Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 64 "Akicita Moon"Murder Mystery
37 total reviews
Comment from mjac777
This was quite graphic but very well written. Your writing was quite tight (except for the cliches -"shivers down her spine", "red hot iron", "land of the living", crapped my pants" -etc) But well enough written and evenly spaced (cliches) to move the story along without being too distracting.
I know you can go back on the rewrite and find more creative ways to express yourself other than those tired hackneyed phrases because the rest of the story is so creatively written.
Overall - really well done.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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This was quite graphic but very well written. Your writing was quite tight (except for the cliches -"shivers down her spine", "red hot iron", "land of the living", crapped my pants" -etc) But well enough written and evenly spaced (cliches) to move the story along without being too distracting.
I know you can go back on the rewrite and find more creative ways to express yourself other than those tired hackneyed phrases because the rest of the story is so creatively written.
Overall - really well done.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thank you for your insights.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading such an entertaining chapter of your story that is filled with such vivid pictures from your descriptive word choices. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thanks for the pleasure of reading such an entertaining chapter of your story that is filled with such vivid pictures from your descriptive word choices. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 25-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thank you so very much, Rick. I really appreciate your kind review! :) Bev
Comment from RGstar
I was saving my last six stars for reading your work, for in my mind I felt it would be needed. What an opening.
I beg to differ, but the dog is the most formidable entity in this book. It is the only book I have read here on Fanstory where a character, be it man or beast, actually has the ability to reek awe in the reader.
What a brilliant character, despite its evil intent. It's present is an absolute must in the book. The good thing about it is: he isn't overused within scenes.
He is carefully manoeuvred into a scene each time.
Bev, what a scene with Danika???????? Fantastic. Without trying to boost your ego, I was warm with the aura surrounding the read, so good it was.
I absolutely mean that , my friend. I perfect lesson into terror and suspense.
I would buy this book any day, and if this fails to get a seal of approval from FS then it is a waste of time us all being here. Brilliant......and you can quote me on those sentiments and I defy them to win any argument with me.
Fantastic writing. You deserve all the praises you get.
Bravo, Bev. I am proud to give my support and name to this one.
Have a great day, and so glad I saved my last six.
RG
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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I was saving my last six stars for reading your work, for in my mind I felt it would be needed. What an opening.
I beg to differ, but the dog is the most formidable entity in this book. It is the only book I have read here on Fanstory where a character, be it man or beast, actually has the ability to reek awe in the reader.
What a brilliant character, despite its evil intent. It's present is an absolute must in the book. The good thing about it is: he isn't overused within scenes.
He is carefully manoeuvred into a scene each time.
Bev, what a scene with Danika???????? Fantastic. Without trying to boost your ego, I was warm with the aura surrounding the read, so good it was.
I absolutely mean that , my friend. I perfect lesson into terror and suspense.
I would buy this book any day, and if this fails to get a seal of approval from FS then it is a waste of time us all being here. Brilliant......and you can quote me on those sentiments and I defy them to win any argument with me.
Fantastic writing. You deserve all the praises you get.
Bravo, Bev. I am proud to give my support and name to this one.
Have a great day, and so glad I saved my last six.
RG
Comment Written 25-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Wow, where do I begin to thank you for this awesome review, RG. What I always appreciate is that you have a wonderful grasp of the nuances of prose writing. I, especially, appreciate the insights about the dog, as that is exactly what I've tried to do with that character! Your generosity and encouragement totally warm my spirit, my friend. Please know that I am touched by both. :) Bev
Comment from irishauthorme
Excellent composition, very easy to follow and read. The images you brought up really heightened the tension, I could feel Danika's terror, not being able to see her captor.
Smooth transition to Ty, liked the gopher hole, spiced up an interlude and illustrated Jake's character.
Been gone a while, will try to catch up.
irish
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Excellent composition, very easy to follow and read. The images you brought up really heightened the tension, I could feel Danika's terror, not being able to see her captor.
Smooth transition to Ty, liked the gopher hole, spiced up an interlude and illustrated Jake's character.
Been gone a while, will try to catch up.
irish
Comment Written 25-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thank you so very much, Irish. Your reviews always delight me! I appreciate you taking time to read and share your insights. Most helpful.
:) Bev
Comment from Dean Kuch
I'll say this for her. Danika sure knows how to keep her head in an awful, dangerous situation. Most would be panic-stricken, screaming their bloody heads off. But, not Danika. She's even attempting to size up the situation; to gain the upper hand. Balls of steel, that Danika. A little hot under the feet at the moment, perhaps, but relatively cool otherwise.
***
If I were Ty Longacre, I don't know if Jake would be my first choice for a deputy. He acts like a heavier version of Barney Fife, from the old Andy Griffith series. Clumsy and careless, maybe a little dim-witted. Yeah, old Ty's got his work cut out for him with Jake in tow.
As the two near the cabin/shack, Ty instructs Jake to climb up into an old deer stand while he scouts the situation out at the cabin. Of course, Jake wants to wait for backup, wait on the Feds to arrive. Knowing what we do, and they don't, about what's awaiting them inside that cabin? Back probably ain't a bad idea.
Another perfectly written and suspenseful chapter, Bev. Nice work!
~5 out of 5 skulls~
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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I'll say this for her. Danika sure knows how to keep her head in an awful, dangerous situation. Most would be panic-stricken, screaming their bloody heads off. But, not Danika. She's even attempting to size up the situation; to gain the upper hand. Balls of steel, that Danika. A little hot under the feet at the moment, perhaps, but relatively cool otherwise.
If I were Ty Longacre, I don't know if Jake would be my first choice for a deputy. He acts like a heavier version of Barney Fife, from the old Andy Griffith series. Clumsy and careless, maybe a little dim-witted. Yeah, old Ty's got his work cut out for him with Jake in tow.
As the two near the cabin/shack, Ty instructs Jake to climb up into an old deer stand while he scouts the situation out at the cabin. Of course, Jake wants to wait for backup, wait on the Feds to arrive. Knowing what we do, and they don't, about what's awaiting them inside that cabin? Back probably ain't a bad idea.
Another perfectly written and suspenseful chapter, Bev. Nice work!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thanks for the grand review, Dean. You know, I personally think that Barney Fife's character, both as it is written and through the brilliant physical comedy of Don Knott's is one of the truly sublime ongoing performances in television history. I don't know that anyone today could match the perfect fit of those two. I know that I certainly wouldn't dream of trying. And another interesting thing I learned lately is that on Native American lands, you do not have to be a trained in law enforcement to get the position. I think that probably Jake would be of that latter category LoL.
As always, thanks for reading and for your generosity, my friend.
Warm regards, Bev
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Sure, Bev. Anytime.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Ah, Bev. You knocked this one out of the park. Right off the bat!
Her tongue felt like a brick lying between her gums, and her throat ached with each indrawn breath. Discharged fluid crusted the corners of her eyelids, preventing full movement of the tender flesh. Through slitted lids, she could see nothing past the end of her bare feet.
Wham. Straight for the throat. Brilliant description - terrifying. Why am I reading this now? I've yet to take the dogs out, and it's DARK out there!
Crap. This demon makes Argante look like a puppy dog. Amazing stuff. The dialogue is intelligent, which makes it all the more scary, I think. And the voices switching? the dogs might have to be cross legged tonight! LOL!
And, of course, you leave us with a heck of a hook!
Another amazing write, my friend. What a story this is.
Love and hugs
Av
xx
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Ah, Bev. You knocked this one out of the park. Right off the bat!
Her tongue felt like a brick lying between her gums, and her throat ached with each indrawn breath. Discharged fluid crusted the corners of her eyelids, preventing full movement of the tender flesh. Through slitted lids, she could see nothing past the end of her bare feet.
Wham. Straight for the throat. Brilliant description - terrifying. Why am I reading this now? I've yet to take the dogs out, and it's DARK out there!
Crap. This demon makes Argante look like a puppy dog. Amazing stuff. The dialogue is intelligent, which makes it all the more scary, I think. And the voices switching? the dogs might have to be cross legged tonight! LOL!
And, of course, you leave us with a heck of a hook!
Another amazing write, my friend. What a story this is.
Love and hugs
Av
xx
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Av, thank you so much for this grand review. I'm thrilled you enjoyed the chapter even if your dogs may not have LoL. It means a lot to me to get such words of praise and encouragement from such a superb writer as yourself. Love and Hugs, Bev
Comment from James Dooney
And thankyou for giving this cool read ! I liked what you did here with this and I hope to read much more of it. Well done and keep it up !
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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And thankyou for giving this cool read ! I liked what you did here with this and I hope to read much more of it. Well done and keep it up !
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thank you, James! I much appreciate this great review. :) Bev
Comment from innerworlds
I'm a bit at a disadvantage as a reviewer for this very powerful piece because I haven't read any of the other chapters. But perhaps I can speak instead to the excellence of your writing simply because this one chapter is all I get to use for my impressions. So, here goes:
There is such an excellent use of imagery here that pulls me into the story, causing me to feel the fear, confusion, and pain that Danika is experiencing. The introduction and opening paragraphs set the stage for immediate vascilation between disbelief and painful reality with Danika's efforts to make sense of what is happening. I don't know anything about her yet, but I recognize the inner strength and presence of mind she commands. Phrases such as "Her bladder let loose, and Danika felt a hot stream of urine running down her leg." and "Images like water bubbles struggled to the surface and popped just as she grasped them." are masterful! As the horror increases and Danika's mind (and mine!)is using past experience to interpret the meaning of what she is experiencing, we are given an alternate explanation that this is, perhaps, not a supernatural visitation after all, but some demented scheme of human origin. A sick and twisted serial killer... yes, that must be it! Then comes the smell of freshly dug earth and the odor of sulfur,and the doubt returns again. Is she dead and buried in a grave or, wait... maybe the serial killer has placed her in an open grave? But no, the voice tells her she is in a room, still in the land of the living which, at the moment, feels worse that the thought of death. Now the vision of Carissa appears. Is she dreaming, hallucinating, being visited by a demon sounding like Carissa?
At this point, the back and forth pull of reality and non-reality flies at a relentless pace that is scaring the bejeebers out of me! And we're just getting started! The insertion of Ty and Jake into the story brings a wave of relief, although they are looking for a man, not a woman. The somewhat inexperienced deputy is left to wait in a tree, which leaves his fate open to further complications in the plot. And the level-headed Ty is now headed into danger, but with a manner of experience and awareness that assures us that all will eventually be well, but perhaps not in the way we are hoping. And as the chapter ends, I can finally breathe again.
Sorry for this lengthy diatribe, but I wanted you to see my thoughts while reading this amazing chapter. I only have five starts to give right now, but if seven were available, they'd be yours. Whew! What a ride!!!! P.S. I have no idea how to spell "bejeebers! Thank you for your excellent work!
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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I'm a bit at a disadvantage as a reviewer for this very powerful piece because I haven't read any of the other chapters. But perhaps I can speak instead to the excellence of your writing simply because this one chapter is all I get to use for my impressions. So, here goes:
There is such an excellent use of imagery here that pulls me into the story, causing me to feel the fear, confusion, and pain that Danika is experiencing. The introduction and opening paragraphs set the stage for immediate vascilation between disbelief and painful reality with Danika's efforts to make sense of what is happening. I don't know anything about her yet, but I recognize the inner strength and presence of mind she commands. Phrases such as "Her bladder let loose, and Danika felt a hot stream of urine running down her leg." and "Images like water bubbles struggled to the surface and popped just as she grasped them." are masterful! As the horror increases and Danika's mind (and mine!)is using past experience to interpret the meaning of what she is experiencing, we are given an alternate explanation that this is, perhaps, not a supernatural visitation after all, but some demented scheme of human origin. A sick and twisted serial killer... yes, that must be it! Then comes the smell of freshly dug earth and the odor of sulfur,and the doubt returns again. Is she dead and buried in a grave or, wait... maybe the serial killer has placed her in an open grave? But no, the voice tells her she is in a room, still in the land of the living which, at the moment, feels worse that the thought of death. Now the vision of Carissa appears. Is she dreaming, hallucinating, being visited by a demon sounding like Carissa?
At this point, the back and forth pull of reality and non-reality flies at a relentless pace that is scaring the bejeebers out of me! And we're just getting started! The insertion of Ty and Jake into the story brings a wave of relief, although they are looking for a man, not a woman. The somewhat inexperienced deputy is left to wait in a tree, which leaves his fate open to further complications in the plot. And the level-headed Ty is now headed into danger, but with a manner of experience and awareness that assures us that all will eventually be well, but perhaps not in the way we are hoping. And as the chapter ends, I can finally breathe again.
Sorry for this lengthy diatribe, but I wanted you to see my thoughts while reading this amazing chapter. I only have five starts to give right now, but if seven were available, they'd be yours. Whew! What a ride!!!! P.S. I have no idea how to spell "bejeebers! Thank you for your excellent work!
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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I am really honored by this extensive and very encouraging review, innerworlds. Thank you so much for sharing with such generosity your insights and perceptions. That is so helpful to me! I cannot begin to thank you enough for your efforts here. I'm going to put this on my 'vision' board to help me to keep going forward. The wish for the extra stars is truly icing on the cake of your superb review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension,
You are certainly building up the suspense for the grand finale on this one. So the dear TV anchor Danika has a very nasty past as well. As they say, the sins of the fathers ... hers are about to catch up with her by the sound of it.
Great read, it deserves the six.
Patrick
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Hi Writingfundimension,
You are certainly building up the suspense for the grand finale on this one. So the dear TV anchor Danika has a very nasty past as well. As they say, the sins of the fathers ... hers are about to catch up with her by the sound of it.
Great read, it deserves the six.
Patrick
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much, Patrick. I really appreciate the very generous and encouraging review. You've been a great support through this project, and that means a lot to me. :) Bev
Comment from Petriesan
Danika Marten's brain struggled to comprehend her situation. . .don't think "brain" need to be in there. It really doesn't add anything
I like this immensely: Negotiate. Convince the man he needs you - needs your money. Screw the apartment in Paris.
All in all , a solid piece
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Danika Marten's brain struggled to comprehend her situation. . .don't think "brain" need to be in there. It really doesn't add anything
I like this immensely: Negotiate. Convince the man he needs you - needs your money. Screw the apartment in Paris.
All in all , a solid piece
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thank you.