Voyage to confusion
Elizabeth loses control22 total reviews
Comment from Jokerswild
This was a fun read, if a little predictable. Your descriptions of Elizabeth's inner feelings and sensations was a wonderful read. However there are a fairly large number of SPAG errors and continuity problems in this story.
These are just a few of them;
-Para 3,changes in tense from past to present and back again.
-Para 4, redundant use of personal name in 5th line.
-Para 5, repeat of phrase from 4th Para in last line.
-Para 10, needs a comma after younger. And not sure it needs an age at all for the sister. 4th line
-Para 11, 1st line, use of I is the only reference to author in the story.
-Para 13, 1st line needs a comma after kiss.
-Para 15, line check all commas for need to change to periods. Individual actions and thoughts are not separated well.
-Para 15, line 2 use of word "man" after Edmonds name.
This piece need a thorough editing. But, it was a lot of fun to read.
Good luck.
Jackie
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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This was a fun read, if a little predictable. Your descriptions of Elizabeth's inner feelings and sensations was a wonderful read. However there are a fairly large number of SPAG errors and continuity problems in this story.
These are just a few of them;
-Para 3,changes in tense from past to present and back again.
-Para 4, redundant use of personal name in 5th line.
-Para 5, repeat of phrase from 4th Para in last line.
-Para 10, needs a comma after younger. And not sure it needs an age at all for the sister. 4th line
-Para 11, 1st line, use of I is the only reference to author in the story.
-Para 13, 1st line needs a comma after kiss.
-Para 15, line check all commas for need to change to periods. Individual actions and thoughts are not separated well.
-Para 15, line 2 use of word "man" after Edmonds name.
This piece need a thorough editing. But, it was a lot of fun to read.
Good luck.
Jackie
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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thanks
Comment from Ducorse
Very well written. I enjoyed this very much. In the following line I think the second coma can be left out. It seems out of place.
"Sarah, I want you to help me, look especially pretty tonight as I will not be seeing my friends and family for a year.
I didn't see anything else but my eye for punctuation is not that good.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Very well written. I enjoyed this very much. In the following line I think the second coma can be left out. It seems out of place.
"Sarah, I want you to help me, look especially pretty tonight as I will not be seeing my friends and family for a year.
I didn't see anything else but my eye for punctuation is not that good.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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thank you i will correct it.
Comment from Yeflargetharb
Oh, spicy. Elizabeth, you naughty, naughty girl.
Everything was written smoothly, and you can tell that there's only going to be more SCANDALOUS FUN STUFF from here on out.
A good chapter, this was.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Oh, spicy. Elizabeth, you naughty, naughty girl.
Everything was written smoothly, and you can tell that there's only going to be more SCANDALOUS FUN STUFF from here on out.
A good chapter, this was.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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thanks
Comment from donalola
Well, well well, I can see why you got so much joy at writing this chapter. I enjoyed it too and look forward to read the novel. My comments are invalid because I am not a fan of erotic writing when it is so explicit. I am aware of the great market for it. If I had to write a sexual encounter I guess I will be a little prude and disguise it in tantalizing words to let the reader know, for example, that Edmond was greatly endowed by a boom of the goddesses...and Fiona and Elizabeth will scorch their bloomers. I liked it and as I said I am not a fan of erotica. (Do not judge me by that....)
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Well, well well, I can see why you got so much joy at writing this chapter. I enjoyed it too and look forward to read the novel. My comments are invalid because I am not a fan of erotic writing when it is so explicit. I am aware of the great market for it. If I had to write a sexual encounter I guess I will be a little prude and disguise it in tantalizing words to let the reader know, for example, that Edmond was greatly endowed by a boom of the goddesses...and Fiona and Elizabeth will scorch their bloomers. I liked it and as I said I am not a fan of erotica. (Do not judge me by that....)
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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thank you. im not a fan either but i wanted to enter the contest.
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and you wrote it well, very well!!! keep going I want to read the novel.
Comment from wierdgrace
Oh my goodness, this was great, I read most of the others, and already was going to vote, but then I read this one, I wish I could write like this, good luck in the voting booth, and I bet the next chapter is just as good.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Oh my goodness, this was great, I read most of the others, and already was going to vote, but then I read this one, I wish I could write like this, good luck in the voting booth, and I bet the next chapter is just as good.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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thanks
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Very animalistic sex, but well written. I think it would be helpful to give Elizabeth a compelling reason to go along with sharing a sex partner with her sister. Especially considering the time period of the story.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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Very animalistic sex, but well written. I think it would be helpful to give Elizabeth a compelling reason to go along with sharing a sex partner with her sister. Especially considering the time period of the story.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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i set up this story in the first chapter this one is the second. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
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I will read Chapter One.
Comment from Terror2s
I think this one is the most original that I have read. It is the only interracial here so far, and your storyline is riveting. Good luck. T2
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2013
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I think this one is the most original that I have read. It is the only interracial here so far, and your storyline is riveting. Good luck. T2
Comment Written 21-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2013
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Wow I'm glad u liked it thanks for reviewing
Comment from Martina Lee
You had fun writing it; I had fun reading it. The Mandingo theme is always fun to explore and I look forward to seeing more of Voyage. I will say that you could be more careful with your punctuation and, especially, tenses -- the entire passage of introspection (third paragraph) is a confusion of past and present. Still, a thoroughly enjoyable offering.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2013
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You had fun writing it; I had fun reading it. The Mandingo theme is always fun to explore and I look forward to seeing more of Voyage. I will say that you could be more careful with your punctuation and, especially, tenses -- the entire passage of introspection (third paragraph) is a confusion of past and present. Still, a thoroughly enjoyable offering.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2013
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Thanks yes I did notice the tense issues. I'll have too work on that.
Comment from Whitemorn
Hello. I really liked your title choice for this story.
You used excellent descriptive quality throughout the text body which had something for all three personality types,, especially for the kinesthetic folk.
It was easy to visualize the scene and your method of writing was smooth for this type of style. The erotic aspect in the story was vivid and I'm sure that the "morally bound" would all blush from the scene. ;)
If I were to be critical of anything, it would be that the story felt a bit predictable. I say that because I have read hundreds of similar stories in adult magazines. So many that they no longer attract me. That's why I would encourage you to try and create something a little more outside the box,, yet I'm sure you made the Lone Ranger proud! :D
Best regards! Whitemorn :)
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2013
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Hello. I really liked your title choice for this story.
You used excellent descriptive quality throughout the text body which had something for all three personality types,, especially for the kinesthetic folk.
It was easy to visualize the scene and your method of writing was smooth for this type of style. The erotic aspect in the story was vivid and I'm sure that the "morally bound" would all blush from the scene. ;)
If I were to be critical of anything, it would be that the story felt a bit predictable. I say that because I have read hundreds of similar stories in adult magazines. So many that they no longer attract me. That's why I would encourage you to try and create something a little more outside the box,, yet I'm sure you made the Lone Ranger proud! :D
Best regards! Whitemorn :)
Comment Written 21-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2013
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I will consider that, but we must learn to walk before we can run. Thank you for the kind review and rating.
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How true and you're welcome! :)
Comment from Curtis Hatch
The story is told in intricate detail that allows the reader's imagination to see every event that is taking place. The tale was told in relatively good taste, making it a more enjoyable read.
Following are a few things you may with to consider:
She could sometimes try on four or five dresses, just for a dinner engagement, and now she had to decide every dress she would wear for the next year(-)long adventure, or so she thought at the time.---Try to avoid run on sentences. Optimum sentence length is 7-20 words. This one has 36.
Elizabeth Dorshire, was from a wealthy English family, and she was to go and meet her husband in Brazil, where he had set up a mission in a town(,) he had founded called New Yeshire on the southern coast of the country.---This is another run on sentence with 42 words.
I have to give up everything that is familiar to me(,) and it's very scary.
"That should not be (too)[to] difficult ma'am, you are as delicate and pretty as any woman I have known."
All her friends and family (traveled)[had traveled] from far to wish her well on her journey.
Elizabeth had been so lonely without her husband around(,) and it made her feel good to see all her friends and family again, even though she's sad to be leaving them at the same time.
There is more SPAG, but this is a sampling.
The story needs a thorough edit.
Curtis
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2013
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The story is told in intricate detail that allows the reader's imagination to see every event that is taking place. The tale was told in relatively good taste, making it a more enjoyable read.
Following are a few things you may with to consider:
She could sometimes try on four or five dresses, just for a dinner engagement, and now she had to decide every dress she would wear for the next year(-)long adventure, or so she thought at the time.---Try to avoid run on sentences. Optimum sentence length is 7-20 words. This one has 36.
Elizabeth Dorshire, was from a wealthy English family, and she was to go and meet her husband in Brazil, where he had set up a mission in a town(,) he had founded called New Yeshire on the southern coast of the country.---This is another run on sentence with 42 words.
I have to give up everything that is familiar to me(,) and it's very scary.
"That should not be (too)[to] difficult ma'am, you are as delicate and pretty as any woman I have known."
All her friends and family (traveled)[had traveled] from far to wish her well on her journey.
Elizabeth had been so lonely without her husband around(,) and it made her feel good to see all her friends and family again, even though she's sad to be leaving them at the same time.
There is more SPAG, but this is a sampling.
The story needs a thorough edit.
Curtis
Comment Written 21-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2013
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Thank you correction made. More correction are welcome i will go through it as well.