Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Tanika Moon"Murder Mystery
53 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline1616
I am really impressed with this!! It's not at all my usual read yet I couldn't stop. I'm very curious about the whole thing now and really want to continue to read it. I love the intermix of reality (investigative cops) and supernatural (Healers and dreams). And fabulously written. Thank you. I think I've GOT to read the rest.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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I am really impressed with this!! It's not at all my usual read yet I couldn't stop. I'm very curious about the whole thing now and really want to continue to read it. I love the intermix of reality (investigative cops) and supernatural (Healers and dreams). And fabulously written. Thank you. I think I've GOT to read the rest.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Hi, Jacqueline. I am flying high with this splendid review! You are really most kind to take time to read my chapter, and share your insights. Thank you so very much! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hi Bev,
I haven't kept up with your work of late, but I'm glad I read this chapter. I like how you go from the concrete world of science and logic to the phantom world. Brings to mind traits such as intuition, feelings, hunches juxtaposed with pure science. Great contrast.
Loved this paragraph (though there are many other good ones): "Debra Padget's body would be released by the Coroner in the next twenty four hours. Derek pictured the niece, Darcy Shaw, soaking up the limelight of a high-profile funeral, and then sashaying off to gorge on the pickings of her aunt's estate. He'd witnessed the phenomenon many times, yet the cunning blonde stood out, even in that group of ghouls."
Wonderful iimagery and word choice.
Ray
All in all, a wonderfully descriptive chapter.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Hi Bev,
I haven't kept up with your work of late, but I'm glad I read this chapter. I like how you go from the concrete world of science and logic to the phantom world. Brings to mind traits such as intuition, feelings, hunches juxtaposed with pure science. Great contrast.
Loved this paragraph (though there are many other good ones): "Debra Padget's body would be released by the Coroner in the next twenty four hours. Derek pictured the niece, Darcy Shaw, soaking up the limelight of a high-profile funeral, and then sashaying off to gorge on the pickings of her aunt's estate. He'd witnessed the phenomenon many times, yet the cunning blonde stood out, even in that group of ghouls."
Wonderful iimagery and word choice.
Ray
All in all, a wonderfully descriptive chapter.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Hi, Ray. What a delightful review! Thank you for taking time to read my chapter. Your insights regarding what you enjoyed really make my day. I appreciate all the effort that went into this review; and, of course, your very generous six. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
You manage to tell a crisp concise story with effective dialogue and at the same time decorate it with wonderful poetic images. I am referring to your description of Jana's journey into the world of the spirit.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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You manage to tell a crisp concise story with effective dialogue and at the same time decorate it with wonderful poetic images. I am referring to your description of Jana's journey into the world of the spirit.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much, Dallas. I really appreciate your continued interest in my story. Very generous and kind of you.
I wasn't sure about the dream section, so your comments are especially satisfying.
Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome. It was very creative
Comment from barkingdog
My goodness, Bev. If I hadn't seen you on page one, I'd have missed you. You were lost at the bottom of three pages of PM's. Lots of double posters. I try to do at least one of each and delete the second. I can't keep up and some never review me anyway. Enough bitching> Ha
This is brilliant. I'll go to note pad now.
You've dotted this piece with alliteration and consonance strings. I guess you just think that way.
-'l' consonance in first sentence: Oleson/ civilians/emotional fallout/law.
-alliteration in the second:
divorce, depression/due/dogged; salary slightly/seven eleven(this also has 'l' consonance.
[Just an observation. It may be one reason that your words flow so easily you are innately aware of their lyrical patterns. This is your voice. Cool stuff. ]
-Whenever humanly possible,[I would delete this. Why qualify an order. We know he'll go to the bathroom to be human. LOL]
The addition of Jana's 'skill' via her Indian heritage is fantastic.
"Lost and angry souls are drawn to the energy of healers." His eyes bored into hers(: replace with a period) "Even those who are not fully walking that path."
-though she ached as she watched[I know you mean her heart ached but the word 'ached' took me back to the snapped bone from the earlier wrist twisting. Try saying this a different way.]
Now that was damn scary, Debra's tormented face on the demon. Great image red, raw ribbons (nice alliteration, too) of flesh and a wafer taped to her mouth. OMG!
A nice little prayer.
And them back with the horror. (Great pacing . It's like you let Jana take a breath in the dream and then the vision she's having continues.)
-you use twisted again in the final paragraph. You had it just above with the twisted wrist. Choose one and change the other. Contorted with rage comes to mind.
Great vision/dream. Jana felt the pain. Her uncle warned against feeling it. What does that mean? The uncle didn't say what happens to the one who allows the pain to be felt. Is that why the dream continued and she saw more because she didn't tell the clawed one to leave? It took form and continued to haunt her. If so then I guess she's stuck with the visions. Shoulda listened to her uncle. LOL but then where would your story be without her 'sight.'
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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My goodness, Bev. If I hadn't seen you on page one, I'd have missed you. You were lost at the bottom of three pages of PM's. Lots of double posters. I try to do at least one of each and delete the second. I can't keep up and some never review me anyway. Enough bitching> Ha
This is brilliant. I'll go to note pad now.
You've dotted this piece with alliteration and consonance strings. I guess you just think that way.
-'l' consonance in first sentence: Oleson/ civilians/emotional fallout/law.
-alliteration in the second:
divorce, depression/due/dogged; salary slightly/seven eleven(this also has 'l' consonance.
[Just an observation. It may be one reason that your words flow so easily you are innately aware of their lyrical patterns. This is your voice. Cool stuff. ]
-Whenever humanly possible,[I would delete this. Why qualify an order. We know he'll go to the bathroom to be human. LOL]
The addition of Jana's 'skill' via her Indian heritage is fantastic.
"Lost and angry souls are drawn to the energy of healers." His eyes bored into hers(: replace with a period) "Even those who are not fully walking that path."
-though she ached as she watched[I know you mean her heart ached but the word 'ached' took me back to the snapped bone from the earlier wrist twisting. Try saying this a different way.]
Now that was damn scary, Debra's tormented face on the demon. Great image red, raw ribbons (nice alliteration, too) of flesh and a wafer taped to her mouth. OMG!
A nice little prayer.
And them back with the horror. (Great pacing . It's like you let Jana take a breath in the dream and then the vision she's having continues.)
-you use twisted again in the final paragraph. You had it just above with the twisted wrist. Choose one and change the other. Contorted with rage comes to mind.
Great vision/dream. Jana felt the pain. Her uncle warned against feeling it. What does that mean? The uncle didn't say what happens to the one who allows the pain to be felt. Is that why the dream continued and she saw more because she didn't tell the clawed one to leave? It took form and continued to haunt her. If so then I guess she's stuck with the visions. Shoulda listened to her uncle. LOL but then where would your story be without her 'sight.'
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Ellen, thank you so much for this superb review! You've helped me in so many ways with your insights. I follow so many poets - read a lot of poetry on the site - so it's so cool to see that it may be 'sticking'. I'm going to go back and change with your suggestions in mind. I thank you so much for generosity and support, Ellen. I'd nominate you for reviewer, but I've used those up, too.
Hugs, Bev
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Reviewer noms are useless. A thank you is fine. Oh, I meant to tell you when you use ellipses: leave no space before them and only one after. No period necessary. All this is from Kim(PT who's editing for me.) And only two per chapter.
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Thanks, Ellen. I've gotten different information on the ellipses both from the site and elsewhere: One space before and one space after.
It's tough to only use one per chapter. I'll watch that as it's probably more of a bad habit than anything else.
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Purrfect Tale, Kim, IS an EDITOR. She does it for a living in an office besides taking side word. She says NO space before but one after. I read all the other stuff on the net and have listened to those on site but will go with the one who gets paid to know.
And only TWO per chapter. Tough it out, that's the way the publishers and editors want it.
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Thank you, Ellen.
Comment from Curtis Hatch
The story is moving at a good steady pace. It has suspense, conflict and mystery all rolled in. The characters are fully engaged as they attempt to solve a murder. Curtis
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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The story is moving at a good steady pace. It has suspense, conflict and mystery all rolled in. The characters are fully engaged as they attempt to solve a murder. Curtis
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Curtis, thank you so much for your time and excellent review. I appreciate your insights and support. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Healthyheartpoet
This story is riveting, it held my attention all the way through. The characters were very well developed. The scenes you created with your emotion packed words made for a suspenseful read. I like the way you portrayed Jana's dream, she woke up truly shakened by the experience.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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This story is riveting, it held my attention all the way through. The characters were very well developed. The scenes you created with your emotion packed words made for a suspenseful read. I like the way you portrayed Jana's dream, she woke up truly shakened by the experience.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Thank you so very much, hhp. Your specific insights into the chapter are extremely helpful ... and appreciated. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from RaymondJohn
I used to use italics when I was getting into the head of a bad guy. It's interesting you do, too. Great movement in the chapter. Crisp dialog and suspenseful throughout. Excellent write. Ray
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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I used to use italics when I was getting into the head of a bad guy. It's interesting you do, too. Great movement in the chapter. Crisp dialog and suspenseful throughout. Excellent write. Ray
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Ray. 'Excellent' coming from one of my favorite onsite mystery writers is pretty darned cool! Thanks, my friend.
Bev
Comment from Ira White
Kept me on the edge. Nice use of dream scenes. The Uncle scene where he never sates he knows but says things that clue her in that he does was well done. Subtle. Adds mystery. I found no technical errors and I appreciate that. Too many post pieces that are not ready for prime time yet.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Kept me on the edge. Nice use of dream scenes. The Uncle scene where he never sates he knows but says things that clue her in that he does was well done. Subtle. Adds mystery. I found no technical errors and I appreciate that. Too many post pieces that are not ready for prime time yet.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Hi, Ira. Thank you so much for choosing to read my chapter. I appreciate very much your helpful insights into the workings of the chapter. That's always so helpful. And I'm thrilled to be SPAG-free! Take care, Bev
Comment from Scribbler67
As always, a well written, very readable and engrossing chapter.
The imagery is most effective, and I particularly like the incorporation of the dream scenes and Native American lore.
I think I'm falling in love with Sheriff Oleson!
Great stuff. More soon I hope.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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As always, a well written, very readable and engrossing chapter.
The imagery is most effective, and I particularly like the incorporation of the dream scenes and Native American lore.
I think I'm falling in love with Sheriff Oleson!
Great stuff. More soon I hope.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Hi, Scribbler. More darkness coming soon!
Thank you so much for this wonderfully generous and supportive review. I'm rather fond of Derek myself, Scribbler.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Jean Lutz
I've jumped into the middle of the story so I can only comment as if this were a stand alone writing. It is compelling -- all in a days work? Modern technology and ancient cures blending!
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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I've jumped into the middle of the story so I can only comment as if this were a stand alone writing. It is compelling -- all in a days work? Modern technology and ancient cures blending!
Comment Written 24-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2012
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Hiya, Jean. Thank you for taking time out to read my chapter. I really appreciate your generous review and support. Warm regards, Bev