The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Piper"Young Adult Fantasy
23 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
The Piper, chapter one, is a wonderful beginning to your story
Already, I'm curious about where he is gong to, outside the gates, in the darkness
A darkness to be feared, with wolves and thieves,
but he feels comfort in the dark, rather than fear.
And the gruff guard who makes an unusual offer
to help the young piper, friend or foe
One small typo, para. 6 beginning "Piper looked... line two
The hilt of his sword look[ed] smooth with wear
Excellent descriptions and dialogue
Looking forward to chapter 2
Well begun
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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The Piper, chapter one, is a wonderful beginning to your story
Already, I'm curious about where he is gong to, outside the gates, in the darkness
A darkness to be feared, with wolves and thieves,
but he feels comfort in the dark, rather than fear.
And the gruff guard who makes an unusual offer
to help the young piper, friend or foe
One small typo, para. 6 beginning "Piper looked... line two
The hilt of his sword look[ed] smooth with wear
Excellent descriptions and dialogue
Looking forward to chapter 2
Well begun
Comment Written 04-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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This is an exciting review. To hear that you are curious and want to hear more is encouraging.Thank you for pointing out the parts that you found intriguing. Also, thank you for catching that typo. I appreciate you stopping by to read and review.
Comment from Pam (respa)
- I love the picture and it is nice to read a children's fantasy and you did it very well.
-There is good development and the reader stays interested.
-Obviously, the characters present some interesting situations that make the reader wonder what is going to happen.
-A few of the things I particularly like in the story are:
* The first two paragraphs which give the setting in vivid detail.
* Piper and his flute, "Unconsciously, he fingered the flute that hung at his side, brushing the tips of his fingers across it with fondness..."
* He is helpful with the little girl, his banter with the guard, and his love for his now deceased grandfather.
* The mystery at the end, "In fact, the darkness beckoned like a warm cloak, one he would wrap around himself tonight and use to his advantage."
*The reader looks forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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- I love the picture and it is nice to read a children's fantasy and you did it very well.
-There is good development and the reader stays interested.
-Obviously, the characters present some interesting situations that make the reader wonder what is going to happen.
-A few of the things I particularly like in the story are:
* The first two paragraphs which give the setting in vivid detail.
* Piper and his flute, "Unconsciously, he fingered the flute that hung at his side, brushing the tips of his fingers across it with fondness..."
* He is helpful with the little girl, his banter with the guard, and his love for his now deceased grandfather.
* The mystery at the end, "In fact, the darkness beckoned like a warm cloak, one he would wrap around himself tonight and use to his advantage."
*The reader looks forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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Thank you for the wonderful review. I appreciate the detailed comments and the encouragement. I am flattered that you look forward to reading more of the story. You made my day!
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You are very welcome for the review and comments. I am glad I made your day, and I do look forward to what Piper is all about!
Comment from Writingfundimension
'A scowl creased Piper's brow and he quickened his pace. He had never feared the darkness and he certainly wasn't going to start now. In fact, the darkness beckoned like a warm cloak, one he would wrap around himself tonight and use to his advantage.'
I'm so pleased you decided to being your novel to FanStory. I think this is a grand beginning chapter. Especially where I've noted above, you set a menacing tone for this chapter and left this reader with the impression of Piper as an outcast who has a soft heart for children.
I'm really looking forward to reading more, Debi.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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'A scowl creased Piper's brow and he quickened his pace. He had never feared the darkness and he certainly wasn't going to start now. In fact, the darkness beckoned like a warm cloak, one he would wrap around himself tonight and use to his advantage.'
I'm so pleased you decided to being your novel to FanStory. I think this is a grand beginning chapter. Especially where I've noted above, you set a menacing tone for this chapter and left this reader with the impression of Piper as an outcast who has a soft heart for children.
I'm really looking forward to reading more, Debi.
:) Bev
Comment Written 04-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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Hi Bev,
Yes, I finally got the courage up to post some prose. I appreciate your kind remarks and am happy you liked the first chapter. Thank you for the notes about the tone and the impression you have of Piper. It was exactly what I hoped to convey. Of course, you have insights no one else will. :)
Debi
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You're very welcome, Debi. :) Bev
Comment from Benny Beeharry
Hi friend. This is a very lovely short story, and i followed it down to the end with great interest...i hope there is going to be a follow up. There is great sincerity here and clarity of thought. The details are only so much as fit the story and no extravaganza. Keep writing. I llike the language...simple and to the point.
Benny Beeharry
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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Hi friend. This is a very lovely short story, and i followed it down to the end with great interest...i hope there is going to be a follow up. There is great sincerity here and clarity of thought. The details are only so much as fit the story and no extravaganza. Keep writing. I llike the language...simple and to the point.
Benny Beeharry
Comment Written 04-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
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Hi Benny Beeharry,
Thank you for the great review. Yes, there is more to come. This is the first chapter in a book. I'm breaking out into prose to test the waters. We'll see how it goes.
I appreciate the gracious remarks about the writing and am pleased you liked it.
Debi
Comment from Spitfire
I normally skip fantasy stories, but this caught my interest because it is well-written and starts with an alarming situation and a likable character. You keep hinting at something terrible:had the adults instilled other fear into her?
Then there's the mystery of the guard offering a favor.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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I normally skip fantasy stories, but this caught my interest because it is well-written and starts with an alarming situation and a likable character. You keep hinting at something terrible:had the adults instilled other fear into her?
Then there's the mystery of the guard offering a favor.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Hi Shari,
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, especially since it is not your chosen genre. I appreciate the comments about it catching your interest and the reasons why. I don't normally post prose so I'm pushing myself out of comfort zone. I appreciate the encouragement.
Debi
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I see this is the first chapter of a book. I thing it was a good start and you leave us wondering where a 15 year old boy would be off to with only a flute for protection, when everyone else is seeking sanctuary for the night. Well done Debi. Nancy
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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I see this is the first chapter of a book. I thing it was a good start and you leave us wondering where a 15 year old boy would be off to with only a flute for protection, when everyone else is seeking sanctuary for the night. Well done Debi. Nancy
Comment Written 03-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Hi Nancy,
Thank you for the encouraging comments and the perception the chapter created. I appreciate it.
Debi
Comment from jpduck
This feels like a chapter in an ongoing story or book. But there is no indication of this in the title or category. If it IS a complete short story, it seems to be strangely lacking in any meaningful conclusion.
A couple of typos. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'and *he* was sure he had sustained several bruises on his arms'
'Piper stopped in [t]his tracks and turned to look at the guard'
Adrian
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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This feels like a chapter in an ongoing story or book. But there is no indication of this in the title or category. If it IS a complete short story, it seems to be strangely lacking in any meaningful conclusion.
A couple of typos. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'and *he* was sure he had sustained several bruises on his arms'
'Piper stopped in [t]his tracks and turned to look at the guard'
Adrian
Comment Written 03-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Hi Adrian,
Thank you for catching the typos. Yes, this is meant to be the first chapter of a book. I went back and put chapter 1 on it until I can figure out how to use the book application. I also made the other changes you suggested. Thank you!
Debi
Comment from c_lucas
Darkness has always carried the stigma of evil. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Darkness has always carried the stigma of evil. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Yes, darkness does have the stigma, probably because most of us prefer daylight and fear what we do not understand. Thank you for the nice comments.
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You're welcome, WJ. Charlie
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Debi
_ Wow--great start with this installment.
_ Is this a two part story--novella-- or a novel?
_ Nice setting of the scene.
_ Looking forward to more.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Hi, Debi
_ Wow--great start with this installment.
_ Is this a two part story--novella-- or a novel?
_ Nice setting of the scene.
_ Looking forward to more.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 03-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Hi Jax,
I consider this high praise from such a successful novelist. I plan for this to be a novel or novella. I'm still working out how to use the book application, but I'll get there. It is great to hear you look forward to more.
Debi
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You'll do great.
Have fun with it. (*<*)
Comment from redrocklover
Your selection is excellent. I'm intrigued by the story and want to know what's going to happen next. Your writing flows smoothly and the storyline is easy to follow. Is this chapter one or a chapter further into your book?
Best wishes,
Linda
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Your selection is excellent. I'm intrigued by the story and want to know what's going to happen next. Your writing flows smoothly and the storyline is easy to follow. Is this chapter one or a chapter further into your book?
Best wishes,
Linda
Comment Written 02-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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HI Linda,
Thank you for such an encouraging review. Yes, this is chapter one in a novel or novella. I am still figuring out the book application so I hope to have it set up soon. I am so happy you enjoyed the story and wonder about what happens next. That is such a nice thing to say.
Debi