The Tree
A picture inspired story30 total reviews
Comment from AlvinTEthington
A very spooky story. At first, I thought it would turn out like Shel Silverteen's "The Tree" but this is much more horrifying than that. a gruesome tale.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
  |
A very spooky story. At first, I thought it would turn out like Shel Silverteen's "The Tree" but this is much more horrifying than that. a gruesome tale.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
-
Thank you Alvin, I'm honored that you feel this is worth six stars. I don't often write tales of this type but I'm so glad you feel it works.
Beth
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Beth, you probably should start this story closer to the ending and fill in the essentials. Perhaps a wild eyed Jon should be being interviewed by the police. Jon can tell his story in a quick narrative and the police investigator can be skeptical of the supernatural undertones of the case. Then, as the remains are removed and the investigator is about to leave, the lightning strikes, obliterating the victim's living cry for justice. That'll give the ending the significance it deserves. Very imaginative, by the way. :) nancy
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
 |
Beth, you probably should start this story closer to the ending and fill in the essentials. Perhaps a wild eyed Jon should be being interviewed by the police. Jon can tell his story in a quick narrative and the police investigator can be skeptical of the supernatural undertones of the case. Then, as the remains are removed and the investigator is about to leave, the lightning strikes, obliterating the victim's living cry for justice. That'll give the ending the significance it deserves. Very imaginative, by the way. :) nancy
Comment Written 16-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
-
Nancy, Thank you for reviewing and for your helpful suggestions. In the beginning, this was a much shorter story but everyone reading it told me it needed to be longer so I just added to what I already had. If I decide to to it over,I think your suggestion will be the way to go.
Beth
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes I enjoyed your story you bring the whole thing to life with descriptions and dialogue throughout well done a very creative story based on the picture well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
|
Yes I enjoyed your story you bring the whole thing to life with descriptions and dialogue throughout well done a very creative story based on the picture well done regards Jill
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Thank you Jill, I appreciate the review and comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story.
Beth
Comment from justatuna
I really enjoyed reading your story. I thought it was excellent. I don't give advice on structure. Not my place. Great imager and flow. Most importantly, a great story. Thanks.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
|
I really enjoyed reading your story. I thought it was excellent. I don't give advice on structure. Not my place. Great imager and flow. Most importantly, a great story. Thanks.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Thank you for reading and leaving your comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed and I appreciate the stars.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Wow! You wrote a wonderful fiction short story. I enjoyed reading it. It flowed smoothly and moved at a great pace. The characters and the dialogue were good.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
|
Wow! You wrote a wonderful fiction short story. I enjoyed reading it. It flowed smoothly and moved at a great pace. The characters and the dialogue were good.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Barbara, I'm so pleased that you liked my story enough to part with one of those precious sixes. I really appreciate your review and nice comments.
Beth
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Beth,
Nice and eerie! I just love the supernatural and you pulled this story off beautifully. I just think the couple will have a hard time selling the property once word gets out about the murder. I found just a little spag as follows:
Put apostrophe for Susan - Susan's eyes and put comma after ...get my camera," Nice work. Lou
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
|
Hi Beth,
Nice and eerie! I just love the supernatural and you pulled this story off beautifully. I just think the couple will have a hard time selling the property once word gets out about the murder. I found just a little spag as follows:
Put apostrophe for Susan - Susan's eyes and put comma after ...get my camera," Nice work. Lou
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Thank you Louise, I really appreciate your review and comments. I especially appreciate you catching those spags.
Beth
Comment from Pyroose
Stop curtailing your awesomeness "What the hell....Would you look at that. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? John stared at the birch tree (in disbelief.) The phrase (in disbelief) is an example of you "curtailing your awesomeness". The phrase is redundant, it's redundant because you've all-ready done a superb job of illustrating John's disbelief. I think its about the eleventh paragraph down...vivid description, you nailed it; I was in the room drawing back old curtains an sneezing along with Susan. My only criticism about that paragraph hails from the sentence: "Walking to (insert a 'the') window, she pulled back the heavy..." This is a physical impossibility; you can't walk to a window and pull back a curtain at the same time--it's one or the other, or it's one after the other, but both can't happen simultaneously.
One last thing...consider that you might frequently handle dialogue as a mere means for exposition--as I read, I got that impression more than once. you want to avoid that, people that read a lot, and especially people who write a lot, will notice that right away.
I love that you have a handle on concision and brevity.
Great effort.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
|
Stop curtailing your awesomeness "What the hell....Would you look at that. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? John stared at the birch tree (in disbelief.) The phrase (in disbelief) is an example of you "curtailing your awesomeness". The phrase is redundant, it's redundant because you've all-ready done a superb job of illustrating John's disbelief. I think its about the eleventh paragraph down...vivid description, you nailed it; I was in the room drawing back old curtains an sneezing along with Susan. My only criticism about that paragraph hails from the sentence: "Walking to (insert a 'the') window, she pulled back the heavy..." This is a physical impossibility; you can't walk to a window and pull back a curtain at the same time--it's one or the other, or it's one after the other, but both can't happen simultaneously.
One last thing...consider that you might frequently handle dialogue as a mere means for exposition--as I read, I got that impression more than once. you want to avoid that, people that read a lot, and especially people who write a lot, will notice that right away.
I love that you have a handle on concision and brevity.
Great effort.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Thank for the review. Since you gave me your opinions of what you consider flaws, I can't be too upset with you for taking away my six star rating I was so proud of. The conversation is exactly as my husband and I would talk so I didn't think anyone would see it as exposition. Aparently you're the only one who did. I can see the redundant use of (in disbelief) so I will change that. I will also say, She walked to the window and pulled...ect. Is there anything else I should do to get you to up my rating?
Beth
-
You just did. Quality writing depends less on intellect and more on heart. Your openness to listen shows that you have heart.
-
Thank you. For that I'll give you a reviewers nomination.
Beth :)
Comment from Träumerin
Clever and imaginative story, Beth. Realistic dialogue.
It might be interesting to expand the conflict between your two characters. Jon is initially angry with Sue's "so-called clairvoyant feelings" but one restless night brings him around. He loves her deeply and is concerned for her, but he's also carried away with excitement over inheriting the property. How can you heighten the emotional tension?
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
 |
Clever and imaginative story, Beth. Realistic dialogue.
It might be interesting to expand the conflict between your two characters. Jon is initially angry with Sue's "so-called clairvoyant feelings" but one restless night brings him around. He loves her deeply and is concerned for her, but he's also carried away with excitement over inheriting the property. How can you heighten the emotional tension?
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Thank you for the review and comments. I appreciate your suggestion. I think knowing that my last living relative was a murderer would be enough to make me want to get as far away as possible. That would have to be a shock.
Beth
Comment from jmdg1954
Beth... If I had more stars I would give them to you. This story was awesome. This could easily be lengthened into a short story and/or even a novel. It had me glued to my iPhone screen reading it. It was great. Thanks!! John
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
|
Beth... If I had more stars I would give them to you. This story was awesome. This could easily be lengthened into a short story and/or even a novel. It had me glued to my iPhone screen reading it. It was great. Thanks!! John
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Wow! Thank you, John. I'm so pleased you found this worthy of all those stars.
Beth
Comment from adewpearl
Excellent pairing of photo and story
Excellent opening dialogue
You create mood well with Susan's suspicions about the tree
What an eerie story - that is sure one original way to dispose of a body and get away with murder!! :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
|
Excellent pairing of photo and story
Excellent opening dialogue
You create mood well with Susan's suspicions about the tree
What an eerie story - that is sure one original way to dispose of a body and get away with murder!! :-) Brooke
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
-
Thank you Brooke,
I'm so glad this worked for you. It's not my kind of story but I couldn't figure out a way to make it funny.
Beth