tanka (rose petals)
tanka contest entry19 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your tank. Good job on the format. The presentation is great--the color scheme, the artwork, and the well chosen words. I see no changes. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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I enjoyed your tank. Good job on the format. The presentation is great--the color scheme, the artwork, and the well chosen words. I see no changes. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Jannypan. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from SunshineSims
Wow deep . in such little words I could understand where the poet was coming from and going. I appreciated the expressions used because it painted a very vivid picture as well as created emotion . Many have been plagued by death so this expression is very understanding
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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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Wow deep . in such little words I could understand where the poet was coming from and going. I appreciated the expressions used because it painted a very vivid picture as well as created emotion . Many have been plagued by death so this expression is very understanding
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2015
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"Many have been plagued by death" - all of have been plagued by death in one way or another. None the less, thanks for the look
Comment from kiwijenny
rose petals
drop to hospital floor
detached
old man's life ticks away
his soul reaches for heaven
Well well penned
God bless
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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rose petals
drop to hospital floor
detached
old man's life ticks away
his soul reaches for heaven
Well well penned
God bless
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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thank you
Comment from AnnieDawn
Very nicely done and I did enjoy reading your poem. It is so nice to get an explanation of the poetry form so one can understand how a poem is written. There are so many and it is impossible to memorize them all. Your poem reminds me of a nurse on duty. Very good job.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Very nicely done and I did enjoy reading your poem. It is so nice to get an explanation of the poetry form so one can understand how a poem is written. There are so many and it is impossible to memorize them all. Your poem reminds me of a nurse on duty. Very good job.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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I'm glad you liked the "author's notes," as don't really like to write them that much. But with tanka, haiku, and naani, they really need to be spelled out. I'm also thrilled by your review, and yes it could have been written by a nurse who sees those souls fly our the window every day.
Comment from royowen
Gee you're very good at these Val, you're perception and instinct is profound and focused, great empathic work, a truly good entry in this tanka contest, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Gee you're very good at these Val, you're perception and instinct is profound and focused, great empathic work, a truly good entry in this tanka contest, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Oh, Roy, these words mean a great deal to me. As you actually remember who I am, and what I write. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's not quite perfect.....but it has my heart and soul
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Good enough for me val
Comment from Taffspride
This is simply beautiful Val, and i am so very glad I have a six left for it.
The entire tanka is excellent, and you have a pivot line that is perfect. You could if you had wished, two haiku.
The picture you paint is so tender and poignant, reading it touched me very much.
Thank you for sharing. It is so good to see your writing here.
Iechyd da
Ann
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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This is simply beautiful Val, and i am so very glad I have a six left for it.
The entire tanka is excellent, and you have a pivot line that is perfect. You could if you had wished, two haiku.
The picture you paint is so tender and poignant, reading it touched me very much.
Thank you for sharing. It is so good to see your writing here.
Iechyd da
Ann
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Ann, your exceptional means the world to me, as I know you "know your stuff." One other reviewer wished she'd saved a "six" for this, but I find the approval of my peers more important. Could I have done two haiku in a tanka??? I have really poured my heart and money into this one, but I'm still quite satisfied with the last line. I wish I had taken a class with our "mentor" as you did. I loved the Imperial Love Letters. As I believe I've said before, it has been a very traumatic year for me and 67 it's been a challenge not to be self absorbed. Hugs to you my friend
Comment from rspoet
This is a very nice tanka
in the s/l/s/l/l form
I actually prefer the lower syllables
as that is consistent with most schools of haiku
the tanka is very well written with the contrast
between the petals falling and the soul rising
both detaching from their original form
and the last two lines with the "ah" moment of insight
Excellent picture to match
a very fine poem
I only have fives left
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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This is a very nice tanka
in the s/l/s/l/l form
I actually prefer the lower syllables
as that is consistent with most schools of haiku
the tanka is very well written with the contrast
between the petals falling and the soul rising
both detaching from their original form
and the last two lines with the "ah" moment of insight
Excellent picture to match
a very fine poem
I only have fives left
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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I'm so glad you liked it, and find the wish of a "six" tender. I also love less syllables, and hope my author's notes made sense of that. Thank you so much for this review.
Comment from krys123
Val;
-A lovely analogy and a very well written metaphorical writing that is emblematic and annotated. The comparison of the roses and the petals that fall to the floor and this patient's life slowly passing by quite an achievement in such a few words.
- All of your lines are grammatically interconnected and are exquisitely expressive and vividly descriptive in its imagery.
-The use of the word detached is a good use of a satori which is very relative and sums up the concept of your writing very well. Even though his life is detached is soul Is gathered up to heaven.
-Good luck in the contest and made the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Val;
-A lovely analogy and a very well written metaphorical writing that is emblematic and annotated. The comparison of the roses and the petals that fall to the floor and this patient's life slowly passing by quite an achievement in such a few words.
- All of your lines are grammatically interconnected and are exquisitely expressive and vividly descriptive in its imagery.
-The use of the word detached is a good use of a satori which is very relative and sums up the concept of your writing very well. Even though his life is detached is soul Is gathered up to heaven.
-Good luck in the contest and made the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Alex. "Detached" is truly the pivotal word in this tanka. As always, I appreciate your support.
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You are so very welcome my friend.
Alex
Comment from Mark Schardine
As the flowers fade and the man's life comes to an end, we still see the striving to remain alive, a refusal to yield to death. His soul reaches for heaven, and not in vain.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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As the flowers fade and the man's life comes to an end, we still see the striving to remain alive, a refusal to yield to death. His soul reaches for heaven, and not in vain.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Mark, for your thoughtful review.