The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "INTERLUDE IN THE THORNS AND GOBLETS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
23 total reviews
Comment from GWHARGIS
I like the scene, but towards the end I felt like Doctorex was telling me about the fight as if it weren't happening then. I haven't seen this in your previous chapters. Usually you put me right there in the thick of it, but this time it felt different. I do like this book and hope you don't take any of this personally. I just know how good you write and how I have been right there every other time. This time I felt like an onlooker. I liked how ou intergrated the song into this and how now it too is a focal point for trouble. Good job. Hey, if no one else says anything, then maybe it's just me.
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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I like the scene, but towards the end I felt like Doctorex was telling me about the fight as if it weren't happening then. I haven't seen this in your previous chapters. Usually you put me right there in the thick of it, but this time it felt different. I do like this book and hope you don't take any of this personally. I just know how good you write and how I have been right there every other time. This time I felt like an onlooker. I liked how ou intergrated the song into this and how now it too is a focal point for trouble. Good job. Hey, if no one else says anything, then maybe it's just me.
Comment Written 25-May-2014
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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Yeah, it's just you! LOL! Hey, I'm L-ingOL! I will check that out. Coming from someone whose writing I respect so much, I don't dare ignore it. Thanks, Gretchen.
Comment from Erik McGinley
7:2 is fine odds if you're Scottish on the 2 side ;)
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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7:2 is fine odds if you're Scottish on the 2 side ;)
Comment Written 25-May-2014
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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Hi, Erik! Thanks for the 6 stars. I hope it was because you liked it.
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It's a good read :)
Comment from Liandra
Wow! The description you have here is brilliant. The images clear, especially when Klasco hoisted Klevin from the floor and onto the table, his knees banging onto it first, then his belly. From there Klasco grabbed the back of his collar with one hand, the seat of his pants with the other...
Well done, Jay,
:) Liandra
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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Wow! The description you have here is brilliant. The images clear, especially when Klasco hoisted Klevin from the floor and onto the table, his knees banging onto it first, then his belly. From there Klasco grabbed the back of his collar with one hand, the seat of his pants with the other...
Well done, Jay,
:) Liandra
Comment Written 25-May-2014
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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Thank you so much, Liandra, for the 6 Stars. Yes, this chapter and next are a good break from the more introspective chapters that preceded them. I'm tickled you like this.
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you're welcome
:)
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Oh, now I am anxious to find out how they escape. It looks like we have not found out all the details of Kabeeze and how the politics of the land work, yet. Giddy
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Oh, now I am anxious to find out how they escape. It looks like we have not found out all the details of Kabeeze and how the politics of the land work, yet. Giddy
Comment Written 24-May-2014
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Oh, there's a lotta worms left in that can, Giddy. Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate having you as a regular more than you know.
Comment from dreamin'
Hi Jay,
You are definitely building the conflict. I will admit that this trip with Klasco seems to be drawn out. However, I'm sure that to read the book in its entirety would make this section not appear so lengthy. I'm just missing Axtilla. It's almost two complete stories in one, and they will eventually merge. I'm hoping, anyway. :)
Suggestions below:
I was of two minds whether I should tell Klasco about the three--at least tell him right now.
Suggested rewrite: I was of two minds whether I should tell Klasco about the three: tell him now, or wait. (for me, this is more suggestive of "two minds")
"...through the (a) labyrinth of hallways..." I know it's a small thing, but I kept going back to that sentence and automatically replaced "the" with "a" every time. I decided it's because "the" suggests familiarity with a place, whereas "a" lets the reader know you're in this maze for the first time. Afterwards, we could make a trip back through it, and then it would be "the labyrinth." Wow, that was really long-winded for a single word change. :)
Great line! "I should not have let my passions overthrow my reason."
"We continued on in good spirits, tracing our earlier steps up and down the halls, following the growing sounds of laughter and voices lifted in not-too-melodious song until we came upon its source and pulled open the door."
Suggested rewrite: We continued on in good spirits, tracing our earlier steps up and down the halls. We followed the growing sounds of laughter and voices lifted in not-too-melodious song, until we came upon its source. Pulling open the door, it seemed that everyone turned to look at us.
We found a vacant table and sat down, and I casually let my eyes roam the room. Of the twenty or so occupants I counted only two females. They wore soiled white aprons with large pockets in the front; I figured they were the tavern maids. That was confirmed when the younger, plumper of the two, caught sight of us, and wove around the tables to get to ours.
There were some empty tables and beyond them, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we had almost had a falling out with earlier sat with their ale and one with a bowl from which he noisily ladled, not all of which found its target, splashing instead on the table.
Suggested rewrite: There were some empty tables, and beyond those, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we'd "met" earlier, sat with their ale. The other greedily shoveled the contents of a bowl toward his mouth, but missed often, spilling it all over the table.
"To my surprise, Klasco began humming the singer's words.... I wasn't prepared to hear him raise his voice and sing the words..."
I'm a little unclear on why the musician would even be singing this song if most of the tavern folks were so against it. Why would they just go after Klasco? Maybe you could change it to something like Klasco hummed along with the tune, but when the musician began to sing, the words Klasco sang were completely different. Or something like that.
"One of his buddies rounded my side of the table, so intent on getting to Klasco that he didn't see my fist which came from my side in a round-house, catching him on the hinge of his jaw just below the ear. It was a sucker punch, I knew, but it was delivered as cleanly as the one I landed on Axtilla's jaw that sent her eyes into pinball mode. His legs simply collapsed where they were and his body's momentum carried his torso forward to his belly, so he didn't look unlike Klevin."
Suggested rewrite: One of his buddies rounded my side of the table, so intent on getting to Klasco that he didn't see my fist come up, catching him on the hinge of his jaw just below the ear. It was a sucker punch, I knew, but it was delivered as cleanly as the one I had landed on Axtilla's jaw that sent her eyes into pinball mode. His legs simply collapsed, and his body's momentum carried his torso forward to his belly. Lying next to his friend, Klevin, they were like a matched pair.
As always, looking forward to the next chapter. I'm anxious to see how these two stack up against seven. Great place to end it.
Debbie
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
You are definitely building the conflict. I will admit that this trip with Klasco seems to be drawn out. However, I'm sure that to read the book in its entirety would make this section not appear so lengthy. I'm just missing Axtilla. It's almost two complete stories in one, and they will eventually merge. I'm hoping, anyway. :)
Suggestions below:
I was of two minds whether I should tell Klasco about the three--at least tell him right now.
Suggested rewrite: I was of two minds whether I should tell Klasco about the three: tell him now, or wait. (for me, this is more suggestive of "two minds")
"...through the (a) labyrinth of hallways..." I know it's a small thing, but I kept going back to that sentence and automatically replaced "the" with "a" every time. I decided it's because "the" suggests familiarity with a place, whereas "a" lets the reader know you're in this maze for the first time. Afterwards, we could make a trip back through it, and then it would be "the labyrinth." Wow, that was really long-winded for a single word change. :)
Great line! "I should not have let my passions overthrow my reason."
"We continued on in good spirits, tracing our earlier steps up and down the halls, following the growing sounds of laughter and voices lifted in not-too-melodious song until we came upon its source and pulled open the door."
Suggested rewrite: We continued on in good spirits, tracing our earlier steps up and down the halls. We followed the growing sounds of laughter and voices lifted in not-too-melodious song, until we came upon its source. Pulling open the door, it seemed that everyone turned to look at us.
We found a vacant table and sat down, and I casually let my eyes roam the room. Of the twenty or so occupants I counted only two females. They wore soiled white aprons with large pockets in the front; I figured they were the tavern maids. That was confirmed when the younger, plumper of the two, caught sight of us, and wove around the tables to get to ours.
There were some empty tables and beyond them, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we had almost had a falling out with earlier sat with their ale and one with a bowl from which he noisily ladled, not all of which found its target, splashing instead on the table.
Suggested rewrite: There were some empty tables, and beyond those, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we'd "met" earlier, sat with their ale. The other greedily shoveled the contents of a bowl toward his mouth, but missed often, spilling it all over the table.
"To my surprise, Klasco began humming the singer's words.... I wasn't prepared to hear him raise his voice and sing the words..."
I'm a little unclear on why the musician would even be singing this song if most of the tavern folks were so against it. Why would they just go after Klasco? Maybe you could change it to something like Klasco hummed along with the tune, but when the musician began to sing, the words Klasco sang were completely different. Or something like that.
"One of his buddies rounded my side of the table, so intent on getting to Klasco that he didn't see my fist which came from my side in a round-house, catching him on the hinge of his jaw just below the ear. It was a sucker punch, I knew, but it was delivered as cleanly as the one I landed on Axtilla's jaw that sent her eyes into pinball mode. His legs simply collapsed where they were and his body's momentum carried his torso forward to his belly, so he didn't look unlike Klevin."
Suggested rewrite: One of his buddies rounded my side of the table, so intent on getting to Klasco that he didn't see my fist come up, catching him on the hinge of his jaw just below the ear. It was a sucker punch, I knew, but it was delivered as cleanly as the one I had landed on Axtilla's jaw that sent her eyes into pinball mode. His legs simply collapsed, and his body's momentum carried his torso forward to his belly. Lying next to his friend, Klevin, they were like a matched pair.
As always, looking forward to the next chapter. I'm anxious to see how these two stack up against seven. Great place to end it.
Debbie
Comment Written 24-May-2014
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Hey, Debbie. Almost every suggestion will be implemented, though I wait until the posting drops to make them. You are on my list for "Thumbs" up referral, just as soon as they are available again to me. I think that's the first of the month. You are so helpful!
Comment from krprice
Delete 'down' after sat. Implicit.
It seemed. . . I casually let my gaze. . .
Use a comma before 'and' in a series of words, clauses, or phrases.
She told us. ..
The table. . . Suggest: Four men occupied the table. . . (Try to avoid using by in instances like this. You can use an active verb instead of a passive one.)
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Delete 'down' after sat. Implicit.
It seemed. . . I casually let my gaze. . .
Use a comma before 'and' in a series of words, clauses, or phrases.
She told us. ..
The table. . . Suggest: Four men occupied the table. . . (Try to avoid using by in instances like this. You can use an active verb instead of a passive one.)
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 24-May-2014
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Thank you for your advise and suggestions.
Comment from padumachitta
hi Jay. I love a good brawl. And why is it that on the eve of something big, some people must find a beer joint to rip apart...sort of classic. Do you know "Firefly'? The Captain had a great bar fight every year on the aninversary of The serentity Valley....anywy, the characters are able to play ut their sides...you draw a good picture of the surroundings...just the right balance...enough to see it, but not so much to bog the reader down...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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hi Jay. I love a good brawl. And why is it that on the eve of something big, some people must find a beer joint to rip apart...sort of classic. Do you know "Firefly'? The Captain had a great bar fight every year on the aninversary of The serentity Valley....anywy, the characters are able to play ut their sides...you draw a good picture of the surroundings...just the right balance...enough to see it, but not so much to bog the reader down...
padumachitta
Comment Written 24-May-2014
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Thank you, Padumachitta, for the 6-er! I know you don't give them away readily (anyone who has one left by Friday evening, is stingy! LOL) , so when I get one I am proud of I've written. I never heard of "Firefly", no, but on the anniversary, I think I'd just stay home. Bless you, dear friend.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
Very well-penned, Jay. You are very skilled at creating a flow with your words and wonderful visuals. Great dialogue...natural speech patterns and realistic. I look forward to the next installment...Stephanie
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Very well-penned, Jay. You are very skilled at creating a flow with your words and wonderful visuals. Great dialogue...natural speech patterns and realistic. I look forward to the next installment...Stephanie
Comment Written 24-May-2014
reply by the author on 24-May-2014
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Thank you, Stephanie. That means so much, coming from you. The next chapter should satisfy you as well.
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That is a kind thing to say. Thank you. I look forward to reading it. Take care
Comment from c_lucas
Seven to two. Almost a fair fight, but the many will fall in due time. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 23-May-2014
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Seven to two. Almost a fair fight, but the many will fall in due time. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 23-May-2014
reply by the author on 23-May-2014
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Thanks, Charlie. But, how'd you know the many will fall? It hasn't posted yet. Have you been looking in my chapter folder? Thanks, friend.
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I felt that seven was not enough against two trained fighters. You're welcome,Jay. Charlie
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Another great chapter, Jay. Your story line and characters are developing well and your clear story makes this a joy to read. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 23-May-2014
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Another great chapter, Jay. Your story line and characters are developing well and your clear story makes this a joy to read. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 23-May-2014
reply by the author on 23-May-2014
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Thank you, Debbie, for coming back! Things gonna get more hectic before they settle into a hellish lull. Muahahahaha!