Dr. Howler's Nightmares
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Devil Spawn"A collection of most unusual bedtime stories
26 total reviews
Comment from CelticSkye
Brett,
I really like this story. It's unique to me which I love. I always get excited when I read something that I haven't seen in anything else before. To be honest, I think that you have the beginnings of a story that could easily go from short story to novel. I can't help but wonder what happens next to your main character...by the way, what is his name? Really, I can see this story growing. The reporter is forced by Satan to shadow this demon (name?)...and the main plot of the story being how this reporter does everything he can to free himself. Maybe he gets spotted by a psychic of some sort that can see him and wants to help free him? Like I said, I get excited when I see a story that I've never seen before. I read so fast that it can get very expensive to keep me in books I've never read before!
Other than that, all I see are small things like a comma here, a different word there, things that I would edit just to make the story flow better.
Happy Writing! ~ CelticSkye
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Brett,
I really like this story. It's unique to me which I love. I always get excited when I read something that I haven't seen in anything else before. To be honest, I think that you have the beginnings of a story that could easily go from short story to novel. I can't help but wonder what happens next to your main character...by the way, what is his name? Really, I can see this story growing. The reporter is forced by Satan to shadow this demon (name?)...and the main plot of the story being how this reporter does everything he can to free himself. Maybe he gets spotted by a psychic of some sort that can see him and wants to help free him? Like I said, I get excited when I see a story that I've never seen before. I read so fast that it can get very expensive to keep me in books I've never read before!
Other than that, all I see are small things like a comma here, a different word there, things that I would edit just to make the story flow better.
Happy Writing! ~ CelticSkye
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much indeed.
Comment from Ben Zedrine
I very much like the imagery in this story, especially in the morgue. I do feel that the goings on in the hell scene are a little cliched. Having said that, it is a true representaion of my own image of hell; I always find it much more riveting when my image of something is challenged. Also, perhaps the final statement could be a bit more dramatic. Just to really drive it home.
I love the punishment he received... I can't think of what a worse punishment could be. Made me feel seriously sorry for the main character.
Great story, good luck.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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I very much like the imagery in this story, especially in the morgue. I do feel that the goings on in the hell scene are a little cliched. Having said that, it is a true representaion of my own image of hell; I always find it much more riveting when my image of something is challenged. Also, perhaps the final statement could be a bit more dramatic. Just to really drive it home.
I love the punishment he received... I can't think of what a worse punishment could be. Made me feel seriously sorry for the main character.
Great story, good luck.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much indeed.
Comment from isolddde
I really enjoyed reading this. I am a big fan of horror, so when I saw this appear, I immediately got excited. What I liked about this short story is the imagery and the suspense you were able to create in only a couple of paragraphs. I also liked the fact that you made the mass murderer a baby--not only is that not normal, but it is incredibly creepy as well. However, I wished you had described some more about how this character felt getting killed by a demonic baby (physically), how he felt being in Hell, and how he now feels about protecting his killer. I don't know if you have a word count that you would like to stay around, but I think that adding some more of those details would help make the story a bit smoother. Altogether, good job and I'll be looking forward to some more pieces like this.
Isolde
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
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I really enjoyed reading this. I am a big fan of horror, so when I saw this appear, I immediately got excited. What I liked about this short story is the imagery and the suspense you were able to create in only a couple of paragraphs. I also liked the fact that you made the mass murderer a baby--not only is that not normal, but it is incredibly creepy as well. However, I wished you had described some more about how this character felt getting killed by a demonic baby (physically), how he felt being in Hell, and how he now feels about protecting his killer. I don't know if you have a word count that you would like to stay around, but I think that adding some more of those details would help make the story a bit smoother. Altogether, good job and I'll be looking forward to some more pieces like this.
Isolde
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
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Glad you enjoyed it. Always appreciate your comments and support very much indeed. Check my portfolio. I have others written as well.
Comment from MsPetra
I really liked your story line. You did a lot with it.
I think it would have been a whole lot scarier if you had dramatized it with more dialog and interaction. It seemed as if you told the story in narration. On that regard it didn't grab me and pull me in. I felt a distance between myself and the story.
Also when you killed off the main character I thought that was the end. Not of the chapter but of the whole book! You could have handled the transition from living to undead a little bit better. It would be interesting to see you try. I would read it again. I promise you that.
Overall I liked this offering. I commend you for attempting it. Good luck.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2015
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I really liked your story line. You did a lot with it.
I think it would have been a whole lot scarier if you had dramatized it with more dialog and interaction. It seemed as if you told the story in narration. On that regard it didn't grab me and pull me in. I felt a distance between myself and the story.
Also when you killed off the main character I thought that was the end. Not of the chapter but of the whole book! You could have handled the transition from living to undead a little bit better. It would be interesting to see you try. I would read it again. I promise you that.
Overall I liked this offering. I commend you for attempting it. Good luck.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support.
Comment from chasennov
Tale about sticking your nose in where it does not belong. A chapter in the book Dr. Howler's Bedtime Stories. Devil Spawn.' This chapter you have created here is quite good and I enjoyed reading this. I specially enjoyed; 'What demon spawn had I released upon the face of the Earth?' Sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong certainly does have consequences. Well done.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2015
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Tale about sticking your nose in where it does not belong. A chapter in the book Dr. Howler's Bedtime Stories. Devil Spawn.' This chapter you have created here is quite good and I enjoyed reading this. I specially enjoyed; 'What demon spawn had I released upon the face of the Earth?' Sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong certainly does have consequences. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2015
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There is an old saying "Stick your nose in where it does not belong and you may get it chopped off". Suppose that was my inspiration for this little tale. Appreciate your comments and support. Glad you enjoyed reading it.
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You are most welcome, Brett.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Brett, as you know mate, I'm a poet who tries to tell stories in poems, so sadly I am of no value in the help department as per your notes because I can't write prose. However, I really enjoyed this, the images you paint are as scary as any I have read and the yarn itself follows a tidy progression in my opinion. I'll certainly read the chapters as you post and if I have any suggestions I will let you know. But please bear in mind that I am days behind. Very well done in my opinion Sir. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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G'day Brett, as you know mate, I'm a poet who tries to tell stories in poems, so sadly I am of no value in the help department as per your notes because I can't write prose. However, I really enjoyed this, the images you paint are as scary as any I have read and the yarn itself follows a tidy progression in my opinion. I'll certainly read the chapters as you post and if I have any suggestions I will let you know. But please bear in mind that I am days behind. Very well done in my opinion Sir. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 13-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you as always for your comments and support. I have no doubt you will tell me like you see it and that is what I am looking for. Appreciate it very much.
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Good onya Brett, your work is always good stuff mate.
Comment from Dean Kuch
"Their reaction was a dumbfounded look of terror[.] written across their faces." -------------->Brett, I would strike the highlighted portion of this sentence. I feel "a look of terror" pretty much says where their look was written...
I could smell the permeating aroma of death the moment I approached the solitary casketthat casket sitting there alone. ------------> You used the highlighted phrase earlier in the story, Brett. Change the wording around a bit so that it sounds less repetitious...
"What demon spawn had I released upon the face of the Earth?"----------->Earlier in your tale you say that several murders and mutilations of multiple teens had taken place in town, all centered around the contents of the casket. So, that being said, how could the detective feel he should be held responsible for releasing anything -- Hell-spawn or otherwise -- on the face of the earth? After all, the atrocities this evil...thing...had already committed was the whole reason for him being there in the first place.
All in all, this was an engaging enough tale, Brett. A bit reminiscent of Todd McFarlane's horror series, SPAWN, at least near the end, but still very entertaining nonetheless...
~Dean
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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"Their reaction was a dumbfounded look of terror[.] written across their faces." -------------->Brett, I would strike the highlighted portion of this sentence. I feel "a look of terror" pretty much says where their look was written...
I could smell the permeating aroma of death the moment I approached the solitary casket
"What demon spawn had I released upon the face of the Earth?"----------->Earlier in your tale you say that several murders and mutilations of multiple teens had taken place in town, all centered around the contents of the casket. So, that being said, how could the detective feel he should be held responsible for releasing anything -- Hell-spawn or otherwise -- on the face of the earth? After all, the atrocities this evil...thing...had already committed was the whole reason for him being there in the first place.
All in all, this was an engaging enough tale, Brett. A bit reminiscent of Todd McFarlane's horror series, SPAWN, at least near the end, but still very entertaining nonetheless...
~Dean
Comment Written 13-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your comments Dean. You know I put more stock in what you have to tell me about writing horror stories than in what everyone else has to say about it combined. I always appreciate your reviews because I learn more and more from you every time you send me one of them. Two changes made. Trying to figure out how to rework the section about "What demon spawn had I released...". When I do I will definitely ask you for your advice there as well.
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What I am trying to say in that section is that the intruder feels remorse(?) for sticking his nose into the situation and by doing so feels he is the reason the spawn was freed. Not sure how to convey that message though. Will consider that one for a while and try a rewrite. Once I do I will be asking for your review of that new section too.
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"What demon spawn had I released upon the face of the Earth? The nightmare would soon commence with no way to stop it and my last worldly thought was when would the body count stop?"
............Simply say something along the lines of:
'What had I done? Why provoke such a foul thing into more furious action? Soon, the nightmarish maulings would increase in frequency and intensity. Was there no way to stop the body count from quickly rising?
My last worldly thoughts were when -- and how -- would it all end...'
~Dean
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That says exactly what I am trying to convey. Thanks my friend. Definitely clears my muddled mind about that and gives me something to work with as well. When I get it written I will definitely be asking for your advice.
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It'll be my pleasure to assist you in any way possible, my friend. You're more than welcome.
~Dean
Comment from Sis Cat
This works better as a modern folktale than as a scary story. For one, I could not believe that anyone had the gumption to open that casket, but someone has to or there would be no story. This is a modern take on Pandora's Box. Given that the narrator counts werewolves and vampires as very good friends and he has been known to howl, too, I assumed that he was a vampire or werewolf. I was disappointed when the Devil Spawn killed him and proved him to be a mere mortal, although not a bright one. I was hoping for a battle between Devil Spawn and Monster X. I found a bit of a let down and unbelievable that the man became a Spawn-protecting pawn of the Devil. I suggest studying Deal with the Devil stories or Devil at the Crossroads stories, and then craft a fresh take on an old genre.
This is a daring piece of writing. Thank you for sharing. I only hope the Devil Spawn is not still out there.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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This works better as a modern folktale than as a scary story. For one, I could not believe that anyone had the gumption to open that casket, but someone has to or there would be no story. This is a modern take on Pandora's Box. Given that the narrator counts werewolves and vampires as very good friends and he has been known to howl, too, I assumed that he was a vampire or werewolf. I was disappointed when the Devil Spawn killed him and proved him to be a mere mortal, although not a bright one. I was hoping for a battle between Devil Spawn and Monster X. I found a bit of a let down and unbelievable that the man became a Spawn-protecting pawn of the Devil. I suggest studying Deal with the Devil stories or Devil at the Crossroads stories, and then craft a fresh take on an old genre.
This is a daring piece of writing. Thank you for sharing. I only hope the Devil Spawn is not still out there.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your review. Very helpful indeed.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I hope the six tells you what feed back I can give.
Evcellently written and thought up.
Nice tale of terror and absolutely wonderful imagination.
No problems noted and yes I want more
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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I hope the six tells you what feed back I can give.
Evcellently written and thought up.
Nice tale of terror and absolutely wonderful imagination.
No problems noted and yes I want more
Comment Written 12-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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Thank you very much for the excellent review.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
This was another great chapter of the of your book that will have a collection of short horror stories. The paragraph above the line - ***THE REST OF THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL:*** has one tiny mistake. It's the 5th line that says: NO! Don't put that marble tablet on the ground next to this hole, the one that reds (reads) "RIP". Other wise it is perfect like all of your work has been. I look forward to reading another collection of this book.
Kat
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
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Hi Brett,
This was another great chapter of the of your book that will have a collection of short horror stories. The paragraph above the line - ***THE REST OF THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL:*** has one tiny mistake. It's the 5th line that says: NO! Don't put that marble tablet on the ground next to this hole, the one that reds (reads) "RIP". Other wise it is perfect like all of your work has been. I look forward to reading another collection of this book.
Kat
Comment Written 12-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your comments and for pointing that typo out. It has been corrected.
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I'm glad it doesn't bother you if I notice something and tell you about it.
