The Bard of Bel Air
Viewing comments for Prologue "Prologue"A homeless man sees more than people realize.
22 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Sounds like an interesting main character and storyline.
Sorry for the lower rating but I think, even though this is a prologue, there's a bit too much 'telling' and not enough showing. It's like a narrator 'filling in' back-story details, though it is short enough for that to be not such a big issue. It seems to be trying too hard to set the stage of the scene without fully drawing the reader INTO he scene. Hope that makes sense? It is well paced and easy to read with no spag issues, but I think it could be fleshed out just a bit more. I'm not sure, also, about opening with the poem. Is that meant to be on the 'dedication page', the way some books start with a quote?
Also, I strongly advise against opening with any cliche phrasing, like:
when all was said and done
Also, the opening line is vague and makes references to 'IT ALL" sounding nonsensical without letting the reader know what IT refers to. Nor does it let the reader in on who THE BARD is. Though it does effectively explain why:'Now, was not the time.'
This was an amusing and clever pun:
cracker-jack team of cryogenic workers that were just about done wrapping up their work with the deceased, Johnathon Blackwell Senior, both figuratively and literally.
I think the opening is compelling enough to make me want to read chapter one, but it could also use some fine tuning and polishing.
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Sounds like an interesting main character and storyline.
Sorry for the lower rating but I think, even though this is a prologue, there's a bit too much 'telling' and not enough showing. It's like a narrator 'filling in' back-story details, though it is short enough for that to be not such a big issue. It seems to be trying too hard to set the stage of the scene without fully drawing the reader INTO he scene. Hope that makes sense? It is well paced and easy to read with no spag issues, but I think it could be fleshed out just a bit more. I'm not sure, also, about opening with the poem. Is that meant to be on the 'dedication page', the way some books start with a quote?
Also, I strongly advise against opening with any cliche phrasing, like:
when all was said and done
Also, the opening line is vague and makes references to 'IT ALL" sounding nonsensical without letting the reader know what IT refers to. Nor does it let the reader in on who THE BARD is. Though it does effectively explain why:'Now, was not the time.'
This was an amusing and clever pun:
cracker-jack team of cryogenic workers that were just about done wrapping up their work with the deceased, Johnathon Blackwell Senior, both figuratively and literally.
I think the opening is compelling enough to make me want to read chapter one, but it could also use some fine tuning and polishing.
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from Sankey
Not all there huh! A new road of mystery and strange thought from our dear Mikey. One spag in the Author notes hehe. to cho(o)se from. I decided to start
It is a common one from you Amurrikans in Uncle sam same as 'lose' and loose' etc. Funny how in traveling and so on you like to leave out the extra "L" that normal English adds to 'ing' words such as 'trave(l)ling' but then you go and add 'o's' to stuff like lose when it ain't loose and leave out the 'o' in 'choose' as to pick out. I dunno. Only place in USA that speaks pretty spot on English is Boston I believe. Something to do with the Tea Party huh! I feel a new poem coming on ha!
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Not all there huh! A new road of mystery and strange thought from our dear Mikey. One spag in the Author notes hehe. to cho(o)se from. I decided to start
It is a common one from you Amurrikans in Uncle sam same as 'lose' and loose' etc. Funny how in traveling and so on you like to leave out the extra "L" that normal English adds to 'ing' words such as 'trave(l)ling' but then you go and add 'o's' to stuff like lose when it ain't loose and leave out the 'o' in 'choose' as to pick out. I dunno. Only place in USA that speaks pretty spot on English is Boston I believe. Something to do with the Tea Party huh! I feel a new poem coming on ha!
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from Nosha17
I guess the disentangling of a crime always makes for interesting reading for a wide audience. I am not sure yet what the crime is, hopefully you will reveal more. Interesting to have a female detective. We had a great female detective series on TV only a few years ago, her name was Jane Tennyson, with Helen Mirren in the starring role. Great idea for a story, look forward to more. Faye
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I guess the disentangling of a crime always makes for interesting reading for a wide audience. I am not sure yet what the crime is, hopefully you will reveal more. Interesting to have a female detective. We had a great female detective series on TV only a few years ago, her name was Jane Tennyson, with Helen Mirren in the starring role. Great idea for a story, look forward to more. Faye
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
I like the beginning. The poem has the hip hop Bel-Aire style. You picked a dead rich man in a cut throat industry. I like the idea OF the body being in the deep freeze. Let the fight begin. Great work.
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I like the beginning. The poem has the hip hop Bel-Aire style. You picked a dead rich man in a cut throat industry. I like the idea OF the body being in the deep freeze. Let the fight begin. Great work.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from Michaelk
Nice beginning. You set the tone right away. There is motive with the money. Maybe there could be something in his will saying that nobody got any money, it would just be put into a trust fund until he was revived. Imagine the scene at the will reading when that was announced. :)
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Nice beginning. You set the tone right away. There is motive with the money. Maybe there could be something in his will saying that nobody got any money, it would just be put into a trust fund until he was revived. Imagine the scene at the will reading when that was announced. :)
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I'm guessing the bard is a homeless black guy who actually wrote all the songs the bard made a fortune on. The fact the dead man's son inherited everything makes him a suspect as well. Sounds interesting, good start, and will be fun to write and read both. Great poem, too! You really captured the bard well. :)
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I'm guessing the bard is a homeless black guy who actually wrote all the songs the bard made a fortune on. The fact the dead man's son inherited everything makes him a suspect as well. Sounds interesting, good start, and will be fun to write and read both. Great poem, too! You really captured the bard well. :)
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
oh good a mystery and in on the gound floor finally after waiting how long?
good start now to see where your mind takes the commoner
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oh good a mystery and in on the gound floor finally after waiting how long?
good start now to see where your mind takes the commoner
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from CR Delport
Well, you have an interesting premise and sounds like interesting characters. Take that with your wonderful writing style, and I'm sure we'll enjoy the story. Good luck.
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Well, you have an interesting premise and sounds like interesting characters. Take that with your wonderful writing style, and I'm sure we'll enjoy the story. Good luck.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
I'm already infatuated with the female detective you introduced. I like her name. Ironic, I got a shady character yet revealed named Charlie Blackwell. You may be a Seer or gypsy mind reader. Reminds of Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I like this mystery already. You got good grip already, you sucked me in like a vortex whirlpool. I'm a innocent lamb to be slaughtered. Good job! You don't won't your rating to slip. I moved up from 40 to 38 in the ratings. I want to bring you good fortune and a good Omen. Therefore you will receive six lucky stars. Count your doubloons, Sir Mikey, bring it!
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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I'm already infatuated with the female detective you introduced. I like her name. Ironic, I got a shady character yet revealed named Charlie Blackwell. You may be a Seer or gypsy mind reader. Reminds of Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I like this mystery already. You got good grip already, you sucked me in like a vortex whirlpool. I'm a innocent lamb to be slaughtered. Good job! You don't won't your rating to slip. I moved up from 40 to 38 in the ratings. I want to bring you good fortune and a good Omen. Therefore you will receive six lucky stars. Count your doubloons, Sir Mikey, bring it!
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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That was the name of my first girlfriend in the third grade! She kissed me and made a man out of me. I had like thirty short stories I was looking at. Then I started thinking that a good cover up to a killing would be to have someone that planned to be cryogenically frozen upon his death. Kill him and call the crew. This seems easier to write. I don't think I can get into trouble with this. No Pacific ocean rising and mind control stuff. I'm sure I'll come up with something nuts though. Thank you very much sir. A wonderful galaxy indeed! mikey
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I really like mysteries, like Hardy Boys Nancy Drew Mysteries. You can do a lot based on the parameters I saw. A good plot for starts. I bet you got wood after that kiss! LOL! JOKING I heard about some animals that when frozen their heart slows down to near nothing but they are preserved and still alive. Maybe, this will be possible some day. Is she gonna have a sidekick, maybe a different personality, a younger person who is in training perhaps. So, she tries to find out who killed Jonathon Blackwell? That would be a good cover-up, since he was gonna be frozen after death, who would know the difference, except maybe, this crack shot female detective. I'm intrigued, how she discovers that this is a murder not else wise. You got a whole ballpark to hit your home runs. You will think up something, you always do. later Lion King, in a hour I will try to gaze upon the Blood Moon. wackydo
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Oh yeah. I forgot all about the blood moons. These crazies here knock on the door all day for nothing really. Just to see us kinda like little kids! That's why I'm up so late I guess, the only quiet time there is.
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I bet you could write a hell of a poem about them. I bet there is a nurse Ratchet in the house.
Comment from nordicgirl
This is intriguing already. Love The Bard. So much you can do with him. He is like a fly on the wall as well as an excuse to throwvsome poetry in!!! I know you love to do that and I like to read it. A great idea, freeze the victim. Love it! An heir in Baton rouge, cool. Someone poor to come up that deserves a break. I bet you haven't thought more tha a chapter ahead! Hahaha!!!! You at your best. NG
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This is intriguing already. Love The Bard. So much you can do with him. He is like a fly on the wall as well as an excuse to throwvsome poetry in!!! I know you love to do that and I like to read it. A great idea, freeze the victim. Love it! An heir in Baton rouge, cool. Someone poor to come up that deserves a break. I bet you haven't thought more tha a chapter ahead! Hahaha!!!! You at your best. NG
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014