon the Great Absence of sand.
scansion slightly forced on Absence.
Oh, how amazing this poem is. It would be a six if not for scansion issues.
So sorry to have to take off two stars from a six for the scansion issues, but I'd be happy to upgrade accordingly if you make revisions.
You have a new fan. Nice to see a new member with such a gift for poetry!
Bravo.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
 |
OH, wow, warm welcome to Fs word-wizard. What awesome imagery and phrasing. You have a keen sense of the musicality of words and the art of poetry. However, as you can see by the rating, this piece has some issues relating scansion in meter. Having mostly iambic meter is not a problem here, but some of the lines that seem iambic have certain words where the scansion is forced. As you seem adept to some extent, I will assume you know what scansion is. if not, let me know and I'll explain.
This poem has the potential to be super-outsanding. I'm quite impressed!
Reviewing notes- (line by line)
Exhausted, spent in moans, sirocco winds
what fine word choices and alliteration/consonance of S sounds
expose mauve basalt fists, torn minarets
Scansion forced on this part: mauve basalt
BAsalt should be accented baSALT (correct me if I'm mistaken, please)
in rows; each distant bruise a broken tooth,
Excellent simile and alliteration too.
an island in a storm-wracked copper sea.
well phrased with more excellent phonetics and devices. Love reading your lines aloud!
Along ghost-rivers hollow torrents swirl
I'm not sure but it sounds to me like the scansion is forced on Ghost-rivers
as barren dust-clouds gutter out like flames ---potent phrase and imagery. You have a wonderful agility in choosing pitch perfect, precise verbs. I admire that so much!
and slurs of powdered lions, reshaped dunes, --Stroke of genius line. Outstanding.
stir like the blurred wings of a million moths.
Scansion slightly forced in this super-brilliant line. love the internal proximal rhyme of slurs and stir, echoes by blurred. Nice alliteration on M, too. You are indeed a word-musician. Brilliant.
As each dun mountain shivers redefined, --great line
anonymous tan desert tides dissolve, --ditto
while night exhales its frozen breath and moors --wonderful!
the darkest craft upon this wretched shore. --ditto!
Outstanding stanza~!
The sun's rise bleeds a mystery of light, --love this
revealing obscure marks on ribbed inclines;
scansion forced on obscure. Nice consonance of B in obscure and ribbed.
the cuneiform of insect trails, short works --excellent vocabulary
of foreign text in undulating Braille. --stroke of genius line!
*one spag suggestion-
Poised, lapis-tongued(,) a lizard tilts to hear,
amazing--tilts is the perfect verb here. paints a picture-portrait. You're very gifted.
susurrus-soft, red butterflies descend --fabulous phrasing with lots of sibilant es's. this line rolls off the tongue
while scorpions as silent as sea-shells --ditto, though the scansion is forced on sea-shells
await mistakes, beneath a cornflower sky. --scansion off on this line but nice word choices.
From spider threads, ripe rosaries of dew --nicely phrase and fine imagery-simile
cascade; a dawn's accumulated wealth --superb phrasing with consonance of C and wonderfully subtle personification.
disbursed as bounty, showered on the meek --great line
alive upon the Great Absence of sand.
scansion slightly forced on Absence.
Oh, how amazing this poem is. It would be a six if not for scansion issues.
So sorry to have to take off two stars from a six for the scansion issues, but I'd be happy to upgrade accordingly if you make revisions.
You have a new fan. Nice to see a new member with such a gift for poetry!
Bravo.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Hello
Many thanks for the review â?? and I apologise for the delay with this reply â?? I am making ready to go on leave and things are hectic.
It is a pleasure to receive such a thoughtful review â?? so many are commentary but not much in the way of substance.
I do see your point(s) and in mitigation, this was very much an â??exerciseâ?? more than anything else (I could not let go of â??mauveâ?? for example â?? even though I knew I must if I was competing).
I do think you will find Basalt and basalt are both acceptable â?? I use dictionary.com to help me out on these issues. While English can be standardised when written, it is very hard to do so when spoken and there are so many arbitrary pronunciations. Again, these are words we should maybe avoid, but here I indulged myself. So â?? you say ba-SALT and I say BA-salt (as the song almost goes).
The piece is really meant to be spoken but it is hard to get people to read it once, let alone speak it: I regrt that the sheer weight of material available on the internet makes a proper consideration a real luxury: hence my gratitude to you for your time and effort.
I will take on board your advice and use it as needed â?? but first: a long family holiday...
My warm regards
I wish you well.
phill
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What a wonderfully gracious response, Phil. Thank you--from my heart! So refreshing, too, since the majotiry of people get miffed at lower scores instead of appreciating the time and consideration offered in review. Your appreciation is much appreciated!
I look forward to reading more of your work, as you are word-wizard, I think, and I see you're mature about reviews. Yipeee!! Have a wonderful vacation and thanks for taking time to respond in depth. I understand exactly what you mean about reading aloud--and always write my works with that in mind...I usually read works aloud when I review them.
Very warm regards and warm welcome to the Fanstory family
rd
Comment from patsypats
The imagery you have displayed is vivid and creates great character.The flow is a little difficult to follow but it's the intensity of your words that makes me stumble and that's not a bad thing:)
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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The imagery you have displayed is vivid and creates great character.The flow is a little difficult to follow but it's the intensity of your words that makes me stumble and that's not a bad thing:)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
-
Hello there
I am sorry to come back to you so late â?? thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading Wilfrid Thesigerâ??s books about the Marsh Arab and the Empty Quarter of Saudi and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it: it was really just meant to be night and day views of the same 'empty' space...
Warm regards
phill
Comment from Ja9Johnson
This is poetry at its best - evocative and lyrical use of language, strong and haunting imagery, imaginative metaphors. There is so much here to love that it's hard to choose a single line, but my favorite is "From spider threads, ripe rosaries of dew cascade;" Wow. Great visual image with that line. Kudos!
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
 |
This is poetry at its best - evocative and lyrical use of language, strong and haunting imagery, imaginative metaphors. There is so much here to love that it's hard to choose a single line, but my favorite is "From spider threads, ripe rosaries of dew cascade;" Wow. Great visual image with that line. Kudos!
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
-
Hello there
I am sorry to come back to you so late â?? thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading Wilfrid Thesigerâ??s books about the Marsh Arab and the Empty Quarter of Saudi and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it: it was really just meant to be night and day views of the same 'empty' space...
Warm regards
phill
PS: and I really do appreciate the rating - I actaully got mauled by other reviewers, so thanks for the confidence boost
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You certainly did not deserve a mauling for such a fabulously written piece! As you may have observed for yourself, there is a certain segement of readers here on FS who seem to gravitate towards poems that feature babies, butterflies, puppies, rainbows and any pome that talks about tears and souls. Yours is a little too erudite for tastes like these, and requires a reader who can appreciate something more sophisticated. One of the poems I posted on FS won third prize in a field of 400 poems in a poetry contest run by a coalition of poets and judged by committee, yet some people who reviewed it said they couldn't follow it and it was too convuluted! So take those "maulings" with a grain of salt. What you wrote is poetry on a whole different level, and not everyone here will be able to appreciate it - that does not mean it isn't a an amazingly well-written piece. I suspect if any of the great poets of yesterday were posted on this site, there would be a contingent that would give them a rousting.... Best to you! Janine
Comment from Janice Canerdy
Your thought-provoking poem effectively uses a blend of stark and descriptive images to paint this picture. I especially like these metaphors: "tooth," "powdered lions," "cuneiform," "Braille," and "mistake."
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Your thought-provoking poem effectively uses a blend of stark and descriptive images to paint this picture. I especially like these metaphors: "tooth," "powdered lions," "cuneiform," "Braille," and "mistake."
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
-
Hello there
I am sorry to come back to you so late â?? thank you for the kind words and encouragement: I had been reading Wilfrid Thesigerâ??s books about the Marsh Arab and the Empty Quarter of Saudi and this was just a projection to that place I think â?? or at least it is what I think of that place, but in the context of a greater desert (the Sahara â?? actually I was thinking of its southern area, the Sahel).
But, as the notes say, it was only an exercise and I am pleased that you enjoyed it: it was really just meant to be night and day views of the same 'empty' space...
Warm regards
phill