Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "A Hoka Moon, Pt. 1"Murder Mystery
57 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A well written part of this story. Good use of dialogue and descriptive language. Good story line and character development. Interesting and enjoyable write~DEbbie
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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A well written part of this story. Good use of dialogue and descriptive language. Good story line and character development. Interesting and enjoyable write~DEbbie
Comment Written 21-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Thanks for the generous and encouraging review, Debbie. I appreciate you taking time to read! Hugs, Bev
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
This is the first of your chapters that I've read. Must say, I am very impressed with your writing abilities! You have a marvelous way with words that enables the reader to actually visualize the scene, the characters, and even the smells in the old man's home. All I can say is 'Bravo'. Best writing I've seen on this site! Betty
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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This is the first of your chapters that I've read. Must say, I am very impressed with your writing abilities! You have a marvelous way with words that enables the reader to actually visualize the scene, the characters, and even the smells in the old man's home. All I can say is 'Bravo'. Best writing I've seen on this site! Betty
Comment Written 21-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much, Betty. You have really touched my heart with this wonderfully generous and encouraging review. I really appreciate you taking time out to read and comment. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Bev, dear,
Whodunnits are your forte, I think - I am loving this read. It has a really peppy fast pace to it. Great dialogue.
a haggard bush - love the image this phrase invokes
Can't wait for more!!
Spags:
tabby (lower case t)
follow up (no hyphen)
themself - doesn't sound correct - suggestion: him or herself ...?
hard earned - no hyphen
fellahs - no apostrophe
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Hi Bev, dear,
Whodunnits are your forte, I think - I am loving this read. It has a really peppy fast pace to it. Great dialogue.
a haggard bush - love the image this phrase invokes
Can't wait for more!!
Spags:
tabby (lower case t)
follow up (no hyphen)
themself - doesn't sound correct - suggestion: him or herself ...?
hard earned - no hyphen
fellahs - no apostrophe
Comment Written 21-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Hiya, R4TS. Thank you so much for this very helpful review. I really appreciate your suggestions and the careful attention to the details. Your generous rating is icing on the cake. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Rondeno
Hi, Bev!
What a terrific read this is. So many people try their hand at cop fiction, and it's as dull as ditch water, but yours really works. The narrative is crisp, the dialogue is to die for, and - just one example - Skeets disparages the fat cat, then spots his own "spare tire". This humanizes him, and gets us on his side. Wonderful!
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Hi, Bev!
What a terrific read this is. So many people try their hand at cop fiction, and it's as dull as ditch water, but yours really works. The narrative is crisp, the dialogue is to die for, and - just one example - Skeets disparages the fat cat, then spots his own "spare tire". This humanizes him, and gets us on his side. Wonderful!
Comment Written 21-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much, Michael. I really appreciate the great review. Taking time to read my chapter really means a lot to me. The support is invaluable. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from JM daSilva
Great descriptions. Great dialog. There are spags, however, mechanics is something you can get in no time, but talent to write a story is something else. Congratulations.
I have some editing suggestions for you.
A cat that's too fat to climb a fence is plain pathetic. *funny line*
Skeets looked down at the inch of fat that lapped over his belt. Silently *(introductory phrase comma, even when it is one word,)*
interior chain bolt. A man with thick-lensed glasses peered through the gap. He blinked against the daylight coming through the door - (if you push CNTRL and - you get a real dash) the
Skeets produced his I.D. (comma for parenthetical clause) which Frankie snatched from his
nose piece (nosepiece)
"This shouldn't take long, Mr. Durbin. We have a new lead in the case of Mrs. Padget. We believe the person responsible for her death is passing themself *(is the mistake on purpose? Does the detective speak like that too? Because it seemed out of character to me due to the way he's been speaking so far, then I'd say "themselves"*) off as a nurse or health care worker.
Suddenly, Frankie was uncomfortably close. "I watch a lotta cop shows **comma before "and" when it is followed by a subject**and I know you fellah's have a window of opportunity that's
Holding direct eye contact, he continued, "The best thing you can do is (remove to) to keep
He decided to play it on the safe side ("play it safe" is shorter, but it is a clich©, but if you rephrase a clich©, it is still a clich©). "
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Great descriptions. Great dialog. There are spags, however, mechanics is something you can get in no time, but talent to write a story is something else. Congratulations.
I have some editing suggestions for you.
A cat that's too fat to climb a fence is plain pathetic. *funny line*
Skeets looked down at the inch of fat that lapped over his belt. Silently *(introductory phrase comma, even when it is one word,)*
interior chain bolt. A man with thick-lensed glasses peered through the gap. He blinked against the daylight coming through the door - (if you push CNTRL and - you get a real dash) the
Skeets produced his I.D. (comma for parenthetical clause) which Frankie snatched from his
nose piece (nosepiece)
"This shouldn't take long, Mr. Durbin. We have a new lead in the case of Mrs. Padget. We believe the person responsible for her death is passing themself *(is the mistake on purpose? Does the detective speak like that too? Because it seemed out of character to me due to the way he's been speaking so far, then I'd say "themselves"*) off as a nurse or health care worker.
Suddenly, Frankie was uncomfortably close. "I watch a lotta cop shows **comma before "and" when it is followed by a subject**and I know you fellah's have a window of opportunity that's
Holding direct eye contact, he continued, "The best thing you can do is (remove to) to keep
He decided to play it on the safe side ("play it safe" is shorter, but it is a clich©, but if you rephrase a clich©, it is still a clich©). "
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Wow, I really appreciate this generous review, JM. You've obviously taken a great deal of time dissecting the piece, and I really appreciate the insights and supportive comments. I will definitely go back and look at each area with your suggestions in mind.
Kindest regards, Bev
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You're welcome.I'm happy to help if I can.
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You have, and I thank you once again.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I didn't pause for a second. It all played out like a cop show scene in my head. I really like Skeets - he's so HUMAN and so cop. You're brilliant with your characters, Bev. They're real, and that's as it should be.
Great post. Love the clue about the orange pick-up. Your building up this story with great skill, taking the reader along for the ride with no resistance at all.
Love it. Can't wait for the next installment.
Av
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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I didn't pause for a second. It all played out like a cop show scene in my head. I really like Skeets - he's so HUMAN and so cop. You're brilliant with your characters, Bev. They're real, and that's as it should be.
Great post. Love the clue about the orange pick-up. Your building up this story with great skill, taking the reader along for the ride with no resistance at all.
Love it. Can't wait for the next installment.
Av
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Av, thank you so much for your absolutely wonderful review. I'm so glad you enjoyed reading my chapter and appreciate your insights into my character, Skeets. Problem is that I like a fair number of my characters LOL. Thank you, as always, for your generosity and support, my friend. I means a lot coming from you. Hugs, Bev
Comment from wordsfromsue
Frankie is a lovable character to read about, but I don't know if I'd want to have coffee in his kitchen. Sounds lonely. But he remembers the truck. Don't know if I could remember something lime that. Funny, how he remembers unusual things about the truck's appearance. I hope the killer doesn't realize it was Frankie who mentioned his truck to the police.
Okay, tell the detective to lay off the tubby tabby. :-)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Frankie is a lovable character to read about, but I don't know if I'd want to have coffee in his kitchen. Sounds lonely. But he remembers the truck. Don't know if I could remember something lime that. Funny, how he remembers unusual things about the truck's appearance. I hope the killer doesn't realize it was Frankie who mentioned his truck to the police.
Okay, tell the detective to lay off the tubby tabby. :-)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Hi, Sue. I am hoping I can keep Frankie alive LOL. And I will try to go easy on cats in any future chapters.
Thanks so much, my friend, for reading this chapter. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me. Hugs, Bev
Comment from PoeticXscape
This was exciting and deserves the ribbons. I enjoyed the expressive wording and emotion used. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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This was exciting and deserves the ribbons. I enjoyed the expressive wording and emotion used. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much, Poetic. I really appreciate your gracious and generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
I love old Frankie and his gal Sally. LOL Talk about jumping off the page realistic! Fantastic writing, Bev. Dialogue is perfect.Internal dialogue outstanding.
His eyelashes were magnified wings, he is outspoken, has a gap-toothed grin and an intact memory.
The opening with the fat cat was perfect for Skeets. He probably can't climb a fence either with his donut over-lap.LOL
So we have a fat cop, a bit pathetic wadding through puddles, meeting up with a feisty gun-totting old codger.
Marvelously visual. You're style is off-the-wall-grab-and-pull-me-in
wonderful.
I'm still floating and wanted to read more. Right now.
And then the site cheats you of a six. I'm not a happy camper right now.
Love it and hope you are recognized for chapter of the month with this. You'll have my vote!!
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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I love old Frankie and his gal Sally. LOL Talk about jumping off the page realistic! Fantastic writing, Bev. Dialogue is perfect.Internal dialogue outstanding.
His eyelashes were magnified wings, he is outspoken, has a gap-toothed grin and an intact memory.
The opening with the fat cat was perfect for Skeets. He probably can't climb a fence either with his donut over-lap.LOL
So we have a fat cop, a bit pathetic wadding through puddles, meeting up with a feisty gun-totting old codger.
Marvelously visual. You're style is off-the-wall-grab-and-pull-me-in
wonderful.
I'm still floating and wanted to read more. Right now.
And then the site cheats you of a six. I'm not a happy camper right now.
Love it and hope you are recognized for chapter of the month with this. You'll have my vote!!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Ellen, thank you so much for this really awesome review! I am honored given that I consider you a superbly visual writer. Thank you, my friend, for your encouragement and support. It means a lot to me as does your wish for a six. Love ya, Bev
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I've had to curse three times so far today. You, Maureen and Margaret. Shit a brick--a brick wall!
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Oh, I know what you mean. I'm so upset when Sunday comes. Folks have gotten smart and save a lot of good material for the first of the week. I've fanned sixty four and am following 15+ at a time. You can imagine how fast the sixes go. So, I apologize right up front if I can't give you a six every time like I want to and like I think you deserve, Ellen. XXX Bev
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I am mostly shut out by the site to give sixes. I know what you mean by the onslaught of Sunday posts. It's gotten to where I can't read two-a-day posters. I try to get to two per person per week. Some like you or Margaret, I'll go to three, but when people look like they are just posting like greedy little piggies, I can't justify my 'vote.'
I know some come to the site with years of stored posts. All they have to do is dust them off and go for multiple posts. I don't care how good they are, I refuse to recognize piggies. New work should be read and review.
I'm watching the inauguration right now. Bye Bye.:)
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I think I need a good dose of your common sense, buddy. Enjoy the show! Xxx Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoy this story.
A cat that's too fat to climb a fence is plain pathetic. (true, but many Tom's are fat and lazy. LOL)
Holding direct eye contact, he continued. "The best thing you can do is to keep your doors (comma after continued)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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I enjoy this story.
A cat that's too fat to climb a fence is plain pathetic. (true, but many Tom's are fat and lazy. LOL)
Holding direct eye contact, he continued. "The best thing you can do is to keep your doors (comma after continued)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Thank you, Barbara. My sister's cat was the inspiration for this one. Really appreciate the generosity and support. :0) Bev