The Sergeant and I
After learning of another brain surgery21 total reviews
Comment from seaglass
This is a beautiful, bitter-sweet poem. War has damaged so many men and families. There must have been so much pain in your break-up. The rhyming pattern in this intrigues me. My prayers are being prayed for your granddaughter.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014
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This is a beautiful, bitter-sweet poem. War has damaged so many men and families. There must have been so much pain in your break-up. The rhyming pattern in this intrigues me. My prayers are being prayed for your granddaughter.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014
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Seaglass, first all I apologize for just replying. I visit this site sporadically. My granddaughter's surgery went beautifully. Again thank you ever so much. Jls
Comment from Aussie
In my way I could relate to your poem - ex and I still communicate after 40yrs - he loved and lost, I moved on to a career in nursing. Your poem is full of painted scenes for the reader to take on board. Obviously, he isn't Sarah's father. Special people cross our paths, no matter how bad it gets, we can't forget them. Well done Mommy Dearest!
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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In my way I could relate to your poem - ex and I still communicate after 40yrs - he loved and lost, I moved on to a career in nursing. Your poem is full of painted scenes for the reader to take on board. Obviously, he isn't Sarah's father. Special people cross our paths, no matter how bad it gets, we can't forget them. Well done Mommy Dearest!
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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I know you can, sweet Kace. The man portrayed is Sarah's Grandfather. He is an alcoholic to the ump degree but he loves his children and his grandchildren. The picture I presented to you in this work is Johnny thru and thru. Much more to be said. Thank you sweet sweet dear friend. Jimi
Comment from Winslow
Dear Jlsavell,
I wish I had another six but here is a virtual one. This is very sad filled with what-ifs and despair. The war had a lingering effect upon this poor man's soul.
I read your notes at the end. I pray that your
Granddaughter will come through okay. It sounds like she has mettle and will do her best to win.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Dear Jlsavell,
I wish I had another six but here is a virtual one. This is very sad filled with what-ifs and despair. The war had a lingering effect upon this poor man's soul.
I read your notes at the end. I pray that your
Granddaughter will come through okay. It sounds like she has mettle and will do her best to win.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Winslow, how are you? Thank you ever so much for stopping by to read and review my work. I am truly humbled. She has been through it before and yes she will do fine, she is a brave little trooper. again thank you. warmest regards friend,, Jimi
Comment from adewpearl
good use of enjambment to keep the thoughts flowing
effective use of internal rhyme that creates a strong cadence when read aloud
nice touches of alliteration
excellent use of dialogue and of non-verbal communication
I am so sorry to hear your grand daughter faces yet another surgery. She has been through more than any person should face in an entire lifetime. I will be keeping her in my thoughts and prayers. Brooke
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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good use of enjambment to keep the thoughts flowing
effective use of internal rhyme that creates a strong cadence when read aloud
nice touches of alliteration
excellent use of dialogue and of non-verbal communication
I am so sorry to hear your grand daughter faces yet another surgery. She has been through more than any person should face in an entire lifetime. I will be keeping her in my thoughts and prayers. Brooke
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Brooke, thank you my friend. How am I to keep up with you? I am trying to keep up with reciprocal reviews and there you go again! Nonetheless, thank you dear friend, Yes, Sarah has been through a lot. This time the AVM is deeper in her brain which is causing great concern, but we are so grateful that it has been found before it blows like last time. Again thank you.. Jimi
Comment from Domino 2
You do like long writes, don't you, Jimi? LOL
You mix tenses up a couple of times, and with respect, maybe use present tense all the way through, as IMO it's more 'real' and obviously 'now'.
The sergeant seems an untidy and cantankerous, yet interesting individual who obviously looks forward to your visits greatly.
Mysterious ending for the reader to guess what exactly 'family' means, and whether you two were once more than just friends.
Excellent scattering of very effective rhymes, and absolutely marvellous feeling and imagery.
Well worth my sixer, my friend.
Cheers, Ray xx
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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You do like long writes, don't you, Jimi? LOL
You mix tenses up a couple of times, and with respect, maybe use present tense all the way through, as IMO it's more 'real' and obviously 'now'.
The sergeant seems an untidy and cantankerous, yet interesting individual who obviously looks forward to your visits greatly.
Mysterious ending for the reader to guess what exactly 'family' means, and whether you two were once more than just friends.
Excellent scattering of very effective rhymes, and absolutely marvellous feeling and imagery.
Well worth my sixer, my friend.
Cheers, Ray xx
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Ray what can I say? Didn't you once say i could natter? Yes, that was your term. Is that a British word? For it sure as hell ain't Texan! You know Texas is its own country in and of itself.. right.. lol..
Thank you ever so much my wonderful sweet friend.. I would go on and on, but then you would tell me to s--t the f--k up!! lol
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxJimi
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You're right about, 'natter', Jimi. :-0
Sorry I didn't read your notes first time round - I was worn out after reading the wonderful poem, LOL.
My fingers are tightly crossed for your beloved Sarah.
Ray xx
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thank you my sweet friend.. all will be well. She is a brave little girl. We just told her. She looked at her Daddy and said.." Well maybe you should call my Doctor right now and tell him to reschedule for now. I want this thing out of my head!"
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What a brave little sweetheart she is. xx
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She is Ray, she is. You know this will be her third brain surgery. We almost lost her last year to the first AVM that exploded in her brain. She laid in a medically induced comma for 11 weeks. It was a horrific experience.
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The only plus is she's too young to know the details and seriousness of the situation.
It would honestly scare the sh*t out of me, and I'd probably jump under a passing truck if it was me. Mind you, knowing my luck, the driver would swerve and miss me. ;-)
Seriously, once again - good luck, Sarah! xx
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is a beautiful write, jlsavell, you did an excellent job portraying the emotions felt that day by both you and your ex-husband and the memories of the times that were good. I pray the surgery is successful.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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this is a beautiful write, jlsavell, you did an excellent job portraying the emotions felt that day by both you and your ex-husband and the memories of the times that were good. I pray the surgery is successful.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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sweetwoodjax, thank you ever so much. It will be successful. Her neurosurgeon is one of the best as was the one she had last year. Again thank you..jlsavell
Comment from Wendyanne
Wow your wonderful poem (and author's notes) moved me to tears.
"Oh, yes, I loved you then, but I didn't know,
know how to be your friend or help a broken soul mend.
And I love you now, after all,
we're family till the end."
Beautiful!
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Wow your wonderful poem (and author's notes) moved me to tears.
"Oh, yes, I loved you then, but I didn't know,
know how to be your friend or help a broken soul mend.
And I love you now, after all,
we're family till the end."
Beautiful!
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Wendyanne, thank you ever so much. I am ever so humbled by yuor exceptional.. Jimi
Comment from Neonewman
Thank you for sharing this life inspiring piece you have so well-crafted. I will gladly send as many prayers as necessary for this wonderful granddaughter of yours Sarah.
Lord! I come to you in the name of Jesus Christ and pray.
Lord please wrap your loving, healing arms tightly around this beautiful child Sarah and take away her fears and allow the safe removal of this dreaded AVM. Lord watch over her family and give them strength to fight their way through this pain of a loved one's surgery and if this is in your will, may this be the last formation. Amen!
God Bless!
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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Thank you for sharing this life inspiring piece you have so well-crafted. I will gladly send as many prayers as necessary for this wonderful granddaughter of yours Sarah.
Lord! I come to you in the name of Jesus Christ and pray.
Lord please wrap your loving, healing arms tightly around this beautiful child Sarah and take away her fears and allow the safe removal of this dreaded AVM. Lord watch over her family and give them strength to fight their way through this pain of a loved one's surgery and if this is in your will, may this be the last formation. Amen!
God Bless!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Neonewman, thank you ever so much for your review and your sentiments. I am truly humbled. Your prayer is beautiful. Sarah is in good hands. Thank you ever so much.. jlsavell
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jimi,
I'm so sorry to learn that Sarah needs another operation. It must be such a worry for you and her parents. I will be sure to pray for her over these next few weeks.
You tell quite a story here. So much healing is needed. Of course, Sarah's problem was spotted with the angiogram a week ago. And it can be repaired. But what about your ex? He is also suffering silently from a war the states lost long ago... Viet Nam. He seems to have given up on life. You describe him by describing his surroundings,
"sitting alone
in his old tattered chair, right there
as he always does, on his unkempt lawn
where the only sprigs of green are seen
grasping for life between the hotspots"
"Cigarette butts piled high
beside a dying rosebush"
"The likes of 'Old Yeller' reclining lazily at his feet
loyal, arthritic, and soft... mimics his master
tongue dangling from the heat"
"the old house
still there in disrepair, moans (dispair) ...(despair)
crumbling inside like its owner"
"faded red Ford truck, still there
leaking and squeaking for rebirth
much as the Sergeant sitting in his chair"
How can he be fixed? What type of an operation would do it?How do you fix a soul? Is he the trooper that your granddaughter is? He's patriotic, that's certain. But what about his family?
" "Long as they don't mess with my flag.", He said while taking a drag
Yes, Old Glory, the one he held dear, memories of yesteryear
which he held on to like his beer, his cigs, and this house
Oh, yes,
but not his wife and not his kids,
for they demanded more than the war he never outwore"
Loads of inner rhyme in this piece, which helps to make it a smooth read.
I especially like these lines,
"The likes of 'Old Yeller' reclining lazily at his feet
loyal, arthritic, and soft... mimics his master
tongue dangling from the heat"... nice metaphor comparing your ex to Old Yeller. I remember that movie.
and this one,
"Retrieves two cold Buds from the well-used Igloo" ...that's a different way to describe a mini-fridge! Terrific!
and this one,
"Up against a tarred ragged wall in the garage
where all could see his savored keepsakes
stored in mildewed, rat infested boxes piled high" ...good imagery! (rat-infested)
and the imagery here,
"then tilts his head for the beer's last drop"
and here,
"Before the war, where no corpse lies" ... we have no idea what these vets went through. No wonder they have mental issues. I remember an episode of "WKRP in Cincinnati" when Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson, who was taken aback (initially) upon learning of Venus Flytrap's desertion from the United States Army, accompanied his "son" to the investigation.
Venus' tour of duty was just three weeks from ending. He was going home after countless missions. In the helicopter, he meets up with this guy called Crazy Larry. (Venus Flytrap's real name (in the show) was Gordon Sims.) Well, Crazy Larry jumped right out of the helicopter...without a parachute! That was all Gordon Sims could take. When he landed back home, he turned left instead of right, and that was the end of his service in the marine corps. He spent years hiding under assumed names before he landed a job at WKRP. He explained to the investigator and his "father", Mr Carlson, how one day he was fighting bloody battles in the jungles of Viet Nam, and the next day he was driving down an LA freeway listening to rock 'n roll on the car radio. And he was only 22 years old!
I wonder if your lines should read,
(Before the war, where no corpses lie)???...just to show the numbers of dead in the jungles of Viet Nam.
You can see his regret shining through, brave enough to ask the question,"One more thing...Did you love me? I mean really love me once upon a time?"
I think he has more regrets than you, Jimi. But the Viet Nam war is just too heavy for him. He can't unburden himself. He's like an ox at the grinding wheel.
This is a sad tale, Jimi. Broken lives.
I'll be sure to pray for Sarah, and (after reviewing your poem) also for your ex-husband. How many more are like him, and can't get on with their lives? They're like an old record...where the needle is stuck. Healing and freedom, that's what's needed here.
blessings,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Hi Jimi,
I'm so sorry to learn that Sarah needs another operation. It must be such a worry for you and her parents. I will be sure to pray for her over these next few weeks.
You tell quite a story here. So much healing is needed. Of course, Sarah's problem was spotted with the angiogram a week ago. And it can be repaired. But what about your ex? He is also suffering silently from a war the states lost long ago... Viet Nam. He seems to have given up on life. You describe him by describing his surroundings,
"sitting alone
in his old tattered chair, right there
as he always does, on his unkempt lawn
where the only sprigs of green are seen
grasping for life between the hotspots"
"Cigarette butts piled high
beside a dying rosebush"
"The likes of 'Old Yeller' reclining lazily at his feet
loyal, arthritic, and soft... mimics his master
tongue dangling from the heat"
"the old house
still there in disrepair, moans (dispair) ...(despair)
crumbling inside like its owner"
"faded red Ford truck, still there
leaking and squeaking for rebirth
much as the Sergeant sitting in his chair"
How can he be fixed? What type of an operation would do it?How do you fix a soul? Is he the trooper that your granddaughter is? He's patriotic, that's certain. But what about his family?
" "Long as they don't mess with my flag.", He said while taking a drag
Yes, Old Glory, the one he held dear, memories of yesteryear
which he held on to like his beer, his cigs, and this house
Oh, yes,
but not his wife and not his kids,
for they demanded more than the war he never outwore"
Loads of inner rhyme in this piece, which helps to make it a smooth read.
I especially like these lines,
"The likes of 'Old Yeller' reclining lazily at his feet
loyal, arthritic, and soft... mimics his master
tongue dangling from the heat"... nice metaphor comparing your ex to Old Yeller. I remember that movie.
and this one,
"Retrieves two cold Buds from the well-used Igloo" ...that's a different way to describe a mini-fridge! Terrific!
and this one,
"Up against a tarred ragged wall in the garage
where all could see his savored keepsakes
stored in mildewed, rat infested boxes piled high" ...good imagery! (rat-infested)
and the imagery here,
"then tilts his head for the beer's last drop"
and here,
"Before the war, where no corpse lies" ... we have no idea what these vets went through. No wonder they have mental issues. I remember an episode of "WKRP in Cincinnati" when Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson, who was taken aback (initially) upon learning of Venus Flytrap's desertion from the United States Army, accompanied his "son" to the investigation.
Venus' tour of duty was just three weeks from ending. He was going home after countless missions. In the helicopter, he meets up with this guy called Crazy Larry. (Venus Flytrap's real name (in the show) was Gordon Sims.) Well, Crazy Larry jumped right out of the helicopter...without a parachute! That was all Gordon Sims could take. When he landed back home, he turned left instead of right, and that was the end of his service in the marine corps. He spent years hiding under assumed names before he landed a job at WKRP. He explained to the investigator and his "father", Mr Carlson, how one day he was fighting bloody battles in the jungles of Viet Nam, and the next day he was driving down an LA freeway listening to rock 'n roll on the car radio. And he was only 22 years old!
I wonder if your lines should read,
(Before the war, where no corpses lie)???...just to show the numbers of dead in the jungles of Viet Nam.
You can see his regret shining through, brave enough to ask the question,"One more thing...Did you love me? I mean really love me once upon a time?"
I think he has more regrets than you, Jimi. But the Viet Nam war is just too heavy for him. He can't unburden himself. He's like an ox at the grinding wheel.
This is a sad tale, Jimi. Broken lives.
I'll be sure to pray for Sarah, and (after reviewing your poem) also for your ex-husband. How many more are like him, and can't get on with their lives? They're like an old record...where the needle is stuck. Healing and freedom, that's what's needed here.
blessings,
Kimbob
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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To you my sweet sweet friend, a huge thank you. I am humbled once again and as I read I am just crying from the weight of it all. Again thank you... Jimi
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(Before the war, where no corpses lie)???
oops... I'm thinking again here, Jimi. Is it "lie" or "lay"? I think it's "lay"
(Before the war, where no corpses lay)
big hugs,
Kimbob
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you are right.. I will change.. thank you sweet friend.. lie lay, so confusing sometimes!!!!
Comment from scraps30
Wow, this is really powerful stuff. I was riveted, with your description of the old sergeant, and then the slow revelation of your relationship to him, what you had shared, and what couldn't be mended. Sad, and haunting. The only typo I found was "dispair" which should be "despair". Good luck to your granddaughter, she sounds like a strong little girl.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Wow, this is really powerful stuff. I was riveted, with your description of the old sergeant, and then the slow revelation of your relationship to him, what you had shared, and what couldn't be mended. Sad, and haunting. The only typo I found was "dispair" which should be "despair". Good luck to your granddaughter, she sounds like a strong little girl.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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scraps30, thank you ever so much for stopping by to read and review my work. I am truly humbled... jlsavell