2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 65 "Ants Crawling On Grass"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
20 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Okay, Gypsy, you caught me, you caught the tater. I don't understand this at all. But have no fear that could easily be me. What I was looking for the two grammatically connected lines. It reads to me like three separate lines, and I remain completely baffled how the immense green forest comes in. Is it because there's lots of ants to eat? I think you're on to a really good idea, but you might want to consider revisiting.
Black ant leaves
a bitter taste in my mouth
Bitter Smorgasbord
or something like that. I'm not really sure if that's even where you were headed, but it's very cool to see other novitiates working with ants. When I was starting out, I got more than a couple ant haikus too! *Smile*
Gloria
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Okay, Gypsy, you caught me, you caught the tater. I don't understand this at all. But have no fear that could easily be me. What I was looking for the two grammatically connected lines. It reads to me like three separate lines, and I remain completely baffled how the immense green forest comes in. Is it because there's lots of ants to eat? I think you're on to a really good idea, but you might want to consider revisiting.
Black ant leaves
a bitter taste in my mouth
Bitter Smorgasbord
or something like that. I'm not really sure if that's even where you were headed, but it's very cool to see other novitiates working with ants. When I was starting out, I got more than a couple ant haikus too! *Smile*
Gloria
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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haikus are not grammatically connected lines, but thank you for the review
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Well I guess it all depends on where you're getting your information from, but on FanStory they most absolutely are. There are two lines grammatically connected with a third line, which is an aha or satori, syntactical break that can be the first line or the last line. :-) Keep going because it's good to learn new forms.
Comment from TAB_that's me
Beautiful haiku with great imagery. Since it is not for a contest, syllable count doesn't matter so much but your 1st line has 6 syllables for a total count of 18.
teresa
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Beautiful haiku with great imagery. Since it is not for a contest, syllable count doesn't matter so much but your 1st line has 6 syllables for a total count of 18.
teresa
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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thank you teresa, i am playing around with haikus
thank you for the review, i really appreciate it
Comment from petalangela
The green forests will soon be gone and black ants will have to move on
Quo Vardis
Is what I ask humanity
Where now
The ants will survive but we certainly will not survive the bitter harvest
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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The green forests will soon be gone and black ants will have to move on
Quo Vardis
Is what I ask humanity
Where now
The ants will survive but we certainly will not survive the bitter harvest
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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thank you petal, i appreciate your review
Comment from CMac2
I liked your reference to black bitter taste in my mouth. For me it implied eating the ant and the taste of it. A fun little haiku indeed. Now I feel I need to spit something out. :-)
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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I liked your reference to black bitter taste in my mouth. For me it implied eating the ant and the taste of it. A fun little haiku indeed. Now I feel I need to spit something out. :-)
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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hahah thank you cmac2 i needed a laugh, thank you for reviewing my haiku
Comment from mvbrooks
Your poem fits the syllable count requirement.
Since haikus are traditionally about nature, your topic is appropriate.
I was confused by the picture and your first line. The image shows many ants, but your first line speaks of only one "ant." I am very visual, so this discrepancy was obvious to me and distracted as I read the poem for clarity and there was not any (regarding one or multiple ants).
Did you eat the ant (bitter black taste in my mouth)?
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Your poem fits the syllable count requirement.
Since haikus are traditionally about nature, your topic is appropriate.
I was confused by the picture and your first line. The image shows many ants, but your first line speaks of only one "ant." I am very visual, so this discrepancy was obvious to me and distracted as I read the poem for clarity and there was not any (regarding one or multiple ants).
Did you eat the ant (bitter black taste in my mouth)?
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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good point. Yes, when i was little i ate an ant :) i was a weird kid
Comment from A TARNISHED KNIGHT
Oh poo to those who say it's not a haiku..Hey this format is hard enough just to get across some meaningful words... We break the rules of poetry
WHY? JUST BECAUSE WE CAN !!! YEA!!
TK
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Oh poo to those who say it's not a haiku..Hey this format is hard enough just to get across some meaningful words... We break the rules of poetry
WHY? JUST BECAUSE WE CAN !!! YEA!!
TK
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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hahaha thank you tarnished knight :) I love it
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your poem is presented nicely. The colored font is perfect as is the picture. I know there are people in the world that eat ants.
Haiku is difficult to write in the traditional form. I am still learning, so I will not comment on that aspect. You do have 17 syllables and haiku can have fewer. It gets complicated.
Good job and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Your poem is presented nicely. The colored font is perfect as is the picture. I know there are people in the world that eat ants.
Haiku is difficult to write in the traditional form. I am still learning, so I will not comment on that aspect. You do have 17 syllables and haiku can have fewer. It gets complicated.
Good job and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you my friend, I am learning too and I want to practice. I had fun writing this little haiku.
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Look under the Info tab for Poetry. There should be some info about haiku. Also, SGalletti on FS is a master at it, so I am told. I know she teaches it an writes it.
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I have been studying on my own. I checked out, his classes are 99 dollars, I can't afford that. I will check the tab on poetry. Thank you :)
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I cannot either. I do know there are websites on haiku too. You are doing so well.
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thank you Jan :)
Comment from Curly Girly
I like the way you presented this piece...
ANT CRAWLING ON LOG
BLACK BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH
IMMENSE GREEN FOREST
But, it might read smoother if the font was normal, and not all capitals.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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I like the way you presented this piece...
ANT CRAWLING ON LOG
BLACK BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH
IMMENSE GREEN FOREST
But, it might read smoother if the font was normal, and not all capitals.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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thank you curly girl, I was wondering about that
Comment from flylikeaneagle
The winner is - Gypsy Blue! Nice photo and green letters on black. Those ants can be helpful or pests depending on where they crawl. In Texas, there was red ants that bit a person and yes, it hurt! The black ants can mulch the dirt for gardens. Great and fun entry! flylikeaneagle
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reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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The winner is - Gypsy Blue! Nice photo and green letters on black. Those ants can be helpful or pests depending on where they crawl. In Texas, there was red ants that bit a person and yes, it hurt! The black ants can mulch the dirt for gardens. Great and fun entry! flylikeaneagle
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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thank you fly, I appreciate the excellent review.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
Technically this is a 5-7-5 and not a true haiku as it lacks a kigo and a true satori. It is a very creative 5-7-5 but could have been made better by using the last line to define an inspiring observation about the ants crawling about rather than switching to forest imagery. Nicely done and I thank you for sharing it.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Technically this is a 5-7-5 and not a true haiku as it lacks a kigo and a true satori. It is a very creative 5-7-5 but could have been made better by using the last line to define an inspiring observation about the ants crawling about rather than switching to forest imagery. Nicely done and I thank you for sharing it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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thanks